It’s the night before Christmas, and you’re panicking because you still haven’t thought of the right thing to get for your lover. Sound familiar? Either he/she is just impossible to buy for, or you already found the perfect gift and then they bought one themselves yesterday, or you bought a nice card and then you were digging through the attic and accidentally found the DVD player they got you, or you’ve been away from humanity for the last few months and you somehow missed the significance of the date. Hey, it can happen. But now you’re screwed. All the good stuff is gone, and it’ll take you 10 or 12 hours of driving, fighting through crowds, and committing violent acts on total strangers to discover that for yourself. So what the hell do you do now? How can you possibly find something that you know your lover wants, a special gift only you can offer?

Well, duh.

While there are always, thankfully, exceptions, it’s true that in most relationships there is usually one or two things that one person really, really wants the other to do that the other is uncomfortable with, usually for reasons of squeamishness, religious beliefs, or hygiene. What better time to take a deep breath, open up your inhibitions, and offer your lover the greatest thing they could ever ask for? Think of the love and trust it shows! Think of the closer relationship you’ll share! Think of the money you’ll save!

While I can’t pretend to know the hidden reluctances in your heart, I will offer tips on the two most common holdouts, and hopefully you’ll be able to take these tips and modify them to fit your own situation. Every loving couple is different, and not every person wants the same things. But I’m going to go out on a limb here…

HOW TO GIVE A BLOWJOB WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO

I can guarantee you that there are very few guys in the world who could receive an all-out, ball-busting, sheet-tearing, neighbors-calling-the-cops-because-of-all-the-goddamn-noise blowjob on Christmas morning and not count themselves fortunate. However, I can also understand why you might be hesitant to duck below the sheets. There’s the squick factor of his hairiness, his manly odor, putting that thing in your mouth in the first place, the fear of choking, the neck and lip strain, and the considerable problem of exactly what to do with the gooey, bitter, salty stuff that results. Yeesh. But all these things can be overcome, you should excuse the expression.

The trick is to give him more than he wants. What he doesn’t want is a reluctant and half-hearted attempt done through guilt or pressure (if he does, dump him, the asshole). What he wants is a miraculous change in your attitude that somehow results in you desperately needing to suck him off. Since that’s unlikely without angelic or Christmas ghostly intervention, you’ll have to fake him out.

The first thing to remember is that you should, at all times, present the appearance of someone who is simply dying to suck him off, despite all historical evidence to the contrary. Attitude is everything here. The way to start is to come in with a smile and a hot wet washcloth. Keep smiling at him as you bend down seductively and rub the washcloth all over his bikini zone.

What he’ll see: you lovingly getting him ready.
What you’re doing: getting rid of the excess funk before you begin.

If he’s still limp, now’s the time to show him your deep-throat expertise. Keep the eye contact as you gobble him up whole and swirl your tongue around the head. Suck as hard as you can, you might even enjoy the sensation. He sure will, but when he starts getting hard let his dick push itself out of your mouth so that you end up with just the tip between your lips and one (or both) hands around the shaft. Give him a shy smile and lick up and down the shaft slowly and carefully. Eye contact is important! Not only does it provide a powerful erotic charge for him, it also keeps him from noticing what you are and aren’t doing.

What he’ll see: you preparing to worship at the altar of cock.
What you’re doing: setting him on the fast track to orgasm with minimal effort, and providing him with the initial memory of his entire dick in your mouth, something that now need not be repeated.

Just before the licking gets too repetitive, wrap your hands around his dick and let whatever’s left slip into your mouth. Stroke hard up and down, keeping pressure on the ridge on the underside of his shaft. Moan a lot. Make sure that whenever you have him in your mouth that you keep at least one hand wrapped around his dick at the base, so you won’t be in danger of taking any more in your mouth than you’re ready to handle. Don’t try too hard to keep your lips tight, you’ll wear out too fast. Instead, keep your tongue firm against the underside of the head as it passes back and forth. If you have long hair bend low over him so he feels it brushing against his skin as you thrash your head back and forth, and so it masks the fact that you’re only actually taking an inch or so.

What he’ll see and feel: you taking it all the way down.
What you’re doing: stroking him so he won’t notice that you’re not really using your mouth that much.

Whenever you get too tired of bobbing, pull out and work some time-wasting magic. Use both hands to rub his dick all over your face and throat. Let your teeth graze him lightly. Spit on one hand and jack him off fast. Stroke him with one hand and work his balls with the other. Let one hand slide up his belly and play with his nipples while you nip at his inner thighs. If you’re sufficiently sized up front, wrap your breasts around his dick and let him go at it (with enough lubrication first, please). The idea here is that his balls are full of chocolate and you want it out right now! Keep it up, stroking concstantly, until you’re ready to bob some more, than wrap your hands back around him and go back to nearly sucking. Alternate as needed.

What he’ll see and feel: you going apeshit over the glory of his whanger.
What you’re doing: making him completely lose his shit with what he thinks is the blowjob of his dreams and what is, in reality, a handjob all dollied up.

When you think he’s getting close, moan with a little more desperation and stroke faster. When he starts to tense up, let go of him and run your hands over your own body for a few minutes until his throbbing subsides.

What he’ll think: you’re not just doing this to please him and get it over with, you’re getting off on it.
What you’re doing: letting him build up for an even more powerful, mind-blowing orgasm, which will be important soon.

When you think he’s had just about enough, really go at it. It is impossible to overact at this point. Stroke him hard and fast, let the hot wetness of your mouth drive him crazy, and keep running your free hand over yourself as you moan louder and more insistently. Right before he lets fly, pull him out of your mouth, grab his shaft in both hands, and start stroking hard while rubbing the head of his dick all over your throat and breasts. Comments like “Come for me! Come for me!” are good here. When he starts squirting, aim it at your chest and rub it over yourself like it’s the best thing you’ve ever felt in your life. Never mind the reality (it’s a hot gooey mess that will turn into a cold gooey mess in a matter of seconds), keep pumping him until you can’t get any more and then lean back, rubbing it into your nipples and smiling at him.

What he’ll feel: after the way you built him up, he’ll experience a knee-trembling orgasm that’s all the more satisfactory when he sees how badly you need his hot spunk.
What you’re doing: keeping him so mindless and worked up that he utterly fails to notice you haven’t even come close to swallowing anything.

After he’s done, clean him off with the still-warm washcloth, and wish him a Merry Christmas.

So. After all that, what can you guys possibly offer your lady as an equal token of your love and affection?

HOW TO PAY ATTENTION TO HER

Sit down next to her, look her in the eyes, and think about the game while she goes on about some clothing sale or something. Nod occasionally. Every now and then, listen closely enough so that you can ask an intelligent question, then go back to figuring earned-run averages in your mind. The most important thing to remember is this: do not assume you’ll get a blowjob right afterwards. In fact, don’t try for any kind of intimacy at all. Let her know that you don’t expect sex, you just enjoyed spending time with her and you’d like to do it again.

That’s it.

I know, it seems weird. But I promise you, she’ll love it, and you’ll get some next time.

Happy holidays, everybody!