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Happy New Year! At a time like this, on the brink of an exciting year that promises new developments in science, world peace, and medicine, our thoughts are naturally drawn to one overriding question: how am I going to get laid this year?

And well you should ask. This all-important question is vital for singles and couples alike, for commitment and love and undying affection is still no guarantee of nookie. What’s needed here is a guide to help you along, and nothing fits a New Year’s celebration like a well-meaning list.

So here are twelve months worth of suggestions to liven up your sex life, whatever it may be. Use them wisely and well, and be sure to come back in 2005 and tell us about it.

JANUARY
The new year, the rebirth of the calendar, the beginning of a world-wide do-over. The New Year is personified by a babe in diapers, and that’s where we’ll start.

If you’re a couple, try infantilism. Dress one of you up in diapers and let the other handle all the feeding, cleaning, and whatever else comes to mind. Don’t neglect the natural sucking instinct. If the baby thing gets a bit much to deal with (and I admit baby powder can get expensive), just play babysitter.
If you’re single, try greeting women in bars with “Will you be my mommy?” Sit on men’s laps and suck on your thumb. Or just masturbate with a (warmed) bottle or a handful of Pampers.

FEBRUARY
February brings us Valentine’s Day, a day of love and desire and, mostly, candy.

If you’re a couple, you need drippy chocolate. Chocolate body paints, melted chocolate, chocolate syrup, chocolate sprinkles, anything to help you get sweet on your lover. It takes at least a case of chocolate syrup (24 oz cans) to get any decent quantity in a bathtub, by the way.
If you’re single, use Hershey’s Kisses as bait around attractive people of the desired sex. Tie fishing line to them (the kisses, not the people)(at this stage, anyway) and play your catch towards your hiding place. Or leave a trail of them leading towards where you wait with a bag of kisses and a free drink. Or just go buy the biggest box of quality chocolate you can afford and binge all month. Remember, there’s an extra day this year!

MARCH
‘Tis the month of the Irish, it is, and ye’ll be needing to honor that even if you were unfortunate enough to be born somewhere else.

If you’re a couple, get out and party! Wear green and drink up and enjoy each other until you get thrown out. If you’re a couple of the same sex persuasion, I’m sure there’s a parade around there somewhere you can crash.
If you’re single, there are tons of parties and get-togethers and brouhahas where nubile young singles are waiting for someone just like you, or at least someone just like what you look like after twelve beers. If not, McDonalds will have Shamrock Shakes again, so there’s still something to look forward to.

APRIL
The Easter Bunny returns, with candy and fun for all! Oh, and there’s that religious thing.

If you’re a couple, take turns hiding candy somewhere on your person and let your lover go hunting. Make absolutely sure you count the candy before and after, there’s nothing like coming up short four M&Ms to put a bit of panic in your play.
If you’re single, commemorate April showers by picking up a multi-speed water massager and celebrate Palm Sunday until you go blind.

MAY
This month you have your choice. Mother’s Day is on the 9th, and Memorial Day is on the 31st.

If you’re a couple, celebrate motherhood by nursing at every opportunity, especially in public. It’s legal, you just have to put a towel over your head.
If you’re single, try conquering a neighboring person. Plan your strategy, using maps and reconnaissance if advisable, and swoop in to claim your prize. Be warned that they may try to defend themselves and the U.N. will disavow your actions. If it doesn’t work, remember that May is also National Masturbation Month, and you are not alone.

JUNE
This time it’s dad’s turn as Father’s Day rears its paternal head.

If you’re a couple, it might be a good time to see just how disciplinary Daddy can be. I see spankings ahead, unless you’re really, really good…
If you’re single, commemorate Father’s Day by having paternity papers served on that special someone.

JULY
America (the U.S. part) is honoring its Independence Day. Shouldn’t you?

If you’re a couple, celebrate your independence by masturbating in front of your lover. Avoid using sparklers, no matter how cool it would look.
If you’re single, keep in mind that a lot of other single people will be out drinking and watching the fireworks and drinking.

AUGUST
August 6 is Asia Carrera’s birthday, and that’s enough of a reason for me to declare August Porn Month.

If you’re a couple, go shopping. Buy up every video or DVD that looks remotely interesting and lock yourself away in your bedroom for awhile. Or crank out the video camera and make your own!
If you’re single, you’re way ahead of the curve, here. Consider picking up some porn that doesn’t match your usual tastes. Who knows? You might discover a new kink! Or at least give the old tapes a break before they melt.

