Current activities in California, Massachusetts, Oregon, and Congress concerning legally-accepted gay marriage is, without a doubt, a huge step forward towards acceptance of alternate lifestyles. For the first time in the history of the United States, significant portions of Americans are willing to acknowledge a commitment between two people of the same gender and extend the same legal benefits that they would to a traditionally marriage, such as the one enjoyed by romantic traditionalist Britney Spears. Obviously this is going to cause a bit of a stir in the different local, state and federal departments as they attempt to modify their existing procedures to accommodate the new customs, but we’re proud to announce that the paper people are more than up to the task, if a bit confused. The Internal Revenue Service has wasted no time in preparing ways to tax this new situation, and we’ve been fortunate enough to obtain a first draft of one of the suggested forms, presented below.
Form 1040Q – Income Tax Return For Single and Gay Filers With No Dependents
Your first name and initial, last name
If a joint return, your spouse’s first name and initial, last name
If a joint return, which one of you is “the girl?”
Home address, number and street, city state and zip
Presidential Election Campaign – would you like to donate $3 towards the election of someone virtually guaranteed to oppose your very existence no matter how obviously butch he totally is?
1. Total wages, salaries, and anything tucked into your Mae West garter during “Hollywood Night.” This should be shown in box 1 of your W-2 form. Please refrain from including comments about your spouse’s financial worthiness.
2. Unemployment compensation, state tuition program earnings, parental “go away” money
3.. Add lines 1 and 2. This is your adjusted gross income.
4. Can your parents claim you on their return? Do your parents claim you when their friends ask?
5. Subtract line 4 from line 3. This is your taxable income.
6. Allowable Deductions – (including, but not limited to, hairdresser tips, approved ointments (see attached list), leather accessories not exceeding $50, charitable donations, and those darling little Rivoli pumps)
7. Earned sexual credit – devices or accessories you have purchased to be used in sexual practices that did not result in a child, thereby saving the state tons of cash.
Really soft rope
Condoms, lots of ‘em
Diana Ross CDs
Those butt plug things
8. Add 6 and 7, subtract the total from 5, add an additional $1000 annoyed Christian charge, and then just send us the rest.
9. Special bonus question: could you, y’know, tell us what it’s like? Maybe with pictures?
There are notes scrawled across this form, along with many areas scratched out and some interesting doodles. Some of the suggestions included possible tax breaks for windows and windshields broken in religious fervor, depreciation on last season’s clothing, and deferred state taxes on Melissa Etheridge concert tickets.
Well, they mean well.