In so many ways, female masturbation constantly gets the short end of the stick, as it were. Slang for a guy’s favorite one-on-one activity fills volumes, but how often do you hear good terms for what a woman does under the sheets? Fortunately, Hoot Island is here to save the day. Below are a variety of terms – some traditinal, some original, and some sent in by spirited readers. Enjoy yourself.

twiddling the twat
spot -cleaning the carpet
satisfying Suzie
muff maintenance
tickling your fancy
lady fingers and cream
attitude adjustment
flicking the bean
churning butter
reading lips
gully whompin’
pushing the panic button
digitizing
making soup
tip toeing through the two tips
the two-finger tango
romancing the rose
petting the pussy
frigging
exploring the deep south
stirring the taco
playing an accordion solo
deep dishin’
playing centipede
riding the rubber boyfriend
tickling the moustache
digging for clams
priming the pump
grinding the bump
rolling the mink
combing the brush poking the hairpiece
nothing else to do
stirring the cauldron “just reading, mom”
petal pushing
praising the orchid
rubbin the nubbin
pitching in the bush league
battery testing
the saddlehorn samba
dirty dancing for one
fingering the accused
petting the bunny
stroking the magic lamp
climbing mons veneris
hoodwinking
fingerpainting
flying manual (with hands)
flying automatic (with vibrator)
flicking the switch
the amazing disappearing finger trick
rosie palm’s big sister
primin’ the hymen
runnin’ your finger thru your hair
enjoying a little southern comfort
giving a noogie to your monkey
taking the sweet slide
oiling your holster
tossing the pink salad
sorting the oysters
powdering your nose
one-handed bridge
finger-walking to the “Y”
drilling for fish
waking the butterfly
tickling the tuna
finger dancing
having a sushi party
somebody’s got to do it
beating the bush
embracing the plastic age (vibrator)
riding the buzz bomb
muff ruffing
sinking the vibrating sub
dropping in the manhole
shooting the pink marble
riding the wild hand hitting the volume control
hiking the Grand Canyon
touch-toning
launching a class one probe playing with your gerbil
buttering the potato
clit-flitting
cunt-hunting
pussy-pushing
gash-lashing
pressing the escape button
riding the curl
flipping the breaker
making the oysters smile
stroking the snail
twiddling the toggle
firing up the digital special effects
entering no-man’s-land
tapping the keg
turning on the juicer
stroking the nether-beard
making bubbles
tugging at the vertical smile
mistressbating

A recent change in medication, a lot of kitchen redesign during the week, work on a friend’s house on the weekends, and a hectic summer schedule for the kids have all contributed to that inevitable and scary phenomena – the sexual dry spell.

Every relationship will have one at some point or another, but don’t worry. It’s not fatal. It just seems like it. It’s a good time to relax, to reflect on the pure and refined love you feel for your life companion(s), a time to bank the fires of your libido so that they may surge forward like a roaring, relentless wave when the time is ripe. Or you can rub yourself ragged. Here’s some recent revelations I’ve had over the last week:

I have a confession to make.

I’ve only had cybersex once.

It’s very intimidating stepping into a chatroom when you know that everyone is there has had way more experience than me. They don’t say anything of course, but you can tell, they know.

My problem is (big surprise) I can’t take it seriously. My initial gut instinct, when people start coming on to me in a virtual sort of way, is to heckle. Can’t help it. Part of it is because part of me will never be convinced that the person on the other side of that phone cord is really within 20 years, 150 pounds or even a gender of what they’re saying they are, and part of it is that’s how I react to seduction in real life as well.

It’s true. Aside from the occasional “ohmigod-we-have-to-have-sex-right-now” events, my approach towards foreplay almost always involves silly observations and playful behavior. And, frankly, I have a lot of fun, so I thought I’d share my cybersex tips with all of you.

Smilies and abbreviations – these little buggers really help get your mood and nuances across, and foreplay is no exception. Just look at how they add extra emphasis to these surefire openers:

You are so incredibly beautiful

I love you. rotflmao! I love you.

