There are many things to know before you can be considered a man, my son, and not all of them are as obvious as “put the lid down” and “don’t murder strangers.” Life is ready to start passing you dripping handfuls of fate, and sex isn’t nearly as easy as Paris Hilton’s video makes it appear. Mark my words well, and read on…

Kiss her. A lot.

Not while she’s eating hot soup, though.

You can never go wrong by helping her with chores, unless you fuck it up, in which case you might as well just stay on the couch and supervise.

Breasts are like rabbits. They’re soft and love to be touched, but they’ll run away if you just grab at them. Also, they spread disease.

Nothing impresses your lady more than when you brag about her to your friends. It’s probably not a good idea to call them and brag while you’re actually having sex, though.

Never masturbate over anything that isn’t machine washable.

Chicks dig gifts. Check around and see if your previous dates left any jewelry or underwear you can wrap.

The first date is when she finds out all about you. This should happen slowly, over the course of a dinner or an evening of dancing, so you should plan on wearing pants, at least initially.

Bedtime nicknames should be playful and sexy. Avoid nicknames like “Whore,” “Sergeant, yes Sergeant,” “Tunnelcunt,” and “Slant-eyed bitch.”

Treat clitorises with respect and care, especially at first. Stroke her like you’re trying to rub a smudge off of a mint copy of “The Incredible Hulk” #181 (1st appearance of Wolverine) with your finger without damaging its CGC rating and resale value. Don’t use your fingernail.

Avoid praising the bodies of your lover’s friends, especially if you’re boning her at the time.

Don’t worry if you can’t get it up. It happens to every guy eventually, and it’s natural. Fag.

If you spurt over the face of more than one woman, go left to right and pace yourself so the last one doesn’t get left out. Don’t aim for nostrils, it’s rude and they’re a bugger to hit, anyway.

If you place your ear right up against her vulva, you can hear the ocean.

If you place her ear right against her vulva, you can hear a cracking noise.

Many women have uncomfortable relationships with their sisters. These can be due to jealousy, or distance, or traumatic events that are still painful to consider. Take the first step in helping her mend her familial bonds by opening your bed to her sister.

This works with estranged mothers, too, if they’re hot.

Never use such tired, trite sayings during sex as “Who’s your daddy?” and “Take it all.” Women prefer hearing more personal sentiments, like “Welcome to Cocksville! Population: You.”

If you break up with her and she takes it hard, date only men for a few months so she won’t think less of herself as a woman.

Nipples can be very sensitive. Never do anything to them that you couldn’t do to a cellphone.

Women hate it when you stop lovemaking to watch a passing play, no matter how beautifully the quarterback threw the ball, so it’s perfectly all right and even considerate to use family funds to buy TiVo.

Never stick anything up her that you don’t know for a fact you can retrieve, especially if it’s your car keys and you don’t have copies.

If porn has taught us anything it’s that all women love giving head for hours. Tell her if she doesn’t it’s because she’s a lez.

Thanks to the constant stream of beauty-conscious attitude that bathes our media, most women, no matter how beautiful, are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Respect her self-esteem by hiding the video camera where she won’t notice it.

Going down on a woman is fun, but it can take days to finish and puts a major crick in your neck. But if you sneak an electric toothbrush down there with you, you can be out of there in five minutes.

Pubic hair can be a sore spot with some women, and you may not be able to find the right way to bring up the subject of thickets and the benefits of landscaping. Just wait until she’s asleep and trim her up any way you want.

When going at it doggie-style, never face towards the TV. It’s rude, disrespectful, and insulting. Instead, just point her towards a mirror that’s facing the TV.

With the right attitude and a bit of hard work, you can see any woman in the world naked. First, take off your clothes…

Use the right amount for the right job. Just because two benwa balls feel great doesn’t mean that twenty will feel better.

Asking for her hand in marriage on the big JumboTron at the stadium is romantic and cool, but asking for a blowjob the same way isn’t. Trust me.

Self-circumcision isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.

When she asks you to eat her out, she’d rather you not use a fork.

Too many teenagers have humiliated their families in accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation deaths that cause shame and disgrace over their sick, perverted son. Show some consideration for your family by leaving some evidence pointing to a homeless guy or the local religious leader lying around before you put the rope around your neck, just in case.

Chlamydia really isn’t a Middle Eastern country, no matter what your Uncle Tim told you.

When she said she likes ice on her nipples, she probably didn’t mean dry ice.

Asking your girlfriend to lay naked on your table and spread her legs is probably not the best centerpiece for your family Thanksgiving gathering, even if you’re really thankful for it.

Inflatable women don’t have the same status in expensive restaurants as they used to.

People who are drunk have described themselves as being “being stiff as a board,” but I think you’ll find that just the opposite happens.

If you’re going to suck yourself off, make the “spit or swallow” decision before you begin to avoid last-minute embarrassment and feelings of rejection.

People who have cats and dogs should never, ever search for “animal-lover” on Kazaa.

Porn isn’t the glamorous world it appears. Just ask Vivid’s janitor.

When following instructions in sex manuals, it is vitally and medically important to make sure you don’t skip any pages.

When the therapist says she wants to hear about your most secret fantasies, she doesn’t really. She just starts screaming and clawing at the windows. It happens every damn time.

The right to free speech doesn’t really excuse what you said to that woman in the elevator yesterday, and why she was perfectly within her rights to do what she did to your Palm Pilot.

Oral sex and chili peppers were never meant to meet.

You’d be amazed at the uses you can find for your childhood kazoo skills.

Sometimes reality gets in the way of your fantasy, like when the police come around the house looking for all those UPS guys.

Sure, washable body paints may not be quite as permanent as oil-based exterior house paint, but you’ll thank me in the morning.

Thanks to new developments in microwave technology and neurolinguistic therapy, you can have a romantic weekend filled with love and commitment in only an hour and a half. It’s scientific!

A classy gentleman is careful to select the proper wine to accompany oral sex. Hint: red meat requires red wine, delicate fishy tastes delight in white.

Rug burn is a painful, lingering abrasion that is easy to avoid. Fuck on tile.

Good: Spreading cocoa butter on your lover. Bad: Spraying your lover with “Pam.”

Blowing lightly in your lover’s ear is incredibly sensual, but trying to speed things up by blowing in there really, really hard has some surprising results.

The most effective birth control technique is the mid-coital belch. Guaranteed. A couple of those and you’ll never have to worry about pregnancy ever again.

After sex, don’t leave money on her dresser, even as a joke. Such low humor cheapens her. It’s much easier to set up a direct deposit account.

A DVD player and a large enough collection of DVDs can provide a surprisingly satisfying social life. Really. I mean, it has to.