Last week a Las Vegas news program broke the story of a private club (Huntingfor Bambi.com) that allowed men to shoot naked women with paint ball guns for the low, low price of thousands of dollars. Quickly thereafter the concept of naked women as targets sprung up on morning radio shows and blogs and horrified women’s organizations across the world as everyone weighed in on this sensationalistic topic.

But I was no exception; I posted my thoughts (”Yechh!”) and left it at that. Since then I’ve received comments and e-mails to the effect of “What the hell is wrong with you? They?re not serious or anything, it’s just a bit of harmless fun! I thought you were a humor site!”

Unfortunately I think these people have missed the point of the Island, and to help demonstrate what I mean I’d like to offer some suggestions on how to rework the Hunting for Bambi idea – which is more than likely a hoax to get publicity and sell videos – into something we’d be proud to host ourselves.

As it was described, a typical Hunting For Bambi event involved someone paying $10,000 to choose one of over 30 women to hunt. The woman would strip down to sneakers and take off as the intrepid hunter stalked and shot her down like a dog.

Now this all sounds reasonable. But I have problems with the one-sided aspect. Hell, if you’re going to go to all this trouble, why give her sneakers? Easier to just stake her down in the middle of the desert and fire away. Or use a paintball gun with a sniper scope and drop her without even leaving your car. Geez.

Let’s even things up a bit. Give her a rifle, at the very least. Or get herds of naked women out there so that shooting at one could bring the very real danger of being trampled by the rest when they stampede. The hunters should be naked as well, which should be good for a laugh, especially when you consider what a paint ball with a muzzle velocity of over 200 mph could do to the average scrotum. Tell me this wouldn’t sell if you marketed it to feminists with good eyes and itchy trigger fingers.

In fact, to make it interesting I’d want to rig up different scenarios. Check these out:

First Person Spooger
One guy, clothed, against all 30 nude women. They’re hiding in dense woods, it’s dark, and they have way more ammo than you. Can you make your way past the nude sentries to raid their camp? I’ll bet James Bond has fantasies like this.

Man Against Nature, in the Form of a Hot Naked Babe
One hunter, one nude woman. No paint ball guns. Instead, each has a single paint-filled sponge. They start at different points of the woods and start stalking. Last one unspattered wins! This can also work as an indoor game, hint hint.

Command and Conquer: Yowza
A team of hunters against an entrenched army of naked women. The hunters must use brilliant tactics and cunning strategies to accomplish their goals and they’d better be careful, because you don’t want to know what happens to the hunters that get captured.

The Girls Gone Wild Frontier
One hunter, one naked gal. However, she started off a week ago, and he’s got to track her down. It will take all his woodsman skills to find her, especially if she had cab fare.

Remember the Galamo
As many hunters as you like, but the naked girls are inside a 30′ high armored fortress. The hunters will have to fashion primitive siege weapons while avoiding the paint-filled balloons thrown from the walls. For more exciting play they can make ladders to scale the walls and engage in hand-to-whatever combat, but they’d better watch out for the cauldrons of boiling hot paint waiting for them!

Wheelee
After you get your party of hunters, match them with the same number of women, then strip everybody down. Add gallons of baby oil, and the King of the Hill battle has begun. Winner is whichever one can stay on top of the pile for a measured minute, but this is the sort of game where nobody really loses.

Quimmich
This one gets a little trickier, but it has a devoted following. The field is a large, padded arena. You have two naked teams, male and female (can be modified depending on the preferences of the players). Each team has the following players:
Two Swingers, whose job is to nail as many people on the other team as possible.
Two Bumpers, whose job is to body slam members of the opposing team who try to score.
One Host, who must keep the drinks and pretzels coming.
One Stud or Slut, who’s only job is to find and grab the Golden Bitch.
This is played with regional teams, and fan loyalty makes for some impassioned and creative waves in the stands, I can tell you.

Tree Blinds Date
This is easily the most perilous, and the most personally dangerous. One hunter, one clothed woman. The hunter must select and track the woman, corner her, buy her a drink and maybe a reasonably priced meal, and then he must – without the gun – talk to her and try to form a relationship based on mutual respect and affection. This is not for the faint-hearted or weak-willed! This is the Hunt to End All Hunts, and it will take all of your wits and more courage than most men have, especially since usually you can’t use rope snares until the second date.

Hunting for Bubba
I like the naked hunter idea more and more, so let’s go with it. One nude guy, with sneakers, is open season to a woman with a paint ball gun. The huntress could even pick out the accessories her target is to carry such as a beer can, a remote control, or a paycheck larger than hers. This could even be therapeutic if you offered it to rape victims and abuse survivors, but you may have problems getting her to stop after only one shot. Oh, what the hell, shoot him again.

See? The concept is fine, just needs a little work…

Next week: More on this, as we delve more deeply into the “only hunt what you’ll eat” philosophy.