Playboy’s 50th anniversary issue will hit the stands on December 2nd, and I want to get my prediction out for the 50th Anniversary Playmate before any hints get released. I’ve been studying “The Great 50th Anniversary Playmate Hunt” pictorial in the December issue for weeks now, stopping only occasionally for food and more lotion, and I think I got her.

I?m choosing Jennifer Pankratz, the cheerleading class president, page 90, left. I have no advance knowledge or insider information for this, it’s just my guess and I could easily be wrong. There are many extraordinarily beautiful women there to choose from, and while one or two of them might get kicked out of bed I predict there’d be a hell of a scramble on the floor.

But I feel she most completely represents the Playboy ideal in several respects: she’s gorgeous, she’s blonde, she possesses that magical “wholesome yet sexy” look that Playboy has become justifiably famous for, and like the other girls she’s been Photoshopped until her own mother couldn’t pick her out of a lineup.

What the hell happened, guys? Since its beginning Playboy has been known for its beautiful women so that’s nothing new, but you’ve always leaned towards the “girl next door” look, the girl you know but never dreamed you’d see naked, the nice girl. No sluts, tramps, skanks, or hot wet bitches for these hallowed pages. And by sticking to that goal, and by supplementing it with excellent articles, penetrating interviews and awe-inspiring fiction, you’ve held their position as the leader in men’s magazines.

And you’re boring me to tears.

 

I grew up on Playboy. Literally, I swiped my Dad’s as soon as I was old enough to walk and turn pages. Playboy had lots of stuff to keep me occupied, and best of all, Playmates always smiled. Sure, they might moan a bit or whip a little sultry look on you now and then, but for the most part they were smiling and obviously happy to be there.

Playboy got celebrities naked, which as more than I could do on my own.

Playboy kept me up to date on just which new trends in electronics and fashion I couldn’t afford from month to month.

Playboy interviewed everybody and got famous people to talk about stuff that the same people would sue other magazines for printing.

Playboy had articles and investigative reporting and travelogues and a common sense Advisor and they still have all those things. But I have to admit, right here in the open, that the nude pics are getting boring for me. They’re all the same! Every woman in Playboy, every woman, has a perfect tan, clear skin, fluorescent white teeth, perfect nails, and the same exact racing strip pubic hair. It’s like masturbating to a Barbie.

I don’t think I’ve opened the centerfold in over a year. There’s no point. I’ve seen it.

Playboy hasn’t always been like this and I blame it on two things: the Internet and Viagra.

The Internet Porn Explosion caught everyone in the adult industry off guard. Suddenly seeing real live girls bareass was easy, almost unavoidable. How do you compete when nudity is all around you?

If you’re Hustler, you get even wilder, more explicit, more shocking online. If you’re Penthouse, you go bankrupt. And if you’re Playboy, you make your models more incredible, more glorious than any mere webcam girl could ever be. Thanks to a combination of the world’s best photographers and some skilled computer artists, they’ve done that. Playmates are now so unblemished and unattainable that, for me anyway, they’ve become sexless.

But I think Viagra was what dealt the chilling stroke to Playboy. I don’t have the energy to go retrieve my back issues from where my teenage son has hidden them, but I’ll bet that Hef’s Viagra usage can be charted by reading the first few pages of every Playboy for the last five years. Doesn’t it seem obvious to you that he started getting laid again and suddenly we got ridiculously perfect centerfolds, along with page after page of his partying? I think it’s clear that Hef’s back in control and I’m glad for him, but I’d appreciate it if he didn’t use our magazine for his mid-life crisis.

So happy birthday Hef, thanks for all you’ve done for us and sexuality in general, and please, go get your horde of girlfriends and a bucket of little blue pills and disappear for awhile. Let Christie run things again. I respect you as I respect few people, but it’s getting embarrassing. Let us have our girl next door again, and leave Photoshop turned off. Stop bragging about your parties and famous friends every single issue. And when you do the annual “Sex in Cinema,” try not to have every other movie mentioned be a Playboy TV original. It looks really cheesy and self-serving. Just a thought.

