Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
No-fault sex
It has long been said, in different ways at different times, by travelers since the dawn of time, that “sex on the road don’t count.” It’s a way to justify getting some on the side that has no bearing on the relationships one leaves behind, with all the logic and empirical foundation of “hollow chocolate has no calories.”
It’s true, though.
What’s more, there are many other special circumstances during which sexual activity with strangers or others not your official loved one is okay, or at least easily explained. Here’s the full list:
Sex On the Road Don’t Count
No-brainer. Sticky encounters that occur during travels are, by their nature, transitory and cannot touch the sacred vows you exchanged with old what’s-her-name. Just make sure that you don’t let slip your real name, phone number or home town. This covers musical tours, conventions, and presidential campaigns.
Sex in Mid-Air Don’t Count
This was actually legislated for lengthy cross-country flights (nothing that can be accomplished in a 2′ x 2′ bathroom can ever mean anything) but it has since been used as precedent in skydiving and high-wire encounters.
Sex With Anyone Who Looks Like Your Lover Don’t Count
Obviously when you slept with that guy in Long Beach, it was because you missed your husband so much you just had to have him. But he wasn’t there, and that guy had the exact same mustache… This works surprisingly well, as long as your explanation stops before any variation of “…but he had a much bigger…” is said.
Sex With Someone You Don’t Like Don’t Count
This is okay because there is no possibility of an emotional entanglement that would interfere with your true love. If affection begins to rear its ugly head, break it off clean and stay away from each other until the loathing starts again. Lasting relationships springing from mutual antagonism only works in movies, sit-coms, and real life.
Sex You Pay For Don’t Count
In the same way that hiring a plumber doesn’t lessen your appreciation for your husband’s abilities, and going out to eat doesn’t mean you don’t prefer your wife’s cooking. But isn’t it nice, once in a while, to let someone else handle things for you, maybe someone that does what you need for a living?
Sex With Objects Don’t Count
How can a person be jealous of a device? Even if said device can deliver sexual satisfaction faster, more reliably, and for just pennies a day? Even if you’re addicted to said device to the point of carrying a picture of it with you and calling out its name during intimate moments?
Sex With Siblings Don’t Count
Don’t be silly, that’s just messin’ around.
Sex While Drunk/Wasted Don’t Count
How could it? You could barely tell your own name, much less the name(s) of the person(s) in bed with you. It don’t mean nuthin’, honey, really. Only she needs to crash on our couch for a few nights, she got tossed out of her place. That’s all right, isn’t it?
Sex When You’re Convinced You’ll Never See Your Lover Again Don’t Count
This can range anywhere from sex during a (temporary) break-up, to sex while stranded on a desert island, as long as it’s not with a volleyball. It does not cover sex while you’re separated from your lover by, say, a bathroom door. It does, however, include:
Sex When You’re Convinced You’re About to Die Don’t Count
The urge to live will express itself at any opportunity, and any life-or-death situation is guaranteed to evoke the urge to procreate and spit death in the eye (or wherever). How could anyone begrudge you your last chance at intimacy and human touch? Covers sex during ship wrecks, hostage situations, and the invasion of earth by aliens and/or demons. Does not cover sex had after your lover catches you and tries to shoot you.
Sex With Anyone in Your Chosen Profession With More Power Than You Don’t Count
Come on, that’s just good business sense.
Sex With Anyone Smaller, Uglier, Weaker, or More Neurotic Than Your Lover Don’t Count
Since they’re not any sort of a threat. I mean, look at them!
Sex To Avoid Imprisonment, Fines, or Punishment Don’t Count
Surely your lover can understand why you were on your knees in front of that cop, right? I mean, he woulda done the same thing.
Sex With Anyone For the Common Good Don’t Count
Sometimes you’ll meet someone so good, so giving, so beneficial to the rest of humanity without thought of thanks or recompense, that you just want to fuck them. This, in my opinion, should be allowed. Here I’m thinking firemen, Jimmy Carter, emergency rescue personnel, authors, adult webmasters, and so on.
Sex During a Historical Re-Enactment Don’t Count
Okay, I slept with this girl at the SCA event last month, but that’s all in the past.