SEPTEMBER
This month the major holidays are Jewish. Rosh Hashanah (on the 16th), the Jewish New Year, is a time to look back on the mistakes and events of the past and plan for the future. Yom Kippur ( on the 25th) is the Day of Atonement when nothing may be done during a day devoted to reflection and prayer. So naturally you’ll want to get laid.

If you’re a couple, this is a good time to reflect on your sex lives, and to share the good bits with each other. Also, remember that “Rosh Hashanah” can be translated as “head of the year,” and act accordingly.
If you’re single, refuse to allow yourself release all day, no matter what happens, no matter how frenzied your self-groping. Plenty of time to orgasm in another 18 hours.

OCTOBER
Halloween! The best time of the year for adventurous lovers, since costumes and accessories are everywhere!

If you’re a couple, stock up on costumes and masks and makeup to fuel your fantasies for the rest of the year. Get your cowboy gear, your dominatrix outfit, your naughty wizard costume, and get your treat tricking, or something.
If you’re single, there are no better ways to get lucky than at a costume party where you can go hours without showing anyone what you look like. If you’re tricky enough, with some advance scouting you can dress up in the same costume as someone attractive and benefit from the confusion.

NOVEMBER
November is a time of thankfulness, a time fir family, a time for eating yourself sick. The possibilities in bed should be obvious.

If you’re a couple, give thanks to each other for all the good things. Then eat each other, and do a lot of stuffing.
If you’re single, give thanks that you’re not stuck with some psychotic serial killer boyfriend or girlfriend. Then go cruise the buffet restaurants.

DECEMBER
Whatever your faith, this is a time of giving and good cheer, especially if you’re in the upper tax brackets.

If you’re a couple, avoid the rampant consumerism and make each other homemade sex toys. Wouldn’t she be more impressed with a dildo you carved yourself? You know, you really can’t sand those enough.
If you’re single, try setting out a box at the office or at local hangouts labeled “Tits for Tots,” with a slot to put phone numbers to help the truly needy. Encourage your friends and coworkers to give generously.

Happy New Year! Go get busy!

If you have children in your house, whether your own, a relative’s, a neighbor’s, or as the result of a zany misunderstanding, there is one thing you know for certain.

They will find your smut.

It’s almost magical. No matter how well it’s hidden or disguised, no matter how well locked away or secure, kids possess the supernatural ability to locate, exhume, and display your stash of movies, books and toys within seconds, often at the most embarrassing times, such as during your in-home ministry services.

I discovered this myself, many years ago, when we failed to anticipate that my toddling son would consider anything that contained batteries to be his. We’d be downstairs in the kitchen and he would come stumbling down the stairs, holding a madly vibrating wand high and laughing about the “buzzy thing.” There followed a period of involuntary hide-and-go-seek as we sought to find better hiding places faster than he could gleefully discover them.

I’m not going to use this space to comment on the development of sexuality or society’s attitudes towards children and sex. There are many studies already for this, and you are encouraged to go with whichever one meets both your personal beliefs and the beliefs of your local law enforcement community. We went with our gut feelings and general “ick” factor and decided that while we didn’t want our children to think that sex was nasty or shameful, neither did we want our underage children to know any more about cock rings or “Sex Trek: The Next Penetration” than was strictly necessary.

Over the years of raising two bright and annoying inquisitive sons we developed methods of dealing with this issue, and some simple rules.

TOYS SHAPED LIKE BODY PARTS ARE HARDER TO EXPLAIN

Traditional vibrators and smooth butt plugs don’t look inherently sexual. Neither do the newer silicone, acrylic, and glass jobbies that resemble pieces of coffee table art more than any merely human phallus. And, more to the point, if you stick with those you don’t have to worry about questions like “Mommy, why do you have a great big rubber pee-pee on your nightstand?” coming out in the middle of family reunions.

Rubber vaginas and other novelties are a bit tougher to explain away on short notice. In fact, anything marketed with “lifelike hair” is going to be tricky to justify to the average preschooler. Unless you’re a medical doctor and might conceivably have a reason to have bodily replicas, you may wish to avoid such things altogether or invest in a safe-deposit box.

