When you’re feeling a bit randy and ready for some of the old in-out, in-out, but you’d like to pick up a few sex toys to enhance the experience, where do you go?

I go to Toys R Us.

Sure, you probably buy your vibrating whatsits at some sleazy adult book store, or you order ‘em online, or you might be fortunate enough to live near an open, sex-positive shop like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland. But people with the right attitude (i.e. silly as all get out) can find erotic equipment anywhere, and Toys ‘R’ Us is a fine one. Just look at what you can pick up:

In the Florida stores, after you get past the specials and current-movie-tie-in toys, you hit an aisle of pool toys and garden hose accessories. If you’ve got a fenced yard (or possess a strong exhibitionistic streak) these are ideal for outdoor games. I call your attention to the Wacky Wiggle, which you attach to a garden hose. It not only fires water straight up, but it whips around in random directions, great for those wet exotic encounters. Ever try sliding nude on a Slip ‘n’ Slide? Fill some water pistols with ice-cold water, strip down and hunt each other through the house. Hell, fill a SuperSoaker with baby oil and go at it. Hey, the box said “Charge It, Pump It”…

Crayola washable markers and finger paints should be in every nightstand, and we love those little roller stamps. Why pay fpr those expensive little henna body art kits when these are so much cheaper and a helluva lot more colorful?

Here’s a fun way to test your steering abilities: have your lady lay down on the floor and spread ‘em. Strap a vibrator to the front of a remote control car (get a powerful one, with the knobby tires) and see if you can maneuver in there. Reverse, thrust, reverse, thrust, TURBO!

Those Laser Challenge targets vibrate when you hit ‘em, y’know. Matter of fact, there’s all sorts of vibrating things available. Tickle Me Elmo is soft, furry, and vibrates as long as you squeeze him. Can your man do the same? Any number of the stuffed dolls gyrate, wiggle or writhe just from having their hands pressed, a kink I’d never heard of before.

I love the sports aisle. I get all my BDSM stuff there – hockey masks, rollerblade kneepads, paddleball paddles (with the ball still attached, of course), jump ropes, and best of all, NERF stuff! It’s amazing how durable those NERF arrows and projectiles are, and they’re already ideally shaped. You’ve never truly made love until you’ve done it in a room completely filled with NERF balls, and the NERF ping-pong paddle is perfect for spanking enthusiasts who prefer to avoid marks.
I can’t look at one of those rubber balls you sit on and bounce without wondering why no one’s attached the obvious thing.

Have you taken a close look at the Birthday Barbie? Her mouth is shaped in balloon-inflating mode, and just by looking at her you can tell how she got the house and cars. You can design your own slutty girlfriend by buying Birthday Barbie, taking the kneepads from Rollerblade Barbie, some combat boots from G.I. Joe, leopard print pants from one of the Spice Girls dolls and the bed from the Malibu Dream House. You go, girl. It’s an odd little ego trip to see a beautiful blonde wrapping her arms around your unit with her chin and smiling face just peeking over the top.
Teresa assures me that no self-respecting girl ever actually treated Ken as anything other than Barbie’s friend, and I think it’s pretty obvious that Ken’s more interested in Barbie’s outfits than her ass. Hey, this is America… G.I. Joe was the only man for her, especially with the Kung-Fu grip. You know, a soldier doll makes an interesting psychological choice for a dildo (remove the boots first; keep his feet pointed)

Have you noticed that all the PlaySkool stuff is safely rounded? Just make sure you don’t insert anything you can’t easily remove. It’s really embarrassing having to go to the ER to have a Weeble removed, trust me.

Toy stores are great for costumes that would cost you big bucks elsewhere. Sure, they may be a little small, but they’re still fun. Cowboy outfits, police equipment, Star Wars costumes, princess accoutrements, swords and armor, firefighting gear, everything you could ever want to spice up those bedroom games. The Xena outfits alone could keep me going for a few weeks.

Enough for now, I’m off to head upstairs for some intimate time with my Silly String.