Go Screw Yourself: A Short Primer on Masturbation

Q: How old is masturbation?

A: Anthropologists have kept it under wraps, but the fossilized remains of the 3.5 million year old young girl found in Hadar, Ethiopia and nicknamed “Lucy” clearly show that she died because she was too distracted by an amazingly shaped 12″ gourd to notice the falling tree. Masturbation actually predates the opposable thumb, and may in fact have inspired it so as to better grasp the situation.

Q: Is it harmful to masturbate?

A: Despite the warnings given by religious leaders, worried parents and the guy that invented graham crackers, masturbation is only harmful in the following situations:
1. If you begin to blister.
2. If you aim carelessly and put someone’s eye out.
3. If you are standing on the edge of a precipice.
4. If it blocks you from reaching the autopilot.
5. If you use harmful accessories, such as cacti, explosives, Ben Gay, or live bees.

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Q: Isn’t it condemned in the Bible?

A: A common misconception. The sin of onanism, which is usually what’s being discussed, occurred when Onan was expected to impregnate his brother’s wife, his brother having been struck dead by God that morning. Onan, a trifled freaked out, didn’t want to impregnate his dead brother’s wife (she was a woofer) and so he pulled out, whereupon God struck him dead, too. Most religious leaders since then have thus condemned the spilling of seed as being a sin, but to me it spells a very different and very clear moral lesson: don’t piss off God.

It’s worth noting that, at least according to the Bible, women can rub themselves silly without a qualm. And while there’s anti-gay prohibitions aplenty in Scripture, there’s also no injunction against lesbians at all, which suggests that, like many homophobes, God is a-okay with girl-on-girl action.

Q: But hasn’t the pope spoken out against it?

A: Yes. And look at him.

Q: Does constant masturbation weaken you?

A: Would constant sit-ups give you a flabby stomach? I rest my case.

Q: How much is too much?

A: Excuse me? I was distracted… Ha! Just my little joke, I did that before we started. Like any other obsessive and maddeningly pleasant activity, masturbation can only be considered excessive if it keeps you from leading a normal life, working a normal job, and driving the legal speed limit. Otherwise, feel free to fill your days and nights with all the physical self-love you can bear, taking time out for meals and the reapplication of protective grease.

Q: How many people masturbate?

A: Good question. I haven’t the faintest idea.

Q: Haven’t there been studies?

A: Sure. And it’s certainly possible that every single person who was approached and asked “Do you masturbate? Really? How often?” actually answered with complete candor and honesty. It’s also possible you could bite the nape of your own neck, but I’m not holding my breath.

It’s a certainty that not everyone masturbates. There will always be those with the iron will, rock-solid conviction, and/or total lack of interest that can resist going for their own groceries, and I admire them. Usually through their windows. But that’s neither here nor there.

If I took a shot at it, based on what I know of human nature and desire, I would guess that there’s a small percentage that doesn’t, a small percentage that can’t stop, and a whopping big load of people in the middle who do it in varying amounts, often on Friday nights.

Q: Is masturbation good for you?

A: It’s certainly been good for me, but I don?t think that’s what you’re asking.

Masturbation provides many helpful benefits (as opposed to harmful benefits). It relaxes you. It helps you learn what pleasures you, so that you can guide others. It serves as a low-impact aerobic workout, unless both feet leave the ground. It helps you get in touch with your own body and with your kitchen utensils. It allows you to tap off excess fluid to keep your body running at optimal efficiency. It keeps you from hitting all the people who really need hitting. And it provides you with something to do to while away boring hours that might otherwise have been used to do something harmful and detrimental to society, such as running for Congress.

Q: If your lover or spouse masturbates, does it mean they’re not satisfied with you?

A: Yes.

Wait, wait, I was kidding. No, it doesn’t. Probably.

People masturbate for many reasons. It might mean that your lover has an urge for quick release but doesn’t want to bother you, or that they’re not in the mood to consider your needs just then, or that they lost a bar bet, or it might mean that they just watched The Real Cancun and they need to do it right now, dammit. If you try to have sex with them, and they tell you nah, they’d rather go masturbate, then you might have a problem.

Q: You’ve convinced me. How do I get started?

A: Go to a quiet secluded place where you won’t be interrupted, unless you like that sort of thing. Run your hands all over your body until you find the areas that most like to be touched. You’ll find the most sensitive areas (apart from the crotch) are the nipples, the backs of the knees, the thighs, and the surface of the eyeballs. Caress and stimulate these areas until you begin to uncontrollably bark like a Chihuahua. Increase the speed of your caresses until your barking more closely resembles an Alsatian. Now it’s time to grab your goodies.

Reach into your pants and scope things out. Chances are you’ll find one or more of the basic sets of genitalia: the sticky-outie thing (penis) or the gooey-innie thing (vagina). To stimulate the penis, you can stroke it, rub it, pull on it, slap it lightly, roll it between your hands, trap it between your thighs, stick it inside something warm and soft (such as a dinner roll) and, frankly, just about anything else you can think of. Penises are easy. It’s usually a trick to get them not to orgasm, even during inappropriate times such as funerals or long-distance marathons.

Vaginas are tougher, for several reasons. It’s not clear where, how fast, or how hard to touch it. What works sometimes doesn’t always work every time. Sometimes it just quits on you no matter how excited you thought you were. And sometimes you discover that the vagina is really just the inside part and you’ve actually been poking around on the vulva instead, and then you just want to give up and collect stamps.

The most sensitive part of the woman’s fruit basket is the clitoris, or fun-button. It’s right at the top of the vulva, where the lips come together. No, a little higher. Right there. Under that little flap. No, over to the left more. Up… no, you passed it. Rest your finger here and let it slide… that’s it… no… oh, fuck it.

I suggest getting one of those pillow-style back massagers, or maybe a motorcycle, straddling it, and just vibrating the whole area in the hopes that you nail the little bugger.

I hope this has helped some of you, and I look forward to talking to you again next month, after you shower off.

Next week: Basic Sex Education, or What That Little Hole Is For

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