A recent change in medication, a lot of kitchen redesign during the week, work on a friend’s house on the weekends, and a hectic summer schedule for the kids have all contributed to that inevitable and scary phenomena – the sexual dry spell.
Every relationship will have one at some point or another, but don’t worry. It’s not fatal. It just seems like it. It’s a good time to relax, to reflect on the pure and refined love you feel for your life companion(s), a time to bank the fires of your libido so that they may surge forward like a roaring, relentless wave when the time is ripe. Or you can rub yourself ragged. Here’s some recent revelations I’ve had over the last week:
Type your cut contents here.
Masturbation with lube is much easier than without, especially if you’re going for the land speed record.
Hardcore magazines have made some changes in the last decade, and now it seems that every sex act must perforce include anal sex. While I can’t condemn this on the behalf of others, my own aesthetic tastes being what they are I find that if I flip through the first few pages as the act builds through the standard meeting-kissing-oral sex-vaginal penetration routine, then skip the next two pages and jump straight to the last page, I’m good.
There are more and more adult shops popping up around, but they seem to have the same old crap. I think they just ship it back and forth.
On the plus side, vibrator design has radically improved and some of the box cover pictures even look as if they were taken after the 70’s. Wow!
Pause buttons on VCRs suck. Go with laser disks or DVD if you want freeze-frame capability.
During a dry spell, flirtation and light sexy joking with friends and co-workers is still fine and dandy. Constant references to how long it’s been since you last popped one are not.
Don’t let pets in your room. No matter how calm they are in the beginning, towards the end they might think you’re having some sort of attack and either try to lick the source of activity or go for help.
Now’s the perfect time to work on your staying power and aim, when there’s no pressure or spectators. My teenage habit of stopping between magazine photo layouts to actually read the articles proved to be an excellent training method.
Never, never buy swingers magazines, no matter how hot the babe on the cover is. That will be the only good picture. Inside you will always find newsprint pages filled with tons of ads and grainy black and white pictures of your next door neighbor with a Rocky Horror wig on his head and a dildo up his ass.
Thanks to millions of horny old ladies with purchasing power, grocery store bestsellers are now rife with sex as filthy as you could desire, just perfect for those long waits in the over-10-items line.
If you’re the sort to record such things, a simple code can allow you to keep track in a journal or diary. Making marks on the bathroom wall is considering gauche.
Beware fast-forward buttons. I invariably scoot past where I wanted to be and waste a perfectly good climax on an exterior establishing shot of a condo. Now’s a good time to choke down and let ‘er idle while you wait for the good scene again.
Handiwipes can sting.
Streaming video is horrible to wank to. Who wants to get right to the point of bliss and suddenly Pam Anderson starts buffering?
Family members don’t take well to having the bathroom blockaded for more than an hour at a time, the inconsiderate bastards.
Unless your privacy is absolutely assured, choose a lubricant that can be quickly wiped off. Girl scouts stare at you when you answer the door wearing a towel and dripping olive oil.
Lock your door.
Holding a magazine open and flat is a bitch with only one hand, and dropping it in the toilet is embarrassing. I suggest using a music stand. Lightweight and won’t interfere with your aim.
Your kids don’t really believe that your “friend” is just a face massager. Face massagers don’t have fake veins.
If you get walked in on during a bad moment, pretend you’re having a seizure and motion for them to force a spoon in your mouth.
And an important one – when you step out of the shower, never ever forget which towel was last used where.
