Poem: The Marriage of Jim and Jane
Last year, Jane of Jane’s Guide went and got married to her long-time soulmate and partner-in-crime, Jim. Here is their story.
Gather ’round children, and pull up a chair
while I tell of a love and a whim.
For no tale anywhere could ever compare
to the marriage of Jane and Jim.
Webmasters they are, and lovers as well
and the web’s greatest guide they maintain.
But they decided pell-mell to exclude clientele
in the marriage of Jim and Jane.
They treasure their friends, they love all their fans
and a crowd at a wedding adds vim.
but this really demands more time than the plans
for the marriage of Jane and Jim.
Cuz Jim popped the thought in bed Sunday night
the next morning his love booked the plane.
and then Friday night they climbed on the flight
to the marriage of Jim and Jane.
Las Vegas they picked, that gambling town
a place that’s just packed to the brim
with girls hunkered down in their wedding gown
like the marriage of Jane and Jim.
There are chapels about, and bouquets abloom
and six-packs of sparkling champagne.
You can’t enter a room without hitting a groom
or the marriage of Jim and Jane.
The Clark County court provided the chit
and the chapel provided the hymn
as well as the bit where the guy does the skit
called the marriage of Jane and Jim.
Elvis was wed at that chapel they say
and the line stretched around the back lane
but the important play that happened that day
was the marriage of Jim to Jane.
They picked out their service, they tendered their fee
and she lowered her lashes at him
and they started to see the reality
of the marriage of Jane and Jim.
The minister there was a kind-hearted hack,
and the organ began its refrain
and with that attack there was no turning back
from the marriage of Jim and Jane.
No doms invited, no leather-bound men
not even a chained cherubim.
Just a couple of friends in a gambling den
for the marriage of Jane and Jim.
One other witness: the webcam was there
the wedding was public domain
so MizS could prepare shots of the affair
and the marriage of Jim and Jane.
The minister stopped, the service was fine
and their future was now much less grim.
Their lives were now twined more than leather could bind
in the marriage of Jane to Jim.
The video tape that was made was rerun
but how could they ever expain?
that the honeymoon one that they’d make was more fun
than the marriage of Jim and Jane.
A Niche in Time
Last week I got a sneak peek at some photos Heather Corinna was working up, including one depicting her in a full-throated yowl (they’re in her new gallery “Daiquiri”, at http://www.femmerotic.com/corinna.html, membership required to see ‘em all). I made some wiseass comment about wanting to see her nude performing opera and she turned around and showed me another pic that fit the bill. Even as I was appreciating a woman who doesn’t mind looking silly while she’s looking sexy (and Heather certainly raises the bar there), I couldn’t help thinking about it as a new porn site niche. Screaming naked women. Not screaming in orgasmic eruptions, you can barely click your mouse without hitting one of those. No, I mean screaming women, beautiful semi-clad women who look as if they’re entered in a hollering contest. I want it! So what if it’s a teeny tiny niche site, that’s still a sizeable audience on the Internet, where you just can’t shovel the porn out the door fast enough. There are sites featuring naked women rolling in zesty banana pudding, sites that feature women having intimate encounters with fruit products, and even sites that allow you to spank celebrities with a wet fish. Why not screaming? You could even have a subset of that, naked women who yodel.
As my ideas often do, this one kept going until it ran out into the street and caused an accident. What other minor fetishes are there out there that are under-represented on the Web? Just the thought of all those lonely people, their harmless fantasies unrealized, their hard-earned money going for useless purchases such as food and shelter when it could be going to m… to someone with the vision to give them what they so desperately need. Just imagine the possibilities!
Yu-Gi-Ah.com (formerly pokememon.com, formerly magic-the-slathering.com) – Women who love collectible card game collectors! There must be some out there somewhere, I guess, and here’s where you can find them! Teen model Darla dressed up as a Mystical Elf is hot, hot, hot, but nothing compared to the five women wearing the Mammoth Graveyard costume. Rawr!
Extreme Water Sports – Takes the formerly edgy and now passe fetish of water sports and pushes it into a whole new arena! Anyone can pee on their partner in the bedroom, bathroom or boardroom. Can you do it when you’re both in free fall at 6,000 feet? While doing a double tailwhip 360 on your BMX while jumping over a nude woman? Can you whip it out and drench your partner while snowboarding down the Alps? Let’s see you cover your lover in steaming hot piss while rocketing down the doubles luge run at 120 m.p.h.? Well, frankly, I suspect that if I was rocketing down the luge course I’d have real troubles not covering my partner with urine, along with anyone else wihin blast radius, but that’s not to say that some of you wouldn’t really get into the sort of thing that would just scare the piss out of anybody else.
