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There are many things to know before you can be considered a man, my son, and not all of them are as obvious as “put the lid down” and “don’t murder strangers.” Life is ready to start passing you dripping handfuls of fate, and sex isn’t nearly as easy as Paris Hilton’s video makes it appear. Mark my words well, and read on…

Kiss her. A lot.

Not while she’s eating hot soup, though.

You can never go wrong by helping her with chores, unless you fuck it up, in which case you might as well just stay on the couch and supervise.

Breasts are like rabbits. They’re soft and love to be touched, but they’ll run away if you just grab at them. Also, they spread disease.

Nothing impresses your lady more than when you brag about her to your friends. It’s probably not a good idea to call them and brag while you’re actually having sex, though.

Never masturbate over anything that isn’t machine washable.

Chicks dig gifts. Check around and see if your previous dates left any jewelry or underwear you can wrap.

The first date is when she finds out all about you. This should happen slowly, over the course of a dinner or an evening of dancing, so you should plan on wearing pants, at least initially.

Bedtime nicknames should be playful and sexy. Avoid nicknames like “Whore,” “Sergeant, yes Sergeant,” “Tunnelcunt,” and “Slant-eyed bitch.”

Treat clitorises with respect and care, especially at first. Stroke her like you’re trying to rub a smudge off of a mint copy of “The Incredible Hulk” #181 (1st appearance of Wolverine) with your finger without damaging its CGC rating and resale value. Don’t use your fingernail.

Avoid praising the bodies of your lover’s friends, especially if you’re boning her at the time.

Don’t worry if you can’t get it up. It happens to every guy eventually, and it’s natural. Fag.

If you spurt over the face of more than one woman, go left to right and pace yourself so the last one doesn’t get left out. Don’t aim for nostrils, it’s rude and they’re a bugger to hit, anyway.

If you place your ear right up against her vulva, you can hear the ocean.

If you place her ear right against her vulva, you can hear a cracking noise.

Many women have uncomfortable relationships with their sisters. These can be due to jealousy, or distance, or traumatic events that are still painful to consider. Take the first step in helping her mend her familial bonds by opening your bed to her sister.

This works with estranged mothers, too, if they’re hot.

Never use such tired, trite sayings during sex as “Who’s your daddy?” and “Take it all.” Women prefer hearing more personal sentiments, like “Welcome to Cocksville! Population: You.”

If you break up with her and she takes it hard, date only men for a few months so she won’t think less of herself as a woman.

Nipples can be very sensitive. Never do anything to them that you couldn’t do to a cellphone.

Women hate it when you stop lovemaking to watch a passing play, no matter how beautifully the quarterback threw the ball, so it’s perfectly all right and even considerate to use family funds to buy TiVo.

Never stick anything up her that you don’t know for a fact you can retrieve, especially if it’s your car keys and you don’t have copies.

If porn has taught us anything it’s that all women love giving head for hours. Tell her if she doesn’t it’s because she’s a lez.

Thanks to the constant stream of beauty-conscious attitude that bathes our media, most women, no matter how beautiful, are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Respect her self-esteem by hiding the video camera where she won’t notice it.

Going down on a woman is fun, but it can take days to finish and puts a major crick in your neck. But if you sneak an electric toothbrush down there with you, you can be out of there in five minutes.

Pubic hair can be a sore spot with some women, and you may not be able to find the right way to bring up the subject of thickets and the benefits of landscaping. Just wait until she’s asleep and trim her up any way you want.

When going at it doggie-style, never face towards the TV. It’s rude, disrespectful, and insulting. Instead, just point her towards a mirror that’s facing the TV.

With the right attitude and a bit of hard work, you can see any woman in the world naked. First, take off your clothes…

Use the right amount for the right job. Just because two benwa balls feel great doesn’t mean that twenty will feel better.

Asking for her hand in marriage on the big JumboTron at the stadium is romantic and cool, but asking for a blowjob the same way isn’t. Trust me.

Self-circumcision isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.

When she asks you to eat her out, she’d rather you not use a fork.

Too many teenagers have humiliated their families in accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation deaths that cause shame and disgrace over their sick, perverted son. Show some consideration for your family by leaving some evidence pointing to a homeless guy or the local religious leader lying around before you put the rope around your neck, just in case.

Chlamydia really isn’t a Middle Eastern country, no matter what your Uncle Tim told you.

When she said she likes ice on her nipples, she probably didn’t mean dry ice.

