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Script: The Sex Scene
See, awhile back I took a shot at writing a porn script since I didn’t feel my writing resume would look complete without it. To date it has not been filmed and I figured I had to put it somewhere, so…
Cast: ================================================ FADE IN: Dressing Room Interior The room has a couch, a basic vanity and mirror and a makeup chair. It’s 5:30 am and PAMELA, wearing a bathrobe, is looking at herself in a makeup mirror. Her makeup artist, STACI, appears behind her. PAMELA sighs deeply, nods and drops the robe. STACI looks her over approvingly. STACI starts applying makeup to PAMELA. DISSOLVE TO: Bathroom Interior DEREK is shaving. He’s acting a bit nervous. JACKIE enters in a silky teddy. He rinses off and puts on lotion. DEREK scowls at her, then suddenly realizes something. Her voice FADES as we hold on DEREK’s daydreaming face in the mirror and DISSOLVE TO: Same Dressing Room MUSIC RISES as we cut back and forth through various erotic scenes of STACI applying makeup to PAMELA. Nothing overtly sexual between the two, STACI stays professional, but it’s a good chance to show off PAMELA’s body in detail. FADE IN and OUT on each one with the camera moving constantly for a dream-like effect (not too fast though, puking ruins the mood) CUT TO: Same Bathroom DEREK shakes himself out of his daydream. She opens her gown (or whatever) and shows off her breasts. DEREK looks briefly and then starts brushing his hair. She runs her hands over him and tries to get him interested. He responds briefly but breaks away anyway. He kisses her quickly and leaves. JACKIE crosses her arms and leans back against the sink. CUT TO: Same Dressing Room PAMELA is laying back in a makeup chair, noticeably skittish. STACI is working on PAMELA’S legs. STACI stands up and looks down at her. PAMELA tries to relax and compose herself. She closes her eyes, whereupon STACI ducks her head down and simultaneously takes one of PAMELA’s nipples in her mouth while she runs her hand down between PAMELA’s legs. PAMELA jumps and tries to stop her but finally gives in. STACI, using just her fingers, builds PAMELA up to a killer orgasm but stops short and pulls away, breathing hard. From PAMELA’s wide-eyed and slowly smiling face we … CUT TO: Soundstage Interior The soundstage has a typical executive doctor’s office on it, big desk, bookshelves, etc. The set is darkened. BILLY the producer/director and JIM the cameraman are looking it over when DEREK arrives carrying a script, closely followed by PAMELA and STACI, both still giggling. DEREK and PAMELA are dressed appropriately. They look at each other and nod bravely. Jim nods. DEREK sits behind the desk and puts his script in the drawer. PAMELA and STACI back out of the way and JIM steps up to the camera. DEREK rubs his hands over his face and slumps in his chair, in the shadows. We hold on him for a second when suddenly the lights come on. He jerks his head up as PAMELA walks up to his desk. Throughout the filming, we can see shots of BILLY and STACI watching. Both PAMELA and DEREK overact, just slightly. PAMELA stalks around to the side of his desk as DEREK stands to face her. They stand still for a second, then grab each other in a passionate kiss. Behind the cameras, BILLY pumps his arm and mouths “Yes!”. STACI nods encouragement. The kissing becomes more frantic and they begin pulling at each other’s clothes, never letting up on the kiss. DEREK pulls open PAMELA’S blouse and her bra in quick succession, then stops and gazes at her as we see a bit of DEREK’S own reactions entering into his acting. They pull off whatever clothing is in the way and start actually fucking. The door closes and BILLY stands with his back against it for a moment, then grins and goes to the camera himself to continue filming. He turns around but no one’s in the room with them. They laugh nervously and kiss again. Behind them the cameras are