Oh, and get some new jokes. It’s really annoying for us long-time readers when we recognize the same jokes we remember from just eight or nine years ago.

You’ve seen the offers in your e-mail! You’ve gotten the piles of junk mail at your front door! You’ve seen the amazing offers televised as late night “local programming”! But now, for a limited time only, thanks to this website, you can get all these insider secrets for absolutely free! Jealously-guarded tips from the world’s greatest lovers, previously available only through mail-order books and court transcripts, are yours for the taking! You’ll never need to read your spam again. Or any of your e-mail, just delete it all, because we’ve covered everything!

How to Get Any Woman You Want

It’s just so easy! All you have to do is to work out, plan your finances carefully, and take sensitivity courses until you become a nice, hot-looking rich guy. What could be easier? Other suggestions:
– Carry Godiva chocolates with you at all times.
– Pay them.
– Tell them that by dating you they can drive their mother crazy.
– Keep a “lover’s kit” in your car: romantic card, sensual (but not tacky) lingerie, silk flowers, burlap sack, ether.
– Get a fatal but non-catching disease, and contact the Make-A-Wish foundation.
You’ll be rolling in women in no time!

 

Add Inches to Your Penis

Bigger is better! Every undersized guy knows, deep in his heart, that it’s the size of his prize that makes the difference (as opposed to skill, affection, technique, or anything else that can only be improved through something really desperate, like effort).
But how can you strengthen and lengthen your rod? Do you need costly creams, dangerous mechanical devices, costly and dangerous surgery?
Of course you do! You’re trying to change part of your body, you dolt. It’s not like you can just eat more. But here’s some easy ways anyway.
– Trim back your pubic hair to “add” inches. You can also get tummy tucks and even have your pelvic area surgically removed to aid in the illusion.
– Have shadows and light areas tattooed on your joint to force perspective.
– Buy specially-made furniture that’s ? scale.
– Date midgets.
– Hang around a near-sighted girl and constantly emphasize how much more attractive she is without glasses or contacts or that dangerous LASIK stuff.
You’re a stud, baby, you’re a monster stud!

Increase Your Breast Size, Naturally

Guys and lesbians love big tits. Everyone does, it’s an earth mother thing or something. You need great big round boobies or you’re not really a woman. But how can you get fuller, firmer breasticles without risky injections or padded bras that might kill you? We can help!
– Use handfuls of Silly Putty to sculpt new knockers on top of your old ones.
– Buy bras two cup sizes too small. Not only will this make your existing ta-tas look larger, but if you get a really tight bra you can push two small breasts together and make one big one.
– Leave milk out every night for the Breast Fairy.
– Find someone willing to suck on them for at least an hour every night, for conditioning.
– Use extra makeup or a fabric marker to add cleavage.
And if you order our all-natural, herbal breast-enlargement system now, you’ll get the second breast half off!

How to Make Love All Night Long

Put the excitement back into your marriage, or somebody’s marriage, without any embarrassing life changes or personal reevaluations! Take each other to the heights of ecstasy, again and again, until the rosy hazy of dawn with these easy-to-follow tips.
– First things first, move to a northern climate and plan for the summer equinox. No sense making it any tougher than you have to.
– Pick an ugly partner. You can burn away hours just trying to get aroused or erect.
– Viagra, Viagra, Viagra. Use it as a suppository if you have to.
– If you’re having problems with premature eruptions, stretch out sexual encounters by constantly getting up to check your e-mail. You can also arrange to have a friend call you at random intervals all night.
– Use a bonding agent in your lubrication to ensure that wild, mind-blowing sex keeps on going, even if you’re asleep!
If you can’t last all night you’re just old, worthless, weak, uncool, and probably impotent or frigid or both. But does that mean you need to use dangerous stimulants and untested aphrodisiacs? Send now for our free catalog!

Your successful sex life is now assured, and it didn’t cost you a dime. Congratulations!