Asking your girlfriend to lay naked on your table and spread her legs is probably not the best centerpiece for your family Thanksgiving gathering, even if you’re really thankful for it.

Inflatable women don’t have the same status in expensive restaurants as they used to.

People who are drunk have described themselves as being “being stiff as a board,” but I think you’ll find that just the opposite happens.

If you’re going to suck yourself off, make the “spit or swallow” decision before you begin to avoid last-minute embarrassment and feelings of rejection.

People who have cats and dogs should never, ever search for “animal-lover” on Kazaa.

Porn isn’t the glamorous world it appears. Just ask Vivid’s janitor.

When following instructions in sex manuals, it is vitally and medically important to make sure you don’t skip any pages.

When the therapist says she wants to hear about your most secret fantasies, she doesn’t really. She just starts screaming and clawing at the windows. It happens every damn time.

The right to free speech doesn’t really excuse what you said to that woman in the elevator yesterday, and why she was perfectly within her rights to do what she did to your Palm Pilot.

Oral sex and chili peppers were never meant to meet.

You’d be amazed at the uses you can find for your childhood kazoo skills.

Sometimes reality gets in the way of your fantasy, like when the police come around the house looking for all those UPS guys.

Sure, washable body paints may not be quite as permanent as oil-based exterior house paint, but you’ll thank me in the morning.

Thanks to new developments in microwave technology and neurolinguistic therapy, you can have a romantic weekend filled with love and commitment in only an hour and a half. It’s scientific!

A classy gentleman is careful to select the proper wine to accompany oral sex. Hint: red meat requires red wine, delicate fishy tastes delight in white.

Rug burn is a painful, lingering abrasion that is easy to avoid. Fuck on tile.

Good: Spreading cocoa butter on your lover. Bad: Spraying your lover with “Pam.”

Blowing lightly in your lover’s ear is incredibly sensual, but trying to speed things up by blowing in there really, really hard has some surprising results.

The most effective birth control technique is the mid-coital belch. Guaranteed. A couple of those and you’ll never have to worry about pregnancy ever again.

After sex, don’t leave money on her dresser, even as a joke. Such low humor cheapens her. It’s much easier to set up a direct deposit account.

A DVD player and a large enough collection of DVDs can provide a surprisingly satisfying social life. Really. I mean, it has to.

“How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”
“We Review the 100 Best All-Natural, Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes””
“Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a Failure?”
“How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate Tastes Right?”

Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including “The Christian Science Monitor” and “Highlights”. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well-versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

Well, Hoot Island does have its standards, and we expect our readers to make the grade. Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

1. To me, Sex is…
1. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship
2. something to be shared with that redhead over there
3. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship
4. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
5. more necessary than air

 

2. My favorite sex toy is powered by:
1. “C” batteries
2. a car battery
3. a turbine engine
4. an intricate network of gears, pulleys, waterworks and pack animals
5. a small, self-contained nuclear power plant

 

3. The last place I had sex was:
1. in bed, with the lights off
2. on the dining room table, with the lights on
3. on the dining room table at the Embassy Hilton, with the lights on
4. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a mountain pass at midnight, with the lights off
5. inside a coffin, during a cremation

 

4. I judge a man’s sexuality by his:
1. length
2. length and width
3. imagination
4. length, width, and imagination, and credit rating, and golf handicap
5. network of scar patterns

 

5.       What are the only utterly necessary steps of any sexual encounter?

a.       male orgasm

b.       intercourse, male orgasm

c.       foreplay, intercourse, male and female orgasm

d.       foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms (repeat)

e.       Stamping ground, flapping arms while displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly, flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in still-warm corpse

 

6.       I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by her:

a.       hooters

b.       sensual, confident attitude

c.       willingness to have sex with me

d.       hooters and willingness to have sex with me

e.       willingness to have sex with me and any three of my buds

 

7.       How many of your lover’s erogenous zones have you successfully located?

a.       12

b.       35

c.       all of them

d.       only the ones on my lover’s actual body

e.       all of them, and I created three more

 

8.       Judging from your own experience, what is the average length of a man’s penis?

a.       9”

b.       10”

c.       11”

d.       a and c

e.       13” or more

 

9.       How do you keep track of your lovers afterwards?

a.       my diary

b.       reading The National Enquirer

c.       collecting CDs of every band I’ve had

d.       a dedicated computer database, online so it can be updated from anywhere, instantly

e.       my staff handles that sort of thing

 

10.   I learned about sex from:

a.       my parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer

b.       my schoolmates

c.       porn videos

d.       porn videos starring my parents

e.       directing porn videos starring my parents and my schoolmates

 