We found that a classic vibrator, stored in the same area on the headboard as our back massager, wooden roller massager, heat pads, carpal tunnel wrist support braces, and other obvious “old folks” stuff was perfectly camouflaged and still easily accessible. Lotions went next to the baby powder and the Tiger Balm. And our children have never questioned our keen interest in oblong sculpture.

DISGUISE THE PACKAGING

Store your blow-up doll in a box marked “Tax Returns 1985-92.” Hang your interesting leather garments on coat hangers underneath topcoats. Remove and throw away the box covers for all of your DVDs and videos and add your own labels, such as “Trip to Boring Gulch, New Mexico” and “The Wonderful World of Dental Hygiene.” If you make your own videos, make sure each tape starts with ten minutes of the movie “Educating Father” (1936, Jed Prouty, Shirley Deane) to discourage youthful viewing. Polaroids should be tucked inside “The Principles of Accounting, 4th Edition.”

Try and look at your room through the eyes of your child and avoid any hiding places that look interesting all by themselves. It’s no good to tuck your copies of “Hustler” inside the folds of a huge old blanket when that might turn out to be the perfect thing for a play tent.

Hiding your smut simply isn’t enough. No matter how carefully you’ve stashed it they’ll find it anyway, if they think there’s something to find. Just like with muggers and auditors, you want to make it seem as if there’s no reason to search too far or too deeply.

REPURPOSE, REPURPOSE, REPURPOSE

Even ordinary things can seem unusual in the wrong location, like when the neighbor children are playing hide and seek with your kid and want to know why there’s so much rope under your bed (hint: put a copy of the Boy Scout Handbook next to the coils).

Hide your feather teaser by putting it in a cabinet next to some Lemon Pledge. Whips become decorative wall hangings or part of a woven plant hanger. Nipple clamps go in the desk drawer, next to the paper clips. Cock rings go with the hair ties and scrunchies (unless you have a daughter who might borrow them, in which case put them in the toolbox next to the plumbing gaskets).

Even then, it’s much safer to use items that already belong in the bedroom for your play. Scarves are just as good as rope while being more decorative, softer to the skin, and much easier to explain. If you assemble your domination gear out of everyday clothing you may lose some of the psychological edge, but you also avoid the inevitable sight of your 8-year-old daughter coming to the dinner table wearing your leather hood and asking how to get the zipper mouth open.

An amazing variety of common household items can be used for insertion, as every emergency room intern knows. Old-fashioned alarm clocks (with the bell removed) make vigorous vibrators.

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT

Worst of all is the moment when your child first walks in at the wrong time. The “wrong time” might be defined as “the first time they see their parent acting like a crazed weasel in heat.” This is invariably frightening and traumatic, sometimes for the children as well. Here your best saving grace is fast thinking and good acting skills. Consider the following responses to be used as soon as the child is noticed:

“Eight, Nine, Ten! I won!”

“How’s it feel now, hon? Back all better now? Oh, hi…”

“Oh thank god! Quick, go get the snake bite kit while Mommy finishes saving my life!”

A calm head and some quick blanket work can do wonders.

How have you managed to hide your passions from your offspring? Let me know, because I’m running out of ideas…

For many years now I’ve been collecting funny quotations on sex, relationships, and other sticky subjects. Today I crossed over the 1,500 mark, and I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you.

Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes, and bring the cattle-prod.
Tatsuya Mihashi, What’s Up, Tiger Lily?

My love life is so bad I am taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.
Guy Bellamy

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen

I don’t think I’m gay. I don’t think I’m straight. I just think I’m slutty. Where’s my parade?
Margaret Cho

You’re young, you’re drunk, you’re in bed, you have knives; shit happens.
Angelina Jolie

You gotta think about it like the first time you got laid. You gotta go: “Daddy, are you sure this is right?”
Lori Petty, Tank Girl

So really, kissing is just pressing your lips up against the sweet end of 66 feet of intestine.
Ryan Stiles, The Drew Carey Show|

But in countless alternate realities, I?ve already slept with you, and it was the greatest experience of our lives. Can you afford to take the chance that this reality might not be the one?
Chris Bridges

Alyssa: For you, to fuck is to penetrate. You’re used to the more traditional definition — you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.
Joey Lauren Adams and Jason Lee, Chasing Amy

