For many years now I’ve been collecting funny quotations on sex, relationships, and other sticky subjects. Today I crossed over the 1,500 mark, and I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.

Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes, and bring the cattle-prod.
Tatsuya Mihashi, What’s Up, Tiger Lily?

My love life is so bad I am taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.
Guy Bellamy

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen

I don’t think I’m gay. I don’t think I’m straight. I just think I’m slutty. Where’s my parade?
Margaret Cho

You’re young, you’re drunk, you’re in bed, you have knives; shit happens.
Angelina Jolie

You gotta think about it like the first time you got laid. You gotta go: “Daddy, are you sure this is right?”
Lori Petty, Tank Girl

So really, kissing is just pressing your lips up against the sweet end of 66 feet of intestine.
Ryan Stiles, The Drew Carey Show|

But in countless alternate realities, I?ve already slept with you, and it was the greatest experience of our lives. Can you afford to take the chance that this reality might not be the one?
Chris Bridges

Alyssa: For you, to fuck is to penetrate. You’re used to the more traditional definition — you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.
Joey Lauren Adams and Jason Lee, Chasing Amy

Use pumice on your tender nipple-buds.
Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name.”
Mike Binder

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted“sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’
Rich Jeni

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips

I am the Queen of Candypants. Do not dare question this. You must have blind faith and eat caramel-covered corn dogs in the dark while fantasizing that your face is my pillow.
Judy Tenuta, Judyisms

Of course it’s a female cheese! You want me to dance with a male cheese? That would be weird!
Gonzo, The Muppet Show

I watched a whole entire human being come out of there, and I realized that I would never again be the largest thing she had ever had. Very unsettling for the male ego. I mean, how could I say something romantic like “Here it comes baby, I’m gonna split you in half!” when I know for a fact how happy she would have been if the baby’s head had only been three times the size of my dick?
Chris Bridges

|If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Dave Barry

People say to me “You’re not very feminine.” Well, they can suck my dick.
Roseanne

Never go to bed angry, or on fire.
John Astin, The Addams Family

It may surprise you that I wasn’t very good with girls. Too smart. When I would play doctor, and “examine” a girl, I would often find an aneurysm. One time, in the midst of a particularly erotic physical exam, I discovered advanced hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
George Carlin, Braindroppings

We had the “protection” talk. We had the “cheating” talk. Always wear a rubber when you cheat!
Stacy Keach, Titus

Homer: “And someday, when Bart and Lisa get married, this’ll all be theirs.”
Marge: “You mean, when Bart and Lisa marry other people.”
Homer: “Whatever. I’m not paying for two weddings.”
Homer and Marge Simpson, The Simpsons

Are you kidding, I’m not gay. Look at me, I’m not in that kinda shape.
Drew Carey, The Drew Carey Show

I have some tricks.
I will show them to you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do.
Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat

Love is like a snowmobile flying over the frozen tundra that suddenly flips, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasles come.
Matt Groening, Life is Hell

I’ll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now — you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I’ll know you.
Groucho Marx, The Cocoanuts

I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.
Carrie Snow

I’m not kinky, but occasionally I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine.
Gary Shandling

I like making love myself and I can make love for about three minutes. Three minutes of serious fucking and I need about eight hours sleep and a bowl of Wheaties.
Richard Pryor

And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state which recognized their marriage as legal.
Jane Lane, Daria

I haven’t seen that much twine since that night in Tokyo in ‘68.
Sam, Sam and Max Hit the Road

I don’t know about this. I’ve never been seduced by Predeterminism Theory before.
Chloe Annett, Red Dwarf

I was an atheist right up until my first blowjob.
Chris Bridges

It’s the night before Christmas, and you’re panicking because you still haven’t thought of the right thing to get for your lover. Sound familiar? Either he/she is just impossible to buy for, or you already found the perfect gift and then they bought one themselves yesterday, or you bought a nice card and then you were digging through the attic and accidentally found the DVD player they got you, or you’ve been away from humanity for the last few months and you somehow missed the significance of the date. Hey, it can happen. But now you’re screwed. All the good stuff is gone, and it’ll take you 10 or 12 hours of driving, fighting through crowds, and committing violent acts on total strangers to discover that for yourself. So what the hell do you do now? How can you possibly find something that you know your lover wants, a special gift only you can offer?

