O! O! O, I die!
English is a growing, changing language, rich in descriptive terms and poetic phrases. Despite what my high school English teacher kept telling me, this language has always stretched and adapted to meet the needs of its speakers. It can describe anything, and if it’s missing words that other languages have, it just takes ‘em! How cool is that? It’s capable of permitting simple, easy to understand instructions, as well as poetry that burns searing white lines across your very soul.
Not that it doesn’t have its difficulties. English is one of the hardest languages to learn – it’s the result of mixing several different languages, each with their own rules and usages, with the grammar rules from Latin nailed on top. Hey, any language that contains phrases such as “I could care less” and “I couldn’t care less” and have them mean the same damn thing can’t be all bad. And why isn’t “oxes” the plural of “ox” or “foxen” the plural of “fox”?. But I still have a healthy respect for English and its usage, and the only real complaint I have is that people are using less and less imagination in their smut.
Have you ever read erotic stories from a few hundred years back? Sure, you could find plenty of “fucks” and “cunts” and “cocks” amidst all the general friking and caning, but you could also find long, flowery descriptions of torrential explosions of love-matches, resulting in bursts of rapturous extacy. And, really, aren’t you just a little bored with hearing the same old things, night after night? “I’m coming!”, “Harder, harder!” and “Fuck me ragged, your holiness!” Try sprinkling some Victorian phrases into your bed-talk and watch your lover come alive, or at least stare at you funny. Ask her to spread wide the honey’d vermillion lips of her cunny, or demand that he lay you to waste with his impudent spearthrust of a weapon. Tell the guys on the golf course how she lowered her haunches upon your mast! Brag to the girls at the office how he loosed your stays and laid your milky-white bosom bare so that it was if a new light had come into the room! If you can type fast enough, you can easily outclass anybody elkse in your sexchat (I am engorg’d with your tender morsel; redouble your efforts and stir my vitals, lest I swoon! 
)
Here’s a quick guide:
| Victorian | Modern |
| prodigious engine, sturdy stallion, pleasure-pivot, splitter, battering piece, object of terror and delight, plenpotentiary instrument, whitestaff, machine, weapon, root, redheaded champion, stiff sinew, engine of love-assaults, steed, truncheon | dick |
| mouth of nature, the quick, cleft, cavity, avenue, soft laboratory of love, tender furrow, soft gateway to the halls of pleasure, slit, the mark, the tender part, the blank of his aim, pleasure-conduit, sweet intersection, cunny, purse, sex, cloven spot, fairest flower, soft strait passage, dark and delicious deep, pouting-lipt mouth, furnace-mouth, nethermouth, pleasure-girth, cloven inlet | pussy |
| bosom, hillocks, ripe fruits, paps, twin orbs, manuals of love’s devotion, semi-globes, capital points, ruby-tipped globes | hooters |
| posteriours, back avenue, fleshy orbs, white cliffs, back parts | butt |
| spreading thicket of curls, sable fur, ringlets, soft down, downy spring-moss | bush |
| maidenhead, bauble, innocence, spring-of-youth, virgin’s flower, an unopen’d mine | cherry |
| give her the spurs, heat of the action, sheath’d to the hilt, a trial of parts, sweet transports, velvet thrusts, cleave, pierce, storm of heaves, engagement, prize of pleasures, closest point of union, search her senses with sweet excess, tye the lover’s knot, to-and-for confriction, a pursuit of thrusts, swive | fuck |
| tenderest fires, sweet death, last gasp of joy, spend, the die-away moment, agony of bliss, boil over, rage of active delight, sting of pleasure, the critical period, the fervent fit, extatic pleasure, flood of bliss, wild rapture, consciousness’s end | come |
| warm gush, melting flow, genial juices, pearly liquids, balsamic injection, warm spray, bedewal, effusion, pearly shower | spunk |
For some quick samples, be sure to visit Hoot Island’s service, the Victorian Sex Cry Generator. Guaranteed to tease forth the effusive elixirs of physical rapture from your lover’s very innards or your money back!
