Whatever you may think about the values or intentions of our world leaders, the idiots, it seems certain that we are about to go to war. And that means, as any patriotic American knows, that we have to be fully prepared on the home front to protect ourselves from retaliatory attacks. We must protect our loved ones at all costs, as they are our most valuable possession. I’m speaking here, of course, of our pornography collections.
It can truly be said that the freedom of a country can be measured by its porn. A country and its people must hold dear the highest ideals of free expression and liberty before they’ll allow publication of such fine periodicals as Whoppin’ Jugs, and in every video, DVD, and stroke mag I see what our brave soldiers have fought and died for. Can we allow this to be lost? I think not.
In case of mutual or terrorist attacks, fragile things like the 1st Amendment and glossy paper are the first things to go. We have to work together to protect our precious porn from those despotic zealots who rule through intimidation and mistaken religious fundamentalism and who would gladly stomp all over our American values, such as Attorney General John Ashcroft. And, in the worst case scenario, you may be one of the few left alive to carry our proud tradition of nympho cheerleading sluts into the post-apocalyptic society. Below are some tested tips on porn-preservation.
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A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
Your first step is to create a place that can withstand the inevitable onslaught of chemical warfare, nuclear fallout, and attacks from ground troops. Fortunately, many of you are already accustomed to spending long periods of time in a single small room.
1. Grab some plastic sheeting and duct tape, both to protect yourself and to bolster our sagging economy. Mostly for the economy. Find the room in your house or apartment that offers the best protection, i.e. concrete walls, one or fewer windows, cable hookup, etc, and use the duct tape to hang the plastic sheeting over the window and doorway. Be sure to get it as tight as possible to guard against chemical weapons attack. If, after a few short hours, you begin to have difficulty breathing and focusing your eyes, you’ve made it tight enough.
2. Stock it with enough essentials to stay alive for a minimum of two weeks, which is the amount of time CNN has already alloted to war coverage. According to the U.S. Government pamphlette “Jacking for Victory” each adult in your shelter requires at least three different sources of pornography per day under normal circumstances. This means you’ll need 21 different sources of filth handy and accessible, per person, in the unlikely event you have company. For some of you this means a quick shopping trip, for many of you it means opening only one drawer. Oh, and you’ll need food and water, probably.
3. Follow the news. You’ll need to know when to close yourself off from human contact. I suggest keeping NakedNews.com on at all times to stay fully abreast of world affairs. When they start using graphics that include mushroom clouds and titles like “The Naked Soldier,” it’s time to start duct-taping.
MAGAZINES
While movies and websites have made a massive incursion into our porn-enjoying lives, nothing can ever really replace the sneaky, private feeling you get when you duck into the bathroom with a copy of Non-Picky Sluts stashed inside a copy of Entertainment Weekly. They store easily, are relatively inexpensive, and do not require electricity, a big plus when selecting your porn stash.
For basic protection, seal your porn into mylar bags, easily available at any comics shop. If intense heat or chemical attack is a concern (and when isn’t it?) consider rolling your magazines tightly and storing them inside empty PringlesTM cans. They stack well and, when duct-taped shut, offer maximum protection against the mightiest of attacks. You can even spray-paint the cans green and stencil “U.S. PORN” on the side, just to make them look all official and shit.
MOVIES
These present a bit more of a problem, as you’ll need a self-contained power source to enjoy them unless you’ve got really, really good eyes. Your VCR and DVD player will require a generator, enough gasoline to keep it running, and another sealed room to keep it in since you don’t want the gas fumes to fill up the one you’re sleeping in. Here I suggest investing in a portable battery-operated DVD player and stocking up on adult DVDs. Batteries are way easier to deal with, and you can hold it up with one hand.
BOOKS
Buy a large box of heavy-duty freezer bags and some bug spray. Take each book, stick it into a bag, and spray it with the bug spray. Seal it, and put the sealed bag into anotehr freezer bag. Spray some more bug spray into that, and seal it. That book is now completed protected against rot and insect infestation. And against you, because there’s no way you’ll ever bother to take the time to dig it back out just to whack off, especially considering the RaidTM stench.
POSTCARDS
Hey, you use what you got. And you can pack an awful lot of dirty postcards into an ammo box, you know.
INTERNET WEB SITES
Here you may be in luck, because the Internet was designed for the specific purpose of keeping communication lines alive during nuclear attack so that the military could continue to distribute pornography. Even in the event of massive retaliatory bombing, you’ll be able to access many, if not most of your favorite sites! Your biggest problem will be keeping your computer running. Maybe you can plug into your neighbor’s generator in exchange for some SkittlesTM.
ALTERNATIVES
Memory. Spend some time memorizing your favorite scenes, the pictures you save for last. Then seal your head in plastic sheeting to keep everything safe and protected.
Tattoos. Got a girl you can’t get enough of? Have her picture etched into your skin, and you’ll never lose it! Don’t put it on your business arm, for obvious reasons. You might even consider gaining more weight to increase the potential canvas. Or you could have the top of her head tattooed on your stomach, so that when you look down… you get the idea.
Novelty items. Nudie chicks on ball-point pens, “adult” playing cards, peek-a-boo movies, porn star action figures, wind-up hopping penises, all these things need to be preserved for future generations. Besides, you’ll need trade goods after the smoke clears, and the big guys will get all the food and booze.
SHARE THE WEALTH
Wartime is a time of sacrifice, and a time to support our brave soldiers. They need your porn, all you can spare. Pack up your smut and send it to the American Red Cross for overseas distribution. It might even be tax-deductable! And you can take pride in knowing that somewhere a soldier is fighting for his or her country with the kind of focus and determination that’s only possible for someone who jerked or rubbed themselves silly the night before.
And don’t forget to stock big on lotions, creams, soft cloths, extra batteries, and whatever else you may find necessary. Avoid VaselineTM or anything with a petrochemical base, for fear of collusion accusations. Act now, because tomorrow might be too late!
