“How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”
“We Review the 100 Best All-Natural, Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes””
“Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a Failure?”
“How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate Tastes Right?”

Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including “The Christian Science Monitor” and “Highlights”. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well-versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

Well, Hoot Island does have its standards, and we expect our readers to make the grade. Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

1. To me, Sex is…
1. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship
2. something to be shared with that redhead over there
3. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship
4. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
5. more necessary than air

 

2. My favorite sex toy is powered by:
1. “C” batteries
2. a car battery
3. a turbine engine
4. an intricate network of gears, pulleys, waterworks and pack animals
5. a small, self-contained nuclear power plant

 

3. The last place I had sex was:
1. in bed, with the lights off
2. on the dining room table, with the lights on
3. on the dining room table at the Embassy Hilton, with the lights on
4. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a mountain pass at midnight, with the lights off
5. inside a coffin, during a cremation

 

4. I judge a man’s sexuality by his:
1. length
2. length and width
3. imagination
4. length, width, and imagination, and credit rating, and golf handicap
5. network of scar patterns

 

5.       What are the only utterly necessary steps of any sexual encounter?

a.       male orgasm

b.       intercourse, male orgasm

c.       foreplay, intercourse, male and female orgasm

d.       foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms (repeat)

e.       Stamping ground, flapping arms while displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly, flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in still-warm corpse

 

6.       I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by her:

a.       hooters

b.       sensual, confident attitude

c.       willingness to have sex with me

d.       hooters and willingness to have sex with me

e.       willingness to have sex with me and any three of my buds

 

7.       How many of your lover’s erogenous zones have you successfully located?

a.       12

b.       35

c.       all of them

d.       only the ones on my lover’s actual body

e.       all of them, and I created three more

 

8.       Judging from your own experience, what is the average length of a man’s penis?

a.       9”

b.       10”

c.       11”

d.       a and c

e.       13” or more

 

9.       How do you keep track of your lovers afterwards?

a.       my diary

b.       reading The National Enquirer

c.       collecting CDs of every band I’ve had

d.       a dedicated computer database, online so it can be updated from anywhere, instantly

e.       my staff handles that sort of thing

 

10.   I learned about sex from:

a.       my parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer

b.       my schoolmates

c.       porn videos

d.       porn videos starring my parents

e.       directing porn videos starring my parents and my schoolmates

 

11.   My first time was:

a.       gentle and loving, with someone I cared about

b.       wild and animalistic, with someone handy

c.       a carefully crafted media event to help debut my new perfume

d.       as number #257and #263 in the “World’s Largest Gang-Bang 2”

e.       recorded by three separate amateur astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting

 

12.   Safe sex means:

a.       condoms, foam, those little rubber things the girl sticks in

b.       getting a complete blood test and medical history back to the crib

c.       wearing your seatbelt during

d.       making sure the knots are within reach

e.       knee pads, support cables, two burly spotters, and making sure the safety is on

 

13.   What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever experienced?

a.       an honest 3 minutes, by God!

b.       halftime

c.       the duration of the cab drive from Camden to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and preventatives

d.       the duration of the plane trip from New York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the movie

e.       it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has been peaking steadily since

 

14.   You discover that your new lover is married. What do you do?

a.       end it immediately, it’s not worth the heartache

b.       continue until discovery is imminent, then get the hell out

c.       stay in the relationship until you have drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the whole marriage down in flames

d.       leave immediately, preventing closure, then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic fashion every few years to keep things interesting

e.       immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things fair

 

15.   Oral sex is:

a.       okay, I guess

b.       better than anything on this earth, unless it’s football season

c.       the best way to shut someone up, ever

d.       the very best way to say “good morning!”

e.       the only proper study of a lifetime

 

16.   How far will you go on a first date?

a.       a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date has been agreeable

b.       a passionate kiss, if we really hit it off

c.       oral sex, either as a promise or as the best way to get them to leave

d.       an all-nighter, but only if it’s understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always say

e.       I might be willing to conceive a child, but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat

 

17.   Anal sex is:

a.       dirty and nasty and specifically prohibited by God

b.       okay, if you must insist, but only for a special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game, but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison your coffee

c.       something to be approached with care, with someone you love and trust implicitly

d.       something to be approached with bear grease

e.       what you do after everything else on your body is used up

 

18.   I think the first time you make love to a new person, you should:

a.       be very certain that this is what both of you want, and then go slowly and gently

b.       get good and drunk and go at it like crazed ferrets

c.       be respectful and get her aroused gradually, using just the one fist

d.       probably get their name, at some point

e.      probably discover their gender, at some point

 

19.   If someone ever took nude pictures of you, how would you respond?

a.       with affronted dignity

b.       with flattered “thank you”s

c.       with wild sex and some photography of my own

d.       with tips on lighting and composition

e.       with legal injunctions against sale or distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially cinematic productions or webcasts

 

20.   After sex, how long do you wait until you tell your best friend?

a.       until after the relationship is over

b.       until the next day, at lunch

c.       until I can reach the phone without offending

d.       until I can figure out which of the tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend

e.       I never tell, they can damn well buy the book like everybody else

 

Scoring

 

Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every “d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself below.

 

20 – 39 points: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid this website really isn’t for you. Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract, or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people do.

 

40 – 59 points: Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking, the guy that always gets sent for beer.

 

60 – 79 points: Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous, relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.

 

80 – 99 points: Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everything and go at it wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for it.

 

100 points: You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before you. Carefully. Or you’re a total slut, but that’s good too.