Well, duh.

While there are always, thankfully, exceptions, it’s true that in most relationships there is usually one or two things that one person really, really wants the other to do that the other is uncomfortable with, usually for reasons of squeamishness, religious beliefs, or hygiene. What better time to take a deep breath, open up your inhibitions, and offer your lover the greatest thing they could ever ask for? Think of the love and trust it shows! Think of the closer relationship you’ll share! Think of the money you’ll save!

While I can’t pretend to know the hidden reluctances in your heart, I will offer tips on the two most common holdouts, and hopefully you’ll be able to take these tips and modify them to fit your own situation. Every loving couple is different, and not every person wants the same things. But I’m going to go out on a limb here…

HOW TO GIVE A BLOWJOB WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO

I can guarantee you that there are very few guys in the world who could receive an all-out, ball-busting, sheet-tearing, neighbors-calling-the-cops-because-of-all-the-goddamn-noise blowjob on Christmas morning and not count themselves fortunate. However, I can also understand why you might be hesitant to duck below the sheets. There’s the squick factor of his hairiness, his manly odor, putting that thing in your mouth in the first place, the fear of choking, the neck and lip strain, and the considerable problem of exactly what to do with the gooey, bitter, salty stuff that results. Yeesh. But all these things can be overcome, you should excuse the expression.

The trick is to give him more than he wants. What he doesn’t want is a reluctant and half-hearted attempt done through guilt or pressure (if he does, dump him, the asshole). What he wants is a miraculous change in your attitude that somehow results in you desperately needing to suck him off. Since that’s unlikely without angelic or Christmas ghostly intervention, you’ll have to fake him out.

The first thing to remember is that you should, at all times, present the appearance of someone who is simply dying to suck him off, despite all historical evidence to the contrary. Attitude is everything here. The way to start is to come in with a smile and a hot wet washcloth. Keep smiling at him as you bend down seductively and rub the washcloth all over his bikini zone.

What he’ll see: you lovingly getting him ready.
What you’re doing: getting rid of the excess funk before you begin.

If he’s still limp, now’s the time to show him your deep-throat expertise. Keep the eye contact as you gobble him up whole and swirl your tongue around the head. Suck as hard as you can, you might even enjoy the sensation. He sure will, but when he starts getting hard let his dick push itself out of your mouth so that you end up with just the tip between your lips and one (or both) hands around the shaft. Give him a shy smile and lick up and down the shaft slowly and carefully. Eye contact is important! Not only does it provide a powerful erotic charge for him, it also keeps him from noticing what you are and aren’t doing.

What he’ll see: you preparing to worship at the altar of cock.
What you’re doing: setting him on the fast track to orgasm with minimal effort, and providing him with the initial memory of his entire dick in your mouth, something that now need not be repeated.

Just before the licking gets too repetitive, wrap your hands around his dick and let whatever’s left slip into your mouth. Stroke hard up and down, keeping pressure on the ridge on the underside of his shaft. Moan a lot. Make sure that whenever you have him in your mouth that you keep at least one hand wrapped around his dick at the base, so you won’t be in danger of taking any more in your mouth than you’re ready to handle. Don’t try too hard to keep your lips tight, you’ll wear out too fast. Instead, keep your tongue firm against the underside of the head as it passes back and forth. If you have long hair bend low over him so he feels it brushing against his skin as you thrash your head back and forth, and so it masks the fact that you’re only actually taking an inch or so.

What he’ll see and feel: you taking it all the way down.
What you’re doing: stroking him so he won’t notice that you’re not really using your mouth that much.

Whenever you get too tired of bobbing, pull out and work some time-wasting magic. Use both hands to rub his dick all over your face and throat. Let your teeth graze him lightly. Spit on one hand and jack him off fast. Stroke him with one hand and work his balls with the other. Let one hand slide up his belly and play with his nipples while you nip at his inner thighs. If you’re sufficiently sized up front, wrap your breasts around his dick and let him go at it (with enough lubrication first, please). The idea here is that his balls are full of chocolate and you want it out right now! Keep it up, stroking concstantly, until you’re ready to bob some more, than wrap your hands back around him and go back to nearly sucking. Alternate as needed.