Should you feel inclined to share your newfound wealth and confidence with others, I’d appreciate it if you contacted me. I’m an expatriated Nigerian businessman with millions of dollars that I need to get moved into this country, and if you give me your bank account number…

Next week: Five ways your underwear drippings can make you rich!

Last night I woke up from a long and detailed dream about Asia Carrera. We were shopping.

Honest. I don’t remember exactly why she was shooting a nighttime scene in the woods near where I live but I happened to drive by, recognize her, and convince her I wasn’t a freak (or at least that I wasn’t a strange freak). The fact that anyone shooting a porn movie anywhere near where I live is about as likely as the Winter Olympics picking the local 7-11 as their 2008 location was besides the point, obviously. After she threatened to call the police I managed to remind her that we’d met before – “Oh, you’re that guy!” – and we talked. Turned out she was staying in the area another day and was somewhat disappointed in the accommodations. I, of course, offered my house.

In your average porn-star-related dream this would be when the thumpa-thumpa music started and we got horizontal, then vertical, then horizontal again. Instead my dream-self took her home and let her get a long hot shower while my wife and I ran around the house frantically cleaning up.

As I recall, and it was amazing how clear this dream was, we spent the rest of the day talking, web-surfing, and hitting the local malls. There was a great deal of nudity since she was topless whenever we were in the house – probably since those are the personal pics of her from her site that I like the most – but aside from my own quiet enjoyment it wasn’t particularly sexual.

This isn’t unusual for me. I’ve never really wanted to meet porn stars when they were porn starring, if you follow me. No reflections on those who do, of course, I realize I’m in the odd minority. I’m one of the ones who prefer the at-home pics to the glamour shots, the naked-playing-with-kittens poses to the naked-and-bent-over-a-BMW shots. The reason I like Asia so much is not because she can deep-throat a zucchini but because she personally is so cool.

It’s not just Asia, either. If I met Tera Patrick I’d want to see what she looked like in jeans and a t-shirt, without the mask of makeup. I’d love to meet Nina Hartley and talk about sexual awareness and her activism, or hang around with Jonathan Morgan and shoot hoops. While I enjoy watching them have sex, the idea of projecting myself into that scene just doesn’t work for me because I can’t make my stubbornly reasonable mind accept it.

Part of this is realism; if Serena Williams popped by the house for an afternoon I wouldn’t try playing a set against her, either, for many of the same reasons. I’d fare poorly, would sweat a lot, and would not be the one anyone would want to watch on the video afterwards. Part of it is that I’m more interested in whatever aspect of the porn star’s personality that caused me to notice them above and beyond the rest in the first place. They can all fuck magnificently, which but which ones can make me laugh when they’re not fucking?

Part of it is politeness towards a fellow professional. I don’t like talking about web page design or personal writing habits when I’m trying to relax. When I meet a doctor I try not to ask them about my sinus condition. When I pass the time with a mechanic I do my best to forget I even have a car. I figure they’ve gotta be tired of talking about the same thing day in and day out, and we’ll have more fun if I resist the impulse and talk about something else.

A big part, admittedly, is my own brain, which is constitutionally unable to envision me having sex with just anybody. The situation has to make sense. Even in high school, when I would fantasize about the lovelies in my class I’d spend as much or more time mentally working out the justification for our hot monkey love, which often involved late-night emergency rides, narrowly-thwarted muggings, or foiled kidnapping attempts. My mind had to believe that it was possible, or nothing would happen. Consequently by the time I had figured out how to get my mental lady ready and willing, I’d fall asleep from all the planning. Celebrities fantasies were even worse because I had to work out why they were in my town in the first place, without friends or their entourage, and then it just got silly.

What does this mean for the porn industry? Not a damn thing. People like me aren’t a large demographic, unfortunately, else there’s be more at-home videos and porn blooper DVDs. I just thought I’d share.

‘Cause it was a really weird dream.

There are many things to know before you can be considered a man, my son, and not all of them are as obvious as “put the lid down” and “don’t murder strangers.” Life is ready to start passing you dripping handfuls of fate, and sex isn’t nearly as easy as Paris Hilton’s video makes it appear. Mark my words well, and read on…

Kiss her. A lot.

