You’ve seen the offers in your e-mail! You’ve gotten the piles of junk mail at your front door! You’ve seen the amazing offers televised as late night “local programming”! But now, for a limited time only, thanks to this website, you can get all these insider secrets for absolutely free! Jealously-guarded tips from the world’s greatest lovers, previously available only through mail-order books and court transcripts, are yours for the taking! You’ll never need to read your spam again. Or any of your e-mail, just delete it all, because we’ve covered everything!

How to Get Any Woman You Want

It’s just so easy! All you have to do is to work out, plan your finances carefully, and take sensitivity courses until you become a nice, hot-looking rich guy. What could be easier? Other suggestions:
– Carry Godiva chocolates with you at all times.
– Pay them.
– Tell them that by dating you they can drive their mother crazy.
– Keep a “lover’s kit” in your car: romantic card, sensual (but not tacky) lingerie, silk flowers, burlap sack, ether.
– Get a fatal but non-catching disease, and contact the Make-A-Wish foundation.
You’ll be rolling in women in no time!

Add Inches to Your Penis

Bigger is better! Every undersized guy knows, deep in his heart, that it’s the size of his prize that makes the difference (as opposed to skill, affection, technique, or anything else that can only be improved through something really desperate, like effort).
But how can you strengthen and lengthen your rod? Do you need costly creams, dangerous mechanical devices, costly and dangerous surgery?
Of course you do! You’re trying to change part of your body, you dolt. It’s not like you can just eat more. But here’s some easy ways anyway.
– Trim back your pubic hair to “add” inches. You can also get tummy tucks and even have your pelvic area surgically removed to aid in the illusion.
– Have shadows and light areas tattooed on your joint to force perspective.
– Buy specially-made furniture that’s ? scale.
– Date midgets.
– Hang around a near-sighted girl and constantly emphasize how much more attractive she is without glasses or contacts or that dangerous LASIK stuff.
You’re a stud, baby, you’re a monster stud!

Increase Your Breast Size, Naturally

Guys and lesbians love big tits. Everyone does, it’s an earth mother thing or something. You need great big round boobies or you’re not really a woman. But how can you get fuller, firmer breasticles without risky injections or padded bras that might kill you? We can help!
– Use handfuls of Silly Putty to sculpt new knockers on top of your old ones.
– Buy bras two cup sizes too small. Not only will this make your existing ta-tas look larger, but if you get a really tight bra you can push two small breasts together and make one big one.
– Leave milk out every night for the Breast Fairy.
– Find someone willing to suck on them for at least an hour every night, for conditioning.
– Use extra makeup or a fabric marker to add cleavage.
And if you order our all-natural, herbal breast-enlargement system now, you’ll get the second breast half off!

How to Make Love All Night Long

Put the excitement back into your marriage, or somebody’s marriage, without any embarrassing life changes or personal reevaluations! Take each other to the heights of ecstasy, again and again, until the rosy hazy of dawn with these easy-to-follow tips.
– First things first, move to a northern climate and plan for the summer equinox. No sense making it any tougher than you have to.
– Pick an ugly partner. You can burn away hours just trying to get aroused or erect.
– Viagra, Viagra, Viagra. Use it as a suppository if you have to.
– If you’re having problems with premature eruptions, stretch out sexual encounters by constantly getting up to check your e-mail. You can also arrange to have a friend call you at random intervals all night.
– Use a bonding agent in your lubrication to ensure that wild, mind-blowing sex keeps on going, even if you’re asleep!
If you can’t last all night you’re just old, worthless, weak, uncool, and probably impotent or frigid or both. But does that mean you need to use dangerous stimulants and untested aphrodisiacs? Send now for our free catalog!

Your successful sex life is now assured, and it didn’t cost you a dime. Congratulations!

Should you feel inclined to share your newfound wealth and confidence with others, I’d appreciate it if you contacted me. I’m an expatriated Nigerian businessman with millions of dollars that I need to get moved into this country, and if you give me your bank account number…

Next week: Five ways your underwear drippings can make you rich!