For many years now I’ve been collecting funny quotations on sex, relationships, and other sticky subjects. Today I crossed over the 1,500 mark, and I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.

Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes, and bring the cattle-prod.
Tatsuya Mihashi, What’s Up, Tiger Lily?

My love life is so bad I am taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.
Guy Bellamy

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen

I don’t think I’m gay. I don’t think I’m straight. I just think I’m slutty. Where’s my parade?
Margaret Cho

You’re young, you’re drunk, you’re in bed, you have knives; shit happens.
Angelina Jolie

You gotta think about it like the first time you got laid. You gotta go: “Daddy, are you sure this is right?”
Lori Petty, Tank Girl

So really, kissing is just pressing your lips up against the sweet end of 66 feet of intestine.
Ryan Stiles, The Drew Carey Show|

But in countless alternate realities, I?ve already slept with you, and it was the greatest experience of our lives. Can you afford to take the chance that this reality might not be the one?
Chris Bridges

Alyssa: For you, to fuck is to penetrate. You’re used to the more traditional definition — you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.
Joey Lauren Adams and Jason Lee, Chasing Amy

Use pumice on your tender nipple-buds.
Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name.”
Mike Binder

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted“sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’
Rich Jeni

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips

I am the Queen of Candypants. Do not dare question this. You must have blind faith and eat caramel-covered corn dogs in the dark while fantasizing that your face is my pillow.
Judy Tenuta, Judyisms

Of course it’s a female cheese! You want me to dance with a male cheese? That would be weird!
Gonzo, The Muppet Show

I watched a whole entire human being come out of there, and I realized that I would never again be the largest thing she had ever had. Very unsettling for the male ego. I mean, how could I say something romantic like “Here it comes baby, I’m gonna split you in half!” when I know for a fact how happy she would have been if the baby’s head had only been three times the size of my dick?
Chris Bridges

|If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Dave Barry

People say to me “You’re not very feminine.” Well, they can suck my dick.
Roseanne

Never go to bed angry, or on fire.
John Astin, The Addams Family

It may surprise you that I wasn’t very good with girls. Too smart. When I would play doctor, and “examine” a girl, I would often find an aneurysm. One time, in the midst of a particularly erotic physical exam, I discovered advanced hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
George Carlin, Braindroppings

We had the “protection” talk. We had the “cheating” talk. Always wear a rubber when you cheat!
Stacy Keach, Titus

Homer: “And someday, when Bart and Lisa get married, this’ll all be theirs.”
Marge: “You mean, when Bart and Lisa marry other people.”
Homer: “Whatever. I’m not paying for two weddings.”
Homer and Marge Simpson, The Simpsons

Are you kidding, I’m not gay. Look at me, I’m not in that kinda shape.
Drew Carey, The Drew Carey Show

I have some tricks.
I will show them to you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do.
Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat

Love is like a snowmobile flying over the frozen tundra that suddenly flips, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasles come.
Matt Groening, Life is Hell

I’ll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now — you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I’ll know you.
Groucho Marx, The Cocoanuts

I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.
Carrie Snow

I’m not kinky, but occasionally I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine.
Gary Shandling

I like making love myself and I can make love for about three minutes. Three minutes of serious fucking and I need about eight hours sleep and a bowl of Wheaties.
Richard Pryor

And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state which recognized their marriage as legal.
Jane Lane, Daria

I haven’t seen that much twine since that night in Tokyo in ‘68.
Sam, Sam and Max Hit the Road

I don’t know about this. I’ve never been seduced by Predeterminism Theory before.
Chloe Annett, Red Dwarf

I was an atheist right up until my first blowjob.
Chris Bridges