What he’ll see and feel: you going apeshit over the glory of his whanger.
What you’re doing: making him completely lose his shit with what he thinks is the blowjob of his dreams and what is, in reality, a handjob all dollied up.

When you think he’s getting close, moan with a little more desperation and stroke faster. When he starts to tense up, let go of him and run your hands over your own body for a few minutes until his throbbing subsides.

What he’ll think: you’re not just doing this to please him and get it over with, you’re getting off on it.
What you’re doing: letting him build up for an even more powerful, mind-blowing orgasm, which will be important soon.

When you think he’s had just about enough, really go at it. It is impossible to overact at this point. Stroke him hard and fast, let the hot wetness of your mouth drive him crazy, and keep running your free hand over yourself as you moan louder and more insistently. Right before he lets fly, pull him out of your mouth, grab his shaft in both hands, and start stroking hard while rubbing the head of his dick all over your throat and breasts. Comments like “Come for me! Come for me!” are good here. When he starts squirting, aim it at your chest and rub it over yourself like it’s the best thing you’ve ever felt in your life. Never mind the reality (it’s a hot gooey mess that will turn into a cold gooey mess in a matter of seconds), keep pumping him until you can’t get any more and then lean back, rubbing it into your nipples and smiling at him.

What he’ll feel: after the way you built him up, he’ll experience a knee-trembling orgasm that’s all the more satisfactory when he sees how badly you need his hot spunk.
What you’re doing: keeping him so mindless and worked up that he utterly fails to notice you haven’t even come close to swallowing anything.

After he’s done, clean him off with the still-warm washcloth, and wish him a Merry Christmas.

So. After all that, what can you guys possibly offer your lady as an equal token of your love and affection?

HOW TO PAY ATTENTION TO HER

Sit down next to her, look her in the eyes, and think about the game while she goes on about some clothing sale or something. Nod occasionally. Every now and then, listen closely enough so that you can ask an intelligent question, then go back to figuring earned-run averages in your mind. The most important thing to remember is this: do not assume you’ll get a blowjob right afterwards. In fact, don’t try for any kind of intimacy at all. Let her know that you don’t expect sex, you just enjoyed spending time with her and you’d like to do it again.

That’s it.

I know, it seems weird. But I promise you, she’ll love it, and you’ll get some next time.

Happy holidays, everybody!

Ladies, does this sound familiar?

You try and try to ask your man what he wants for Christmas. You hint and you wheedle and you watch for signs, but no matter how you ask he just shrugs and says some some smartass comment like “A blowjob, why?”

Isn’t that just like a guy? You ask him a serious question and he answers with some lame toss-off answer like that. Well, speaking for guys around the world, I’m here to reveal the sincere and honest truth:

We’re serious. We really do want a blowjob.

And so I’d like to present to you all the entirely plausible reasons why you should grant your guy a little Christmas cheer under the covers this morning.