Sex During a Dramatic Performance Don’t Count
The show must go on! Your lover simply has to realize that there’s no connection here, that it’s hardly intimate when 25 people are watching and taping it, and it’s not really you anyway, it’s just the character you play. Whoops, gotta go, it’s the gangbang scene! Love you!
Sex With An Old Lover You Never Got to Fuck the First Time Around Don’t Count
It’s for closure, or something.
Sex Intended to Publicly Embarass An Asshole Don’t Count
If you can nail an obnoxious public figure in such a way as to ensure the total collapse of their fame, trustworthiness and power base, more power to you, I say.
Sex In the Service of Your Country Don’t Count
A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. Does not cover rape, impregnating indigents, or Tailhook. However, it is included as part of your VA benefits.
Sex To Satisfy the Terms of a Bet Don’t Count
Hey, you’re only as good as your word, right?
Sex That Wasn’t Any Good Don’t Count
Sure you shacked up with a cocktail waitress. But she was terrible! NO idea what to do, smelled bad, used her teeth too much, and she cried afterwards. Boy, you sure learned your lesson, huh? And her sister was even worse.
Sex Had When It Was Incredibly Frickin’ Cold Don’t Count
If that’s what it takes to preserve your own life, you owe it to your lover and your family to do everything you can do to come back to them safely, even if it involves doggy style.
Sex With Someone on “The List” Don’t Count
Many couples have late-night conversations where each one confesses to an unrequited interest in another person. Usually someone unattainable, such as a celebrity or utterly disinterested acqaintance. That person goes on The List of People It’s Okay to Fuck, usually in an amused, tongue-in-cheek “you wish” sort of deal that may come back and bite you some day. If my wife ever has a layover in the same hotel as Johnny Depp, all bets are off.
Sex While Under Medical Supervision Don’t Count
Because it’s not really sex, it’s therapy. Especially if either you or your doctor can write a book about it later.
Sex Had While Appearing on a Reality TV Show Don’t Count
Apparently.
Sex Had in the Spirit of Adventure Don’t Count
If your lover won’t risk life and limb alongside you, they can’t take offense if you temporarily bond with someone who will. It worked for Sir Edmund Hilary, and for Admiral Byrd. Of course, they both nearly froze to death, and required teams of dogs and lots of special equipment, but still…
Sex With a Mythical Beast, Deity, and/or Supernatural Being Don’t Count
Goes without saying, really. No reason anyone could blame you if a being of indescribable might descends upon you and decides to take a little taste. It’s already resulted in a bunch of cool myths and at least one major religion.
Parody: Who Wants to Bang a Nymphomaniac?
Good evening and welcome to “Who Wants to Bang a Nymphomaniac?” Last week, the world held its breath as 50 pathetic women publicly debased themselves on live television as they vied for the matromonial attentions of an equally pathetic multi-millionaire. Knowing nothing about their prospective hubby whatsoever, save for his bank account, these women nonetheless stood up in front of God and their families and said they whore themselves for money. And you loved it!
Okay, you all gathered around in little clumps at work and talked about how horrible it was, and how FOX sunk to a new low this time, and how it typecast women as being money-grubbing and shallow and desperate to land a “good” husband and get a finanacially secure life regardless of their actual feelings for the man, and the guy picked a dog anyway, but the point is that you watched it! You thought the women were whoring themselves, but let me tell you our advertisers loved those numbers we brought in, so now it’s time for the shoe to be seductively dropped off the other foot as we play “Who Wants To Bang a Nymphomaniac?”
We’ve chosen 50 men, out of the millions who signed up in malls, subway stations, in clinics and at our web site, to compete to see who gets a year of ecstacy from our anonymous slut. The men know absolutely nothing about her, except that she’s beautiful and she loves sex more than anyone they’ve ever met. Let’s meet the lucky guys!