empty. CUT TO: Billy’s Office, Interior Cluttered office with a desk, wall clock, large cabinets, several monitors and VCRs and an editing station. JIM is watching dailies when BILLY runs in and slams the door. BILLY is holding the tapes. CUT TO: Same Dressing Room STACI is leaning on the vanity, breathing hard, obviously turned on. PAMELA walks in, shuts the door carefully and turns slowly to look at STACI. They both SCREAM delightedly, run to each other and sit on the couch. The next few lines are fast and at the same time. STACI starts kissing PAMELA. By this point PAMELA will go along with anything, it’s been that kind of a day. STACI eases PAMELA’S panties down and gets between her legs. They work into a sizzling girl-girl scene which develops into PAMELA telling STACI what happened and demonstrating (ad-lib). DISSOLVE TO: Derek’s House Exterior DEREK pulls into his driveway and gets out. He hesitates before he heads inside, obviously bothered. CUT TO: Hallway Interior STACI walks along happily, heading home, but stops when she hears BILLY’S voice coming from his office. She eavesdrops. CUT TO: Living Room Interior JACKIE is sitting on a couch holding a phone. JACKIE hangs up quickly as DEREK comes in. He walks past her and gets a drink. She smiles evilly and comes up behind him. They begin kissing. DISSOLVE TO: Billy’s Office Interior JIM is copying the tapes when STACI walks in. He jumps and tries to hide what he’s doing. STACI walks over and hits the play button. We HEAR the MOANS, etc. from DEREK and PAMELA. They watch for a moment, both of them getting noticeably fidgety. JIM starts fidgetting and rubbing himself and STACI notices. JIM shyly unzips and starts flogging away. STACI watches for a second, pops her eyes at the size of Jim’s equipment, then turns back to the screen. DISSOLVE TO: Same Living Room DEREK and JACKIE continue to have sex but DEREK seems distracted. The scenes begin DISSOLVING back and forth as he fantasizes PAMELA in place of JACKIE sucking him off, sitting on him, etc. DISSOLVE TO: Billy’s Office Interior JIM is whacking it like there’s no tomorrow. STACI is rubbing herself and glancing at his crotch, finally sneaking her hand over to help. Finally she gets a “what-the-hell” look and jumps him and they have sex while the video continues. When they’re done JIM falls dead asleep (typical) and STACI quietly makes a phone call. DISSOLVE TO: Same Living Room DEREK finally fires a facial across PAMELA, then comes back to reality to see JACKIE’S dripping face looking at him. He smiles at her. She leaves to clean up. The phone RINGS. DISSOLVE TO: Billy’s Office Interior The office is dark and empty. We hear a CLICK as the door swings open to reveal PAMELA crouching in the doorway holding a credit card and DEREK standing behind her with the flashlight. They start searching the office, the desk, etc. In the cabinet are hundreds of videotapes, all numbered. They pop a few tapes in the VCRs: the tapes are all of BILLY fucking other women (these scenes don’t have to be shown, just the stars’ reactions to them). The obvious question occurs to them both. PAMELA gives DEREK a scornful look. They keep popping tapes in and out, naming famous-sounding names as they go (”Look! It’s Kathy Whitfield!” “Wow, he got Luke AND Laura!”, whatever’s not actionable…). They decide to grab the last 2 tapes and work backwards. PAMELA is staring at her screen in shock. DEREK looks over and his eyes pop. CUT TO: Same Living Room (seen through bad video) BILLY is sitting on the couch as JACKIE brings them drinks. They erupt into an all-out fuck-fest. This could include anal, depending on your needs. Freeze the scene at a nice juicy moment and CUT TO: Billy’s Office Interior DEREK leans forward and hits “eject”, then sits back slowly. PAMELA watches him carefully, then tries to break the mood. DEREK turns to her. DEREK pops out the tape, looks at it, then puts it in the editing section and starts working. Camera focuses on the