Parody: Who Wants to Bang a Nymphomaniac?
Good evening and welcome to “Who Wants to Bang a Nymphomaniac?” Last week, the world held its breath as 50 pathetic women publicly debased themselves on live television as they vied for the matromonial attentions of an equally pathetic multi-millionaire. Knowing nothing about their prospective hubby whatsoever, save for his bank account, these women nonetheless stood up in front of God and their families and said they whore themselves for money. And you loved it!
Okay, you all gathered around in little clumps at work and talked about how horrible it was, and how FOX sunk to a new low this time, and how it typecast women as being money-grubbing and shallow and desperate to land a “good” husband and get a finanacially secure life regardless of their actual feelings for the man, and the guy picked a dog anyway, but the point is that you watched it! You thought the women were whoring themselves, but let me tell you our advertisers loved those numbers we brought in, so now it’s time for the shoe to be seductively dropped off the other foot as we play “Who Wants To Bang a Nymphomaniac?”
We’ve chosen 50 men, out of the millions who signed up in malls, subway stations, in clinics and at our web site, to compete to see who gets a year of ecstacy from our anonymous slut. The men know absolutely nothing about her, except that she’s beautiful and she loves sex more than anyone they’ve ever met. Let’s meet the lucky guys!
[insert tape of all 50 guys being introduced]
Aren’t they great? Now our nympho is going to select the top 6, based purely on their looks, enthusiasm, and perceived dick size. The lucky few are: Vince, from Brooklyn; Joey, from Indianapolis; Bret, from Los Angeles; Manuel, from Corpus Christi; Stephen, from St. Louis; and Steve from Tampa, Florida. Congratulations, gentlemen! Now we’ll ask you some random questions, to let our slut and her friends find out a little more about you. Steve, let’s start with you. “Intimacy”. If your new nymphomaniac wanted to share you with some of her friends, would you be bothered by that? Please choose
“Um, gee, I think I’d have to go with “b”, y’know, cuz I’m up for anything she wants if that’s what she wants, y’know?”
Let’s see what her friends thought of that answer. Ooooh, not too good. They liked being included, but thought you were way too wishy-washy about it. Today’s slut wants a firm hand. Okay, Bret: “Family”. Say you walked into your apartment one night and found your new slut squattin’ down on your dad. How would you react? Please choose
“Well, my father and I aren’t that close, but hey, anything to make her happy. I probably couldn’t keep her satisfied all by myself, anyway. Sure, “c”.”
Another mixed signal there, Bret. Seems they think she should be hammered by someone with a bit more confidence. Let’s move on to Vince. “Responsibility”. Vince, you’ve just come home from a hard day at work, only to find that your slut has been busy cleaning up the house and cooking dinner, and she’s kinda tired tonight. How would you react? Please choose
“Fuck all that, man. Not only should she drop to her knees right there at the front door, but I’m bringing home 5 of my friends from the plant for some hot twat action, and she’d better get busy!”
Wow! Not only was she impressed, but one of her friends came already and two others are already going at it behind the privacy curtain! Our nymphomaniac has signaled that she’d like us to cut the question and answer period down as she’s not interested in talking to the winner anyway, so let’s take a commercial break and let the guys change into their swimsuits while we hear a few words from our sponsors.
“Tonight on FOX News at 10: live footage of the newsvan we tipped over, an in-depth interview revealing the last few things about “Ally McBeal” we haven’t exposed yet, and how making sure you have right house numbers on your front door could save your family’s lives!”
Welcome back to “Who Wants To Bang a Nymphomaniac?” Our finalists are on stage in their swimsuits now, for the final judging. Steve is wearing silk boxer shorts, Stephen is wearing Speedos, Manuel looks rugged in his denim cutoffs, Bret and Joey wore the same OP shorts, how embarrassing, but Vince is getting the biggest crowd reaction as he has stepped out on stage butt naked. Vince, what prompted you to do this?
“Hey, what the fuck you think we’re here for, huh? She needs to see the meat, and I’m here to bring it to her! Check out this boner, man, I’ve been saving it for her, special.”
How truly inspiring and pathetic, Vince. Now, our nymphomaniac knows quite a bit about you, but you still know nothing about her, so here’s a quick clip we filmed earlier this afternoon: [insert prepared clip, with voice-over: "Our nymphomaniac certainly lived up to her name as soon as she stepped into the studio. So far today she's fucked, sucked, or rubbed on her makeup artist, the 65 year-old wardrobe lady, the entire camera crew, a good third of the studio audience, and me. I can tell you boys fro experience, this lady is gorgeous, tireless, and she can suck all the furniture out of a room through the keyhole." End clip.]
Now it’s time for the final selection. Each of you will be given thirty seconds to say one final thing to our slut before she picks one of you and gives you an around-the-world right here on our stage. Let’s go!
Steve: “Uh, I just want you to know that I hope you pick me.”
Stephen: “I know all the ways to make a woman happy, and I mean ALL the ways.”
Manuel: “Que? Donde la sta “Greed”?”
Bret: “Please pick me, because if I don’t get laid soon I’ll die.”
Joey: “You know you’ve already picked me, honey, so let’s go.”
Vince (stroking himself): “Hey, this’d feel a lot better wet! You got somewhere I could sink it?”
And here comes our mystery nympho — it’s two-time felon Stephanie Split! Stephanie is well-known to the Las Vegas area as a true slut, willing to do anybody at all, living or dead, and she’s famous for single-handedly taking on every single person at Comdex in 1996. Lets give her a round of applause, folks! Now it’s time for her to… um, well, it look slike she’s made her decision, since she’s already gulped down Vince. Oh, wait, she’s reaching out blindly for Steve and Bret, and Joey’s angling for the rear while Manuel…
That’s all we have time for tonight, but be sure to tune in next week when we’ll find out “Who Wants To Humiliate Their Spouse For a Steak Dinner?”
