And now, the latest exciting offering from the Foxy Network asks…

[fade into near-black, as the theme music starts; a heavy bass rendition of Devil Rump's hit single Do Me To Death. ]

Are you ready… for a hummer?!?

[The lights come up to a dim glow on the audience, which is dutifully going wild. Camera PANS crazily around the room, finally settling on the genial host who has emerged from the swirling clouds of fog on the stage.]

Hi! And welcome to “Hummer”, the game show that lets you discover just how level-headed you really are, right? Right?
(he bounds down the steps to stand in front of a deeply-shadowed chamber)
Each of our contestents must answer our questions to move on to the next level. Sounds easy, right? Right? Only he or she will have to answer questions while undergoing the most intensive, grueling, mind-draining physical sensation that any human can possibly endure. Oral sex! Let’s meet tonight’s new contestant!

Our challenger is Neal Schlabonsky, a 22-year old-liberal arts student from Charlotte, West Virginia. He enjoys online chatrooms and reading the works of Joyce, for some reason. Give it up for Neal Schlabonsky!

[Audience does so as a spindly young man emerges from behind the curtain, waves half-heartedly, and makes his way over to Gonad, only tripping once.]

Hullo.

(puts arm around Neal, almost knocking him down)
Hi, Neal! Glad you could be on the show. Says here you’re a straight A student, right? Your parents must be very proud. Ever gotten a hummer before?

Well, I think I might have…

SURE you have! You’re a college kid! Big man, studmonkey, cock of the walk! But now you have to see if you have the calm, the courage, the grace under fire to be able to answer three questions while getting your knob polished by our own lovely Miss… Julie!

[MISS JULIE, an unbearably lovely brunette wearing what appears to be about three feet of dental floss, strides out from behind the curtain and shimmies across the stage. The audience woo hoos frantically. One elderly gentleman in the front row faints and must be rushed from the studio]

Miss Julie is matriculating in field biology right here at UCLA, last appeared as a Victoria’s Shackles model, has no discernable gagging reflex, and was chosen to be Neal’s dream date! (applause)

[MISS JULIE struts up to stand next to GONAD and NEAL. GONAD leers at her, NEAL is visibly swallowing and sweating.]

Are you ready, Neal? (NEAL immediate starts tearing at his belt) Hey, haha, hold on a minute. Gotta do this right. Neal, sit down here in… the Seat!

[The lights go up, revealing the shadowy chamber to be what appears to be a 1987 Chrysler LaBaron, with the front half removed so that the front seat is clearly visible. GONAD leads NEAL around to the driver's side and opens the door for him. NEAL gets in, as MISS JULIE demurely seats herself next to him and removes her gum.]

Okay, slugger! While Miss Julie gets you ready, you’ll need to pick your topic. Would you like “Baseball Greats”, “Famous Bridges”, or “Bible Quotes”?

[MISS JULIE is fiddling with NEAL'S groin; the overhead monitor shows her in closeup as she lowers his pants to his knees and begins doing something with her hand that is clearly very distracting, according to the medical telemetry charts next to the monitor.]

Wow! Um, I, ow, um, “Bible quotes”?

“Bible Quotes” it is!
(applause, looming music begins)

No! I didn’t want… AAAAuuuuuugod…

[A significant portion of NEAL disappears into MISS JULIE'S mouth; as her head begins to bob up and down he grips the steering wheel and stares up at the roof of the car. The medical scanners begin red-lining.]

Okay, Neal, you sly dog, you. For $100, name a book of the Bible. Any book.

Agh! Uh, uh, uh, I, uh, uh, oh GEEZ!

[His head rolls back, and MISS JULIE bobs exactly once more and then sits up and smiles. The audience explodes as a loud buzzer sounds, followed by the traditonal "loser" sound: "waa waa waa waaaaaa". A woman in an evening gown walks up and presents MISS JULIE with a monogrammed handkerchief and a glass of champagne, and two large men arrive to escort a drooling and all-but-unconscious NEAL from the stage, pants dragging from his ankles.]

Aw, too bad, Neal! You popped too soon, and as we know that disqualifies you immediately. But hey, you don’t go away a total dishonored quick-trigger loser, because you’ll get a free copy of our home game! MIss Julie, nicely done, great fingering technique. Let’s get a shot of Neal’s shot, shall we?

