“Hmmm. There’s Jackie, her divorce just came through and her husband brought a date to the final signing. The blonde over there, she’s pissed at her mom right now for trying to control her life so I’d say she’s ready to defy some authority, and Sara Jean at the end of the bar is just plain horny.”

    “Sounds good. What’s she drinking?”

    “Tonic water, but she’s pretending it’s gin.”

    “Send her one from me, willya? Thanks.”

    ===================

    “Here you are, ma’am.”

    “Oh, thank you. Which pathetic jerk is this from?”

    “Bill, over there. The one with the puppy dog eyes and the hard-on you can see from here.”

    “Sigh. Best I can do right now, I guess, since I have such a low self-esteem and don’t feel I deserve anyone decent. Thanks.”

    ====================

    “Hi.”

    “Hi, thanks for the drink. I suppose this obligates me to listen to your sexual offer now?”

    “Yup. I just came in and I couldn’t help noticing that while you’re sure as hell not the most attractive woman here, you’re probably the easiest. Can I flirt with you and toy with your hopes for a bit before we go back to your place and fuck?”

    “Sure. I’m going to look at you like you’re slimy and congenitally insane, but I’ve secretly decided to get laid tonight no matter what. My name isn’t really Mindy but you can call me that, since if I give you my real name you might stalk and kill me.”

    “Great, now I don’t have to find somebody else. I’m Matt, as far as you know, and I’m hoping you don’t notice the untanned skin on my ring finger.”

    “I won’t mention it if you won’t. Obviously she must be a total bitch or you wouldn’t be here, and maybe I can break you two up. Come here a lot?”

    “Oh, no, she’s great, I’m just a complete bastard who can’t keep it in his pants. I come here once a week, plus I hit on my co-workers. You?”

    “This is my first time here, I’ve never been quite this desperate before. My failed relationships have forced me to lower my standards until the best I can hope for is that you’re not diseased, impotent, or homicidal.”

    “Just herpes, but it’s not active right now so I wasn’t going to tell you. I can get it up most of the time after about half an hour of frustrating oral sex, and I wouldn’t put my mouth near your muff for all the gin in Virginia. You got a roommate? I can’t take you to my place, for obvious reasons, and I’m too cheap to pop for a motel.”

    “Oh, I always tell men I don’t go down on them, but then I always do. I’m really bad at it, and then I get mad when you won’t do me. I actually like hours of foreplay before I even start to get excited, but I never expect to get it.”

    “That’s okay, I’ll make sure to use a lot of K-Y so it won’t matter if you’re interested or not. Roommate?”

    “Yeah, a female friend of mine who’s more attractive and will probably steal you if there’s the slightest chance that I’m really interested. She’s agreed to stay out of the apartment tonight, but she’ll sneak back in later and listen through her bedroom wall. This is boring, you gonna proposition me or not?”

    “You know it, I’ve been drinking steadily and you’re looking damn fine, although I’ll regret it tomorrow and then tell my buddies you had bigger tits and a snatch that could do needlework. I’ll drive, but don’t look in my glove compartment or you’ll see my real name on my registration and I’ll have panic attacks all night.”

    “No problem, I’ll just check your driver’s license while you’re in the bathroom trying to shower my perfume off before you go home. That way I can look up your phone number so that when I fall in love and start to obsess on you, I can call you day and night.”

    “Join the club, baby. Let’s go. My wife expects me home by 10.”

    “Okay, I’ll need the extra time for a crying fit in the bathroom.”

    “Night, Joe! Thanks for the tip, it really came through! I’ll tell you my exaggerated version tomorrow night!”

    “Night, you two. Ah, love. I never get tired of it.”