wall clock (12:35 or so). DISSOLVE TO: Billy’s Office Interior Focus on wall clock (9:00). BILLY and JACKSON come in. BILLY is excited. BILLY JACKSON sits at BILLY’S desk as BILLY frantically opens his cabinet and digs through the tapes. He pulls one out and holds it up. He puts the tape in, hits “play” and swivels the tv around so JACKSON can see it better (also, incidentally, where BILLY can’t see it himself). He reaches around the front and turns the sound down. JACKSON watches a few minutes of the tape, raises his eyebrows, looks at BILLY. He looks back at the screen. Behind the tv, unaware, BILLY is grinning like a fool. JACKSON reaches forward and stops the tape. BILLY nods happily. JACKSON shrugs, pockets the tape and hands BILLY a check, then leaves. BILLY dances a little jig of greed. DISSOLVE TO: Same Living Room JACKIE walks in. She’s dressed differently (it’s a different day). She sees a package on the table and opens it. On top is a stack of papers. She looks into the package and pulls out a videotape. It’s labeled “Exhibit A, Billy Cameron and Jackie Allen.” DISSOLVE TO: Pamela’s Apartment Interior DEREK and PAMELA are enjoying some wine and watching tv. Derek turns to Pamela. They indulge in some playful foreplay, spill a lot of wine, and make passionate love. After they finish they hold each other as we focus on the tv which now says “The End.” Optional: Movie credits could roll on the tv screen while the set is still visible in the background.
Pamela McClain – Actress playing Head Nurse Michelle Woolf on hit tv soap opera “Private Rooms”. Sleek, sexy, intelligent. Maybe Pamela Anderson? Nah, bit overexposed in the adult world lately. Maybe Tea Leoni in a surprise career move…
Derek Allen – Actor playing Dr. Martin Gibbs. Distinguished, handsome, should look like soap star. Married, but has crush on Pamela. Either Sean Connery or Randy Spears, haven’t made up my mind yet.
Billy Cameron – Producer/director of “Private Rooms”. Successful, talented, sleazy. Having affair with Derek’s wife. I’d go with Jonathan Morgan here.
Jackie Allen – Derek’s wife. Gorgeous, jealous. Any stunning and untalented porn star can fit in here nicely.
Staci Schamberg – Pamela’s cute young makeup artist. The best spot for a young unknown, Hoot Island fans take note.
Jim – Cameraman. I think there’s some sort of rule that says this has to be Tom Byron.
Jackson – paparazzi for The Weekly Rag, a trashy tabloid. Good cameo role for any retired porn stars who would do a quick bit for a goof.
Ready?
The doctors get all the girls. Let’s do it.
Why bother, no one’ll be looking at your face.
(still shaving)
Isn’t there some law against bitching before
6 a.m. in a residential area?
Nervous, hon? Scared that the famous soap
opera doc is about to flash his ass on tv?
It’s what 40 million housewives have asked for.
Oh, they don’t care about you. They just want
to see Dr. Gibbs bang the shit out of Nurse Woolf.
God knows you’ve come close enough.
That’s what makes us the hottest soap opera
on daytime tv, and it’s why you’re driving a Ferrari.
All the fans know how we feel about each other,
we just never admit it. Now I can finally admit I
love her. Ratings’ll go through the roof.
And then the show dies of boredom in one season.
You’re jealous.
What?
You’re always saying I see “that nurse” more than
I see you and now I’m doing a nude scene with
her. You’re jealous!
Am not. I’m just afraid they’ll see that pimple
on your butt and fire you. What do I care what
you think about that scrawny …
(continuing)
…and look how fast THAT show died after they did the nasty.
Give it up. We’ve been building up towards this
all season, we can’t exactly stop now.
I just think you’ll be disappointed. Does Nurse
Woolf have anything like this?
I’ll let you know.
(seductively)
Look, the least I can do is help you lose
some of that tension.
I might need it. I’ll see you tonight.
Shit.
Look, I don’t think I’ll be showing this much.
I mean, this is television, they can’t.