[The overhead monitor displays a slow-motion replay of NEAL'S shame, as MISS JULIE works his balls. We can clearly see NEAL'S legs convulse, and MISS JULIE easily engulfs him with a somewhat bored expression before sitting back up and retrieving her gum.].

Just incredible. Now, Jimmy, tell us who’s next in the seat?

Our next challenger is a salesperson for “Feet Elite”, please welcome… Eleanor Gordan!
(a pretty woman with auburn hair, wearing a trim Donna Karan outfit, steps out and smiles. Applause.)

Eleanor! Thank you! You look wonderful! I understand you sell shoes?

(looking straight towards the camera and never losing her stilted, professional smile)
Yes, I do, Greg. I’m the regional manager for the largest women’s shoe supplier in the mid-southern east coast.

Fantastic! You must love it!

(smiling harder)
No, Greg, it’s a thankless, mind-numbing cage that eats a little more of my soul each and every day.

Great! Let’s get started. To help you out tonight, we have… Alphonse!

[A swarthy, devastatingly handsome man wearing grey slacks, black shirt open at the neck, and an Italian sports jacket walks onto the stage. ELEANOR sees him and smiles hesitantly.]

Eleanor’s dream date is Alphonse. Alphonse is a male dancer at Squeaky Pete’s, and his hobbies include collecting matchbooks and shattering women’s lives.

[ALPHONSE stands next to ELEANOR and places his hand on her shoulder; she turns to GONAD and tugs at his shoulder]

So.. I’m sorry?
(ELEANOR whispers into his ear, blushing furiously)
Oh. Really? Cool. Fair enough. Jimmy, we need a replacement. We’ve got a rugger.

All right Greg, instead Eleanor’s date tonight will be… Staci. (audience reacts with loud hoots and woo’s, obviously Staci is popular) Staci is a clerical worker and single mother, she likes Reba McIntyre, and she can etch glass with her tongue. Give it up for… Staci!

[ALPHONSE steps back, to be replaced with STACI. She's wearing pink tights and a t-shirt with a kitten on it. She is blond, cute, and has a great rack. She stands next to ELEANOR and smiles; ELEANOR'S nipples erect with an audible pop.]

C’mon you crazy kids, let’s get started.

[This time ELEANOR is seated on the passenger side as STACI slides behind the wheel. STACI runs a finger up ELEANOR'S leg but ELEANOR is determined to keep facing the camera.]

We need a new category. Eleanor, you can pick from “Baseball Greats”, “Famous Bridges”, or our new category, “Secrets”?

I’ll take “Secrets,” Greg.

Okay, here we go. Staci, you may dive in when ready.

[The ominous music begins again; STACI slides a hand under ELEANOR'S skirt, then quickly follows it with her head. ELEANOR emits a small squeak and then clamps her mouth shut and fights to remain calm. Her heart rate jumps.]

What is the term for secret government material?

CLA… um, “classified” Greg. Unh! “Classified.” Ooh.

[The audience applauds wildly, and ELEANOR's hips begin to gyrate, although she keeps her upper body perfectly still. Heartrate is steadily rising, oxygen level is fading slightly as she begins gasping.]

That’s right! You’ve got $100!
(the number board fixed to the top frame of the car rolls over to $100)
Now, to double your money: what popular street drug is used by three of the five members of the chart-topping group “Bistro Boyz?”

Mmmm, mmm, ohhh, it’s, uh, it’s right on the tip of my… oh, god… it’s… crystal me… no! CRANK! It’s crank! Ah god, right there!
(ELEANOR grabs the bulge in her skirt where the ears should be and starts pulling STACI’S head closer. Blood pressure is up, heart rate is spiking.)

Judges?
(from offstage, a buzzer sounds)
We’ll accept that. Eleanor! Eleanor?
(she looks up at him but her eyes are glazing over)
Are you ready to move on for the $500 question, or do you want to stop right here and go home with $200?

(panicky)
Keep going! Keep GOING! NEVER STOP! YES! IF YOU STOP I’LL KILL YOU!

Ha ha! That’s the way! Okay, for $500, the third “Secrets” question: Eleanor, what’s your PIN number?

(without hesitation) FIVE ONE ONE SIX! NOW! NOW!

That’s right! Eleanor, you now have $500 and you’re ready to go to the challenge round! Jimmy, our champion!