Keep prepared statements handy – Coming up with good lines can be tough when you’re fighting to reach the keyboard and the towel at the same time. I like to keep an open text file so I can cut n paste good suggestions as needed. Be sure to pause a bit before posting each response, don’t want to give it away. Be sure to always use different lines on different partners, insofar as you can tell. Warning! Do not open more than one document at a time! This can only lead to confusion.

HOTLUVR> Oh baby i can feel your hands running up my legs

WYYRD> I bring my hands up, barely touching the inner sides of your thighs with my warm fingertips and lightly, lightly, brushing the wispy hair with my thumbs to spread your mysteries as I delve to the treasures within

HOTLUVR> ohmigod i open myself fully 4 you

WYYRD> I smile and catch your eyes, maintaining eye contact as I slowly lower my lips to your hot sweetness. I feast.

HOTLUVR> o jezus thats good i love it

WYYRD> Dear Mom, How’s it going? Things are about the same here. That ointment you sent really helped, thanks! How long did it take Dad to clear up when he had this?

HOTLUVR> What???

WYYRD> what? o shit hang on I um I lick something

HOTLUVR> what the hell

WYYRD> BEST FREE TEEN SEX ON THE INTERNET!!! NEW - Tons of Naked Celebrity Pictures!

HOTLUVR has left the chat

WYYRD> shit

Maintain the pace – just as in real life, once things have started, never stop and say “brb”.

Be considerate of others – often cybersex happens when you meet someone in a public chatroom and the two of you take it “private”. Don’t leave your buddies out, surface regularly to provide play-by-plays of what’s going on.

WYYRD (whispers to BLKHART)> oh my love oh my god i can feel it building up inside!!!

WYYRD (to ALL)> yeah, she’s about there. Hey, anyone here from the east coast?

Go for quality over quantity – look, odds are good you’re never gonna last more than 10 minutes in real life even with baseball scores and naked Roseanne fantasies. Why should your chat go that fast? Set aside a good couple of hours, take the time to pick out someone appreciative, and go at it. This is just imagination and typing, people! You don’t need recovery time, you don’t need lube, you don’t even need to bathe first. If you’re a guy, give her all the attention she’d never get from you in the same room. If you’re a girl, you can take all the inches he says he has and love it!

Learn from others – you can get a quick lesson in how to seduce someone by letting someone seduce you just beforehand. Or even just slightly before, if you can type fast enough. Get two private conversations going and as your seducer sends you passionate convincers, grab ‘em and send them along to your seducee. If you could write a java app to do that automatically, you could get a reputation as a demon lover while you were getting a Mountain Dew at the time.

In times of indecision, go tantric – if you’re completely stuck for a good line, or if you really really need to go pee or rescue your hash from the dog or stand up and adjust or whatever, go tantric. Takes very little setup.

WYYRD> I pull you up into my lap as I sit zazen

SLUTBNNY> oooh, im a cowgirl! i wrap my arms around your neck and start moving

WYYRD> I hold myself immobile as you sit impaled

SLUTBNNY> yeh i’ll just wriggle

WYYRD> I prepare for the total mental and physical immersion of my self which leads to true awareness and a half-hour orgasm

SLUTBNNY> say what? oh yeh, im up for that!

WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (copy this line, at this point you can stretch, scratch yourself, and attend to business)

SLUTBNNY> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (use Ctrl-V on a PC or that little flower thing-V on a Mac to paste this in again, go check the microwave to see if the popcorn’s ready yet)

SLUTBNNY> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMo shit im feeling something

WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (check local listings)

SLUTBNNY> MMMMMMMUMMMMMMMUUMMMMMMM its never felt this good MMMMMMMM

WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (go find the remote)

SLUTBUNNY> OMMMMMMMYES! YEAAAAAAAAAAAGOD OH!

WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM HMMM? I smile. Ready to begin now, my love? (watch Battlebots)

So, you’ve mastered the Art of Love. You are inhumanly aware of your lover’s erogenous zones, personal preferences, and secret desires, and you know unerringly when to be sweet and gentle and when to get rough. Every sex act, no matter how quick or spontaneous, ends in soul-satisfying simultaneous orgasms, and you are both capable of holding each other on the ragged edge of sweet release for hours at a time until you can time your explosions with the slow rising of the sun.