11.   My first time was:

a.       gentle and loving, with someone I cared about

b.       wild and animalistic, with someone handy

c.       a carefully crafted media event to help debut my new perfume

d.       as number #257and #263 in the “World’s Largest Gang-Bang 2”

e.       recorded by three separate amateur astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting

 

12.   Safe sex means:

a.       condoms, foam, those little rubber things the girl sticks in

b.       getting a complete blood test and medical history back to the crib

c.       wearing your seatbelt during

d.       making sure the knots are within reach

e.       knee pads, support cables, two burly spotters, and making sure the safety is on

 

13.   What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever experienced?

a.       an honest 3 minutes, by God!

b.       halftime

c.       the duration of the cab drive from Camden to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and preventatives

d.       the duration of the plane trip from New York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the movie

e.       it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has been peaking steadily since

 

14.   You discover that your new lover is married. What do you do?

a.       end it immediately, it’s not worth the heartache

b.       continue until discovery is imminent, then get the hell out

c.       stay in the relationship until you have drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the whole marriage down in flames

d.       leave immediately, preventing closure, then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic fashion every few years to keep things interesting

e.       immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things fair

 

15.   Oral sex is:

a.       okay, I guess

b.       better than anything on this earth, unless it’s football season

c.       the best way to shut someone up, ever

d.       the very best way to say “good morning!”

e.       the only proper study of a lifetime

 

16.   How far will you go on a first date?

a.       a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date has been agreeable

b.       a passionate kiss, if we really hit it off

c.       oral sex, either as a promise or as the best way to get them to leave

d.       an all-nighter, but only if it’s understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always say

e.       I might be willing to conceive a child, but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat

 

17.   Anal sex is:

a.       dirty and nasty and specifically prohibited by God

b.       okay, if you must insist, but only for a special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game, but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison your coffee

c.       something to be approached with care, with someone you love and trust implicitly

d.       something to be approached with bear grease

e.       what you do after everything else on your body is used up

 

18.   I think the first time you make love to a new person, you should:

a.       be very certain that this is what both of you want, and then go slowly and gently

b.       get good and drunk and go at it like crazed ferrets

c.       be respectful and get her aroused gradually, using just the one fist

d.       probably get their name, at some point

e.      probably discover their gender, at some point

 

19.   If someone ever took nude pictures of you, how would you respond?

a.       with affronted dignity

b.       with flattered “thank you”s

c.       with wild sex and some photography of my own

d.       with tips on lighting and composition

e.       with legal injunctions against sale or distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially cinematic productions or webcasts

 

20.   After sex, how long do you wait until you tell your best friend?

a.       until after the relationship is over

b.       until the next day, at lunch

c.       until I can reach the phone without offending

d.       until I can figure out which of the tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend

e.       I never tell, they can damn well buy the book like everybody else

 

Scoring

 

Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every “d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself below.

 

20 – 39 points: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid this website really isn’t for you. Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract, or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people do.

 

40 – 59 points: Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking, the guy that always gets sent for beer.

 

60 – 79 points: Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous, relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.

 

80 – 99 points: Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everything and go at it wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for it.

 

100 points: You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before you. Carefully. Or you’re a total slut, but that’s good too.

 

 

Whatever you may think about the values or intentions of our world leaders, the idiots, it seems certain that we are about to go to war. And that means, as any patriotic American knows, that we have to be fully prepared on the home front to protect ourselves from retaliatory attacks. We must protect our loved ones at all costs, as they are our most valuable possession. I’m speaking here, of course, of our pornography collections.

It can truly be said that the freedom of a country can be measured by its porn. A country and its people must hold dear the highest ideals of free expression and liberty before they’ll allow publication of such fine periodicals as Whoppin’ Jugs, and in every video, DVD, and stroke mag I see what our brave soldiers have fought and died for. Can we allow this to be lost? I think not.

In case of mutual or terrorist attacks, fragile things like the 1st Amendment and glossy paper are the first things to go. We have to work together to protect our precious porn from those despotic zealots who rule through intimidation and mistaken religious fundamentalism and who would gladly stomp all over our American values, such as Attorney General John Ashcroft. And, in the worst case scenario, you may be one of the few left alive to carry our proud tradition of nympho cheerleading sluts into the post-apocalyptic society. Below are some tested tips on porn-preservation.

