I’m sure that all of you spent yesterday honoring (and possibly creating more) mothers. The mothers that borne you, the mothers that raised you.

The mothers that burst in on you and your blossoming love life at every opportunity.

I miss those days. It lent an exciting twist to the act when we knew we could get caught at any moment. And the extremes we went to! Furtively going at it standing up in the closet, on the floor between the bed and the wall, alongside the dresser. We honestly believed, drunk with hormones, that as long as we weren’t in direct sight of the doorway then my parents didn’t have a clue. I’m certain they never once noticed me climbing out of my bedroom window, carrying a blanket. That time that Dad came home early and me and Teres were sitting stiffly side-by-side on the couch, clothes sticking to our wet bodies and steam pouring out of the bathroom – well, he didn’t suspect a thing. No way.

Of course, as the father of a teen I can see right through him. It’s pathetic.

So I thought it might be helpful to provide some hard-earned tips for sneaky sex that can be used in any situation where fear of discovery os a strong factor. Here we go:

• You can be heard through all forms of drywall. Even insulated. Really.
• Zippers, pulled up quickly, are not forgiving.
• If there’s one thing that Ally McBeal has taught us, it’’s to always, always, always lock the bathroom door.
• Bathroom tile does not muffle the noises, it makes them echo.
• The worst thing about fitting rooms is not the teenage girls giggling outside the curtain, it’s those goddamn little pins all over the floor.
• Your wife knows exactly which perfume she wears, what color lipstick she likes and what color hair she has. More importantly, she knows which ones she doesn’t.
• Truckers can see your head, where your legs are and what you’ve got plugged into the cigarette lighter.
• Motel desk clerks often run license plate numbers for fun.
• Theater seats fold up at the worst times.
• Remember, the orderlies come around every half hour.
• Always check to make sure you got ALL the copies you made on the copier after hours, unless your career really would be advanced by having your ass e-mailed worldwide.
• Sex in the classroom after school works a lot better when you remember to take all your clothes home with you afterwards. Trust me on this one.
• It takes a highway patrolman approximately 21/2 minutes to run your number through his computer. Use them wisely.
• Not only will the cabin attendents know what you’re up to the second you two sneak off to the can, they’ll tell the pilot to aim for an air pocket.
• Husbands who have had vasectomies are unreasonably suspicious when they find condoms in your purse.
• DJ’s always know which songs play long enough.
• Roll-on glitter won’t come off quickly, even if you use your car keys
• Moms know what vibrators are. The “portable radio” thing doesn’t work.
• Giving head to one of the other hostages is just going to draw attention to you.
• Your roommate won’t really believe that when you screamed “Take it all, you vestigial bitch!”, you were just watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
• Skin-tight leather pants are a bitch to put on while running. Especially if you’re being shot at. During a thunderstorm. Across a railway trestle. While carrying a heavily-sedated ocelot. I mean, I’ve heard that.
• You don’t have to be famous for someone to steal your home movies.
• Cab drivers can often provide useful contraceptive tips.
• Your dad knows exactly why you’ve been in the bathroom so much lately. He’s logged an awful lot of hours in there himself.
• During your bachelor party, try to avoid fucking anyone who’s actually in the bridal party.
• There isn’t as much room under a newscaster’s desk as you’d think.