Sex With heavy Machinery – What man can give you the thrill that’s only available from a hydraulic excavator, or the sheer unadulterated pleasure only possible with a knuckleboom loader? Join the BackHos, an elite group of women who go for the really, really big vibrators.
HotWetMitosis.com – Get down with some microscopic porn! Watch teen nympho cells divide like there’s no tomorrow! Go for the EXTREME closeup for a nonstop orgy of (comparatively) gargantuan proportions! Just in: new anaphase videos that show two unstoppable sister chromatids separating in a frenzy of slippery spindle fibres. Unbelievable!
MercyHump.com – Pathetic? Loser? Never see a woman that isn’t foldable? Never fear! Now there’s MercyHump.com, the online service that allows you to sign up for a small fee, in the hopes that a woman will randomly choose you and throw you one out of sweet charity. Sign up today! MercyHump.com makes no guarantees that any woman will choose you, that she’ll go through with it once she meets you, that there won’t be additional fees involved, or even that a woman will or has ever visited our site at all.
IrritableBowelBabes.com – Best left imagined, but you know it’s gotta have a live cam. Coming soon:DysenteryGirls.com!
RipeHotVirgins.com – Thousands of images of pure and untouched virgins. All clothed, of course. No sexual content whatsoever, in fact. It would kinda be pointless, wouldn’t it?
RoyalFamilySexFarm.com – See members of Europe’s ruling class in wild and unbelievable romps with barnyard animals! Okay, it hasn’t actually happened yet, but it’s only a matter of time, right? Better get the domain name now, before a squatter snaps it up.
The Guys of Playboy – Hot new website that features pics of all those guys that show up in the group shots during Playboy’s “Girls of a Buncha Colleges” pictorials. A special section is devoted to those guys for whom that one picture (where they were holding the college banner and making the thumb-and-pinky sign less than 25 feet away from where the girl was lifting her shirt) represented the highest point of their entire lives.
RonJeremy.com – Possibly the smallest niche site of them all, for people interested in seeing Ron Jeremy naked. What? Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…
Story: The Tall Tail
Two quick notes of explanation -First, I used to edit for Clean Sheets and we did an issue with silly articles. One of them was an example of one of our editors’ meetings in tall-tale form.
Second – Raymond was/is one of the proofreaders for the magazine, also known as the galley slaves. Whenever we got together in various chat rooms, horrible puns ensued. This was my attempt to punnish him once and for all.
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Raymond walked over, tea in hand, and handed Chris a Coke. “Never figured you’d be shy. You going to join the group?”
Chris accepted gratefully and made room on the couch. “Hey, it’s the galley cat!”
“I prefer “Corrections Officer”, thank you very much. Shouldn’t you be over there, reporting for Articles?”
“I will, it’s just that Jed’s report unnerved me a bit. It’s been a strange month.”
Raymond sipped once, carefully, before setting his cup down and turning back. “Begin. Omit no detail, however slight.”
“Okay, but keep it to yourself, the friction fiction people won’t believe it. It started a few months ago, really. I had met this couple online in the weekly chats and they invited me to watch them on their webcam, sort of a virtual menage a twat. They were incredible. Dick and Lisa. Both blonde, both gorgeous. Once I got there they set right to it — they settled into a 69, and then they started singing. Singing! I’ve heard of hummers, but they actually sang while they ate; she warbled on his weeble while he yodeled in the gulley. Weird.”
“I think I’ve heard of that technique, it’s called choral sex.”
“I guess it’s an a-choir-ed taste, then. They played in the bathtub for awhile and committed sudomy, then they got down to the gland finale. He attacked her with phallus aforethought until the “wow”s came home, and she rode him hard and put him away, wet. I have to admit I was getting a little too big for my britches and was considering logging off and offing my log, and then they invited me to come over and super-vice. Turns out they lived within an hour’s drive so it only took me fifteen minutes to get there.”
“What about your wife? I thought you were monogamous.”
“Oh, I planned to keep a civil tongue in my own mouth, but I’m allowed to look. I was just going to take a closer peek than usual. She wouldn’t mind, and she was busy anyway. She had been invited to a cinematic retrospective of a famous comedian.”
