If you have children in your house, whether your own, a relative’s, a neighbor’s, or as the result of a zany misunderstanding, there is one thing you know for certain.

They will find your smut.

It’s almost magical. No matter how well it’s hidden or disguised, no matter how well locked away or secure, kids possess the supernatural ability to locate, exhume, and display your stash of movies, books and toys within seconds, often at the most embarrassing times, such as during your in-home ministry services.

I discovered this myself, many years ago, when we failed to anticipate that my toddling son would consider anything that contained batteries to be his. We’d be downstairs in the kitchen and he would come stumbling down the stairs, holding a madly vibrating wand high and laughing about the “buzzy thing.” There followed a period of involuntary hide-and-go-seek as we sought to find better hiding places faster than he could gleefully discover them.

I’m not going to use this space to comment on the development of sexuality or society’s attitudes towards children and sex. There are many studies already for this, and you are encouraged to go with whichever one meets both your personal beliefs and the beliefs of your local law enforcement community. We went with our gut feelings and general “ick” factor and decided that while we didn’t want our children to think that sex was nasty or shameful, neither did we want our underage children to know any more about cock rings or “Sex Trek: The Next Penetration” than was strictly necessary.

Over the years of raising two bright and annoying inquisitive sons we developed methods of dealing with this issue, and some simple rules.

TOYS SHAPED LIKE BODY PARTS ARE HARDER TO EXPLAIN

Traditional vibrators and smooth butt plugs don’t look inherently sexual. Neither do the newer silicone, acrylic, and glass jobbies that resemble pieces of coffee table art more than any merely human phallus. And, more to the point, if you stick with those you don’t have to worry about questions like “Mommy, why do you have a great big rubber pee-pee on your nightstand?” coming out in the middle of family reunions.

Rubber vaginas and other novelties are a bit tougher to explain away on short notice. In fact, anything marketed with “lifelike hair” is going to be tricky to justify to the average preschooler. Unless you’re a medical doctor and might conceivably have a reason to have bodily replicas, you may wish to avoid such things altogether or invest in a safe-deposit box.

We found that a classic vibrator, stored in the same area on the headboard as our back massager, wooden roller massager, heat pads, carpal tunnel wrist support braces, and other obvious “old folks” stuff was perfectly camouflaged and still easily accessible. Lotions went next to the baby powder and the Tiger Balm. And our children have never questioned our keen interest in oblong sculpture.

DISGUISE THE PACKAGING

Store your blow-up doll in a box marked “Tax Returns 1985-92.” Hang your interesting leather garments on coat hangers underneath topcoats. Remove and throw away the box covers for all of your DVDs and videos and add your own labels, such as “Trip to Boring Gulch, New Mexico” and “The Wonderful World of Dental Hygiene.” If you make your own videos, make sure each tape starts with ten minutes of the movie “Educating Father” (1936, Jed Prouty, Shirley Deane) to discourage youthful viewing. Polaroids should be tucked inside “The Principles of Accounting, 4th Edition.”

Try and look at your room through the eyes of your child and avoid any hiding places that look interesting all by themselves. It’s no good to tuck your copies of “Hustler” inside the folds of a huge old blanket when that might turn out to be the perfect thing for a play tent.

Hiding your smut simply isn’t enough. No matter how carefully you’ve stashed it they’ll find it anyway, if they think there’s something to find. Just like with muggers and auditors, you want to make it seem as if there’s no reason to search too far or too deeply.

REPURPOSE, REPURPOSE, REPURPOSE

Even ordinary things can seem unusual in the wrong location, like when the neighbor children are playing hide and seek with your kid and want to know why there’s so much rope under your bed (hint: put a copy of the Boy Scout Handbook next to the coils).

Hide your feather teaser by putting it in a cabinet next to some Lemon Pledge. Whips become decorative wall hangings or part of a woven plant hanger. Nipple clamps go in the desk drawer, next to the paper clips. Cock rings go with the hair ties and scrunchies (unless you have a daughter who might borrow them, in which case put them in the toolbox next to the plumbing gaskets).

Even then, it’s much safer to use items that already belong in the bedroom for your play. Scarves are just as good as rope while being more decorative, softer to the skin, and much easier to explain. If you assemble your domination gear out of everyday clothing you may lose some of the psychological edge, but you also avoid the inevitable sight of your 8-year-old daughter coming to the dinner table wearing your leather hood and asking how to get the zipper mouth open.

An amazing variety of common household items can be used for insertion, as every emergency room intern knows. Old-fashioned alarm clocks (with the bell removed) make vigorous vibrators.

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT

Worst of all is the moment when your child first walks in at the wrong time. The “wrong time” might be defined as “the first time they see their parent acting like a crazed weasel in heat.” This is invariably frightening and traumatic, sometimes for the children as well. Here your best saving grace is fast thinking and good acting skills. Consider the following responses to be used as soon as the child is noticed:

“Eight, Nine, Ten! I won!”

“How’s it feel now, hon? Back all better now? Oh, hi…”

“Oh thank god! Quick, go get the snake bite kit while Mommy finishes saving my life!”

A calm head and some quick blanket work can do wonders.

How have you managed to hide your passions from your offspring? Let me know, because I’m running out of ideas…