Happy New Year! At a time like this, on the brink of an exciting year that promises new developments in science, world peace, and medicine, our thoughts are naturally drawn to one overriding question: how am I going to get laid this year?

And well you should ask. This all-important question is vital for singles and couples alike, for commitment and love and undying affection is still no guarantee of nookie. What’s needed here is a guide to help you along, and nothing fits a New Year’s celebration like a well-meaning list.

So here are twelve months worth of suggestions to liven up your sex life, whatever it may be. Use them wisely and well, and be sure to come back in 2005 and tell us about it.

JANUARY
The new year, the rebirth of the calendar, the beginning of a world-wide do-over. The New Year is personified by a babe in diapers, and that’s where we’ll start.

If you’re a couple, try infantilism. Dress one of you up in diapers and let the other handle all the feeding, cleaning, and whatever else comes to mind. Don’t neglect the natural sucking instinct. If the baby thing gets a bit much to deal with (and I admit baby powder can get expensive), just play babysitter.
If you’re single, try greeting women in bars with “Will you be my mommy?” Sit on men’s laps and suck on your thumb. Or just masturbate with a (warmed) bottle or a handful of Pampers.

FEBRUARY
February brings us Valentine’s Day, a day of love and desire and, mostly, candy.

If you’re a couple, you need drippy chocolate. Chocolate body paints, melted chocolate, chocolate syrup, chocolate sprinkles, anything to help you get sweet on your lover. It takes at least a case of chocolate syrup (24 oz cans) to get any decent quantity in a bathtub, by the way.
If you’re single, use Hershey’s Kisses as bait around attractive people of the desired sex. Tie fishing line to them (the kisses, not the people)(at this stage, anyway) and play your catch towards your hiding place. Or leave a trail of them leading towards where you wait with a bag of kisses and a free drink. Or just go buy the biggest box of quality chocolate you can afford and binge all month. Remember, there’s an extra day this year!

MARCH
‘Tis the month of the Irish, it is, and ye’ll be needing to honor that even if you were unfortunate enough to be born somewhere else.

If you’re a couple, get out and party! Wear green and drink up and enjoy each other until you get thrown out. If you’re a couple of the same sex persuasion, I’m sure there’s a parade around there somewhere you can crash.
If you’re single, there are tons of parties and get-togethers and brouhahas where nubile young singles are waiting for someone just like you, or at least someone just like what you look like after twelve beers. If not, McDonalds will have Shamrock Shakes again, so there’s still something to look forward to.

APRIL
The Easter Bunny returns, with candy and fun for all! Oh, and there’s that religious thing.

If you’re a couple, take turns hiding candy somewhere on your person and let your lover go hunting. Make absolutely sure you count the candy before and after, there’s nothing like coming up short four M&Ms to put a bit of panic in your play.
If you’re single, commemorate April showers by picking up a multi-speed water massager and celebrate Palm Sunday until you go blind.

MAY
This month you have your choice. Mother’s Day is on the 9th, and Memorial Day is on the 31st.

If you’re a couple, celebrate motherhood by nursing at every opportunity, especially in public. It’s legal, you just have to put a towel over your head.
If you’re single, try conquering a neighboring person. Plan your strategy, using maps and reconnaissance if advisable, and swoop in to claim your prize. Be warned that they may try to defend themselves and the U.N. will disavow your actions. If it doesn’t work, remember that May is also National Masturbation Month, and you are not alone.

JUNE
This time it’s dad’s turn as Father’s Day rears its paternal head.

If you’re a couple, it might be a good time to see just how disciplinary Daddy can be. I see spankings ahead, unless you’re really, really good…
If you’re single, commemorate Father’s Day by having paternity papers served on that special someone.

JULY
America (the U.S. part) is honoring its Independence Day. Shouldn’t you?

If you’re a couple, celebrate your independence by masturbating in front of your lover. Avoid using sparklers, no matter how cool it would look.
If you’re single, keep in mind that a lot of other single people will be out drinking and watching the fireworks and drinking.

AUGUST
August 6 is Asia Carrera’s birthday, and that’s enough of a reason for me to declare August Porn Month.

If you’re a couple, go shopping. Buy up every video or DVD that looks remotely interesting and lock yourself away in your bedroom for awhile. Or crank out the video camera and make your own!
If you’re single, you’re way ahead of the curve, here. Consider picking up some porn that doesn’t match your usual tastes. Who knows? You might discover a new kink! Or at least give the old tapes a break before they melt.

SEPTEMBER
This month the major holidays are Jewish. Rosh Hashanah (on the 16th), the Jewish New Year, is a time to look back on the mistakes and events of the past and plan for the future. Yom Kippur ( on the 25th) is the Day of Atonement when nothing may be done during a day devoted to reflection and prayer. So naturally you’ll want to get laid.

If you’re a couple, this is a good time to reflect on your sex lives, and to share the good bits with each other. Also, remember that “Rosh Hashanah” can be translated as “head of the year,” and act accordingly.
If you’re single, refuse to allow yourself release all day, no matter what happens, no matter how frenzied your self-groping. Plenty of time to orgasm in another 18 hours.

OCTOBER
Halloween! The best time of the year for adventurous lovers, since costumes and accessories are everywhere!

If you’re a couple, stock up on costumes and masks and makeup to fuel your fantasies for the rest of the year. Get your cowboy gear, your dominatrix outfit, your naughty wizard costume, and get your treat tricking, or something.
If you’re single, there are no better ways to get lucky than at a costume party where you can go hours without showing anyone what you look like. If you’re tricky enough, with some advance scouting you can dress up in the same costume as someone attractive and benefit from the confusion.

NOVEMBER
November is a time of thankfulness, a time fir family, a time for eating yourself sick. The possibilities in bed should be obvious.

If you’re a couple, give thanks to each other for all the good things. Then eat each other, and do a lot of stuffing.
If you’re single, give thanks that you’re not stuck with some psychotic serial killer boyfriend or girlfriend. Then go cruise the buffet restaurants.

DECEMBER
Whatever your faith, this is a time of giving and good cheer, especially if you’re in the upper tax brackets.

If you’re a couple, avoid the rampant consumerism and make each other homemade sex toys. Wouldn’t she be more impressed with a dildo you carved yourself? You know, you really can’t sand those enough.
If you’re single, try setting out a box at the office or at local hangouts labeled “Tits for Tots,” with a slot to put phone numbers to help the truly needy. Encourage your friends and coworkers to give generously.

Happy New Year! Go get busy!