When you’re feeling a bit randy and ready for some of the old in-out, in-out, but you’d like to pick up a few sex toys to enhance the experience, where do you go?

I go to Toys R Us.

Sure, you probably buy your vibrating whatsits at some sleazy adult book store, or you order ‘em online, or you might be fortunate enough to live near an open, sex-positive shop like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland. But people with the right attitude (i.e. silly as all get out) can find erotic equipment anywhere, and Toys ‘R’ Us is a fine one. Just look at what you can pick up:

In the Florida stores, after you get past the specials and current-movie-tie-in toys, you hit an aisle of pool toys and garden hose accessories. If you’ve got a fenced yard (or possess a strong exhibitionistic streak) these are ideal for outdoor games. I call your attention to the Wacky Wiggle, which you attach to a garden hose. It not only fires water straight up, but it whips around in random directions, great for those wet exotic encounters. Ever try sliding nude on a Slip ‘n’ Slide? Fill some water pistols with ice-cold water, strip down and hunt each other through the house. Hell, fill a SuperSoaker with baby oil and go at it. Hey, the box said “Charge It, Pump It”…

Crayola washable markers and finger paints should be in every nightstand, and we love those little roller stamps. Why pay fpr those expensive little henna body art kits when these are so much cheaper and a helluva lot more colorful?

Here’s a fun way to test your steering abilities: have your lady lay down on the floor and spread ‘em. Strap a vibrator to the front of a remote control car (get a powerful one, with the knobby tires) and see if you can maneuver in there. Reverse, thrust, reverse, thrust, TURBO!

Those Laser Challenge targets vibrate when you hit ‘em, y’know. Matter of fact, there’s all sorts of vibrating things available. Tickle Me Elmo is soft, furry, and vibrates as long as you squeeze him. Can your man do the same? Any number of the stuffed dolls gyrate, wiggle or writhe just from having their hands pressed, a kink I’d never heard of before.

I love the sports aisle. I get all my BDSM stuff there – hockey masks, rollerblade kneepads, paddleball paddles (with the ball still attached, of course), jump ropes, and best of all, NERF stuff! It’s amazing how durable those NERF arrows and projectiles are, and they’re already ideally shaped. You’ve never truly made love until you’ve done it in a room completely filled with NERF balls, and the NERF ping-pong paddle is perfect for spanking enthusiasts who prefer to avoid marks.
I can’t look at one of those rubber balls you sit on and bounce without wondering why no one’s attached the obvious thing.

Have you taken a close look at the Birthday Barbie? Her mouth is shaped in balloon-inflating mode, and just by looking at her you can tell how she got the house and cars. You can design your own slutty girlfriend by buying Birthday Barbie, taking the kneepads from Rollerblade Barbie, some combat boots from G.I. Joe, leopard print pants from one of the Spice Girls dolls and the bed from the Malibu Dream House. You go, girl. It’s an odd little ego trip to see a beautiful blonde wrapping her arms around your unit with her chin and smiling face just peeking over the top.
Teresa assures me that no self-respecting girl ever actually treated Ken as anything other than Barbie’s friend, and I think it’s pretty obvious that Ken’s more interested in Barbie’s outfits than her ass. Hey, this is America… G.I. Joe was the only man for her, especially with the Kung-Fu grip. You know, a soldier doll makes an interesting psychological choice for a dildo (remove the boots first; keep his feet pointed)

Have you noticed that all the PlaySkool stuff is safely rounded? Just make sure you don’t insert anything you can’t easily remove. It’s really embarrassing having to go to the ER to have a Weeble removed, trust me.

Toy stores are great for costumes that would cost you big bucks elsewhere. Sure, they may be a little small, but they’re still fun. Cowboy outfits, police equipment, Star Wars costumes, princess accoutrements, swords and armor, firefighting gear, everything you could ever want to spice up those bedroom games. The Xena outfits alone could keep me going for a few weeks.

Enough for now, I’m off to head upstairs for some intimate time with my Silly String.

I’m sure that all of you spent yesterday honoring (and possibly creating more) mothers. The mothers that borne you, the mothers that raised you.

The mothers that burst in on you and your blossoming love life at every opportunity.

I miss those days. It lent an exciting twist to the act when we knew we could get caught at any moment. And the extremes we went to! Furtively going at it standing up in the closet, on the floor between the bed and the wall, alongside the dresser. We honestly believed, drunk with hormones, that as long as we weren’t in direct sight of the doorway then my parents didn’t have a clue. I’m certain they never once noticed me climbing out of my bedroom window, carrying a blanket. That time that Dad came home early and me and Teres were sitting stiffly side-by-side on the couch, clothes sticking to our wet bodies and steam pouring out of the bathroom – well, he didn’t suspect a thing. No way.

Of course, as the father of a teen I can see right through him. It’s pathetic.