“Oh, so she had a Pryor appointment.”
“Exactly. I showed up and was greeted at the door by Lisa, who was wearing her one-button suit. I apologized to the damsel in disdress and made sure she understood that I was only there to offer vice advice, and I think she even believed me. As usually happens when a beautiful woman is around, Dick showed up. ‘Hey Chris’, he said, ‘ready for some pant counterpant?’ We repaired to the living room and I was offered the best seat, but I turned her down again. All I needed was a comfortable seat, a good view, and a supply of three-ply.”
“Weren’t you afraid of hurting her feelings?”
“Nah, she knew I just had a case of can’ts in the pants. Besides, I had been bragging about my sowing machine and I didn’t want to be exposed as a male fraud. Anyway, Dick was quintessentially tumescent and the big dame hunter was ready to go. They embraced and began some serious foreplay, something I’ve always considered the other 96% of sex. I’ll skip the details…”
“Hey!”
“…and tell you what freaked me out. He was doing some muff maintainance when he began to add some of his fingers to the mix. Two was no problem, three followed quickly, and it was apparant that he planned to be fister right. She seemed fidgetty but happy, but I couldn’t help it, I had to ask – ‘Geez, don’t you use lube?’ So help me, they both stopped and looked at me. ‘What’s lube?’”
“Wow. Talk about miss management! Didn’t he look before he lipped?”
“Nope, never occurred to them. I couldn’t believe it! All the action they had been figuring and they never thought to prime the pumper. I went through their house and pointed out all the things that could help out with their swap meat. Dick finally took an entire bottle of freshly-squeezed baby oil and hosed her down before he hosed her down. This time he had no problem lending her a hand and he quickly found that now, thanks to the lube, he could keep her at arm’s length. She was shrieking and moaning just like a woman being fisted, and she couldn’t get enough. I knew this because she kept screaming ‘More! Oh, God, more!’ I hadn’t guessed her for a religious woman, but there must have been something to it because when I looked back at Dick he was in over his head, literally. One shoulder was still visible, but Lisa still wasn’t getting enough Dick. It was like watching a snake consume its prey, only the prey was getting off on it. Atlas shrugged until he got the other arm in, and then he started wriggling like a breech birth in reverse. Lisa’s moans were making the window glass shake, and all I could do was just watch. I was petrified, in a localized manner.
“Shouldn’t he have tied a board across his…”
“It all happened too suddenly for safety measures, and at any rate her pussy wasn’t OSHA approved. By the time I realized I should do something he was gone, his feet disappearing with a slurping sound between her legs. Lisa released one last shuddering moan and then came violently, possibly from the fact that she had more Dick in her than any woman alive. It was incredible, definitely one for the spurt’s pages. Then she opened her eyes and looked at me. She had that ‘there’s more food on the buffet’ look, and she was still moaning.”
“What did you do?”
“I wasn’t planning on finding out what sort of glandstand play she had in mind, I got the hell out of there.”
“Can’t say as I blame you, but it wasn’t very gentlemanly of you, leaving her hanging like that.”
Chris smiled ruefully. “C’mon, Raymond. Everyone knows that the moanin’ Lisa belongs hanging in the lube.”
Parody: Porn Star (to the tune of “All Star” by Smashmouth)
My body’s pretty hot and I think I got a shot
I wanna be the girl on your screen
and the guy at Circuit City said I could show my titties
with the cutest little webcam machine
Well the hits start coming and they don’t stop coming
My web page rules, keep the memberships coming
If I wanna have sex, I do it on cue
I still get laid and you can watch too
So many friends, it never ends
and you’re all invited for weekends
Really want you to see me screw
It’ll refresh in a minute or two
Hey now, I’m a Porn Star, got my clothes off, come see
Hey now, I’m a Web Star, turn the web cam on me
and now I wanna show you
all my fantasies coming true
It’s a great gig and I hope it gets better
Just watching my stats keeps making me wetter
But my parents just don’t understand
the way they keep begging me to find a good man
I tell them yes, I completely agree
but it’s gotta be one that’ll satisfy me
so I keep trying ‘em, one by one
who’dve thought the internet was so much fun?
Hey now, I’m a Porn Star, broadest bandwidth, come see
Hey now, I’m a Web Star, turn the web cam on me
and I’m here waiting for you
if you’re twenty-one, come on through.