[insert tape of all 50 guys being introduced]
Aren’t they great? Now our nympho is going to select the top 6, based purely on their looks, enthusiasm, and perceived dick size. The lucky few are: Vince, from Brooklyn; Joey, from Indianapolis; Bret, from Los Angeles; Manuel, from Corpus Christi; Stephen, from St. Louis; and Steve from Tampa, Florida. Congratulations, gentlemen! Now we’ll ask you some random questions, to let our slut and her friends find out a little more about you. Steve, let’s start with you. “Intimacy”. If your new nymphomaniac wanted to share you with some of her friends, would you be bothered by that? Please choose
“Um, gee, I think I’d have to go with “b”, y’know, cuz I’m up for anything she wants if that’s what she wants, y’know?”
Let’s see what her friends thought of that answer. Ooooh, not too good. They liked being included, but thought you were way too wishy-washy about it. Today’s slut wants a firm hand. Okay, Bret: “Family”. Say you walked into your apartment one night and found your new slut squattin’ down on your dad. How would you react? Please choose
“Well, my father and I aren’t that close, but hey, anything to make her happy. I probably couldn’t keep her satisfied all by myself, anyway. Sure, “c”.”
Another mixed signal there, Bret. Seems they think she should be hammered by someone with a bit more confidence. Let’s move on to Vince. “Responsibility”. Vince, you’ve just come home from a hard day at work, only to find that your slut has been busy cleaning up the house and cooking dinner, and she’s kinda tired tonight. How would you react? Please choose
“Fuck all that, man. Not only should she drop to her knees right there at the front door, but I’m bringing home 5 of my friends from the plant for some hot twat action, and she’d better get busy!”
Wow! Not only was she impressed, but one of her friends came already and two others are already going at it behind the privacy curtain! Our nymphomaniac has signaled that she’d like us to cut the question and answer period down as she’s not interested in talking to the winner anyway, so let’s take a commercial break and let the guys change into their swimsuits while we hear a few words from our sponsors.
“Tonight on FOX News at 10: live footage of the newsvan we tipped over, an in-depth interview revealing the last few things about “Ally McBeal” we haven’t exposed yet, and how making sure you have right house numbers on your front door could save your family’s lives!”
Welcome back to “Who Wants To Bang a Nymphomaniac?” Our finalists are on stage in their swimsuits now, for the final judging. Steve is wearing silk boxer shorts, Stephen is wearing Speedos, Manuel looks rugged in his denim cutoffs, Bret and Joey wore the same OP shorts, how embarrassing, but Vince is getting the biggest crowd reaction as he has stepped out on stage butt naked. Vince, what prompted you to do this?
“Hey, what the fuck you think we’re here for, huh? She needs to see the meat, and I’m here to bring it to her! Check out this boner, man, I’ve been saving it for her, special.”
How truly inspiring and pathetic, Vince. Now, our nymphomaniac knows quite a bit about you, but you still know nothing about her, so here’s a quick clip we filmed earlier this afternoon: [insert prepared clip, with voice-over: "Our nymphomaniac certainly lived up to her name as soon as she stepped into the studio. So far today she's fucked, sucked, or rubbed on her makeup artist, the 65 year-old wardrobe lady, the entire camera crew, a good third of the studio audience, and me. I can tell you boys fro experience, this lady is gorgeous, tireless, and she can suck all the furniture out of a room through the keyhole." End clip.]
Now it’s time for the final selection. Each of you will be given thirty seconds to say one final thing to our slut before she picks one of you and gives you an around-the-world right here on our stage. Let’s go!
Steve: “Uh, I just want you to know that I hope you pick me.”
Stephen: “I know all the ways to make a woman happy, and I mean ALL the ways.”
Manuel: “Que? Donde la sta “Greed”?”
Bret: “Please pick me, because if I don’t get laid soon I’ll die.”
Joey: “You know you’ve already picked me, honey, so let’s go.”
Vince (stroking himself): “Hey, this’d feel a lot better wet! You got somewhere I could sink it?”
And here comes our mystery nympho — it’s two-time felon Stephanie Split! Stephanie is well-known to the Las Vegas area as a true slut, willing to do anybody at all, living or dead, and she’s famous for single-handedly taking on every single person at Comdex in 1996. Lets give her a round of applause, folks! Now it’s time for her to… um, well, it look slike she’s made her decision, since she’s already gulped down Vince. Oh, wait, she’s reaching out blindly for Steve and Bret, and Joey’s angling for the rear while Manuel…
That’s all we have time for tonight, but be sure to tune in next week when we’ll find out “Who Wants To Humiliate Their Spouse For a Steak Dinner?”