 

A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
Your first step is to create a place that can withstand the inevitable onslaught of chemical warfare, nuclear fallout, and attacks from ground troops. Fortunately, many of you are already accustomed to spending long periods of time in a single small room.
1. Grab some plastic sheeting and duct tape, both to protect yourself and to bolster our sagging economy. Mostly for the economy. Find the room in your house or apartment that offers the best protection, i.e. concrete walls, one or fewer windows, cable hookup, etc, and use the duct tape to hang the plastic sheeting over the window and doorway. Be sure to get it as tight as possible to guard against chemical weapons attack. If, after a few short hours, you begin to have difficulty breathing and focusing your eyes, you’ve made it tight enough.
2. Stock it with enough essentials to stay alive for a minimum of two weeks, which is the amount of time CNN has already alloted to war coverage. According to the U.S. Government pamphlette “Jacking for Victory” each adult in your shelter requires at least three different sources of pornography per day under normal circumstances. This means you’ll need 21 different sources of filth handy and accessible, per person, in the unlikely event you have company. For some of you this means a quick shopping trip, for many of you it means opening only one drawer. Oh, and you’ll need food and water, probably.
3. Follow the news. You’ll need to know when to close yourself off from human contact. I suggest keeping NakedNews.com on at all times to stay fully abreast of world affairs. When they start using graphics that include mushroom clouds and titles like “The Naked Soldier,” it’s time to start duct-taping.

MAGAZINES
While movies and websites have made a massive incursion into our porn-enjoying lives, nothing can ever really replace the sneaky, private feeling you get when you duck into the bathroom with a copy of Non-Picky Sluts stashed inside a copy of Entertainment Weekly. They store easily, are relatively inexpensive, and do not require electricity, a big plus when selecting your porn stash.
For basic protection, seal your porn into mylar bags, easily available at any comics shop. If intense heat or chemical attack is a concern (and when isn’t it?) consider rolling your magazines tightly and storing them inside empty Pringles^TM cans. They stack well and, when duct-taped shut, offer maximum protection against the mightiest of attacks. You can even spray-paint the cans green and stencil “U.S. PORN” on the side, just to make them look all official and shit.

MOVIES
These present a bit more of a problem, as you’ll need a self-contained power source to enjoy them unless you’ve got really, really good eyes. Your VCR and DVD player will require a generator, enough gasoline to keep it running, and another sealed room to keep it in since you don’t want the gas fumes to fill up the one you’re sleeping in. Here I suggest investing in a portable battery-operated DVD player and stocking up on adult DVDs. Batteries are way easier to deal with, and you can hold it up with one hand.

BOOKS
Buy a large box of heavy-duty freezer bags and some bug spray. Take each book, stick it into a bag, and spray it with the bug spray. Seal it, and put the sealed bag into anotehr freezer bag. Spray some more bug spray into that, and seal it. That book is now completed protected against rot and insect infestation. And against you, because there’s no way you’ll ever bother to take the time to dig it back out just to whack off, especially considering the Raid^TM stench.

POSTCARDS
Hey, you use what you got. And you can pack an awful lot of dirty postcards into an ammo box, you know.

INTERNET WEB SITES
Here you may be in luck, because the Internet was designed for the specific purpose of keeping communication lines alive during nuclear attack so that the military could continue to distribute pornography. Even in the event of massive retaliatory bombing, you’ll be able to access many, if not most of your favorite sites! Your biggest problem will be keeping your computer running. Maybe you can plug into your neighbor’s generator in exchange for some Skittles^TM.

ALTERNATIVES

And now, the latest exciting offering from the Foxy Network asks…

[fade into near-black, as the theme music starts; a heavy bass rendition of Devil Rump's hit single Do Me To Death. ]

Are you ready… for a hummer?!?

[The lights come up to a dim glow on the audience, which is dutifully going wild. Camera PANS crazily around the room, finally settling on the genial host who has emerged from the swirling clouds of fog on the stage.]

Hi! And welcome to “Hummer”, the game show that lets you discover just how level-headed you really are, right? Right?
(he bounds down the steps to stand in front of a deeply-shadowed chamber)
Each of our contestents must answer our questions to move on to the next level. Sounds easy, right? Right? Only he or she will have to answer questions while undergoing the most intensive, grueling, mind-draining physical sensation that any human can possibly endure. Oral sex! Let’s meet tonight’s new contestant!

Our challenger is Neal Schlabonsky, a 22-year old-liberal arts student from Charlotte, West Virginia. He enjoys online chatrooms and reading the works of Joyce, for some reason. Give it up for Neal Schlabonsky!

