The Manly Guide to Rug Munching

If you’ve been paying attention to people and talk shows around you, you know that relationships are built on love, communication, and attentiveness. Of course a manly man wouldn’t have paid attention, which is why I’m writing this out for you. If you want to keep your woman happy and loyal, legally, then you need to open yourself up to her.

This is the price you pay for poon. You have to abandon your inner masculinity and pretend to be sensitive and shit. You have to think of cutesy, fucking adorable presents that look like ceramic cue balls with fluff and purple feathers on ‘em, or you have to shell out the price of a decent car on jewelry, or you have to put up with some kinda artsy crap that makes you want to chew your own ears off in self defense.

But more than any of that, more than those extra things you put up with to make her feel special, like eating at a sit-down restaurant or listening to her in public without laughing, she wants you to, you know. Munch it. Lick it a little. Get your face wet. Do some curl-diving. Clean the crease. Go after the honey. She wants you to eat some pussy, man, and you’d better be ready.

Now there are guys who flatly refuse to do this. They’ll talk about the sissiness of kneeling in front of a woman, or about how the vagina just doesn’t fit in the male mouth (although the penis does, in fact, fit nicely into a female mouth, as God intended), or how it’s immoral, or how it’s disgusting, or how it’s got teeth inside that’ll chomp your nose off in nothing flat, or how the swirling crevice of mists will steal your soul. All true. Which is why only a real man will dare do it!

The problem is attitude. Son, you need to stop thinking of the act of kneeling in front of a woman as being unmanly, and think of it more like kneeling in front of the defensive line just before the snap. You’ve got a tough job to do. There’s some heavy opposition, and you’re gonna be sore and aching before you score, but perseverance and a good game plan will get you across the line with seconds to spare.

See, first of all, unlike the average dick, your average pussy doesn’t want to come. I don’t know why this is, but it is. I mean, you can do just about anything to your dick that you do when you pet your dog, although I don’t recommend combining the two. But a pussy’s gotta be snuck up on. It’s like trying to unlock a padlock with your tongue. You gotta coax it into doing what you’d think it wants to do anyway. And if you screw up, you have to start all over. It’s no wonder a lotta guys won’t try it – same reason a lotta guys won’t try hang-gliding: they’re afraid that they’ll suck at it, and they’re afraid they’ll find out too late.

You can do it! You just need the right instruction. None of that “g-spot” and “follow your lover’s movements” and shit. Here, listen to this.

Learn the field.
Any sportsman knows how important it is to scout the territory. Don’t let it get the home court advantage! Study the critter closely. Learn its habits, its likes and dislikes, and where it hangs out. You need to know what it’s bringing to the court before you know how to take it.

See? That ain’t so tough. Just get in there and check it out, blazing a trail when necessary, and you’ll feel comfortable with it in no time. You might even suggest that she shave things up a bit. She’ll think it’s a romantic and sexy gesture on your part, no need to tell her it’s so you can see what all the fuck’s in there.

The clitoris is the part you want. The rest of it is just the stuff you have to eat to get there. The clit’s sensitive, I guess, and you don’t wanna start off with a rushing play or you’ll scare it off. Start out with short passes and ground movement to make your yardage.

Stay the distance.
Many a man has gone in with good moves and a clear head, only to pass out from fatique. It’s a lot of hard work, getting a woman to orgasm. Think of it like you’re pushing her, on her back, all the way into the end zone using only your tongue. Not so wimpy now, huh, pretty boy?

You’ll need a training regime, including some breath training, before you begin. I suggest daily exercises that increase your neck and tongue strength, such as wearing a cinder block around your neck while pushing your tongue through 1/4 drywall (10 reps, repeat). You’re going to have to keep licking, exactly the same way, for upwards of a day and a half, with no flags. Down in the trenches is no place for the weak. One of the membership rituals in the Special Ops division is to stand tall while holding a woman perpendicular to your face by sheer tongue strength alone. Let’s see the National Guard try that!

Plan your moves.
Once you get an idea of the terrain, you’ll need a solid game plan. Talk to veterans of the game to get a feel for the skills you’ll need. Older brothers, co-workers and uncles are good for this. Training videos are available at any adult video store. You might even have some already; go back and watch your porn again but stop fast-forwarding past the pussy-eating. Or you can just watch the girl-girl stuff, that works too.

It’s not uncommon to go in confident but forget everything once the whistle blows. This is why winning teams rely on their coach. You might find it advisable to draw some diagrams, or have a friend call out suggestions. Remember, he can see the whole field, he can advise you on your strategy when all you can see is hair.

Get in there and win
Hunker on down between her legs and plant yourself good and solid, you’ll need purchase. Get your game face on and look it right in the eye. 50% of good rug-munching is intimidation. Make it respect you, and the battle’s halfway over.

The sex books will tell you to start slow, nibble the lips, let her get aroused at her own pace. Fuck that, I ain’t got all day and neither do you. Go for the goodies right away, she won’t be expecting that and you’ll have the upper hand. The clit will be surprised and vulnerable, and you can get it into a tonguelock before it knows what hit it. Often at this point the woman will scream in ecstacy or something, and may be so deeply aroused that she tries to grab your hair or even kick you. Play through the pain, my friend!

Now you’ve got to get settled in for the long haul. It can take hours, even days of grueling and repetitive neck-breaking effort. Is that an excuse? Did I hear an excuse? Get back down there soldier and give me 20! I want you to lick like you’re trying to lick the label off a bottle of Bud! This is a fight to the finish, and you’ve got to hang in there til the last round. Ever see your dog go after the water dish after a long run? Lap, lap, lap, quick and steady, for fucking hours. Be the dog! If you can get your tongue to curl up backwards like he does you’ll be in and out of there in twenty minutes!

I admit, it can seem daunting. A word of advice – they make these little TVs now that you can carry it in your palm. Sneak one of those along, stick one of those little earphone jobbies in your ear and you can keep up on the game while you make with the oral stuff.

How to tell when you’re done
Beats the shit out of me. I usually stop when she screams in passion, “Enough! God! Enough!” All I know is, after one of my Jawbreaker Specials, my woman doesn’t have to ask me for it again for weeks, she’s that satisfied.

As the late, great Woody Hayes probably said, “Treat your baby doll to some deepdish tonguing. It’s your duty, soldier.”

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