Not while she’s eating hot soup, though.

You can never go wrong by helping her with chores, unless you fuck it up, in which case you might as well just stay on the couch and supervise.

Breasts are like rabbits. They’re soft and love to be touched, but they’ll run away if you just grab at them. Also, they spread disease.

Nothing impresses your lady more than when you brag about her to your friends. It’s probably not a good idea to call them and brag while you’re actually having sex, though.

Never masturbate over anything that isn’t machine washable.

Chicks dig gifts. Check around and see if your previous dates left any jewelry or underwear you can wrap.

The first date is when she finds out all about you. This should happen slowly, over the course of a dinner or an evening of dancing, so you should plan on wearing pants, at least initially.

Bedtime nicknames should be playful and sexy. Avoid nicknames like “Whore,” “Sergeant, yes Sergeant,” “Tunnelcunt,” and “Slant-eyed bitch.”

Treat clitorises with respect and care, especially at first. Stroke her like you’re trying to rub a smudge off of a mint copy of “The Incredible Hulk” #181 (1st appearance of Wolverine) with your finger without damaging its CGC rating and resale value. Don’t use your fingernail.

Avoid praising the bodies of your lover’s friends, especially if you’re boning her at the time.

Don’t worry if you can’t get it up. It happens to every guy eventually, and it’s natural. Fag.

If you spurt over the face of more than one woman, go left to right and pace yourself so the last one doesn’t get left out. Don’t aim for nostrils, it’s rude and they’re a bugger to hit, anyway.

If you place your ear right up against her vulva, you can hear the ocean.

If you place her ear right against her vulva, you can hear a cracking noise.

Many women have uncomfortable relationships with their sisters. These can be due to jealousy, or distance, or traumatic events that are still painful to consider. Take the first step in helping her mend her familial bonds by opening your bed to her sister.

This works with estranged mothers, too, if they’re hot.

Never use such tired, trite sayings during sex as “Who’s your daddy?” and “Take it all.” Women prefer hearing more personal sentiments, like “Welcome to Cocksville! Population: You.”

If you break up with her and she takes it hard, date only men for a few months so she won’t think less of herself as a woman.

Nipples can be very sensitive. Never do anything to them that you couldn’t do to a cellphone.

Women hate it when you stop lovemaking to watch a passing play, no matter how beautifully the quarterback threw the ball, so it’s perfectly all right and even considerate to use family funds to buy TiVo.

Never stick anything up her that you don’t know for a fact you can retrieve, especially if it’s your car keys and you don’t have copies.

If porn has taught us anything it’s that all women love giving head for hours. Tell her if she doesn’t it’s because she’s a lez.

Thanks to the constant stream of beauty-conscious attitude that bathes our media, most women, no matter how beautiful, are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Respect her self-esteem by hiding the video camera where she won’t notice it.

Going down on a woman is fun, but it can take days to finish and puts a major crick in your neck. But if you sneak an electric toothbrush down there with you, you can be out of there in five minutes.

Pubic hair can be a sore spot with some women, and you may not be able to find the right way to bring up the subject of thickets and the benefits of landscaping. Just wait until she’s asleep and trim her up any way you want.

When going at it doggie-style, never face towards the TV. It’s rude, disrespectful, and insulting. Instead, just point her towards a mirror that’s facing the TV.

With the right attitude and a bit of hard work, you can see any woman in the world naked. First, take off your clothes…

Use the right amount for the right job. Just because two benwa balls feel great doesn’t mean that twenty will feel better.

Asking for her hand in marriage on the big JumboTron at the stadium is romantic and cool, but asking for a blowjob the same way isn’t. Trust me.

Self-circumcision isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.

When she asks you to eat her out, she’d rather you not use a fork.

Too many teenagers have humiliated their families in accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation deaths that cause shame and disgrace over their sick, perverted son. Show some consideration for your family by leaving some evidence pointing to a homeless guy or the local religious leader lying around before you put the rope around your neck, just in case.