[Audience does so as a spindly young man emerges from behind the curtain, waves half-heartedly, and makes his way over to Gonad, only tripping once.]

Hullo.

(puts arm around Neal, almost knocking him down)
Hi, Neal! Glad you could be on the show. Says here you’re a straight A student, right? Your parents must be very proud. Ever gotten a hummer before?

Well, I think I might have…

SURE you have! You’re a college kid! Big man, studmonkey, cock of the walk! But now you have to see if you have the calm, the courage, the grace under fire to be able to answer three questions while getting your knob polished by our own lovely Miss… Julie!

[MISS JULIE, an unbearably lovely brunette wearing what appears to be about three feet of dental floss, strides out from behind the curtain and shimmies across the stage. The audience woo hoos frantically. One elderly gentleman in the front row faints and must be rushed from the studio]

Miss Julie is matriculating in field biology right here at UCLA, last appeared as a Victoria’s Shackles model, has no discernable gagging reflex, and was chosen to be Neal’s dream date! (applause)

[MISS JULIE struts up to stand next to GONAD and NEAL. GONAD leers at her, NEAL is visibly swallowing and sweating.]

Are you ready, Neal? (NEAL immediate starts tearing at his belt) Hey, haha, hold on a minute. Gotta do this right. Neal, sit down here in… the Seat!

[The lights go up, revealing the shadowy chamber to be what appears to be a 1987 Chrysler LaBaron, with the front half removed so that the front seat is clearly visible. GONAD leads NEAL around to the driver's side and opens the door for him. NEAL gets in, as MISS JULIE demurely seats herself next to him and removes her gum.]

Okay, slugger! While Miss Julie gets you ready, you’ll need to pick your topic. Would you like “Baseball Greats”, “Famous Bridges”, or “Bible Quotes”?

[MISS JULIE is fiddling with NEAL'S groin; the overhead monitor shows her in closeup as she lowers his pants to his knees and begins doing something with her hand that is clearly very distracting, according to the medical telemetry charts next to the monitor.]

Wow! Um, I, ow, um, “Bible quotes”?

“Bible Quotes” it is!
(applause, looming music begins)

No! I didn’t want… AAAAuuuuuugod…

[A significant portion of NEAL disappears into MISS JULIE'S mouth; as her head begins to bob up and down he grips the steering wheel and stares up at the roof of the car. The medical scanners begin red-lining.]

Okay, Neal, you sly dog, you. For $100, name a book of the Bible. Any book.

Agh! Uh, uh, uh, I, uh, uh, oh GEEZ!

[His head rolls back, and MISS JULIE bobs exactly once more and then sits up and smiles. The audience explodes as a loud buzzer sounds, followed by the traditonal "loser" sound: "waa waa waa waaaaaa". A woman in an evening gown walks up and presents MISS JULIE with a monogrammed handkerchief and a glass of champagne, and two large men arrive to escort a drooling and all-but-unconscious NEAL from the stage, pants dragging from his ankles.]

Aw, too bad, Neal! You popped too soon, and as we know that disqualifies you immediately. But hey, you don’t go away a total dishonored quick-trigger loser, because you’ll get a free copy of our home game! MIss Julie, nicely done, great fingering technique. Let’s get a shot of Neal’s shot, shall we?

[The overhead monitor displays a slow-motion replay of NEAL'S shame, as MISS JULIE works his balls. We can clearly see NEAL'S legs convulse, and MISS JULIE easily engulfs him with a somewhat bored expression before sitting back up and retrieving her gum.].

Just incredible. Now, Jimmy, tell us who’s next in the seat?

Our next challenger is a salesperson for “Feet Elite”, please welcome… Eleanor Gordan!
(a pretty woman with auburn hair, wearing a trim Donna Karan outfit, steps out and smiles. Applause.)

Eleanor! Thank you! You look wonderful! I understand you sell shoes?

(looking straight towards the camera and never losing her stilted, professional smile)
Yes, I do, Greg. I’m the regional manager for the largest women’s shoe supplier in the mid-southern east coast.

Fantastic! You must love it!

(smiling harder)
No, Greg, it’s a thankless, mind-numbing cage that eats a little more of my soul each and every day.

Great! Let’s get started. To help you out tonight, we have… Alphonse!

[A swarthy, devastatingly handsome man wearing grey slacks, black shirt open at the neck, and an Italian sports jacket walks onto the stage. ELEANOR sees him and smiles hesitantly.]

