It has long been said, in different ways at different times, by travelers since the dawn of time, that “sex on the road don’t count.” It’s a way to justify getting some on the side that has no bearing on the relationships one leaves behind, with all the logic and empirical foundation of “hollow chocolate has no calories.”

It’s true, though.

What’s more, there are many other special circumstances during which sexual activity with strangers or others not your official loved one is okay, or at least easily explained. Here’s the full list:

Sex On the Road Don’t Count
No-brainer. Sticky encounters that occur during travels are, by their nature, transitory and cannot touch the sacred vows you exchanged with old what’s-her-name. Just make sure that you don’t let slip your real name, phone number or home town. This covers musical tours, conventions, and presidential campaigns.

Sex in Mid-Air Don’t Count
This was actually legislated for lengthy cross-country flights (nothing that can be accomplished in a 2′ x 2′ bathroom can ever mean anything) but it has since been used as precedent in skydiving and high-wire encounters.

Sex With Anyone Who Looks Like Your Lover Don’t Count
Obviously when you slept with that guy in Long Beach, it was because you missed your husband so much you just had to have him. But he wasn’t there, and that guy had the exact same mustache… This works surprisingly well, as long as your explanation stops before any variation of “…but he had a much bigger…” is said.

Sex With Someone You Don’t Like Don’t Count
This is okay because there is no possibility of an emotional entanglement that would interfere with your true love. If affection begins to rear its ugly head, break it off clean and stay away from each other until the loathing starts again. Lasting relationships springing from mutual antagonism only works in movies, sit-coms, and real life.

Sex You Pay For Don’t Count
In the same way that hiring a plumber doesn’t lessen your appreciation for your husband’s abilities, and going out to eat doesn’t mean you don’t prefer your wife’s cooking. But isn’t it nice, once in a while, to let someone else handle things for you, maybe someone that does what you need for a living?

Sex With Objects Don’t Count
How can a person be jealous of a device? Even if said device can deliver sexual satisfaction faster, more reliably, and for just pennies a day? Even if you’re addicted to said device to the point of carrying a picture of it with you and calling out its name during intimate moments?

Sex With Siblings Don’t Count
Don’t be silly, that’s just messin’ around.

Sex While Drunk/Wasted Don’t Count
How could it? You could barely tell your own name, much less the name(s) of the person(s) in bed with you. It don’t mean nuthin’, honey, really. Only she needs to crash on our couch for a few nights, she got tossed out of her place. That’s all right, isn’t it?

Sex When You’re Convinced You’ll Never See Your Lover Again Don’t Count
This can range anywhere from sex during a (temporary) break-up, to sex while stranded on a desert island, as long as it’s not with a volleyball. It does not cover sex while you’re separated from your lover by, say, a bathroom door. It does, however, include:

Sex When You’re Convinced You’re About to Die Don’t Count
The urge to live will express itself at any opportunity, and any life-or-death situation is guaranteed to evoke the urge to procreate and spit death in the eye (or wherever). How could anyone begrudge you your last chance at intimacy and human touch? Covers sex during ship wrecks, hostage situations, and the invasion of earth by aliens and/or demons. Does not cover sex had after your lover catches you and tries to shoot you.

Sex With Anyone in Your Chosen Profession With More Power Than You Don’t Count
Come on, that’s just good business sense.

Sex With Anyone Smaller, Uglier, Weaker, or More Neurotic Than Your Lover Don’t Count
Since they’re not any sort of a threat. I mean, look at them!

Sex To Avoid Imprisonment, Fines, or Punishment Don’t Count
Surely your lover can understand why you were on your knees in front of that cop, right? I mean, he woulda done the same thing.

Sex With Anyone For the Common Good Don’t Count
Sometimes you’ll meet someone so good, so giving, so beneficial to the rest of humanity without thought of thanks or recompense, that you just want to fuck them. This, in my opinion, should be allowed. Here I’m thinking firemen, Jimmy Carter, emergency rescue personnel, authors, adult webmasters, and so on.

Sex During a Historical Re-Enactment Don’t Count
Okay, I slept with this girl at the SCA event last month, but that’s all in the past.

Sex During a Dramatic Performance Don’t Count
The show must go on! Your lover simply has to realize that there’s no connection here, that it’s hardly intimate when 25 people are watching and taping it, and it’s not really you anyway, it’s just the character you play. Whoops, gotta go, it’s the gangbang scene! Love you!

Sex With An Old Lover You Never Got to Fuck the First Time Around Don’t Count
It’s for closure, or something.

Sex Intended to Publicly Embarass An Asshole Don’t Count
If you can nail an obnoxious public figure in such a way as to ensure the total collapse of their fame, trustworthiness and power base, more power to you, I say.

Sex In the Service of Your Country Don’t Count
A soldier’s gotta do what a soldier’s gotta do. Does not cover rape, impregnating indigents, or Tailhook. However, it is included as part of your VA benefits.

Sex To Satisfy the Terms of a Bet Don’t Count
Hey, you’re only as good as your word, right?

Sex That Wasn’t Any Good Don’t Count
Sure you shacked up with a cocktail waitress. But she was terrible! NO idea what to do, smelled bad, used her teeth too much, and she cried afterwards. Boy, you sure learned your lesson, huh? And her sister was even worse.

Sex Had When It Was Incredibly Frickin’ Cold Don’t Count
If that’s what it takes to preserve your own life, you owe it to your lover and your family to do everything you can do to come back to them safely, even if it involves doggy style.

Sex With Someone on “The List” Don’t Count
Many couples have late-night conversations where each one confesses to an unrequited interest in another person. Usually someone unattainable, such as a celebrity or utterly disinterested acqaintance. That person goes on The List of People It’s Okay to Fuck, usually in an amused, tongue-in-cheek “you wish” sort of deal that may come back and bite you some day. If my wife ever has a layover in the same hotel as Johnny Depp, all bets are off.

Sex While Under Medical Supervision Don’t Count
Because it’s not really sex, it’s therapy. Especially if either you or your doctor can write a book about it later.

Sex Had While Appearing on a Reality TV Show Don’t Count
Apparently.

Sex Had in the Spirit of Adventure Don’t Count
If your lover won’t risk life and limb alongside you, they can’t take offense if you temporarily bond with someone who will. It worked for Sir Edmund Hilary, and for Admiral Byrd. Of course, they both nearly froze to death, and required teams of dogs and lots of special equipment, but still…

Sex With a Mythical Beast, Deity, and/or Supernatural Being Don’t Count
Goes without saying, really. No reason anyone could blame you if a being of indescribable might descends upon you and decides to take a little taste. It’s already resulted in a bunch of cool myths and at least one major religion.