Working on your facials

I’d like to take a moment to talk about an important device in your sexual toolbox: your orgasm face.

Do you know what yours looks like? Next time you’re with your lover, ask him or her for a description. Trust me, they’ll be happy to provide one, with the same sort of helpful and enthusaistic imitation they use when demonstrating your snoring for house guests and fellow bus stop patrons. Most likely you’ll see your partner twist his or her face into a pained grimace of soul-wrenching anguish, such as might be seen on a small woman who was giving birth to a luxury car.

Most orgasm faces are wild, uncontrolled, and about as erotic as watching someone get a root canal. And sometimes this is exactly what you want. There are times when the sex is so fantastic you actually experience a phylogenic reversion and drop back a few evolutionary steps to bellow out the war cry of prehistoric man getting a hummer, and that’s great. But that shouldn’t be your only expression. Sometimes it’s the look on your face that tips your lover over the edge and it’s worthwhile to have a few in reserve.

The Lotto Winner

This is the unbelievably happy, open-mouthed grin of a person who can’t comprehend their good fortune, the one that makes you look as if any minute now you’re going to yodel. Think of the hysterical housewives on “The Price is Right” when they win a car, or the teenage girls in old Beatles newsreels. Ideal for your first time, or for your first time with someone you’ll admit to publicly.

The Joan

A “Joan” is what you have during a religious experience. An expression of wonder, of blissful joy, of transcendent pleasure enfolding the Divine, as if in the final moments of your lovemaking you were abruptly touched by God, which is a pretty freaky thought all by itself. An excellent expression for the romantic, it’s often seen during a person’s first encounter with oral sex.

The Scream

Remember what Christopher Reeve looked like when he was Superman in the first movie and he hadn’t stopped the missile in time and there were earthquakes and he’d just saved Jimmy and dammed up a little model city and he found Lois but she was dead and he was too late and he takes a breath and screams loud enough to kill her if she wasn’t dead already? That’s the one. You’ll need that for the first time someone discovers your G-spot and/or prostate, especially if they have cold hands.

The Clincher

So called because this one is guaranteed to utterly melt the heart and crotchal region of anyone. Just as you feel the edge of the orgasm hit, quietly but forcefully say your lover’s name to get their attention and then maintain eye contact as you spasm, letting your lover see exactly the effect their actions are having on you. Keep your eyes open the whole time and try to keep your expression under control; the combination is devastating. Avoid using it during encounters when eye contact is problematic, when there’s more than four people involved, or if your loved one doesn’t actually know you and they’ve just found you standing by their car in the grocery store parking lot.

The Earnhardt

The triumphant face of a winner after a long and physically demanding ordeal, especially those that require goggles. Characterized by good sportsmanship, a determined grin, a cocky attitude, a lot of sweat, and the intense stare of a person white-water rafting through a canyon pass without a paddle. Peter North uses this one a lot.

The Power Grunt

A single impassioned “Uh!” followed by an immediate return of decorum. Perfect for business lunches and people who suffer the ordeals of animalistic mating as their duty to perpetuate the human race.

The Aretha

The one that goes on forever, with a shriek that travels through five octaves and can crack sheet glass.

The Hamilton

A suave and debonair smile, just enough to signal “Yes, I came, and it was just fine, thanks” without messing your hair. Often accompanied with a wink and by making that gun-shooting motion at your lover with your thumb and forefinger while you click your tongue.

The Oh Shit

What you get when you orgasm immediately after being distracted at a crucial time, when for a brief second you forgot you were having sex and were forcefully reminded again with unexpected pelvic spasms.

The Aiken

The kind of face you make when you’re nervously enjoying your first gut-wrenching orgasm after major surgery; you’re loving what’s happening but you’re not confident enough in the integrity of your stitches to really let go. This is the one you use for quiet, intimate moments, like when her parents are still awake. Also often experienced by people trying to do the Scream when they don’t look like Chris Reeve.

The Mona

This serene expression signals the mutually-agreed-upon ending of half a day of tantric non-effort, not much more than a sign to your lover that you’ve peacefully moved past the building-of-shared-kundalinic-energy phase and into the desperately-needing-a-towel phase.

The What-the

An expression of total and flabbergasted surprise, like you’d get from a person who kicked a snowball and wiped out a ski lodge. The effect you want here is the expression that what you’re currently experiencing came out of nowhere and completely snuck up on you. Very handy for pretending that you never knew you were turned on by latex undergarments, or that you had no clue your premature ejaculation was going to happen before you even signed the motel register.

We’ll Always Have Paris Hilton

The blurry-deer-in-the-headlights expression of a person almost too drunk to realize a climax has occurred in their immediate vicinity.

The Squeak Toy

This is the repetitive, involuntary gasping made when the right spot is suddenly found and the person performing the expression wishes to make it clear that he or she will kill you with a cinder block if you don’t keep doing whatever it is you’re doing to that spot until you’re given written instructions to stop.

The Oscar

The expression of bestial glee that you’ve practiced in your mirror until you can snap it off picture perfect at any time. Good for reassuring husbands, impressing business superiors, and getting rid of dates who have been pumping away for a damn hour, it seems like.

The Bonus

The delighted, slightly stunned and very grateful expression of someone who clearly hadn’t expected the second orgasm.

Shock and Ohh

If you’re going to lose control, this is the one to do it with. From this expression, not only is it obvious to the casual observer that you’re wallowing in the greatest feeling you’ve ever had in your life, but you’re not entirely sure you can stop now that you’ve started and one or the both of you may not survive the experience, and you don’t care. Hard to describe, but you’ll know it when you see it, after you come to and check the tape.

Mix and match them according to your needs, and don’t forget that when you’re at your highest point of release and personal joy, your lover can see right up your nose. Have fun!

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