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Over the past few years there has been a small but growing wave of news articles reporting that several governmental agencies have changed their publicly-available health information to reflect the current administration’s ideology. Specifically, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention web site has removed information on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing HIV transmission, including a section called “Programs That Work” which focused on HIV and highlighted several proven programs that involve condom use. Studies that showed education about condom use did not lead to earlier or increased sexual activity have also been removed.

Is this, as has been claimed, the act of an agency that wishes to ensure their web site reflects the most accurate information available? Or is it, as has also been claimed, the act of a bunch of wussies terrified they’ll lose their funding if they don’t get with the program? We talked to Marcus Hamilbee, spokesman for the Department of Health and Human Services.

HI: Mr. Hamilbee, why were these passages removed from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention web site?

MH: These changes reflect purely scientific judgments. Recent studies have shown that our previous fact sheets were incorrect, and we have a responsibility to our country to be completely accurate.

HI: That’s certainly understandable. May we see these studies?

MH: No.

 

HI: Excuse me?

MH: No, you can’t. Neener neener neener.

HI: Sir, the latest studies show that condom use does, in fact, help tremendously in the prevention of HIV transmission.

MH: Nope, nope, that’s inconclusive.

HI: Maybe in the sense that condom use can’t prevent it 100% of the time…

MH: Ha! See? See? Inconclusive! That’s science, that is! It’s a scientific word and everything, I heard Stephen Hawking say it once. Well, type it, anyway. Or does he talk into that thing? I could never tell.

HI: But that’s absurd, it’s like saying that because seat belts don’t prevent 100% of all traffic fatalities, you shouldn’t tell people about them.

MH: And we don’t. Bad habit, seat belts, they encourage people to drive more, gives you a completely unfounded feeling of safety. Will they protect you against a meteor strike? No!

HI: But that’s crazy!

MH: No, no, “crazy” isn’t scientific at all. It’s “inconclusive.”

HI: But sex education that explains condom use doesn’t increase sexual activity. Your own studies have shown that comprehensive sex education, with birth control information along with an emphasis on abstinence, is the best way to go.

MH: Not my studies. That was the other guy.

HI: Dr. David Satcher? The Surgeon General of the United States?

MH: Former Surgeon General. Real nutbar. Something to do with the job, I guess. Remember that other one, the black chick? Thought all our problems could be solved by whacking it?

HI: That’s not what she… never mind. Even if you suspected that condom use might not be as efficacious as previously thought, isn’t it irresponsible to remove the information entirely?

MH: Damn, that was a good word.

HI: What?

MH: Effywhatever. Damn good word. And you’re right, that’s why we put the information back right away.

HI: No you didn’t, you put it back after enough people complained. And what you put back was different. All we’re asking is, where are the results of the studies that caused you to change the factsheets?

MH: I’m sorry, but allowing the release of that information could reveal vital vulnerabilities to terrorists.

HI: What?

MH: You don’t want them to win, do you?

HI: What has that got to do with condom use?

MH: Don’t you know anything? Look, teaching kids about condoms encourages them to have sex, right?

HI: No!

MH: Really? It did me, boy, one health class and I was ready to tear that shit up. But trust me, it does. We have conclusive evidence that it does.

HI: And what evidence is that, exactly?

MH: President Bush told us it did.

HI: So you’re admitting that the changes were made for ideological reasons and not scientific ones?

MH: Not at all. Exhaustive tests were performed with thousands of people from all walks of life, over a period of many years, and these results were, ah, resulting.

HI: Why is that no one has ever heard of these tests?

MH: It was kept a secret. National security, you know.

HI: May we see the list of people in the test?

MH: Well, I shouldn’t, but okay. Here.

HI: This… this is the membership list of the Catholic League, Project Rescue, and the American Family Association! How can you think this is impartial?

MH: Because they promised they would be. And you can trust them, because a lot of them are religious and shit, and they gave us lots of money to show us how sincere they were.

HI: And the results were?

MH: People who remained abstinent, or monogamous married couples, avoided the HIV virus way more than the sinful, lecherous, multiple rapist people who used condoms.

