Last night on the web
We saw a strange thing.
A pretty girl tied
Herself up with a string
And smacked her bare butt
With a handful of trash
While moaning out loud
And asking for cash.

Last night on the web
We saw a strange sight.
Twenty-two Shriners
Fucking at night.
Their fezzes were cocked
And their targeting true.
Has this sort of thing
Ever happened to you?

Last night on the web
We heard an odd noise.
Three ladies were shrieking
And playing with toys.
Their gasps were excited,
Their batteries strong
But we finally quit, they
Were taking too long.

Last night on the web
We saw a wild show.
Four different couples
Were ready to go.
They’d oiled themselves up
With some butter and grease
And waited til midnight
To pray for some piece.

Last night on the web
We had a great time.
We watched as a stripper
Picked up a flat dime.
She didn’t use hands,
Or teeth or her lip.
Just the force of her will
And a powerful grip.

Last night on the web
We clicked on a page
And found women hooking
For minimum wage.
The ladies were cute but
We had to give way.
When we’re looking for love
We don’t go to eBay.

Last night on the web
We hooked up Kazaa
And downloaded things
That were truly bizarre.
But the worst of them all
Was scary and rude
Geraldo Rivera
Was totally nude.

Last night on the web
We surfed to a spot
Where cheerleading teens
All showed what they got.
We couldn’t help seeing
The clues; such a pain
But two were all wrinkled
And one had a cane.

Last night on the web
We met our true match
This guy shoved a webcam
Up his girlfriend’s tight snatch.
He turned to the right
And she started to cough
But when she went pee
Then I had to log off.

Last night at our house
We didn’t log on.
We had a nice dinner
And kissed, whereupon
We made tender love,
Without jpeg or gif
Or movies or flash apps
And we said, what if

We abandoned the web
And lived our own lives?
Without great big hard schlongs
Or young cum-sucking wives?
No generic Viagra
Or offers of porn?
A brand new clean life!
It’d be like being born!

We’d both have more time
For more vital stuff
Like… sitting around,
And… wow, this is tough.
Last night on the web
We looked at our lives,
And we jumped back online
Where depravity thrives.

And now I must go
Some hot chick from France
Is messaging me now
And wants in my pants.
This relationship thing
Is fun for awhile
But too much real life
Is cramping my style.