So I thought it might be helpful to provide some hard-earned tips for sneaky sex that can be used in any situation where fear of discovery os a strong factor. Here we go:

• You can be heard through all forms of drywall. Even insulated. Really.
• Zippers, pulled up quickly, are not forgiving.
• If there’s one thing that Ally McBeal has taught us, it’’s to always, always, always lock the bathroom door.
• Bathroom tile does not muffle the noises, it makes them echo.
• The worst thing about fitting rooms is not the teenage girls giggling outside the curtain, it’s those goddamn little pins all over the floor.
• Your wife knows exactly which perfume she wears, what color lipstick she likes and what color hair she has. More importantly, she knows which ones she doesn’t.
• Truckers can see your head, where your legs are and what you’ve got plugged into the cigarette lighter.
• Motel desk clerks often run license plate numbers for fun.
• Theater seats fold up at the worst times.
• Remember, the orderlies come around every half hour.
• Always check to make sure you got ALL the copies you made on the copier after hours, unless your career really would be advanced by having your ass e-mailed worldwide.
• Sex in the classroom after school works a lot better when you remember to take all your clothes home with you afterwards. Trust me on this one.
• It takes a highway patrolman approximately 21/2 minutes to run your number through his computer. Use them wisely.
• Not only will the cabin attendents know what you’re up to the second you two sneak off to the can, they’ll tell the pilot to aim for an air pocket.
• Husbands who have had vasectomies are unreasonably suspicious when they find condoms in your purse.
• DJ’s always know which songs play long enough.
• Roll-on glitter won’t come off quickly, even if you use your car keys
• Moms know what vibrators are. The “portable radio” thing doesn’t work.
• Giving head to one of the other hostages is just going to draw attention to you.
• Your roommate won’t really believe that when you screamed “Take it all, you vestigial bitch!”, you were just watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
• Skin-tight leather pants are a bitch to put on while running. Especially if you’re being shot at. During a thunderstorm. Across a railway trestle. While carrying a heavily-sedated ocelot. I mean, I’ve heard that.
• You don’t have to be famous for someone to steal your home movies.
• Cab drivers can often provide useful contraceptive tips.
• Your dad knows exactly why you’ve been in the bathroom so much lately. He’s logged an awful lot of hours in there himself.
• During your bachelor party, try to avoid fucking anyone who’s actually in the bridal party.
• There isn’t as much room under a newscaster’s desk as you’d think.

“Hey?”

“Hmmm?”

“You awake?”

“Why? What’s up?”

“Would you like to make love?”

“Think you can compete with my dream?”

“Who’s my competition?”

“Can you beat Mel Gibson?”

“Patriot Mel or Lethal Weapon Mel?”

“Would you believe Chicken Run Mel?”

Want someone else in your bed? While you’re still in it, I mean? Cool! But be aware of the risks…

Advantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There’s always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don’t work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn’t as much of a problem, the “wrong name” is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

Disadvantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you’re in the bathroom, the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn’t suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn’t suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there’s two wet spots to avoid

English is a growing, changing language, rich in descriptive terms and poetic phrases. Despite what my high school English teacher kept telling me, this language has always stretched and adapted to meet the needs of its speakers. It can describe anything, and if it’s missing words that other languages have, it just takes ‘em! How cool is that? It’s capable of permitting simple, easy to understand instructions, as well as poetry that burns searing white lines across your very soul.

Not that it doesn’t have its difficulties. English is one of the hardest languages to learn – it’s the result of mixing several different languages, each with their own rules and usages, with the grammar rules from Latin nailed on top. Hey, any language that contains phrases such as “I could care less” and “I couldn’t care less” and have them mean the same damn thing can’t be all bad. And why isn’t “oxes” the plural of “ox” or “foxen” the plural of “fox”?. But I still have a healthy respect for English and its usage, and the only real complaint I have is that people are using less and less imagination in their smut.

Have you ever read erotic stories from a few hundred years back? Sure, you could find plenty of “fucks” and “cunts” and “cocks” amidst all the general friking and caning, but you could also find long, flowery descriptions of torrential explosions of love-matches, resulting in bursts of rapturous extacy. And, really, aren’t you just a little bored with hearing the same old things, night after night? “I’m coming!”, “Harder, harder!” and “Fuck me ragged, your holiness!” Try sprinkling some Victorian phrases into your bed-talk and watch your lover come alive, or at least stare at you funny. Ask her to spread wide the honey’d vermillion lips of her cunny, or demand that he lay you to waste with his impudent spearthrust of a weapon. Tell the guys on the golf course how she lowered her haunches upon your mast! Brag to the girls at the office how he loosed your stays and laid your milky-white bosom bare so that it was if a new light had come into the room! If you can type fast enough, you can easily outclass anybody elkse in your sexchat (I am engorg’d with your tender morsel; redouble your efforts and stir my vitals, lest I swoon! )

Here’s a quick guide:

For some quick samples, be sure to visit Hoot Island’s service, the Victorian Sex Cry Generator. Guaranteed to tease forth the effusive elixirs of physical rapture from your lover’s very innards or your money back!