So why are you getting bored?

Simple, really — you need contrast. How can you really enjoy the heights of sensual mastery if you never have a bad fuck anymore? You can’t truly appreciate the hard-earned mastery of your own body if there’s no chance of losing it thirty seconds after you unzip.

But how can you relive those feelings of helpless fury, lack of communication, and determined impotence? We’re here to help. What follows is a list of suggestions for you and yours to add to your godlike sex life as an occasional reality check. Just rip each one from your monitor and follow the instructions.

Ancestor Worship

It is an age-old guideline that if you want to see what your wife will be like in her later years, you have only to look towards her mother. Now’s your chance to show your lady that you’ll still be deeply in love and lust with her in her declining years by spending the day emphasizing how attractive you find her mom. Discuss her probable future appearance (”Honey, I just love those crows-feet you’re getting! Rowff!”) and make sure she knows that you don’t care what gravity is doing to her.
At the end of the evening, surprise her by ducking into the bathroom and allowing her to see the sexy outfit you’ve laid out for her: purple jogging pants, an oversized Garfield sweatshirt, support hose, a pair of those nurse sneakers, and a shawl. Make sure you call out her mom’s name a few times, too. Just think how relaxed and flattered she’ll be!

Ingredients: old lady clothes, old lady shoes, Vick’s.

Hail, Hail, the Gang Was All Here

You know what your husband likes, and you know know how he likes it. But do you know what one of the best parts of his sex life is, the part he doesn’t share with you?
Telling his friends about it. Nailing a righteous babe like yourself, over and over again, just isn’t complete unless he can lord it over all his friends. You wouldn’t believe the sheer pleasure he gets from being the absolute center of attention when all of his drunken friends hang on his every word as he describes exactly what you do under the sheets. And you can help! What better way to prove your husband’s manliness than by showing all his friends how lucky he is? Fuck ‘em all!
Pick a day when you know he’ll be out until evening, and then invite all his friends, one by one or in groups, to come sample what he’s been tapping. Just imagine how envious his friends will be, knowing that your man can get what they’re getting any time he wants!
That night, you can whisper to your man how much luckier he is than all of his friends, or at least all the ones you could reach. He’ll be bursting with pride!

Ingredients: a buncha guys, a few more, one of those “Take A Number” machines, a lot of beer, and one last guy, for luck.

Simultaneous Submission

Has your lady been dropping some interesting hints recently? One of the most compelling hidden fantasies is to be completely helpless and at the mercy of another for your sexual gratification, and this is a wonderful gift to present to your lover. But make it a surprise — some simple, fast-closing restraints can be purchased at any good sex shop or sub-code sanitarium, and you can attach them to the corners of the bed under the covers. Romance her all evening, seduce her into the bedroom as only you can, and lay her back amidst the sheets. Then, while she stretches languorously, swiftly snap the restraints around her wrists and ankles before she can react. As you stand away from the bed, I guarantee you’ll see the light of passion burning in her eyes as she tests the restraints one by one and smiles an anticipatory smile at you.
Disrobe, slowly, letting her fires build, and then quickly rush over to the closet doorway where you’ve attached four more restraints. Snap yourself in before you can react and then pull tightly until you can’t reach to release yourself. Now you’re both ready to enjoy the hot, pulsating explosion of complete submission.

Ingredients: A nice dinner, some mood music, eight scary-looking leather restraints, and an understanding neighbor within screaming range.