- It’s cheaper than a set of tires.
- He was really, really good this year.
- You don’t have to worry about the United States Postal Service.
- If you don’t do it, Santa has to.
- You can probably talk him into giving you a backrub right afterwards.
- Who are we kidding, you can probably talk him into giving you a new living room set right afterwards.
- 10 minutes and your shopping is done.
- You don’t have to wade through crowds to get his gift (if you do have to wade through crowds, maybe you should rethink this relationship)
- You don’t have to worry about where to hide his gift beforehand.
- It’s a pretty safe bet that at least this year his mom won’t be able to get him anything better and outclass you.
- You don’t have to worry about your credit card balance, bank account or grocery money.
- You can make him make those weird little whimpering noises.
- His balls ring, are you listening?
- You don’t have to worry about getting him the wrong brand, the wrong color or the wrong model.
- Depending on your technique, you probably don’t have to get batteries.
- It’s one less gift you’ll have to wrap.
- It’s extremely unlikely he gave himself one before you could give him yours.
- It’s so refreshing to finally enjoy having one of your gifts returned
- You can put a ribbon on your own head and give him a “bowjob”.
- You don’t have to worry about whether or not he already has one.
- It’ll never be one of those presents he just pretends to like and then “accidentally” breaks the first day.
- You won’t have his entire family watching him open his present and muttering about it, unless you have an exceptionally open attitude about these things.
- You don’t have to keep track of the receipt.
- It’ll fit. I promise.
- You don’t have to worry about the online company going bankrupt before shipping.
- It’s the hot gift this year, like robot dogs, Playstation 2s and those damn scooters, and you don’t have to scurry store-to-store to get it.
- He’ll be much more relaxed when your family arrives and maybe this year you can avoid the traditional after-dinner “are you all fucking insane?” speech.
- You can go back to sleep right afterwards, honest.
- The Santa at the mall told him he’d get one.
- Away in this manger, there’ll be room for some head.
- You can use the extra cash for your own present.
- You can wrap red ribbon around it and make a candy cane.
- With any luck he won’t wake up until you’re almost through and you can avoid the inevitable cries of “Suck Dasher, suck Dancer!” and “Oh sweet Jesus, here comes Santa Claus!”
- If you wear those little jingly bell earrings you can get a sleighbell sound going for a nice holiday effect.
- You won’t see it for 75% off in the stores the next day.
- You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that for him the rest of this joyous day is all downhill, except maybe for the football game.
- Selfless giving is the true meaning of Christmas, so why not give him some.
- You get to eat the milk and cookies that were left out, with perfect justification.
- Every time you swallow, an angel gets her wings.
- You might get it back next year.

God, I hope this works…

How many times has this happened to you? There you are, hammering away at your latest erotic masterpiece, when suddenly you cannot go on without the perfect phrase to precisely describe what a three-quarters-erect uncut penis feels like through moistened silk. This is not the sort of thing that thesaurus.com is designed for, and the help desk at the city library is notoriously unhelpful in these matters.

Erotica writers who are male have this one solved, of course. Even female writers with agreeable male acquaintances can manage. One only has to locate a scrap of silk and experiment, leaving one hand free to type. But what if you have no penis, either personally or to hand? Will kielbasa wrapped in a scarf suffice? Should it be microwaved first?

What if you’re a man trying to articulate that exact feeling achieved when a curved dildo rubs against the sweet spot just behind the pelvic bone inside the vagina? Can you fake it? Unless you have a convenient woman to ask, a healthy appreciation for invasive surgery, or you’re M. Christian, you’ll just have to guess and hope no one will notice a certain vagueness in your prose.

Verisimilitude is one of the biggest pitfalls you face as an erotica writer. You may or may not get away with describing an erection as “throbbing” but if you use even such likely-sounding words as “howling” or “pinging” your readers will suspect you’re making it all up. You are, of course. Anyone in a sexual relationship good enough to write about has no time to write about it. But they shouldn’t know that.

Your best course of action is to enter into your own intimate relationship and catalogue as many aspects of sex and sexuality as you can, for later use. Obviously this can have its own problems.

“You like that, baby? Huh?”
“Ooohh, god, yes!”
“How about this?”
“Aagh! Oh, Jesus…!”
“Better than before?”
“Oh yeah, lover, yeah, just keep…”
“How much better?”
“…unh… what?”
“Would you describe this as ‘pulse-pounding,’ ‘deliciously tantalizing,’ or just ‘arousing’?”
“What? Oooh… I don’t know, the second one?”
“Really? That’s interesting…” [makes a note]
“What… what are you doing?”
“Nothing, baby. Hey, is this an inner labia or an outer one? I can never remember…”

But with a bit of discretion and some skill in shorthand you’ll be able to sock away an enormous repertoire of erotic terms and exposition, often with pulse-pounding results. Even a disastrous one-night stand with a drunken coworker can yield pages of sordid analogies and fleshy passages to convey excitement, discovery of your own burgeoning sexual identity, physical ecstasy beyond your wildest dreams, betrayal, soul-searing heartache, and the correct terminology for generic penicillin.