HI: That’s never been in question, but I don’t think-

MH: Therefore, married people can’t catch AIDS. Proven fact.

HI: What?

MH: So everyone should either be a virgin or married. That’s the only way we’ll ever stop this terrible epidemic.

HI: We can’t stop it, but we can slow it down with more comprehensive-

MH: Which is why I’m pleased to announce that President Bush will be announcing his newest program, “Operation Matchmaker.” Starting this May, all Americans will be expected to be married or celibate and be prepared to prove it to inspectors.

HI: What? You… that’s… you can’t…

MH: Perfect, isn’t it? Won’t be any AIDS or underage sex or nothing ’round here, that’s for sure. Singles bars will be outlawed, and all dating services will be nationalized so we can use their databases. Anyone not currently married or affianced will be matched up with another unmarried person, based on carefully analyzed criteria. Probably Social Security numbers, we haven’t worked that out yet.

HI: But even leaving aside the horrendous invasion of privacy and the massive violation of the Bill of Rights, what about homosexuals who can’t legally marry?

MH: Who cares? They don’t have real families anyway, the perverts. We can always ship ‘em to Africa as volunteer medical assistants or something. They can help the other freaks and wear those dashiki dresses they like. Best part is, once they’re gone, that’s most of the people who have been doing all the complaining, right there! A win-win!

HI: You can’t believe that Americans will put up with this.

MH: Sure they will. A couple of newspapers will bitch but no one believes them anymore anyway. How many people on the street noticed when we started stacking political nominations with religious demagogues? None! They don’t care, they just want their tax refund. We’ll just say it’s necessary for our national fiber. Can’t beat the ragheads if we’re morally impure, right?

HI: So you’re saying that a country who’s policies are determined not by reason, democratic decision, or science, but by draconian enforcement of government-sponsored religious belief is bad?

MH: Hell, yeah! Can’t wait to nuke ‘em off the map!

HI: Mr. Hamilbee, thank you for clearing that up for us.

MH: Glad to be here.

Folks, how many times have you been in the throes of romantic stickiness and suddenly gotten the unbelievably great idea to stick something unusual up your lover’s hoo-ha?

Well, we’ve all been there. It’s certainly understandable. There’s the naughtiness of it, the playfulness as you both conspire to see what’ll fit, the thrill of the forbidden. And some things around the house just beg to be turned into impromptu sexual aids – candles, wooden spoons, broom handles, garden hoses, Marge Simpson figures – so as long as you wash everything before and afterwards (and possibly during), everything’s cool. But there are many items that should never be introduced into your lover’s body, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time and no matter what you’ve been drinking. Just to head off potential injury, here’s a partial list to use as a guide. You may wish to print this out and post it prominently in your bedroom. Read the rest of this entry »

My 11 year old son has quickly learned how best to devote his time and energies towards learning and defeating any and all video games that cross his path, and he does so in a very direct and forthright manner: he gets online and looks up cheat codes before the game is even finished installing.

He hasn’t quite figured out why I’m not at all impressed with the way he swept through the opposing forces to win the day when I know for a fact that his character couldn’t be killed and was probably whistling during the bloodbath, all because of some letter combinations he typed in at the beginning of the game.

“But dad, I won!” he says, turning toward me while behind him his character keeps winning without him.
Last night, after he scooted back into his room with a fresh batch from the web, I looked at my wife and said, “Imagine when he starts dating and tries to find the cheat codes for it.” And we laughed.

And then we looked at each other, and grew thoughtful. Why the hell aren’t there any cheat codes for dating? My mission was clear.

 

DATING CHEAT CODES (for use with the DateSharkTM adapter)

At the begining of your date, type these codes into your DateSharkTM handheld unit and keep it in your pocket throughout the date. Do not turn the DateSharkTM off! Please be aware that the Spony Corporation does not guarantee the social success of any of these codes, they are presented here for entertainment value only.