Eleanor’s dream date is Alphonse. Alphonse is a male dancer at Squeaky Pete’s, and his hobbies include collecting matchbooks and shattering women’s lives.

[ALPHONSE stands next to ELEANOR and places his hand on her shoulder; she turns to GONAD and tugs at his shoulder]

So.. I’m sorry?
(ELEANOR whispers into his ear, blushing furiously)
Oh. Really? Cool. Fair enough. Jimmy, we need a replacement. We’ve got a rugger.

All right Greg, instead Eleanor’s date tonight will be… Staci. (audience reacts with loud hoots and woo’s, obviously Staci is popular) Staci is a clerical worker and single mother, she likes Reba McIntyre, and she can etch glass with her tongue. Give it up for… Staci!

[ALPHONSE steps back, to be replaced with STACI. She's wearing pink tights and a t-shirt with a kitten on it. She is blond, cute, and has a great rack. She stands next to ELEANOR and smiles; ELEANOR'S nipples erect with an audible pop.]

C’mon you crazy kids, let’s get started.

[This time ELEANOR is seated on the passenger side as STACI slides behind the wheel. STACI runs a finger up ELEANOR'S leg but ELEANOR is determined to keep facing the camera.]

We need a new category. Eleanor, you can pick from “Baseball Greats”, “Famous Bridges”, or our new category, “Secrets”?

I’ll take “Secrets,” Greg.

Okay, here we go. Staci, you may dive in when ready.

[The ominous music begins again; STACI slides a hand under ELEANOR'S skirt, then quickly follows it with her head. ELEANOR emits a small squeak and then clamps her mouth shut and fights to remain calm. Her heart rate jumps.]

What is the term for secret government material?

CLA… um, “classified” Greg. Unh! “Classified.” Ooh.

[The audience applauds wildly, and ELEANOR's hips begin to gyrate, although she keeps her upper body perfectly still. Heartrate is steadily rising, oxygen level is fading slightly as she begins gasping.]

That’s right! You’ve got $100!
(the number board fixed to the top frame of the car rolls over to $100)
Now, to double your money: what popular street drug is used by three of the five members of the chart-topping group “Bistro Boyz?”

Mmmm, mmm, ohhh, it’s, uh, it’s right on the tip of my… oh, god… it’s… crystal me… no! CRANK! It’s crank! Ah god, right there!
(ELEANOR grabs the bulge in her skirt where the ears should be and starts pulling STACI’S head closer. Blood pressure is up, heart rate is spiking.)

Judges?
(from offstage, a buzzer sounds)
We’ll accept that. Eleanor! Eleanor?
(she looks up at him but her eyes are glazing over)
Are you ready to move on for the $500 question, or do you want to stop right here and go home with $200?

(panicky)
Keep going! Keep GOING! NEVER STOP! YES! IF YOU STOP I’LL KILL YOU!

Ha ha! That’s the way! Okay, for $500, the third “Secrets” question: Eleanor, what’s your PIN number?

(without hesitation) FIVE ONE ONE SIX! NOW! NOW!

That’s right! Eleanor, you now have $500 and you’re ready to go to the challenge round! Jimmy, our champion!

[STACI immediately, if reluctantly, comes out from underneath ELEANOR'S skirt and sits up, waiting, despite ELEANOR'S efforts to keep her in place. ELEANOR is almost crying in frustration and is clenching her thighs together; her medical monitors skitter back down below the danger lines.]

Our returning champion is Charlie Stolz. Charlie is a talent scout for MegaPap Modeling, holds the unofficial record for having received more blowjobs than any man alive, and to date has won over $43,000 on our show!

[A second car front, this one an Impala, moves into the light and we see a middle-aged, potbellied, balding man. He is grinning ear to ear and waving his clasped hands over his head like a boxer. His trousers are already pooled at his feet, revealing skinny white legs, sock garters, an appendix scar, and limp genitalia.]

Charlie! Welcome back to the show! Tonight you’ll be going up against our new challenger, Eleanor.

(to Eleanor)
Hey toots.

(still panting)
Huh… hi.

Now, as you know, I’ll be asking three questions. The winner will be whoever gets two of those three. Charlie, since you’re our champion and because poor Eleanor’s on the sweet razor edge of release, your buzzer will have a two-second delay. And who will be putting you through your test of endurance tonight?

Greg, tonight Charlie’s date will be… Marabelle! (audience applauds and cheers) Marabelle is a former “Choad Loads” model, and she can suck-start a 300′ firehose up a thirty-foot incline. Here she is, Marabelle!