This may not be suitable for all writers, however. Some writers may be celibate. Some writers may choose not to participate in the acts they’ve chosen to write about, something like writing about auto racing without ever getting into a car. Some writers may be virginal, a more common condition than you’d think and an excellent source of long-repressed imagination. And more than a few are married, in prison, or otherwise absent from any handy sources of romantic passion.

In these situations, substitutes must be found. You need props to help you visualize your characters and their wobbly bits, and fortunately they’re close at hand. Any number of online adult toy stores would be more than happy to outfit you with the genitalia of your choice. But what of the erotica writer with a budget?

Cheap sex toys are worse than nothing at all. Few readers are turned on by hearing about a lover’s plastic smell or visible seams, and describing a pussy by the squeaking noises it makes will never get you into Maxim Jakubowski’s anthologies. Instead, create more realistic versions at home yourself. It’s easy!

For a penis, take a thick pepperoni and cut it off at the desired length. Use a long drill bit or a chopstick to create a thin tunnel that extends almost to the end of the sausage. Get a bicycle pump and stick the nozzle into the hole you’ve created. Now pump rhythmically with one hand while you hold the pepperoni in the other. Feel that firm meaty wand, pulsing in your grasp like a wild animal straining to be free? There you go. You can name it “Carl.”

For a vagina, I recommend grapefruit. The pulp is moist with just the right amount of give, and the thick outer skin will help keep it together. Cut a diamond-shaped slit in the skin and use a knife to shave and soften the edges. Dip the entire grapefruit into boiling water for just a few seconds, and you’ll have a cunt to be proud of. It’ll start to come apart quickly, so have a pencil ready for your metaphoric inspirations. Do not do this if you have any cuts or open wounds on your fingers, as the effects of hot citric acid could give you some very unique concepts about personal intimacy.

Keep your refrigerator stocked with these items, as well as some cucumbers, tightly-bagged chicken breasts, zucchinis, and handfuls of raw liver, and you’ll never again be at a loss to capture that throbbing, pinging feeling again.

If you’ve been paying attention to people and talk shows around you, you know that relationships are built on love, communication, and attentiveness. Of course a manly man wouldn’t have paid attention, which is why I’m writing this out for you. If you want to keep your woman happy and loyal, legally, then you need to open yourself up to her.

This is the price you pay for poon. You have to abandon your inner masculinity and pretend to be sensitive and shit. You have to think of cutesy, fucking adorable presents that look like ceramic cue balls with fluff and purple feathers on ‘em, or you have to shell out the price of a decent car on jewelry, or you have to put up with some kinda artsy crap that makes you want to chew your own ears off in self defense.

But more than any of that, more than those extra things you put up with to make her feel special, like eating at a sit-down restaurant or listening to her in public without laughing, she wants you to, you know. Munch it. Lick it a little. Get your face wet. Do some curl-diving. Clean the crease. Go after the honey. She wants you to eat some pussy, man, and you’d better be ready.

Now there are guys who flatly refuse to do this. They’ll talk about the sissiness of kneeling in front of a woman, or about how the vagina just doesn’t fit in the male mouth (although the penis does, in fact, fit nicely into a female mouth, as God intended), or how it’s immoral, or how it’s disgusting, or how it’s got teeth inside that’ll chomp your nose off in nothing flat, or how the swirling crevice of mists will steal your soul. All true. Which is why only a real man will dare do it!

The problem is attitude. Son, you need to stop thinking of the act of kneeling in front of a woman as being unmanly, and think of it more like kneeling in front of the defensive line just before the snap. You’ve got a tough job to do. There’s some heavy opposition, and you’re gonna be sore and aching before you score, but perseverance and a good game plan will get you across the line with seconds to spare.

See, first of all, unlike the average dick, your average pussy doesn’t want to come. I don’t know why this is, but it is. I mean, you can do just about anything to your dick that you do when you pet your dog, although I don’t recommend combining the two. But a pussy’s gotta be snuck up on. It’s like trying to unlock a padlock with your tongue. You gotta coax it into doing what you’d think it wants to do anyway. And if you screw up, you have to start all over. It’s no wonder a lotta guys won’t try it – same reason a lotta guys won’t try hang-gliding: they’re afraid that they’ll suck at it, and they’re afraid they’ll find out too late.