Tools of Power

Ever see that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks where Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and then feeds her right out of the refrigerator, not only exciting her but arousing every single woman in the theater? Why should your man miss out on this?
However, most guys don’t react as strongly to the sensual possibilities of food (although they do like watching you eat an ice cream cone), so you need to take them somewhere where they can feel comfortable in their surroundings as you startle and tease them with unexpected sensations.
The garage.
Blindfold him slowly and tightly, making sure he can’t see, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Now take his hand, run it quickly and lightly over your own body to get his interest, and then lead him into the garage. The familiar scent of grease, hot metal, and kitty litter should inflame his senses. Take his clothes off, letting your hands tease him here and there, and then sit him down in front of the water heater. Now tantalize him with the sensual touch of everything on the garage shelves until he can’t take any more! Pipe wrenches tighten deliciously, belt sanders provide lip-biting friction, the claw-end of a hammer offers some intriguing possibilities, duct tape can keep him where you want him, and you’ll be amazed what a simple Black and Decker electric screwdriver can do to that bundle of sensitive nerve tissue, the prostate. Keep some kerosene handy for cleaning up.

Ingredients: everything in the toolbox, an entire Sears Craftsman socket set, a wood vise, and the gallon size jug of WD-40. Yeah, baby!

My Little Hooker

Roleplaying is a great way to liven up your sex life, it says so in all the manuals. Wouldn’t you like to enjoy that heady thrill of picking up a strange woman for some no-frills, no-commitment, no-last-names fun? I’ll bet if you asked, your ladyfriend might be more interested than you’d think. She’ll have the excitement of being a mysterious lady of the evening, someone so sexy that men would pay anything for her, and in a perfectly safe situation. Let your imaginations soar!
Prepare yourselves separately and arrange to meet at a bar across town. Enter the room casually and order a drink, then look around and check out the merchandise. Hey, who’s that ravishing creature over there? Think she might be interested?
Flirt with each other at the bar and then escort her out to your car. You might be surprised how forward she is in the car. Drive her to a motel, sign in under a fake name while she watches and then carry her and the booze over the threshold. Do you notice the new edge to her arousal? Can you tell that pretending to be a wanton is just what she’s been wanting?
Once inside, close the door and lock it. Gulp down half the booze in one shot and then grab her by the hair. Rush her through a cold and heartless sex act, ideally one she won’t usually do, and remind her constantly that you’re paying for this. Now it’s time to break out the heroin!

Ingredients: one cocktail dress, a pair of stiletto pumps, 3 cans of hair spray, some quarters for the condom machine, and a fistful of crumpled twenties.

9-1-Wonderful!

A quick and easy one — want to make your man feel strong, animalistic, brutal? Today’s society prefers men to be gentle, sensitive, and calm, forcing your guy to constantly fight against hundreds of thousands of years of conditioning. Wouldn’t it be liberating to let his inner beast out, just once?
Help him realize his secret, unrealized fantasies of rape and sheer, overpowering, atavistic he-man behavior by playing it to the hilt. As soon as he walks in the door tonight, scream as loud as you can, claw him across the face, and run into the bedroom. Slam the door, draw the children close to you and call the police. If he gets in, make him fight for every pleasure. Throw all the fixtures at him, kick him in the goolies, and above all, never stop screaming. He’ll get an incredible rush of alpha-male dominance, briefly, until help arrives.

Ingredients: good lungs, pepper gas, a phone with speed-dial, and bail money.

The only thing better than copious amounts of alcohol is sucking that alcohol off or possibly out of an attractive human body. But be aware of the risks…

Disadvantages

1. Getting a hair in your drink is almost inevitable
2. Throwing your “glass” in the fireplace afterwards is more difficult and a felony in some states
3. Putting salt around the rim is rude
4. It’s a bitch getting the little umbrella to stand up right
5. It takes forever to get drunk
6. Parts of your body become flammable that were never that flammable before
7. Those little cocktail napkins don’t do shit
8. Pool tables weren’t built with comfort in mind
9. Real shot glasses don’t grab you by the ears
10. Everywhere’s a wet spot

Advantages

1. You might get to take your “glass” home
2. Lingering over your drink has never been more fun
3. “Chugging”, “slamming” and “pounding” your drinks takes on a whole new meaning
4. If you’re good, refills are free
5. Cleaning your “glass” is a hell of a lot more fun than it used to be
6. The booze always tastes better (with proper hygiene, of course)
7. “Fuzzy Navels” makes sense now
8. Getting fucked up at the bar is a real possibility
9. The view’s a lot better
10. Everywhere’s a wet spot