As we enter a new era, full of the promise of better lives for all registered Republicans, we approach a slight bobble in the road: our new president seems equally interested in improving education for all and in stomping on birth control alternatives, which leads to a bit of confusion amongst health educators. What do they tell the kids? Do they mention it at all, and risk censure and loss of federal funds? True, such a sanction has not been passed, but the topic of “abstinence only” based sex ed has been coming up again and again and it takes a brave person indeed to chance being the test case.

Fortunately Hoot Island steps up, ready and willing.

We would like to present our own series of animated musical shorts that help teach kids the important facts about reproduction and relationships while at the same time remaining harmless cartoony shows. We haven’t hammered out all the details yet, but here’s the first one. Please let us know what you think.

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A couple of kids, ages indeterminate but they’re horribly cute, wander into their big sister’s room.

Boy: Woof! Sis sure had a tough lock on her door. Now we can dig through her lingerie drawers. But I wonder who that sad little blue tablet is?

We pan up to see a small round compact-sized box, open, with a darling little animated pill sitting on the edge. He is wearing a forlorn expression, and he begins, as all animated drugs must, to sing.

I’m just a pill.
Yes, I’m only a pill.
And I’m sitting here on this window sill.
Well, now your sister’s s’posed to take me
When she gets out of bed.
So there’s no repercussions
When she has sex with Fred.
But if she takes me she won’t be a mom
At least I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.

Boy: Gee, Pill, you certainly take your job seriously.

Bill: Well I have to. I can’t do anything about preventing disease, but I can help keep her from getting knocked up. When I started, I wasn’t even a pill, I was a bunch of herbs that women ate or stuffed or smoked to keep from getting saddled with a youngun. Some folks back home decided they wanted something more dependable, so they called their local biochemist and he said, “You’re right, there oughta be a pill.” Then he and his partners sat down and figured me out and introduced me to women everywhere. And I became a pill, and I’ll remain a pill until your sister takes me.

I’m just a pill
Yes I’m only a pill,
And she doesn’t need the medical bill.
Well, now I’m stuck here unswallowed
And she’s out on a date
Where she’ll get good and hammered and she’ll fornicate
And she can do it if she takes me soon
How I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.

Girl: But what if she doesn’t take you? Doesn’t she have any other ways to stop babies?

Pill: No, I’m one of the lucky ones. Condoms are too awkward and mood-breaking, diaphragms are worse, and teachers and clinics are afraid to discuss abortions because they might lose funding. If it gets worse I might disappear.

Boy: Disappear?

Pill: Yeah, disappear in the return of “morality” and “wholesomeness”.

Boy: Then what happens?

Pill: Then women lose control of their reproductive cycles again and they’ll have even more abortions..

Girl: Oh no!

Pill: Oh yes!

I’m just a pill
Yes, I’m only a pill
And if she can’t use me to prevent God’s Will
Well, then she’ll have to think of something else
She’ll have to use tricks
Like a back-room abortion
Or RU-486
But if she takes me she won’t be a mom
How I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.

Boy: You mean the government might try to tell her that she can’t control her own body?

Pill: Yes, that’s called being pro-life. She can still use rhythm methods, jumping up and down a lot, and prayer.

Girl: But that means she has to rely on luck or iron will power. It’s easy to become a mom, isn’t it?

Pill: Yes!

But how I hope and I pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill.

A young woman runs into the bedroom, glares at the kids, and flops onto the bed.

Sis: No problem, Pill! I blew him!

Pill: Oh yes!!!

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Only the beginning of our new Whorehouse Rock series. Check back for the next ones, “Erectile Dysfunction, What’s Your Function?” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Tampons Here!”.