You can do it! You just need the right instruction. None of that “g-spot” and “follow your lover’s movements” and shit. Here, listen to this.

Learn the field.
Any sportsman knows how important it is to scout the territory. Don’t let it get the home court advantage! Study the critter closely. Learn its habits, its likes and dislikes, and where it hangs out. You need to know what it’s bringing to the court before you know how to take it.

See? That ain’t so tough. Just get in there and check it out, blazing a trail when necessary, and you’ll feel comfortable with it in no time. You might even suggest that she shave things up a bit. She’ll think it’s a romantic and sexy gesture on your part, no need to tell her it’s so you can see what all the fuck’s in there.

The clitoris is the part you want. The rest of it is just the stuff you have to eat to get there. The clit’s sensitive, I guess, and you don’t wanna start off with a rushing play or you’ll scare it off. Start out with short passes and ground movement to make your yardage.

Stay the distance.
Many a man has gone in with good moves and a clear head, only to pass out from fatique. It’s a lot of hard work, getting a woman to orgasm. Think of it like you’re pushing her, on her back, all the way into the end zone using only your tongue. Not so wimpy now, huh, pretty boy?

You’ll need a training regime, including some breath training, before you begin. I suggest daily exercises that increase your neck and tongue strength, such as wearing a cinder block around your neck while pushing your tongue through 1/4 drywall (10 reps, repeat). You’re going to have to keep licking, exactly the same way, for upwards of a day and a half, with no flags. Down in the trenches is no place for the weak. One of the membership rituals in the Special Ops division is to stand tall while holding a woman perpendicular to your face by sheer tongue strength alone. Let’s see the National Guard try that!

Plan your moves.
Once you get an idea of the terrain, you’ll need a solid game plan. Talk to veterans of the game to get a feel for the skills you’ll need. Older brothers, co-workers and uncles are good for this. Training videos are available at any adult video store. You might even have some already; go back and watch your porn again but stop fast-forwarding past the pussy-eating. Or you can just watch the girl-girl stuff, that works too.

It’s not uncommon to go in confident but forget everything once the whistle blows. This is why winning teams rely on their coach. You might find it advisable to draw some diagrams, or have a friend call out suggestions. Remember, he can see the whole field, he can advise you on your strategy when all you can see is hair.

Get in there and win
Hunker on down between her legs and plant yourself good and solid, you’ll need purchase. Get your game face on and look it right in the eye. 50% of good rug-munching is intimidation. Make it respect you, and the battle’s halfway over.

The sex books will tell you to start slow, nibble the lips, let her get aroused at her own pace. Fuck that, I ain’t got all day and neither do you. Go for the goodies right away, she won’t be expecting that and you’ll have the upper hand. The clit will be surprised and vulnerable, and you can get it into a tonguelock before it knows what hit it. Often at this point the woman will scream in ecstacy or something, and may be so deeply aroused that she tries to grab your hair or even kick you. Play through the pain, my friend!

Now you’ve got to get settled in for the long haul. It can take hours, even days of grueling and repetitive neck-breaking effort. Is that an excuse? Did I hear an excuse? Get back down there soldier and give me 20! I want you to lick like you’re trying to lick the label off a bottle of Bud! This is a fight to the finish, and you’ve got to hang in there til the last round. Ever see your dog go after the water dish after a long run? Lap, lap, lap, quick and steady, for fucking hours. Be the dog! If you can get your tongue to curl up backwards like he does you’ll be in and out of there in twenty minutes!

I admit, it can seem daunting. A word of advice – they make these little TVs now that you can carry it in your palm. Sneak one of those along, stick one of those little earphone jobbies in your ear and you can keep up on the game while you make with the oral stuff.

How to tell when you’re done
Beats the shit out of me. I usually stop when she screams in passion, “Enough! God! Enough!” All I know is, after one of my Jawbreaker Specials, my woman doesn’t have to ask me for it again for weeks, she’s that satisfied.

As the late, great Woody Hayes probably said, “Treat your baby doll to some deepdish tonguing. It’s your duty, soldier.”