Okay, so I’m talking to a friend about sex (wow, what are the odds?) and we get into the “allowable filth” discussion. I’ll let you guess at my opinions (why waste a future column?), suffice it to say they were considerably more liberal than hers, and she’s pretty open-minded. She’s especially annoyed by stories containing incest and refused to consider it as a valid subject. I told her I’d write her something she’d laugh at. Wanna see?
Barry and Carrie wake up to a hot morning lovemaking session and we are treated to their “expanded” techniques: candles, incense, beads, a few tantric positions. Obviously this is a couple very comfortable with (and a bit obsessive about) their sex life, both spiritually and physically. After they finish, screaming, they continue to fondle each other and reminisce over their early years when they had to avoid their parents to have sex. Their daughter Lisa knocks and comes in. She turns away, embarrassed with her parents’ easy nudity, and announces she has something difficult to say: she’s made a decision about her sexuality. The Parker’s (cool parents that they are) hasten to reassure her that no matter what she decides, they’ll back her up. She tells them she intends to stay a virgin until she’s married.
Scene Two, Int house, kitchen, morning.
Barry is cooking eggs with a vengeance while Carrie sits at the table with her head in her hands. After the talk they had, where they agreed that their daughter would never face the same sort of rigid upbringing that they did, and she does this? Didn’t she know that sexual abstinance causes psychological damage? Maybe she just needed to be exposed to the beautiful, life-affirming practice of blah blah, etc, etc (lots of pseudo-psychological jargon here, think group-therapy-revelation-type jabbering). Barry snaps his fingers. The Nelsons next door screw in their back yard every morning, we’ll send Lisa out to do the yard and let her watch!
Scene Three, Ext house, day.
Staci Nelson arranges a blanket out in her back yard, places a pillow on it and a carefully rolled up towel. She arranges herself just as carefully, and begins applying lotion to her body, paying close attention to her nipples. Her husband Jonathan comes out, playfully pretends not to notice her, and starts watering the yard. She ends up pulling him down and tearing up the yard with him, pulling his clothes off just enough to get what she wants. Lots of garden hose and spurting water action. Lisa heads out in her own yard with a rake and starts working, ignoring the sounds from next door. The scene switches back and forth a bit until Lisa finally goes to the fence and peeks over to see what the hell is going on. She watches curiously as her neighbors romp on home, then innocently waves hello. They jump up, cover themselves ineffectively and run for the house. She shrugs and keeps raking. Behind her, Jonathan runs back out, still clutching his pants in front of himself, shuts the water off and dashes back in. Her parents can be seen through their window, worrying.
Scene Four, Int, parent’s bedroom, day.
Afraid that their daughter is too uninformed to realize (a slow developer) (a dim bulb), they argue over who gives her “the talk” and finally decide to do it together. They start out explaining it to her and end up demonstrating. (”This is the… uh.. clitoris… oh.. and the man takes his… ohmigod… penis… and he…”) She responds the way any kid responds when their parents try to teach them something boring or self-evident, finally getting up and leaving unnoticed as they continue to thrash on her bed.
Scene Five, Int, Lisa’s bedroom, day.
Lisa is talking on the phone to Billy, a friend from college. She complains about her parents pushing their old-fashioned opinions on her all the time and she’s sick of it. Switch between Lisa and Billy as they talk, he believes he knows what she’s talking about until she mentions that her parents want her to start fucking right away. Billy loses it slightly (”yeah, I know what you… what?”) and never really catches up again. She tells him frankly about how her tits have gotten bigger and more sensitive lately and how she’s been getting wet dreams and such, unintentionally exciting Billy to masturbation while she’s confessing to her “buddy”. Excited, he decides to come over. She starts playing SuperNintendo.
Scene Six, Int, kitchen, day.
Carrie is talking to Staci over coffee. Staci seems excited by the prospect of Carrie’s daughter’s awakening and decides that Lisa must be gay. They decide that that’s all right (everyone cool is gay, nowadays) and Carrie goes to talk to her. Staci comes along to lend moral support.
Scene Seven, Int, Lisa’s bedroom, day.
Lisa is still playing SuperNintendo (or whatever fake equivalent is necessary) and really getting into it. Carrie and Staci come in, sit on either side of her and start trying to break the news to her of her own homosexuality. She ignores them and keeps playing. Staci in particular tries to explain that everyone feels these feelings and admits her own attraction to Carrie, caressing her face and letting her hand brush the sides of her breasts. They begin touching each other around Lisa, who moves out of the way to see the monitor. Carrie and Staci work into a passionate 69. Lisa has a bit more of a problem ignoring them this time, interested despite herself. She touches herself casually, trying to hide it, then reaches out tentatively towards a preoccupied Staci.
Scene Eight, Ext house, day.
Billy shows up at the house and is greeted by a desperate Barry who is outside talking to Jonathan. Jonathan is replacing the divots in his yard from earlier. Barry all but begs Billy to go fuck his daughter already. Billy tries to go along with the joke but Barry’s not joking, he’ll even pay for the dinner and motel room, here’s a condom, go get her. Billy is a bit confused at this point.
Scene Nine, Int, Lisa’s bedroom, day.
Billy comes in and stops abruptly, surprised as all hell. Lisa jumps up, relieved at being interrupted and leaves the room with him. Billy lingers, watching the horny housewives go at it, until Lisa pulls him away.
Scene Ten, Int, kitchen, day.
Billy slides into a seat at the table while Lisa grabs colas for both of them. Lisa complains about the way the day’s gone while Billy gets hornier and hornier. Billy is clearly not thinking with anything above his pubes. Barry and Johnathan come in and ask where the girls are, Lisa waves them towards her room and keeps talking to a frantic Billy. Barry and Jonathan hear the sounds still coming from the bedroom, look at each other and rush off. Lisa finally, exasperated, says she might as well just fuck Billy right now and get her parents off her back. Billy is all over this concept. Lisa takes him by the hand and heads for her room.
Scene Eleven, Int Lisa’s bedroom, day.
Lisa, pulling Billy, opens her door to reveal all four of the adults snarled up on her bed munching on whatever genitalia is handy. She says “oops, sorry” and backs out. We switch between this scene and:
Scene Twelve, Int parent’s bedroom, day.
Lisa brings Billy in and shuts the door (the noise from next door dims slightly) and pulls him to the bed. She starts with a matter-of-fact attitude, but quickly thaws out and turns into a fuck-machine. Switch back and forth between both bedrooms until the adults finish and lay there exhausted. In the silence they hear Lisa fucking up a storm. They jump up, excited, and rush in just in time to see her arch up and come hard, so they stay to congratulate her. Lisa shrieks and hides under the covers while her parents tell her proud they are and start planning her sexual training.
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It has all the necessary parts of a porn movie and the dialogue would be a blast. Some people just have no vision…
