Ladies, does this sound familiar?

You try and try to ask your man what he wants for Christmas. You hint and you wheedle and you watch for signs, but no matter how you ask he just shrugs and says some some smartass comment like “A blowjob, why?”

Isn’t that just like a guy? You ask him a serious question and he answers with some lame toss-off answer like that. Well, speaking for guys around the world, I’m here to reveal the sincere and honest truth:

We’re serious. We really do want a blowjob.

And so I’d like to present to you all the entirely plausible reasons why you should grant your guy a little Christmas cheer under the covers this morning.

- It’s cheaper than a set of tires.
- He was really, really good this year.
- You don’t have to worry about the United States Postal Service.
- If you don’t do it, Santa has to.
- You can probably talk him into giving you a backrub right afterwards.
- Who are we kidding, you can probably talk him into giving you a new living room set right afterwards.
- 10 minutes and your shopping is done.
- You don’t have to wade through crowds to get his gift (if you do have to wade through crowds, maybe you should rethink this relationship)
- You don’t have to worry about where to hide his gift beforehand.
- It’s a pretty safe bet that at least this year his mom won’t be able to get him anything better and outclass you.
- You don’t have to worry about your credit card balance, bank account or grocery money.
- You can make him make those weird little whimpering noises.
- His balls ring, are you listening?
- You don’t have to worry about getting him the wrong brand, the wrong color or the wrong model.
- Depending on your technique, you probably don’t have to get batteries.
- It’s one less gift you’ll have to wrap.
- It’s extremely unlikely he gave himself one before you could give him yours.
- It’s so refreshing to finally enjoy having one of your gifts returned
- You can put a ribbon on your own head and give him a “bowjob”.
- You don’t have to worry about whether or not he already has one.
- It’ll never be one of those presents he just pretends to like and then “accidentally” breaks the first day.
- You won’t have his entire family watching him open his present and muttering about it, unless you have an exceptionally open attitude about these things.
- You don’t have to keep track of the receipt.
- It’ll fit. I promise.
- You don’t have to worry about the online company going bankrupt before shipping.
- It’s the hot gift this year, like robot dogs, Playstation 2s and those damn scooters, and you don’t have to scurry store-to-store to get it.
- He’ll be much more relaxed when your family arrives and maybe this year you can avoid the traditional after-dinner “are you all fucking insane?” speech.
- You can go back to sleep right afterwards, honest.
- The Santa at the mall told him he’d get one.
- Away in this manger, there’ll be room for some head.
- You can use the extra cash for your own present.
- You can wrap red ribbon around it and make a candy cane.
- With any luck he won’t wake up until you’re almost through and you can avoid the inevitable cries of “Suck Dasher, suck Dancer!” and “Oh sweet Jesus, here comes Santa Claus!”
- If you wear those little jingly bell earrings you can get a sleighbell sound going for a nice holiday effect.
- You won’t see it for 75% off in the stores the next day.
- You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that for him the rest of this joyous day is all downhill, except maybe for the football game.
- Selfless giving is the true meaning of Christmas, so why not give him some.
- You get to eat the milk and cookies that were left out, with perfect justification.
- Every time you swallow, an angel gets her wings.
- You might get it back next year.

God, I hope this works…