Chlamydia really isn’t a Middle Eastern country, no matter what your Uncle Tim told you.

When she said she likes ice on her nipples, she probably didn’t mean dry ice.

Asking your girlfriend to lay naked on your table and spread her legs is probably not the best centerpiece for your family Thanksgiving gathering, even if you’re really thankful for it.

Inflatable women don’t have the same status in expensive restaurants as they used to.

People who are drunk have described themselves as being “being stiff as a board,” but I think you’ll find that just the opposite happens.

If you’re going to suck yourself off, make the “spit or swallow” decision before you begin to avoid last-minute embarrassment and feelings of rejection.

People who have cats and dogs should never, ever search for “animal-lover” on Kazaa.

Porn isn’t the glamorous world it appears. Just ask Vivid’s janitor.

When following instructions in sex manuals, it is vitally and medically important to make sure you don’t skip any pages.

When the therapist says she wants to hear about your most secret fantasies, she doesn’t really. She just starts screaming and clawing at the windows. It happens every damn time.

The right to free speech doesn’t really excuse what you said to that woman in the elevator yesterday, and why she was perfectly within her rights to do what she did to your Palm Pilot.

Oral sex and chili peppers were never meant to meet.

You’d be amazed at the uses you can find for your childhood kazoo skills.

Sometimes reality gets in the way of your fantasy, like when the police come around the house looking for all those UPS guys.

Sure, washable body paints may not be quite as permanent as oil-based exterior house paint, but you’ll thank me in the morning.

Thanks to new developments in microwave technology and neurolinguistic therapy, you can have a romantic weekend filled with love and commitment in only an hour and a half. It’s scientific!

A classy gentleman is careful to select the proper wine to accompany oral sex. Hint: red meat requires red wine, delicate fishy tastes delight in white.

Rug burn is a painful, lingering abrasion that is easy to avoid. Fuck on tile.

Good: Spreading cocoa butter on your lover. Bad: Spraying your lover with “Pam.”

Blowing lightly in your lover’s ear is incredibly sensual, but trying to speed things up by blowing in there really, really hard has some surprising results.

The most effective birth control technique is the mid-coital belch. Guaranteed. A couple of those and you’ll never have to worry about pregnancy ever again.

After sex, don’t leave money on her dresser, even as a joke. Such low humor cheapens her. It’s much easier to set up a direct deposit account.

A DVD player and a large enough collection of DVDs can provide a surprisingly satisfying social life. Really. I mean, it has to.

“How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”
“We Review the 100 Best All-Natural, Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes””
“Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a Failure?”
“How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate Tastes Right?”

Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including “The Christian Science Monitor” and “Highlights”. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well-versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

Well, Hoot Island does have its standards, and we expect our readers to make the grade. Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

1. To me, Sex is…
1. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship
2. something to be shared with that redhead over there
3. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship
4. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
5. more necessary than air

 

2. My favorite sex toy is powered by:
1. “C” batteries
2. a car battery
3. a turbine engine
4. an intricate network of gears, pulleys, waterworks and pack animals
5. a small, self-contained nuclear power plant

 

3. The last place I had sex was:
1. in bed, with the lights off
2. on the dining room table, with the lights on
3. on the dining room table at the Embassy Hilton, with the lights on
4. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a mountain pass at midnight, with the lights off
5. inside a coffin, during a cremation

 

4. I judge a man’s sexuality by his:
1. length
2. length and width
3. imagination
4. length, width, and imagination, and credit rating, and golf handicap
5. network of scar patterns

 

5.       What are the only utterly necessary steps of any sexual encounter?

a.       male orgasm

b.       intercourse, male orgasm

c.       foreplay, intercourse, male and female orgasm

d.       foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms (repeat)

e.       Stamping ground, flapping arms while displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly, flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in still-warm corpse

 

6.       I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by her:

a.       hooters

b.       sensual, confident attitude

c.       willingness to have sex with me

d.       hooters and willingness to have sex with me

e.       willingness to have sex with me and any three of my buds

 