Poem: The Marriage of Jim and Jane
Last year, Jane of Jane’s Guide went and got married to her long-time soulmate and partner-in-crime, Jim. Here is their story.
Gather ’round children, and pull up a chair
while I tell of a love and a whim.
For no tale anywhere could ever compare
to the marriage of Jane and Jim.
Webmasters they are, and lovers as well
and the web’s greatest guide they maintain.
But they decided pell-mell to exclude clientele
in the marriage of Jim and Jane.
They treasure their friends, they love all their fans
and a crowd at a wedding adds vim.
but this really demands more time than the plans
for the marriage of Jane and Jim.
Cuz Jim popped the thought in bed Sunday night
the next morning his love booked the plane.
and then Friday night they climbed on the flight
to the marriage of Jim and Jane.
Las Vegas they picked, that gambling town
a place that’s just packed to the brim
with girls hunkered down in their wedding gown
like the marriage of Jane and Jim.
There are chapels about, and bouquets abloom
and six-packs of sparkling champagne.
You can’t enter a room without hitting a groom
or the marriage of Jim and Jane.
The Clark County court provided the chit
and the chapel provided the hymn
as well as the bit where the guy does the skit
called the marriage of Jane and Jim.
Elvis was wed at that chapel they say
and the line stretched around the back lane
but the important play that happened that day
was the marriage of Jim to Jane.
They picked out their service, they tendered their fee
and she lowered her lashes at him
and they started to see the reality
of the marriage of Jane and Jim.
The minister there was a kind-hearted hack,
and the organ began its refrain
and with that attack there was no turning back
from the marriage of Jim and Jane.
No doms invited, no leather-bound men
not even a chained cherubim.
Just a couple of friends in a gambling den
for the marriage of Jane and Jim.
One other witness: the webcam was there
the wedding was public domain
so MizS could prepare shots of the affair
and the marriage of Jim and Jane.
The minister stopped, the service was fine
and their future was now much less grim.
Their lives were now twined more than leather could bind
in the marriage of Jane to Jim.
The video tape that was made was rerun
but how could they ever expain?
that the honeymoon one that they’d make was more fun
than the marriage of Jim and Jane.
A Niche in Time
Last week I got a sneak peek at some photos Heather Corinna was working up, including one depicting her in a full-throated yowl (they’re in her new gallery “Daiquiri”, at http://www.femmerotic.com/corinna.html, membership required to see ‘em all). I made some wiseass comment about wanting to see her nude performing opera and she turned around and showed me another pic that fit the bill. Even as I was appreciating a woman who doesn’t mind looking silly while she’s looking sexy (and Heather certainly raises the bar there), I couldn’t help thinking about it as a new porn site niche. Screaming naked women. Not screaming in orgasmic eruptions, you can barely click your mouse without hitting one of those. No, I mean screaming women, beautiful semi-clad women who look as if they’re entered in a hollering contest. I want it! So what if it’s a teeny tiny niche site, that’s still a sizeable audience on the Internet, where you just can’t shovel the porn out the door fast enough. There are sites featuring naked women rolling in zesty banana pudding, sites that feature women having intimate encounters with fruit products, and even sites that allow you to spank celebrities with a wet fish. Why not screaming? You could even have a subset of that, naked women who yodel.
As my ideas often do, this one kept going until it ran out into the street and caused an accident. What other minor fetishes are there out there that are under-represented on the Web? Just the thought of all those lonely people, their harmless fantasies unrealized, their hard-earned money going for useless purchases such as food and shelter when it could be going to m… to someone with the vision to give them what they so desperately need. Just imagine the possibilities!
Yu-Gi-Ah.com (formerly pokememon.com, formerly magic-the-slathering.com) – Women who love collectible card game collectors! There must be some out there somewhere, I guess, and here’s where you can find them! Teen model Darla dressed up as a Mystical Elf is hot, hot, hot, but nothing compared to the five women wearing the Mammoth Graveyard costume. Rawr!
