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English is a growing, changing language, rich in descriptive terms and poetic phrases. Despite what my high school English teacher kept telling me, this language has always stretched and adapted to meet the needs of its speakers. It can describe anything, and if it’s missing words that other languages have, it just takes ‘em! How cool is that? It’s capable of permitting simple, easy to understand instructions, as well as poetry that burns searing white lines across your very soul.

Not that it doesn’t have its difficulties. English is one of the hardest languages to learn – it’s the result of mixing several different languages, each with their own rules and usages, with the grammar rules from Latin nailed on top. Hey, any language that contains phrases such as “I could care less” and “I couldn’t care less” and have them mean the same damn thing can’t be all bad. And why isn’t “oxes” the plural of “ox” or “foxen” the plural of “fox”?. But I still have a healthy respect for English and its usage, and the only real complaint I have is that people are using less and less imagination in their smut.

Have you ever read erotic stories from a few hundred years back? Sure, you could find plenty of “fucks” and “cunts” and “cocks” amidst all the general friking and caning, but you could also find long, flowery descriptions of torrential explosions of love-matches, resulting in bursts of rapturous extacy. And, really, aren’t you just a little bored with hearing the same old things, night after night? “I’m coming!”, “Harder, harder!” and “Fuck me ragged, your holiness!” Try sprinkling some Victorian phrases into your bed-talk and watch your lover come alive, or at least stare at you funny. Ask her to spread wide the honey’d vermillion lips of her cunny, or demand that he lay you to waste with his impudent spearthrust of a weapon. Tell the guys on the golf course how she lowered her haunches upon your mast! Brag to the girls at the office how he loosed your stays and laid your milky-white bosom bare so that it was if a new light had come into the room! If you can type fast enough, you can easily outclass anybody elkse in your sexchat (I am engorg’d with your tender morsel; redouble your efforts and stir my vitals, lest I swoon! )

Here’s a quick guide:

For some quick samples, be sure to visit Hoot Island’s service, the Victorian Sex Cry Generator. Guaranteed to tease forth the effusive elixirs of physical rapture from your lover’s very innards or your money back!

What are you looking at?

Pop the tape
Pop the tape
porn, PORN, porn
porn, PORN, porn

Home alone, every night it’s all the same thing
There’s no one out there for you (you’re home alone)
You try everything you can to pretend
That you’ve got someone to screw (someone to screw)

When it gets too much and you have to see
Naked people getting it on
I know a way where you can get it all
It’s called a porno, and it’s a lot of fun, so

Rent some, porn
Just pretend that you’re inside there (you’re inside there)
Unh, unh, unh
Rent some, porn
Let your hands just go where they want to (where they want to)
No one knows you do it

All you need is a good remote control,
Some lube so you don’t get sore (you don’t get sore)
Soft towels, maybe a whole box of Kleenex
And be sure to lock all your doors! (lock all your doors!)

It makes no difference if you’re dull or gross
It you’re a dweeb or a nerd
When your hand is pumping you can be who you like
You’re a cheerleader, or, maybe a whore, you know it

Rent some, porn
Just pretend that she really wants you (she really wants you)
Unh, unh, yeah
Rent some, porn
Let your semen go with the flow (go with the flow)
No one knows you do it

Sex is in your tv screen
No one there is cruel or mean
When the lights are turned down low
That’s when you pretend that you’re Rob Lowe
There you go, tally-ho
So get up off your knees and

Rent some, porn
Just pretend that that’s your dick there (that’s your dick there)
Unh, unh, damn
Rent some, porn
Don’t forget to stroke with the grain (stroke with the grain)
No one knows you do it

Porn, (porn)
Just do what you have to (she really wants you)
Porn, (porn)
Just do what you have to (stroke with the grain)
Vogue, (Vogue)

(Spoken)
Jenna Jameson, and Mai Lin
Seka, Amber, Ginger Lynn
Keischa, Janet Littledove
they’re the ones we love to love

Nina Hartley, Rhonda Jo
I know where I want to go
Peter North and Thomas, Paul
Asia Carrera did ‘em all

They had tits, they had tongue
Traci Lords was just too young
Houston, Madison, Tara too
Hyapatia, we love you

They’re all right there in the nude,
Waiting, hoping to be screwed
Don’t just hold it, get to yanking
Lock your knees and keep on wanking

Porn, porn

Oooh, you’ve got to
Keep rewinding to the good scene
Oooh, you’ve got to just
Make pretend that you are Charlie Sheen
Oooh, you’ve got to get
Porn

Boys and girls, tonight I feel the need to defend a personal hero. He’s meant a lot to me, he’s taught me many valuable lessons in life about interpersonal relationships, power struggles, and romance, I look to his example almost every day of my life, and now he has been attacked.

Boys and girls, Bugs Bunny is not sexist.

Some lady in Canada thinks he is, though. In 1999 she complained to the Canadian Broadcasting Company that she felt the lovable cartoon character had made a “deeply misogynistic comment”.

The cartoon in question was the classic short “Bewitched Bunny”, where Bugs escapes from June Foray by heaving a bag of magic powder at her. She is transformed into a sexy female bunny, and as the two of them walk off into the sunset, Bugs turns to the audience and says, “Ah sure, I know. But aren’t they all witches inside?”

Heady stuff. The woman wrote a letter to the president of Canada’s Global Television channel and requested a televised apology to the women viewers. He, politely and with respect, blew her off. She moved on to complain to the broadcasting-standards council, saying “…this cartoon is offensive not only to women, but it gives a wrong idea of women to impressionable children – women are evil inside.” The council bounced her complaint (politely), and stated that they could find nothing in the “demeanor of Bugs Bunny or any other character or element of the episode of the “Bugs Bunny and Tweety” show which suggests a program attitude which could be broadly interpreted as constituting ‘negative or degrading comments on the role and nature of women.’.

A couple thoughts strike me right off:

Sat down and I got online
Heard the modem squealin’, I was feeling fine
Everyone’s asleep and they’ll never know
That I’m grabbing dirty pictures fast as I can GO:

Porn in the CDA., there’s still porn in the CDA
Check out the porn in the CDA, porn in the CDA

Nuthin wrong with a fantasy
But Congress knows what’s good for me
Gonna legislate reality
Gonna save me til I’m 23

Porn in the CDA…

Click on a site and it wants my age
Needs a credit card ‘fore it gives a page
Didn’t know that there would be a quiz
Lucky I remember where my dad keeps his

They can’t keep me out of there
Are they unaware
Newsgroups are everywhere?
Overseas sites have pictures to spare
I’m just so glad that my congressman cares now

They blocked the sites to try and teach me self control
At least I guess that was their ultimate goal
If I want smut I’ll have to resort
To re-reading Kenneth Starr’s report

Porn in the CDA, I want porn in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, I’m a red hot surfer in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, Porn in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, I’m a hard-clickin’ surfer in the CDA

(with apologies to Bruce Springsteen and the American people…)

   “Hi, Joe.”

    ”Hey, Bill. Beer?”

    “Thanks. Say, who looks desperate and non-judgemental tonight?”