Are you kidding? Haven’t you been watching
the other shows? Lord, what I wouldn’t give
to get naked with Derek Allen. Too bad I
can’t do HIS makeup …
I don’t know…
Besides, you’re gorgeous. Let ‘em see it.
You’ll be on more VCRs than the SuperBowl.
(more nervous)
Yeah, and the next day every single scene
will be up on the Internet!
Well, that’s the price of fame, to become
Windows wallpaper.
(really nervous)
I can’t do this, I can’t… What will I tell my mom?
Look, calm down. Close your eyes, okay?
Deep breath.
Ah! God! What happened? Why did you stop?
(smiles big)
There’s your motivation. Go get him.
Pamela! Derek! You look great! This is it, you ready?
Great! Okay, we’re doing this right. As per your
request, all extraneous personnel are gone,
everyone’s gone for the weekend. We shoot this
in one day. One live cameraman…
… and one fixed camera for the second P.O.V.
You WILL be nude, but we’ll edit it so it’s ONLY
the hottest thing anyone’s ever seen. The
original tape will be destroyed. Dr. Martin Gibbs,
Nurse Michelle Woolf, your fantasies, and the
fantasies of the viewing audience, are about to
come true.
Okay, the doctor is at his desk and Michelle
storms in. The doctor’s girlfriend was revealed
to be the evil twin daughter of his long-lost
second cousin, and he’s still devastated. Ready?
Okay, scene 23, take one. Sound, we’re rolling and… action!
What the hell are you doing?
I’m feeling sorry for myself, Nurse Woolf.
Is there a problem with that?
Yes, dammit, there is. How long are you going
to beat yourself in the head over this? That
little tramp was just out to ruin you and you
know it.
(pauses)
I loved her, Michelle.
No, you didn’t. Infatuated, sure. A crush,
maybe. Love? Don’t make me laugh.
(angry)
And you know all about how I feel? Is that it?
Who’s chart have YOU been reading, Nurse?
I know you, Martin! And even if she had been
for real, you deserve better than that!
(moving face to face, still pissed)
Oh yeah? Like who?
Like me!
BILLY and STACI suddenly realize the scene has gone farther than originally intended. STACI grins as BILLY starts to step forward to stop it, then catches himself. BILLY grabs STACI’S arm and shoos her off the set and out the door. He grabs JIM and does the same.
(whispering)
Ssshh! Let’s give them some privacy, people,
okay? Just leave ‘em alone.
DEREK and PAMELA fuck hard and fast, oblivious to their surroundings. When they finally finish they come back to themselves a little and act a bit embarrassed.
Um. Wow.
Yeah. Oh, shit…
Copy these onto one tape, then burn the originals.
Hey, I don’t do editing, man. Union rules.
I didn’t say anything about editing, I promised I’d destroy the
originals and I’m a man of my word. I’m keeping the copies.
Oh God, oh God, oh God …
Goddamn, girl! Talk about getting into
your part! What was it like?
Oh my God, oh my God…
Tell me! I’m dying, here.
We just looked at each other, you know, like
the script said, and then I just couldn’t control
myself.
Holee shit, you fucked Doctor Gibbs!
No, I fucked Derek Allen. It’s your fault, you
bitch, at that point I would have fucked Billy.
(she shudders)
From what I hear, everybody else has. Hey,
if it was my fault, let me make it up to you.
How?
I’ll help clean you up …
Besides, how else am I ever gonna taste
Dr. Gibb’s cum?
Yeah, she was really grinding down on it.
She oughtta finally win that goddamn Emmy
THIS year, huh?
(pause)
I’m meeting him tomorrow morning, so be
ready. And remember, keep him happy!
We can’t let them suspect anything…
Keep him happy. I can do that. Whoops,
he’s home, I’ll call you.
Hey, stud. How did it go?
Oh, okay. Nothing special.
Poor baby, nursie-wursie couldn’t give
you what you need?
No, I’m just tired.