[Marabelle, a devestating redhead, comes out wearing white lingerie and spike heels. Charlie smiles at her and begins erecting immediately. Meanwhile ELEANOR is stroking STACI'S hair and face, trying to get her to come back.]

Is everybody ready for the most important oral test they’ll ever take?
(Everyone agrees; STACI and MARABELLE get to business)
Our final round category tonight is… “Sex Crimes!” First question: What is the legal age of consent in Pennsylvania? (buzzer sounds) Eleanor?

RIGHT THERE! RIGHT FUCKING THERE! Oh, Jesus…

No, I’m sorry that’s incorrect. (buzzer sounds) Charlie?

That’d be 16, Greg.

That’s right, and you’ve got one point! Congratulations, Charlie!

[CHARLIE smiles proudly. MARABELLE is working like an oil rig, both hands flying, but CHARLIE'S medical monitors are holding rock steady.]

Actually that’s a bit vague, it can change depending on the age of the other…

That’s fine, Charlie, on to the next question. Eleanor, how you doing?

[ELEANOR is sprawled across the seat with her legs wrapped tightly around STACI'S head. Her blouse is open in front and her bra is ripped in half. ]

(muttering nonstop) …c’mon, keep going, that’s it, use your teeth, grab that thing, ooh, not so hard, get it between your tongue and your lip and oh!… YEAH!

Fantastic! On to the next question, Eleanor will have to answer this one to stay in the game. Here we go, what is the…

[A phone rings, CHARLIE looks apologetic and reaches around MARABELLE to produce a cellphone.]

(to Greg)
I’m really sorry, I need to take this. Bill, what’s up? Look, I can’t talk now, I’m on the show. Yes, right now.
(he pushes gently on MARABELLE’S head)
Keep going, honey, you’re doing great.

Charlie, I’m afraid we have to keep going. We don’t have lifelines on this show you know, right? Right! Ha ha!

You’re right, sorry.
(he puts the phone away and settles back in the seat. His heart rate has not changed)

Great! Okay, the next question. What is the… (a buzzer sounds, over and over) Eleanor, I haven’t asked the… oh. Um, Eleanor?

[ELEANOR has moved around so that she and STACI are in a frantic 69. The sounds are due to ELEANOR'S use of her buzzer on STACI as a makeshift and surprisingly effective dildo.]

Ah, well, looks like the winner for tonight is… Charlie!
(CHARLIE smiles, but keeps trying to see past GONAD at what’s going on in the next seat.)
But you’ll have to come back in a week, Charlie, because next week is Celebrity Week here on “The Hummer”, where your favorite celebrities will try their luck to win money for charity. Tune in Monday night at 8 to see Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Carey and Dr. Joyce Brothers, and we’ll see what happens when they get…

A HUMMER!

[Theme music begins and credits roll. An insert shows scenes from the show: NEAL'S expression, ELEANOR buryng her face in STACI, the audience member being resuscitated in the parking lot, etc.]

Q: How old is masturbation?

A: Anthropologists have kept it under wraps, but the fossilized remains of the 3.5 million year old young girl found in Hadar, Ethiopia and nicknamed “Lucy” clearly show that she died because she was too distracted by an amazingly shaped 12″ gourd to notice the falling tree. Masturbation actually predates the opposable thumb, and may in fact have inspired it so as to better grasp the situation.

Q: Is it harmful to masturbate?

A: Despite the warnings given by religious leaders, worried parents and the guy that invented graham crackers, masturbation is only harmful in the following situations:
1. If you begin to blister.
2. If you aim carelessly and put someone’s eye out.
3. If you are standing on the edge of a precipice.
4. If it blocks you from reaching the autopilot.
5. If you use harmful accessories, such as cacti, explosives, Ben Gay, or live bees.

 

Q: Isn’t it condemned in the Bible?

A: A common misconception. The sin of onanism, which is usually what’s being discussed, occurred when Onan was expected to impregnate his brother’s wife, his brother having been struck dead by God that morning. Onan, a trifled freaked out, didn’t want to impregnate his dead brother’s wife (she was a woofer) and so he pulled out, whereupon God struck him dead, too. Most religious leaders since then have thus condemned the spilling of seed as being a sin, but to me it spells a very different and very clear moral lesson: don’t piss off God.

It’s worth noting that, at least according to the Bible, women can rub themselves silly without a qualm. And while there’s anti-gay prohibitions aplenty in Scripture, there’s also no injunction against lesbians at all, which suggests that, like many homophobes, God is a-okay with girl-on-girl action.