Use pumice on your tender nipple-buds.
Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name.”
Mike Binder

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted“sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’
Rich Jeni

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips

I am the Queen of Candypants. Do not dare question this. You must have blind faith and eat caramel-covered corn dogs in the dark while fantasizing that your face is my pillow.
Judy Tenuta, Judyisms

Of course it’s a female cheese! You want me to dance with a male cheese? That would be weird!
Gonzo, The Muppet Show

I watched a whole entire human being come out of there, and I realized that I would never again be the largest thing she had ever had. Very unsettling for the male ego. I mean, how could I say something romantic like “Here it comes baby, I’m gonna split you in half!” when I know for a fact how happy she would have been if the baby’s head had only been three times the size of my dick?
Chris Bridges

|If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Dave Barry

People say to me “You’re not very feminine.” Well, they can suck my dick.
Roseanne

Never go to bed angry, or on fire.
John Astin, The Addams Family

It may surprise you that I wasn’t very good with girls. Too smart. When I would play doctor, and “examine” a girl, I would often find an aneurysm. One time, in the midst of a particularly erotic physical exam, I discovered advanced hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
George Carlin, Braindroppings

We had the “protection” talk. We had the “cheating” talk. Always wear a rubber when you cheat!
Stacy Keach, Titus

Homer: “And someday, when Bart and Lisa get married, this’ll all be theirs.”
Marge: “You mean, when Bart and Lisa marry other people.”
Homer: “Whatever. I’m not paying for two weddings.”
Homer and Marge Simpson, The Simpsons

Are you kidding, I’m not gay. Look at me, I’m not in that kinda shape.
Drew Carey, The Drew Carey Show

I have some tricks.
I will show them to you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do.
Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat

Love is like a snowmobile flying over the frozen tundra that suddenly flips, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasles come.
Matt Groening, Life is Hell

I’ll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now — you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I’ll know you.
Groucho Marx, The Cocoanuts

I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.
Carrie Snow

I’m not kinky, but occasionally I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine.
Gary Shandling

I like making love myself and I can make love for about three minutes. Three minutes of serious fucking and I need about eight hours sleep and a bowl of Wheaties.
Richard Pryor

And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state which recognized their marriage as legal.
Jane Lane, Daria

I haven’t seen that much twine since that night in Tokyo in ‘68.
Sam, Sam and Max Hit the Road

I don’t know about this. I’ve never been seduced by Predeterminism Theory before.
Chloe Annett, Red Dwarf

I was an atheist right up until my first blowjob.
Chris Bridges

It’s the night before Christmas, and you’re panicking because you still haven’t thought of the right thing to get for your lover. Sound familiar? Either he/she is just impossible to buy for, or you already found the perfect gift and then they bought one themselves yesterday, or you bought a nice card and then you were digging through the attic and accidentally found the DVD player they got you, or you’ve been away from humanity for the last few months and you somehow missed the significance of the date. Hey, it can happen. But now you’re screwed. All the good stuff is gone, and it’ll take you 10 or 12 hours of driving, fighting through crowds, and committing violent acts on total strangers to discover that for yourself. So what the hell do you do now? How can you possibly find something that you know your lover wants, a special gift only you can offer?

Well, duh.

While there are always, thankfully, exceptions, it’s true that in most relationships there is usually one or two things that one person really, really wants the other to do that the other is uncomfortable with, usually for reasons of squeamishness, religious beliefs, or hygiene. What better time to take a deep breath, open up your inhibitions, and offer your lover the greatest thing they could ever ask for? Think of the love and trust it shows! Think of the closer relationship you’ll share! Think of the money you’ll save!

While I can’t pretend to know the hidden reluctances in your heart, I will offer tips on the two most common holdouts, and hopefully you’ll be able to take these tips and modify them to fit your own situation. Every loving couple is different, and not every person wants the same things. But I’m going to go out on a limb here…

HOW TO GIVE A BLOWJOB WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO

I can guarantee you that there are very few guys in the world who could receive an all-out, ball-busting, sheet-tearing, neighbors-calling-the-cops-because-of-all-the-goddamn-noise blowjob on Christmas morning and not count themselves fortunate. However, I can also understand why you might be hesitant to duck below the sheets. There’s the squick factor of his hairiness, his manly odor, putting that thing in your mouth in the first place, the fear of choking, the neck and lip strain, and the considerable problem of exactly what to do with the gooey, bitter, salty stuff that results. Yeesh. But all these things can be overcome, you should excuse the expression.