Too tired to give me what I need? Did
she wear you out?
(guilty)
Um, of course not, babe.
Hey, what’s up?
Oh, just going over the last few shoots,
you know…
Really? Which one… oh. That one.
That got
filmed?
Well, sorta.
I guess it’s okay as long as no one sees it.
Oh, go ahead, I won’t tell anybody.
Shit, I might join you.
Hello. (pause)
What? That son of a bitch!
Look, meet me at the studio tonight …
Every day I get more and more impressed
with your skills, Nurse Woolf.
You haven’t seen half of them yet, Doctor.
Staci said it was in here somewhere.
Holy shit, isn’t that Martha Burrows?
You’re right. (points to the other screen)
And there’s Angela Beckman.
How many soap stars did he fuck, anyway?
Oh, please.
Look at the camera angles, they didn’t know he
was taping.
Here we go, I found it!
Um, Derek?
It’s okay, I got it!
You need to see this.
That’s my wife…
(brightly)
Boy, sure is a lot of weather we’re having, huh?
Pamela, will you marry me?
What? Gee, I’d love to. Derek, you’re married!
Not for long …
This is it, this is gonna be bigger than the L.A.
street mime shootings. Here, here’s the tape.
TA DA!
Let’s keep it quiet, in case anybody’s around.
You’re sure you want to sell this to me?
(happily)
Yup.
So I can sell it.
Yup.
On my website. My adult website.
With 24 hour streaming video.
Yup.
(shaking his head)
You’re a brave man, Mr. Cameron. I’ll take it.
This is the only copy?
Divorce papers? Why that shitty little…
She sighs, sits down and starts reading the papers.
And in entertainment news, the soap opera world
has been rocked with scandal today as “Private
Rooms” director Billy Cameron has been sexually
linked to dozens of actresses in the industry.
Mr. Cameron had no comment, but his wife had a
lot to say and you’ll hear it here tonight at 11.
Now, about those other abilities of yours…
Toys R Lust
When you’re feeling a bit randy and ready for some of the old in-out, in-out, but you’d like to pick up a few sex toys to enhance the experience, where do you go?
I go to Toys R Us.
Sure, you probably buy your vibrating whatsits at some sleazy adult book store, or you order ‘em online, or you might be fortunate enough to live near an open, sex-positive shop like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland. But people with the right attitude (i.e. silly as all get out) can find erotic equipment anywhere, and Toys ‘R’ Us is a fine one. Just look at what you can pick up:
In the Florida stores, after you get past the specials and current-movie-tie-in toys, you hit an aisle of pool toys and garden hose accessories. If you’ve got a fenced yard (or possess a strong exhibitionistic streak) these are ideal for outdoor games. I call your attention to the Wacky Wiggle, which you attach to a garden hose. It not only fires water straight up, but it whips around in random directions, great for those wet exotic encounters. Ever try sliding nude on a Slip ‘n’ Slide? Fill some water pistols with ice-cold water, strip down and hunt each other through the house. Hell, fill a SuperSoaker with baby oil and go at it. Hey, the box said “Charge It, Pump It”…
Crayola washable markers and finger paints should be in every nightstand, and we love those little roller stamps. Why pay fpr those expensive little henna body art kits when these are so much cheaper and a helluva lot more colorful?
Here’s a fun way to test your steering abilities: have your lady lay down on the floor and spread ‘em. Strap a vibrator to the front of a remote control car (get a powerful one, with the knobby tires) and see if you can maneuver in there. Reverse, thrust, reverse, thrust, TURBO!
Those Laser Challenge targets vibrate when you hit ‘em, y’know. Matter of fact, there’s all sorts of vibrating things available. Tickle Me Elmo is soft, furry, and vibrates as long as you squeeze him. Can your man do the same? Any number of the stuffed dolls gyrate, wiggle or writhe just from having their hands pressed, a kink I’d never heard of before.