7.       How many of your lover’s erogenous zones have you successfully located?

a.       12

b.       35

c.       all of them

d.       only the ones on my lover’s actual body

e.       all of them, and I created three more

 

8.       Judging from your own experience, what is the average length of a man’s penis?

a.       9”

b.       10”

c.       11”

d.       a and c

e.       13” or more

 

9.       How do you keep track of your lovers afterwards?

a.       my diary

b.       reading The National Enquirer

c.       collecting CDs of every band I’ve had

d.       a dedicated computer database, online so it can be updated from anywhere, instantly

e.       my staff handles that sort of thing

 

10.   I learned about sex from:

a.       my parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer

b.       my schoolmates

c.       porn videos

d.       porn videos starring my parents

e.       directing porn videos starring my parents and my schoolmates

 

11.   My first time was:

a.       gentle and loving, with someone I cared about

b.       wild and animalistic, with someone handy

c.       a carefully crafted media event to help debut my new perfume

d.       as number #257and #263 in the “World’s Largest Gang-Bang 2”

e.       recorded by three separate amateur astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting

 

12.   Safe sex means:

a.       condoms, foam, those little rubber things the girl sticks in

b.       getting a complete blood test and medical history back to the crib

c.       wearing your seatbelt during

d.       making sure the knots are within reach

e.       knee pads, support cables, two burly spotters, and making sure the safety is on

 

13.   What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever experienced?

a.       an honest 3 minutes, by God!

b.       halftime

c.       the duration of the cab drive from Camden to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and preventatives

d.       the duration of the plane trip from New York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the movie

e.       it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has been peaking steadily since

 

14.   You discover that your new lover is married. What do you do?

a.       end it immediately, it’s not worth the heartache

b.       continue until discovery is imminent, then get the hell out

c.       stay in the relationship until you have drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the whole marriage down in flames

d.       leave immediately, preventing closure, then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic fashion every few years to keep things interesting

e.       immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things fair

 

15.   Oral sex is:

a.       okay, I guess

b.       better than anything on this earth, unless it’s football season

c.       the best way to shut someone up, ever

d.       the very best way to say “good morning!”

e.       the only proper study of a lifetime

 

16.   How far will you go on a first date?

a.       a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date has been agreeable

b.       a passionate kiss, if we really hit it off

c.       oral sex, either as a promise or as the best way to get them to leave

d.       an all-nighter, but only if it’s understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always say

e.       I might be willing to conceive a child, but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat

 

17.   Anal sex is:

a.       dirty and nasty and specifically prohibited by God

b.       okay, if you must insist, but only for a special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game, but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison your coffee

c.       something to be approached with care, with someone you love and trust implicitly

d.       something to be approached with bear grease

e.       what you do after everything else on your body is used up

 

18.   I think the first time you make love to a new person, you should:

a.       be very certain that this is what both of you want, and then go slowly and gently

b.       get good and drunk and go at it like crazed ferrets

c.       be respectful and get her aroused gradually, using just the one fist

d.       probably get their name, at some point

e.      probably discover their gender, at some point

 

19.   If someone ever took nude pictures of you, how would you respond?

a.       with affronted dignity

b.       with flattered “thank you”s

c.       with wild sex and some photography of my own

d.       with tips on lighting and composition

e.       with legal injunctions against sale or distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially cinematic productions or webcasts

 

20.   After sex, how long do you wait until you tell your best friend?

a.       until after the relationship is over

b.       until the next day, at lunch

c.       until I can reach the phone without offending

d.       until I can figure out which of the tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend

e.       I never tell, they can damn well buy the book like everybody else

 

Scoring

 

Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every “d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself below.

 

20 – 39 points: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid this website really isn’t for you. Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract, or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people do.

 

40 – 59 points: Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking, the guy that always gets sent for beer.

 

60 – 79 points: Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous, relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.

 

80 – 99 points: Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everything and go at it wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for it.

 

100 points: You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before you. Carefully. Or you’re a total slut, but that’s good too.