This has been possibly the best week ever for homosexuals in North America. Gay marriage is now legal in Ontario and about to be legal across Canada, and the U.S. Supreme Court struck down Texas’ anti-sodomy law, overturning a previous ruling. The opinion now held by the court, taken from the dissenting opinion in the original ruling (Bowers v. Hardwick), is this:

“…individual decisions by married persons, concerning the intimacies of their physical relationship, even when not intended to produce offspring, are a form of “liberty” protected by the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. Moreover, this protection extends to intimate choices by unmarried as well as married persons.”

Isn’t that the most marvelous thing? I want it tattooed on me somewhere, ideally where you’d have to committing an unnatural act on me to see it. It’s certainly the last decision I ever expected to see during the Bush Adminstration. I would have paid cash money to have seen the look on Attorney General John Ashcroft’s face when he heard about it. Behind him, I’m convinced, the enshrouded Lady Liberty was giggling her half-naked ass off.

Now you may not be gay. You may even think homosexual acts are against the laws of God, unhealthy, immoral, and/or icky. But there is a good chance that you too will benefit from this decision, especially if you’re the kinds of people I think you are. See, if the law been struck down because it was discriminatory (since it wasn’t against the law in Texas for straight couples to bugger each other), as Justice O’Connor argued, it would have invalidated all laws against sodomy between same-sex couples but left the rest of the anti-sex laws alone. Instead, the majority argued that the law violated the individual’s right to privacy, and so with a stroke of the pen all the consensual sex laws have been undone. The government has been completely shoved out of our bedrooms, and the door has been locked.

And now it’s a whole new ballgame.

Have you ever found yourself avoiding unnatural acts in the privacy of your own bedroom for fear of prosecution? Grab the butter!

Ever wanted to carnally explore a watermelon? Now you can!

Been holding back on inviting the bridge club over for sandwiches and light bondage? Start slicing the cucumbers!

There are still restrictions, of course. Your twisted acts must be fully consensual, everyone involved must be old enough to legally consent, no animals, and no commercial transactions. But look what that leaves! Here’s a short list, all now officially sanctioned by the United States Supreme Court:

Sodomy.
Oral sex.
Heavy petting.
Group sex.
Group sex involving sodomy and oral sex.
Group sex involving sodomy, oral sex, and the contents of your vegetable crisper.
Group sex involving a couch, a gallon jug of vegetable oil, and the game “King of the Hill.”
Bondage.
Blondage.
Masturbation.
Mutual masturbation.
Competitive masturbation for speed and/or distance.
Pillow-biting.
Pillow fucking.
Rimming.
Frotting.
Bundling.
Frigging.
Cornholing.
Humping.
Bumping.
Licking.
Sucking.
Fucking.
Whipping.
Fondling.
Flashing.
Fisting.
Legging.
Shaving.
Stripping.
Streaking.
Nude housework.
Nude carpentry.
Cybersex.
Hybersex.
Water sports.
Extreme water sports.
Hand jobs.
Blow jobs.
Auto-fellatio.
Auto-cunnilingus.
Wearing clothes originally designed for the other sex.
Gang bangs.
Gang booms.
Sticking an entire Bratz “Slumber Party Meygan” doll up there.
Sex with shoes.
Sex with boots.
Sex with cheese.
Sex with armpits.
Swirl.
Pogo swirl.
Pump with an underground hammer.
Nude Yahtzee.
Sex with a deep sea diver’s suit on.
Home colonoscopy.
Sex while fantasizing about Supreme Court judges.

Party hearty, people! This is a great day for all of us, and I’m incredibly grateful to the two wonderful homosexual Texans who made it all happen by not taking their sodomy charge lying down. Bless you, both of you, and I can only hope that you’re celebrating your asses off.