The trick is to give him more than he wants. What he doesn’t want is a reluctant and half-hearted attempt done through guilt or pressure (if he does, dump him, the asshole). What he wants is a miraculous change in your attitude that somehow results in you desperately needing to suck him off. Since that’s unlikely without angelic or Christmas ghostly intervention, you’ll have to fake him out.

The first thing to remember is that you should, at all times, present the appearance of someone who is simply dying to suck him off, despite all historical evidence to the contrary. Attitude is everything here. The way to start is to come in with a smile and a hot wet washcloth. Keep smiling at him as you bend down seductively and rub the washcloth all over his bikini zone.

What he’ll see: you lovingly getting him ready.
What you’re doing: getting rid of the excess funk before you begin.

If he’s still limp, now’s the time to show him your deep-throat expertise. Keep the eye contact as you gobble him up whole and swirl your tongue around the head. Suck as hard as you can, you might even enjoy the sensation. He sure will, but when he starts getting hard let his dick push itself out of your mouth so that you end up with just the tip between your lips and one (or both) hands around the shaft. Give him a shy smile and lick up and down the shaft slowly and carefully. Eye contact is important! Not only does it provide a powerful erotic charge for him, it also keeps him from noticing what you are and aren’t doing.

What he’ll see: you preparing to worship at the altar of cock.
What you’re doing: setting him on the fast track to orgasm with minimal effort, and providing him with the initial memory of his entire dick in your mouth, something that now need not be repeated.

Just before the licking gets too repetitive, wrap your hands around his dick and let whatever’s left slip into your mouth. Stroke hard up and down, keeping pressure on the ridge on the underside of his shaft. Moan a lot. Make sure that whenever you have him in your mouth that you keep at least one hand wrapped around his dick at the base, so you won’t be in danger of taking any more in your mouth than you’re ready to handle. Don’t try too hard to keep your lips tight, you’ll wear out too fast. Instead, keep your tongue firm against the underside of the head as it passes back and forth. If you have long hair bend low over him so he feels it brushing against his skin as you thrash your head back and forth, and so it masks the fact that you’re only actually taking an inch or so.

What he’ll see and feel: you taking it all the way down.
What you’re doing: stroking him so he won’t notice that you’re not really using your mouth that much.

Whenever you get too tired of bobbing, pull out and work some time-wasting magic. Use both hands to rub his dick all over your face and throat. Let your teeth graze him lightly. Spit on one hand and jack him off fast. Stroke him with one hand and work his balls with the other. Let one hand slide up his belly and play with his nipples while you nip at his inner thighs. If you’re sufficiently sized up front, wrap your breasts around his dick and let him go at it (with enough lubrication first, please). The idea here is that his balls are full of chocolate and you want it out right now! Keep it up, stroking concstantly, until you’re ready to bob some more, than wrap your hands back around him and go back to nearly sucking. Alternate as needed.

What he’ll see and feel: you going apeshit over the glory of his whanger.
What you’re doing: making him completely lose his shit with what he thinks is the blowjob of his dreams and what is, in reality, a handjob all dollied up.

When you think he’s getting close, moan with a little more desperation and stroke faster. When he starts to tense up, let go of him and run your hands over your own body for a few minutes until his throbbing subsides.

What he’ll think: you’re not just doing this to please him and get it over with, you’re getting off on it.
What you’re doing: letting him build up for an even more powerful, mind-blowing orgasm, which will be important soon.

When you think he’s had just about enough, really go at it. It is impossible to overact at this point. Stroke him hard and fast, let the hot wetness of your mouth drive him crazy, and keep running your free hand over yourself as you moan louder and more insistently. Right before he lets fly, pull him out of your mouth, grab his shaft in both hands, and start stroking hard while rubbing the head of his dick all over your throat and breasts. Comments like “Come for me! Come for me!” are good here. When he starts squirting, aim it at your chest and rub it over yourself like it’s the best thing you’ve ever felt in your life. Never mind the reality (it’s a hot gooey mess that will turn into a cold gooey mess in a matter of seconds), keep pumping him until you can’t get any more and then lean back, rubbing it into your nipples and smiling at him.

