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    Raymond walked over, tea in hand, and handed Chris a Coke. “Never figured you’d be shy. You going to join the group?”
    Chris accepted gratefully and made room on the couch. “Hey, it’s the galley cat!”

    “I prefer “Corrections Officer”, thank you very much. Shouldn’t you be over there, reporting for Articles?”

    “I will, it’s just that Jed’s report unnerved me a bit. It’s been a strange month.”

     Raymond sipped once, carefully, before setting his cup down and turning back. “Begin. Omit no detail, however slight.”

     “Okay, but keep it to yourself, the friction fiction people won’t believe it. It started a few months ago, really. I had met this couple online in the weekly chats and they invited me to watch them on their webcam, sort of a virtual menage a twat. They were incredible. Dick and Lisa. Both blonde, both gorgeous. Once I got there they set right to it — they settled into a 69, and then they started singing. Singing! I’ve heard of hummers, but they actually sang while they ate; she warbled on his weeble while he yodeled in the gulley. Weird.”

     “I think I’ve heard of that technique, it’s called choral sex.”

     “I guess it’s an a-choir-ed taste, then. They played in the bathtub for awhile and committed sudomy, then they got down to the gland finale. He attacked her with phallus aforethought until the “wow”s came home, and she rode him hard and put him away, wet. I have to admit I was getting a little too big for my britches and was considering logging off and offing my log, and then they invited me to come over and super-vice. Turns out they lived within an hour’s drive so it only took me fifteen minutes to get there.”

     “What about your wife? I thought you were monogamous.”

     “Oh, I planned to keep a civil tongue in my own mouth, but I’m allowed to look. I was just going to take a closer peek than usual. She wouldn’t mind, and she was busy anyway. She had been invited to a cinematic retrospective of a famous comedian.”

     “Oh, so she had a Pryor appointment.”

     “Exactly. I showed up and was greeted at the door by Lisa, who was wearing her one-button suit. I apologized to the damsel in disdress and made sure she understood that I was only there to offer vice advice, and I think she even believed me. As usually happens when a beautiful woman is around, Dick showed up. ‘Hey Chris’, he said, ‘ready for some pant counterpant?’ We repaired to the living room and I was offered the best seat, but I turned her down again. All I needed was a comfortable seat, a good view, and a supply of three-ply.”

     “Weren’t you afraid of hurting her feelings?”

     “Nah, she knew I just had a case of can’ts in the pants. Besides, I had been bragging about my sowing machine and I didn’t want to be exposed as a male fraud. Anyway, Dick was quintessentially tumescent and the big dame hunter was ready to go. They embraced and began some serious foreplay, something I’ve always considered the other 96% of sex. I’ll skip the details…”

     “Hey!”

     “…and tell you what freaked me out. He was doing some muff maintainance when he began to add some of his fingers to the mix. Two was no problem, three followed quickly, and it was apparant that he planned to be fister right. She seemed fidgetty but happy, but I couldn’t help it, I had to ask – ‘Geez, don’t you use lube?’ So help me, they both stopped and looked at me. ‘What’s lube?’”

     “Wow. Talk about miss management! Didn’t he look before he lipped?”

     “Nope, never occurred to them. I couldn’t believe it! All the action they had been figuring and they never thought to prime the pumper. I went through their house and pointed out all the things that could help out with their swap meat. Dick finally took an entire bottle of freshly-squeezed baby oil and hosed her down before he hosed her down. This time he had no problem lending her a hand and he quickly found that now, thanks to the lube, he could keep her at arm’s length. She was shrieking and moaning just like a woman being fisted, and she couldn’t get enough. I knew this because she kept screaming ‘More! Oh, God, more!’ I hadn’t guessed her for a religious woman, but there must have been something to it because when I looked back at Dick he was in over his head, literally. One shoulder was still visible, but Lisa still wasn’t getting enough Dick. It was like watching a snake consume its prey, only the prey was getting off on it. Atlas shrugged until he got the other arm in, and then he started wriggling like a breech birth in reverse. Lisa’s moans were making the window glass shake, and all I could do was just watch. I was petrified, in a localized manner.

     “Shouldn’t he have tied a board across his…”

     “It all happened too suddenly for safety measures, and at any rate her pussy wasn’t OSHA approved. By the time I realized I should do something he was gone, his feet disappearing with a slurping sound between her legs. Lisa released one last shuddering moan and then came violently, possibly from the fact that she had more Dick in her than any woman alive. It was incredible, definitely one for the spurt’s pages. Then she opened her eyes and looked at me. She had that ‘there’s more food on the buffet’ look, and she was still moaning.”

     “What did you do?”

     “I wasn’t planning on finding out what sort of glandstand play she had in mind, I got the hell out of there.”

     “Can’t say as I blame you, but it wasn’t very gentlemanly of you, leaving her hanging like that.”

     Chris smiled ruefully. “C’mon, Raymond. Everyone knows that the moanin’ Lisa belongs hanging in the lube.”