[STACI immediately, if reluctantly, comes out from underneath ELEANOR'S skirt and sits up, waiting, despite ELEANOR'S efforts to keep her in place. ELEANOR is almost crying in frustration and is clenching her thighs together; her medical monitors skitter back down below the danger lines.]

Our returning champion is Charlie Stolz. Charlie is a talent scout for MegaPap Modeling, holds the unofficial record for having received more blowjobs than any man alive, and to date has won over $43,000 on our show!

[A second car front, this one an Impala, moves into the light and we see a middle-aged, potbellied, balding man. He is grinning ear to ear and waving his clasped hands over his head like a boxer. His trousers are already pooled at his feet, revealing skinny white legs, sock garters, an appendix scar, and limp genitalia.]

Charlie! Welcome back to the show! Tonight you’ll be going up against our new challenger, Eleanor.

(to Eleanor)
Hey toots.

(still panting)
Huh… hi.

Now, as you know, I’ll be asking three questions. The winner will be whoever gets two of those three. Charlie, since you’re our champion and because poor Eleanor’s on the sweet razor edge of release, your buzzer will have a two-second delay. And who will be putting you through your test of endurance tonight?

Greg, tonight Charlie’s date will be… Marabelle! (audience applauds and cheers) Marabelle is a former “Choad Loads” model, and she can suck-start a 300′ firehose up a thirty-foot incline. Here she is, Marabelle!

[Marabelle, a devestating redhead, comes out wearing white lingerie and spike heels. Charlie smiles at her and begins erecting immediately. Meanwhile ELEANOR is stroking STACI'S hair and face, trying to get her to come back.]

Is everybody ready for the most important oral test they’ll ever take?
(Everyone agrees; STACI and MARABELLE get to business)
Our final round category tonight is… “Sex Crimes!” First question: What is the legal age of consent in Pennsylvania? (buzzer sounds) Eleanor?

RIGHT THERE! RIGHT FUCKING THERE! Oh, Jesus…

No, I’m sorry that’s incorrect. (buzzer sounds) Charlie?

That’d be 16, Greg.

That’s right, and you’ve got one point! Congratulations, Charlie!

[CHARLIE smiles proudly. MARABELLE is working like an oil rig, both hands flying, but CHARLIE'S medical monitors are holding rock steady.]

Actually that’s a bit vague, it can change depending on the age of the other…

That’s fine, Charlie, on to the next question. Eleanor, how you doing?

[ELEANOR is sprawled across the seat with her legs wrapped tightly around STACI'S head. Her blouse is open in front and her bra is ripped in half. ]

(muttering nonstop) …c’mon, keep going, that’s it, use your teeth, grab that thing, ooh, not so hard, get it between your tongue and your lip and oh!… YEAH!

Fantastic! On to the next question, Eleanor will have to answer this one to stay in the game. Here we go, what is the…

[A phone rings, CHARLIE looks apologetic and reaches around MARABELLE to produce a cellphone.]

(to Greg)
I’m really sorry, I need to take this. Bill, what’s up? Look, I can’t talk now, I’m on the show. Yes, right now.
(he pushes gently on MARABELLE’S head)
Keep going, honey, you’re doing great.

Charlie, I’m afraid we have to keep going. We don’t have lifelines on this show you know, right? Right! Ha ha!

You’re right, sorry.
(he puts the phone away and settles back in the seat. His heart rate has not changed)

Great! Okay, the next question. What is the… (a buzzer sounds, over and over) Eleanor, I haven’t asked the… oh. Um, Eleanor?

[ELEANOR has moved around so that she and STACI are in a frantic 69. The sounds are due to ELEANOR'S use of her buzzer on STACI as a makeshift and surprisingly effective dildo.]

Ah, well, looks like the winner for tonight is… Charlie!
(CHARLIE smiles, but keeps trying to see past GONAD at what’s going on in the next seat.)
But you’ll have to come back in a week, Charlie, because next week is Celebrity Week here on “The Hummer”, where your favorite celebrities will try their luck to win money for charity. Tune in Monday night at 8 to see Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Carey and Dr. Joyce Brothers, and we’ll see what happens when they get…

A HUMMER!

[Theme music begins and credits roll. An insert shows scenes from the show: NEAL'S expression, ELEANOR buryng her face in STACI, the audience member being resuscitated in the parking lot, etc.]