Q: But hasn’t the pope spoken out against it?

A: Yes. And look at him.

Q: Does constant masturbation weaken you?

A: Would constant sit-ups give you a flabby stomach? I rest my case.

Q: How much is too much?

A: Excuse me? I was distracted… Ha! Just my little joke, I did that before we started. Like any other obsessive and maddeningly pleasant activity, masturbation can only be considered excessive if it keeps you from leading a normal life, working a normal job, and driving the legal speed limit. Otherwise, feel free to fill your days and nights with all the physical self-love you can bear, taking time out for meals and the reapplication of protective grease.

Q: How many people masturbate?

A: Good question. I haven’t the faintest idea.

Q: Haven’t there been studies?

A: Sure. And it’s certainly possible that every single person who was approached and asked “Do you masturbate? Really? How often?” actually answered with complete candor and honesty. It’s also possible you could bite the nape of your own neck, but I’m not holding my breath.

It’s a certainty that not everyone masturbates. There will always be those with the iron will, rock-solid conviction, and/or total lack of interest that can resist going for their own groceries, and I admire them. Usually through their windows. But that’s neither here nor there.

If I took a shot at it, based on what I know of human nature and desire, I would guess that there’s a small percentage that doesn’t, a small percentage that can’t stop, and a whopping big load of people in the middle who do it in varying amounts, often on Friday nights.

Q: Is masturbation good for you?

A: It’s certainly been good for me, but I don?t think that’s what you’re asking.

Masturbation provides many helpful benefits (as opposed to harmful benefits). It relaxes you. It helps you learn what pleasures you, so that you can guide others. It serves as a low-impact aerobic workout, unless both feet leave the ground. It helps you get in touch with your own body and with your kitchen utensils. It allows you to tap off excess fluid to keep your body running at optimal efficiency. It keeps you from hitting all the people who really need hitting. And it provides you with something to do to while away boring hours that might otherwise have been used to do something harmful and detrimental to society, such as running for Congress.

Q: If your lover or spouse masturbates, does it mean they’re not satisfied with you?

A: Yes.

Wait, wait, I was kidding. No, it doesn’t. Probably.

People masturbate for many reasons. It might mean that your lover has an urge for quick release but doesn’t want to bother you, or that they’re not in the mood to consider your needs just then, or that they lost a bar bet, or it might mean that they just watched The Real Cancun and they need to do it right now, dammit. If you try to have sex with them, and they tell you nah, they’d rather go masturbate, then you might have a problem.

Q: You’ve convinced me. How do I get started?

A: Go to a quiet secluded place where you won’t be interrupted, unless you like that sort of thing. Run your hands all over your body until you find the areas that most like to be touched. You’ll find the most sensitive areas (apart from the crotch) are the nipples, the backs of the knees, the thighs, and the surface of the eyeballs. Caress and stimulate these areas until you begin to uncontrollably bark like a Chihuahua. Increase the speed of your caresses until your barking more closely resembles an Alsatian. Now it’s time to grab your goodies.

Reach into your pants and scope things out. Chances are you’ll find one or more of the basic sets of genitalia: the sticky-outie thing (penis) or the gooey-innie thing (vagina). To stimulate the penis, you can stroke it, rub it, pull on it, slap it lightly, roll it between your hands, trap it between your thighs, stick it inside something warm and soft (such as a dinner roll) and, frankly, just about anything else you can think of. Penises are easy. It’s usually a trick to get them not to orgasm, even during inappropriate times such as funerals or long-distance marathons.

Vaginas are tougher, for several reasons. It’s not clear where, how fast, or how hard to touch it. What works sometimes doesn’t always work every time. Sometimes it just quits on you no matter how excited you thought you were. And sometimes you discover that the vagina is really just the inside part and you’ve actually been poking around on the vulva instead, and then you just want to give up and collect stamps.

The most sensitive part of the woman’s fruit basket is the clitoris, or fun-button. It’s right at the top of the vulva, where the lips come together. No, a little higher. Right there. Under that little flap. No, over to the left more. Up… no, you passed it. Rest your finger here and let it slide… that’s it… no… oh, fuck it.

I suggest getting one of those pillow-style back massagers, or maybe a motorcycle, straddling it, and just vibrating the whole area in the hopes that you nail the little bugger.

I hope this has helped some of you, and I look forward to talking to you again next month, after you shower off.

Next week: Basic Sex Education, or What That Little Hole Is For