Extreme Water Sports – Takes the formerly edgy and now passe fetish of water sports and pushes it into a whole new arena! Anyone can pee on their partner in the bedroom, bathroom or boardroom. Can you do it when you’re both in free fall at 6,000 feet? While doing a double tailwhip 360 on your BMX while jumping over a nude woman? Can you whip it out and drench your partner while snowboarding down the Alps? Let’s see you cover your lover in steaming hot piss while rocketing down the doubles luge run at 120 m.p.h.? Well, frankly, I suspect that if I was rocketing down the luge course I’d have real troubles not covering my partner with urine, along with anyone else wihin blast radius, but that’s not to say that some of you wouldn’t really get into the sort of thing that would just scare the piss out of anybody else.
Sex With heavy Machinery – What man can give you the thrill that’s only available from a hydraulic excavator, or the sheer unadulterated pleasure only possible with a knuckleboom loader? Join the BackHos, an elite group of women who go for the really, really big vibrators.
HotWetMitosis.com – Get down with some microscopic porn! Watch teen nympho cells divide like there’s no tomorrow! Go for the EXTREME closeup for a nonstop orgy of (comparatively) gargantuan proportions! Just in: new anaphase videos that show two unstoppable sister chromatids separating in a frenzy of slippery spindle fibres. Unbelievable!
MercyHump.com – Pathetic? Loser? Never see a woman that isn’t foldable? Never fear! Now there’s MercyHump.com, the online service that allows you to sign up for a small fee, in the hopes that a woman will randomly choose you and throw you one out of sweet charity. Sign up today! MercyHump.com makes no guarantees that any woman will choose you, that she’ll go through with it once she meets you, that there won’t be additional fees involved, or even that a woman will or has ever visited our site at all.
IrritableBowelBabes.com – Best left imagined, but you know it’s gotta have a live cam. Coming soon:DysenteryGirls.com!
RipeHotVirgins.com – Thousands of images of pure and untouched virgins. All clothed, of course. No sexual content whatsoever, in fact. It would kinda be pointless, wouldn’t it?
RoyalFamilySexFarm.com – See members of Europe’s ruling class in wild and unbelievable romps with barnyard animals! Okay, it hasn’t actually happened yet, but it’s only a matter of time, right? Better get the domain name now, before a squatter snaps it up.
The Guys of Playboy – Hot new website that features pics of all those guys that show up in the group shots during Playboy’s “Girls of a Buncha Colleges” pictorials. A special section is devoted to those guys for whom that one picture (where they were holding the college banner and making the thumb-and-pinky sign less than 25 feet away from where the girl was lifting her shirt) represented the highest point of their entire lives.
RonJeremy.com – Possibly the smallest niche site of them all, for people interested in seeing Ron Jeremy naked. What? Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…
Story: The Tall Tail
Two quick notes of explanation -First, I used to edit for Clean Sheets and we did an issue with silly articles. One of them was an example of one of our editors’ meetings in tall-tale form.
Second – Raymond was/is one of the proofreaders for the magazine, also known as the galley slaves. Whenever we got together in various chat rooms, horrible puns ensued. This was my attempt to punnish him once and for all.
——————————————————————————–
Raymond walked over, tea in hand, and handed Chris a Coke. “Never figured you’d be shy. You going to join the group?”
Chris accepted gratefully and made room on the couch. “Hey, it’s the galley cat!”
“I prefer “Corrections Officer”, thank you very much. Shouldn’t you be over there, reporting for Articles?”
“I will, it’s just that Jed’s report unnerved me a bit. It’s been a strange month.”
Raymond sipped once, carefully, before setting his cup down and turning back. “Begin. Omit no detail, however slight.”
“Okay, but keep it to yourself, the friction fiction people won’t believe it. It started a few months ago, really. I had met this couple online in the weekly chats and they invited me to watch them on their webcam, sort of a virtual menage a twat. They were incredible. Dick and Lisa. Both blonde, both gorgeous. Once I got there they set right to it — they settled into a 69, and then they started singing. Singing! I’ve heard of hummers, but they actually sang while they ate; she warbled on his weeble while he yodeled in the gulley. Weird.”