I love the sports aisle. I get all my BDSM stuff there – hockey masks, rollerblade kneepads, paddleball paddles (with the ball still attached, of course), jump ropes, and best of all, NERF stuff! It’s amazing how durable those NERF arrows and projectiles are, and they’re already ideally shaped. You’ve never truly made love until you’ve done it in a room completely filled with NERF balls, and the NERF ping-pong paddle is perfect for spanking enthusiasts who prefer to avoid marks.
I can’t look at one of those rubber balls you sit on and bounce without wondering why no one’s attached the obvious thing.
Have you taken a close look at the Birthday Barbie? Her mouth is shaped in balloon-inflating mode, and just by looking at her you can tell how she got the house and cars. You can design your own slutty girlfriend by buying Birthday Barbie, taking the kneepads from Rollerblade Barbie, some combat boots from G.I. Joe, leopard print pants from one of the Spice Girls dolls and the bed from the Malibu Dream House. You go, girl. It’s an odd little ego trip to see a beautiful blonde wrapping her arms around your unit with her chin and smiling face just peeking over the top.
Teresa assures me that no self-respecting girl ever actually treated Ken as anything other than Barbie’s friend, and I think it’s pretty obvious that Ken’s more interested in Barbie’s outfits than her ass. Hey, this is America… G.I. Joe was the only man for her, especially with the Kung-Fu grip. You know, a soldier doll makes an interesting psychological choice for a dildo (remove the boots first; keep his feet pointed)
Have you noticed that all the PlaySkool stuff is safely rounded? Just make sure you don’t insert anything you can’t easily remove. It’s really embarrassing having to go to the ER to have a Weeble removed, trust me.
Toy stores are great for costumes that would cost you big bucks elsewhere. Sure, they may be a little small, but they’re still fun. Cowboy outfits, police equipment, Star Wars costumes, princess accoutrements, swords and armor, firefighting gear, everything you could ever want to spice up those bedroom games. The Xena outfits alone could keep me going for a few weeks.
Enough for now, I’m off to head upstairs for some intimate time with my Silly String.
Stealth Playin’
I’m sure that all of you spent yesterday honoring (and possibly creating more) mothers. The mothers that borne you, the mothers that raised you.
The mothers that burst in on you and your blossoming love life at every opportunity.
I miss those days. It lent an exciting twist to the act when we knew we could get caught at any moment. And the extremes we went to! Furtively going at it standing up in the closet, on the floor between the bed and the wall, alongside the dresser. We honestly believed, drunk with hormones, that as long as we weren’t in direct sight of the doorway then my parents didn’t have a clue. I’m certain they never once noticed me climbing out of my bedroom window, carrying a blanket. That time that Dad came home early and me and Teres were sitting stiffly side-by-side on the couch, clothes sticking to our wet bodies and steam pouring out of the bathroom – well, he didn’t suspect a thing. No way.
Of course, as the father of a teen I can see right through him. It’s pathetic.
So I thought it might be helpful to provide some hard-earned tips for sneaky sex that can be used in any situation where fear of discovery os a strong factor. Here we go:
- You can be heard through all forms of drywall. Even insulated. Really.
- Zippers, pulled up quickly, are not forgiving.
- If there’s one thing that Ally McBeal has taught us, it’’s to always, always, always lock the bathroom door.
- Bathroom tile does not muffle the noises, it makes them echo.
- The worst thing about fitting rooms is not the teenage girls giggling outside the curtain, it’s those goddamn little pins all over the floor.
- Your wife knows exactly which perfume she wears, what color lipstick she likes and what color hair she has. More importantly, she knows which ones she doesn’t.
- Truckers can see your head, where your legs are and what you’ve got plugged into the cigarette lighter.
- Motel desk clerks often run license plate numbers for fun.
- Theater seats fold up at the worst times.
- Remember, the orderlies come around every half hour.
- Always check to make sure you got ALL the copies you made on the copier after hours, unless your career really would be advanced by having your ass e-mailed worldwide.