Hey now, I’m a Porn Star, double-jointed, come see
Hey now, I’m a Web Star, turn the web cam on me
I’ll show off what I can do,
teach that JennieCam a thing or two
Somebody once asked what I didn’t put in FAQs
Was there a single thing that I hadn’t tried?
I said yep, I hadn’t had sex
with the mayor and a string quartet
but you should all log in next Saturday night
Well the hits start coming and they don’t stop coming
My web page rules, keep the memberships coming
And all you need to see my ass
is a modem and AdultCheck pass
Gave up some poon this afternoon
And we’ll talk about it in the chatroom
I know my man will understand
Cuz I can type with just one hand
Hey now, I’m a Porn Star, here’s my girlfriend, come see
Hey now, I’m a Web Star, turn the web cam on me
I’ll show you all I can show
get your credit card, click below
Parody: Whorehouse Rock
As we enter a new era, full of the promise of better lives for all registered Republicans, we approach a slight bobble in the road: our new president seems equally interested in improving education for all and in stomping on birth control alternatives, which leads to a bit of confusion amongst health educators. What do they tell the kids? Do they mention it at all, and risk censure and loss of federal funds? True, such a sanction has not been passed, but the topic of “abstinence only” based sex ed has been coming up again and again and it takes a brave person indeed to chance being the test case.
Fortunately Hoot Island steps up, ready and willing.
We would like to present our own series of animated musical shorts that help teach kids the important facts about reproduction and relationships while at the same time remaining harmless cartoony shows. We haven’t hammered out all the details yet, but here’s the first one. Please let us know what you think.
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A couple of kids, ages indeterminate but they’re horribly cute, wander into their big sister’s room.
Boy: Woof! Sis sure had a tough lock on her door. Now we can dig through her lingerie drawers. But I wonder who that sad little blue tablet is?
We pan up to see a small round compact-sized box, open, with a darling little animated pill sitting on the edge. He is wearing a forlorn expression, and he begins, as all animated drugs must, to sing.
I’m just a pill.
Yes, I’m only a pill.
And I’m sitting here on this window sill.
Well, now your sister’s s’posed to take me
When she gets out of bed.
So there’s no repercussions
When she has sex with Fred.
But if she takes me she won’t be a mom
At least I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.
Boy: Gee, Pill, you certainly take your job seriously.
Bill: Well I have to. I can’t do anything about preventing disease, but I can help keep her from getting knocked up. When I started, I wasn’t even a pill, I was a bunch of herbs that women ate or stuffed or smoked to keep from getting saddled with a youngun. Some folks back home decided they wanted something more dependable, so they called their local biochemist and he said, “You’re right, there oughta be a pill.” Then he and his partners sat down and figured me out and introduced me to women everywhere. And I became a pill, and I’ll remain a pill until your sister takes me.
I’m just a pill
Yes I’m only a pill,
And she doesn’t need the medical bill.
Well, now I’m stuck here unswallowed
And she’s out on a date
Where she’ll get good and hammered and she’ll fornicate
And she can do it if she takes me soon
How I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.
Girl: But what if she doesn’t take you? Doesn’t she have any other ways to stop babies?
Pill: No, I’m one of the lucky ones. Condoms are too awkward and mood-breaking, diaphragms are worse, and teachers and clinics are afraid to discuss abortions because they might lose funding. If it gets worse I might disappear.
Boy: Disappear?
Pill: Yeah, disappear in the return of “morality” and “wholesomeness”.
Boy: Then what happens?
Pill: Then women lose control of their reproductive cycles again and they’ll have even more abortions..
Girl: Oh no!
Pill: Oh yes!
I’m just a pill
Yes, I’m only a pill
And if she can’t use me to prevent God’s Will
Well, then she’ll have to think of something else
She’ll have to use tricks
Like a back-room abortion
Or RU-486
But if she takes me she won’t be a mom
How I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.
Boy: You mean the government might try to tell her that she can’t control her own body?
Pill: Yes, that’s called being pro-life. She can still use rhythm methods, jumping up and down a lot, and prayer.
Girl: But that means she has to rely on luck or iron will power. It’s easy to become a mom, isn’t it?
Pill: Yes!
But how I hope and I pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.
A young woman runs into the bedroom, glares at the kids, and flops onto the bed.
Sis: No problem, Pill! I blew him!
Pill: Oh yes!!!
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Only the beginning of our new Whorehouse Rock series. Check back for the next ones, “Erectile Dysfunction, What’s Your Function?” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Tampons Here!”.