“I think I’ve heard of that technique, it’s called choral sex.”
“I guess it’s an a-choir-ed taste, then. They played in the bathtub for awhile and committed sudomy, then they got down to the gland finale. He attacked her with phallus aforethought until the “wow”s came home, and she rode him hard and put him away, wet. I have to admit I was getting a little too big for my britches and was considering logging off and offing my log, and then they invited me to come over and super-vice. Turns out they lived within an hour’s drive so it only took me fifteen minutes to get there.”
“What about your wife? I thought you were monogamous.”
“Oh, I planned to keep a civil tongue in my own mouth, but I’m allowed to look. I was just going to take a closer peek than usual. She wouldn’t mind, and she was busy anyway. She had been invited to a cinematic retrospective of a famous comedian.”
“Oh, so she had a Pryor appointment.”
“Exactly. I showed up and was greeted at the door by Lisa, who was wearing her one-button suit. I apologized to the damsel in disdress and made sure she understood that I was only there to offer vice advice, and I think she even believed me. As usually happens when a beautiful woman is around, Dick showed up. ‘Hey Chris’, he said, ‘ready for some pant counterpant?’ We repaired to the living room and I was offered the best seat, but I turned her down again. All I needed was a comfortable seat, a good view, and a supply of three-ply.”
“Weren’t you afraid of hurting her feelings?”
“Nah, she knew I just had a case of can’ts in the pants. Besides, I had been bragging about my sowing machine and I didn’t want to be exposed as a male fraud. Anyway, Dick was quintessentially tumescent and the big dame hunter was ready to go. They embraced and began some serious foreplay, something I’ve always considered the other 96% of sex. I’ll skip the details…”
“Hey!”
“…and tell you what freaked me out. He was doing some muff maintainance when he began to add some of his fingers to the mix. Two was no problem, three followed quickly, and it was apparant that he planned to be fister right. She seemed fidgetty but happy, but I couldn’t help it, I had to ask – ‘Geez, don’t you use lube?’ So help me, they both stopped and looked at me. ‘What’s lube?’”
“Wow. Talk about miss management! Didn’t he look before he lipped?”
“Nope, never occurred to them. I couldn’t believe it! All the action they had been figuring and they never thought to prime the pumper. I went through their house and pointed out all the things that could help out with their swap meat. Dick finally took an entire bottle of freshly-squeezed baby oil and hosed her down before he hosed her down. This time he had no problem lending her a hand and he quickly found that now, thanks to the lube, he could keep her at arm’s length. She was shrieking and moaning just like a woman being fisted, and she couldn’t get enough. I knew this because she kept screaming ‘More! Oh, God, more!’ I hadn’t guessed her for a religious woman, but there must have been something to it because when I looked back at Dick he was in over his head, literally. One shoulder was still visible, but Lisa still wasn’t getting enough Dick. It was like watching a snake consume its prey, only the prey was getting off on it. Atlas shrugged until he got the other arm in, and then he started wriggling like a breech birth in reverse. Lisa’s moans were making the window glass shake, and all I could do was just watch. I was petrified, in a localized manner.
“Shouldn’t he have tied a board across his…”
“It all happened too suddenly for safety measures, and at any rate her pussy wasn’t OSHA approved. By the time I realized I should do something he was gone, his feet disappearing with a slurping sound between her legs. Lisa released one last shuddering moan and then came violently, possibly from the fact that she had more Dick in her than any woman alive. It was incredible, definitely one for the spurt’s pages. Then she opened her eyes and looked at me. She had that ‘there’s more food on the buffet’ look, and she was still moaning.”
“What did you do?”
“I wasn’t planning on finding out what sort of glandstand play she had in mind, I got the hell out of there.”
“Can’t say as I blame you, but it wasn’t very gentlemanly of you, leaving her hanging like that.”
Chris smiled ruefully. “C’mon, Raymond. Everyone knows that the moanin’ Lisa belongs hanging in the lube.”