What he’ll feel: after the way you built him up, he’ll experience a knee-trembling orgasm that’s all the more satisfactory when he sees how badly you need his hot spunk.
What you’re doing: keeping him so mindless and worked up that he utterly fails to notice you haven’t even come close to swallowing anything.

After he’s done, clean him off with the still-warm washcloth, and wish him a Merry Christmas.

So. After all that, what can you guys possibly offer your lady as an equal token of your love and affection?

HOW TO PAY ATTENTION TO HER

Sit down next to her, look her in the eyes, and think about the game while she goes on about some clothing sale or something. Nod occasionally. Every now and then, listen closely enough so that you can ask an intelligent question, then go back to figuring earned-run averages in your mind. The most important thing to remember is this: do not assume you’ll get a blowjob right afterwards. In fact, don’t try for any kind of intimacy at all. Let her know that you don’t expect sex, you just enjoyed spending time with her and you’d like to do it again.

That’s it.

I know, it seems weird. But I promise you, she’ll love it, and you’ll get some next time.

Happy holidays, everybody!

Ladies, does this sound familiar?

You try and try to ask your man what he wants for Christmas. You hint and you wheedle and you watch for signs, but no matter how you ask he just shrugs and says some some smartass comment like “A blowjob, why?”

Isn’t that just like a guy? You ask him a serious question and he answers with some lame toss-off answer like that. Well, speaking for guys around the world, I’m here to reveal the sincere and honest truth:

We’re serious. We really do want a blowjob.

And so I’d like to present to you all the entirely plausible reasons why you should grant your guy a little Christmas cheer under the covers this morning.

- It’s cheaper than a set of tires.
- He was really, really good this year.
- You don’t have to worry about the United States Postal Service.
- If you don’t do it, Santa has to.
- You can probably talk him into giving you a backrub right afterwards.
- Who are we kidding, you can probably talk him into giving you a new living room set right afterwards.
- 10 minutes and your shopping is done.
- You don’t have to wade through crowds to get his gift (if you do have to wade through crowds, maybe you should rethink this relationship)
- You don’t have to worry about where to hide his gift beforehand.
- It’s a pretty safe bet that at least this year his mom won’t be able to get him anything better and outclass you.
- You don’t have to worry about your credit card balance, bank account or grocery money.
- You can make him make those weird little whimpering noises.
- His balls ring, are you listening?
- You don’t have to worry about getting him the wrong brand, the wrong color or the wrong model.
- Depending on your technique, you probably don’t have to get batteries.
- It’s one less gift you’ll have to wrap.
- It’s extremely unlikely he gave himself one before you could give him yours.
- It’s so refreshing to finally enjoy having one of your gifts returned
- You can put a ribbon on your own head and give him a “bowjob”.
- You don’t have to worry about whether or not he already has one.
- It’ll never be one of those presents he just pretends to like and then “accidentally” breaks the first day.
- You won’t have his entire family watching him open his present and muttering about it, unless you have an exceptionally open attitude about these things.
- You don’t have to keep track of the receipt.
- It’ll fit. I promise.
- You don’t have to worry about the online company going bankrupt before shipping.
- It’s the hot gift this year, like robot dogs, Playstation 2s and those damn scooters, and you don’t have to scurry store-to-store to get it.
- He’ll be much more relaxed when your family arrives and maybe this year you can avoid the traditional after-dinner “are you all fucking insane?” speech.
- You can go back to sleep right afterwards, honest.
- The Santa at the mall told him he’d get one.
- Away in this manger, there’ll be room for some head.
- You can use the extra cash for your own present.
- You can wrap red ribbon around it and make a candy cane.
- With any luck he won’t wake up until you’re almost through and you can avoid the inevitable cries of “Suck Dasher, suck Dancer!” and “Oh sweet Jesus, here comes Santa Claus!”
- If you wear those little jingly bell earrings you can get a sleighbell sound going for a nice holiday effect.
- You won’t see it for 75% off in the stores the next day.
- You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that for him the rest of this joyous day is all downhill, except maybe for the football game.
- Selfless giving is the true meaning of Christmas, so why not give him some.
- You get to eat the milk and cookies that were left out, with perfect justification.
- Every time you swallow, an angel gets her wings.
- You might get it back next year.

God, I hope this works…