- Sex in the classroom after school works a lot better when you remember to take all your clothes home with you afterwards. Trust me on this one.
- It takes a highway patrolman approximately 21/2 minutes to run your number through his computer. Use them wisely.
- Not only will the cabin attendents know what you’re up to the second you two sneak off to the can, they’ll tell the pilot to aim for an air pocket.
- Husbands who have had vasectomies are unreasonably suspicious when they find condoms in your purse.
- DJ’s always know which songs play long enough.
- Roll-on glitter won’t come off quickly, even if you use your car keys
- Moms know what vibrators are. The “portable radio” thing doesn’t work.
- Giving head to one of the other hostages is just going to draw attention to you.
- Your roommate won’t really believe that when you screamed “Take it all, you vestigial bitch!”, you were just watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
- Skin-tight leather pants are a bitch to put on while running. Especially if you’re being shot at. During a thunderstorm. Across a railway trestle. While carrying a heavily-sedated ocelot. I mean, I’ve heard that.
- You don’t have to be famous for someone to steal your home movies.
- Cab drivers can often provide useful contraceptive tips.
- Your dad knows exactly why you’ve been in the bathroom so much lately. He’s logged an awful lot of hours in there himself.
- During your bachelor party, try to avoid fucking anyone who’s actually in the bridal party.
- There isn’t as much room under a newscaster’s desk as you’d think.
Story: Do You Want to Play Questions?
“Hey?”
“Hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“Why? What’s up?”
“Would you like to make love?”
“Think you can compete with my dream?”
“Who’s my competition?”
“Can you beat Mel Gibson?”
“Patriot Mel or Lethal Weapon Mel?”
“Would you believe Chicken Run Mel?”
“Mind if I try?”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Shall we see what develops?”
“What’s that developing down by my leg?”
“How’d that get there?”
“Does it bite?”
“Why don’t you see?”
“Is it safe?”
“Are you scared?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Hey. what’s this?”
“Ooh, what are you doing?”
“You like this?”
“Can’t you tell?”
“What’s this little button for?”
“Ahhh, what if I do this?”
“Ummm, you want me to lose it right here?”
“Can’t last the whole ride?”
“Are you impugning my manhood?”
“Are you gonna use it or what?”
“Can you move your leg over a bit?”
“Think you can find it, hero?”
“Ah, think you can?”
“Is it in yet?”
“Doesn’t it hurt, having your pelvis dislocated like that?”
“Would you wake me when you start, so I don’t miss anything?”
“Think you’ll notice this?”
“Whoo, who kicked you in the ass?”
“You gonna move or what?”
“Sure you don’t mind it being pinched in half, mmmm?”
“Wouldn’t you be disappointed if I was left with only twice… ooh… the normal equipment?”
“Getting modest on me.. eee… EEE?”
“Gonna be my little puppy and turn over?”
“Why, afraid I’ll see you sweat?”
“Can’t take the thunder?”
“There, you like me like this?”
“God, has there ever been a more perfect ass?”
“Oh, you gonna be nice back there?”
“Ummm, you mind if I get some EXercise in?”
“AGH, you tryin’ to split me?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Wha.. ha ha ha ha, are you serious?”
“Should I use a deeper voice?”
“Could you just fuck me, please?”
“How could I re… oh, jeez, what are you doing?”
“UNH, UMM, wanna UNH race?”
“Ah, you want… AH… me to lose it?”
“AAAAHHHH, are you ready?”
“Are you? Aieee eee eee, are you?”
“AH, GOD?”
“BABEEEEEE?”
“Did you come?”
Having a Threesome
Want someone else in your bed? While you’re still in it, I mean? Cool! But be aware of the risks…
Advantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There’s always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don’t work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn’t as much of a problem, the “wrong name” is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you’re in the bathroom, the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn’t suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn’t suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there’s two wet spots to avoid