DATECASH – grants you $100. Can only be used once per evening.
DATESPIFF – restores your health, cleans your clothing and freshens your breath, for those abrupt meetings.
DATEWHEELZ – lets you cycle through the available automobiles until you find the one that’ll make the best impression.
DATEGAUGE – gives you a heads-up display that tracks how well you are (or aren’t) doing.
DATETALK – allows you to simulate sensitive and informed conversation. Political or religious conversations will require modifiers.
DATECHAT – provides a hidden drop-down list of your date’s interests and favorite foods
DATESCENE – lets you change backgrounds, so the grubby dockside pub becomes a four-star bistro.
DATEJERK – provides a dial so you can adjust your date’s intelligence level from “Moron” to “Professor”.
DATEGULP – allows you to eat any and all home-cooked food with impunity.
DATEZOOM – lets you jump levels so you can move straight from “1st Date” to “Sleepover”. Also works in the opposite direction, for dates that are moving along a little too fast.
DATENOBABY – grants you immediate birth control, lasts until the next round
DATESHROOM – makes you twice the size and adds speed and endurance. Also you glow.
DATETOOL – grants you all of your weapon.
DATE69 – makes your date do that thing you like, whatever it is.
DATEGARD – prevents the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, such as line-dancing.
DATEAMYL – grants you full energy.
DATEZONE – provides a graphic map of your date’s body, pointing out specific strategies and areas of interest (hint – perfect for discovering hidden surprises and easter eggs)
DATESHIELD – protects you against all ex-es, irate family members and protective pets.
DATEDEUS – god mode. Allows you to score anybody, regardless of your own personality or physical charms. Also known as the Scott Baio maneuver.
CTR-W – save date. Allows you to save the date whenever you’ve mastered a level, so as not to jeopardize your standings if you screw up. “Hey you got to ‘Hand Under the Bra’! Save! Save!”
CTR-O – open date. After you do screw up, just hit CTR-O and restore the date to the previous level of success.
CTR-ALT-DEL – for when the evening is tanking bigtime. Restores you back to your home, alone, in good health, dressed, and undiseased.
CTR-Z – clear memory. Ideal for the next morning when you’d really rather your date didn’t remember how to find you, ever again.
CTR-YOW – spouse mode. A few quick keystrokes and your date turns into an old, ugly, fully dressed business associate.

Keep in mind that this is a two (or more) player game and your date may also have a DateSharkTM, so your results may vary. Happy hunting!

Coming soon – the DateSharkTM web site. Head to our online database and type in your date’s name to get responses from other players who have played your date. Tips, tricks, even complete walkthroughs!

You’ve been together a long time, you and your genitals. Been through good times and bad, high times and low. The bond between you and your fuzzy parts is powerful since it represents the longest relationship you’ll ever have, and you know you’ll never leave each other no matter what happens, not without drastic elective surgery.

But even in the strongest relationships, sometimes things can slow down. You might find that over the years, without you noticing, your masturbation has become half-hearted and perfunctory. When you’re mentally replaying your favorite fantasy do you find yourself trying to mentally fast-forward? Do you find excuses not to masturbate? Have you ever masturbated and faked an orgasm, just to get it over with? Have you ever looked your genitals in the eye and said you just wanted to be friends? Is it all over?

Wait! It’s not too late! It’s important to realize that as a relationship matures, highly charged emotional and sexual feelings naturally give way to a calmer, more steady love. The magic is still there, but it’s a deeper magic. So you’ll have to dig a little harder to get to it (and that doesn’t mean to stroke harder, you’ll just give yourself a blister). Here are some handy tips.

Type your cut contents here.

 

First of all, let your genitals know that you treasure their company without sex. Spend some time together just hanging out. See a movie, or enjoy the park together (trench coats and skirts are a big help here).

Start each day with a little cuddle. Don’t get sexual, not then. Just a tender squeeze and a loving pat to reassure your genitals that you’re glad to see them. Touch is important to intimacy and even a light caress during long lines at Starbucks can bring a smile. Don’t be shy, nothing more wonderful to other people than to see someone in love.

Leave little notes in your underwear or treats that your genitals will appreciate, like furry panties or an extra dollop of hand lotion before you go out.

Tell your genitals you love them, and tell them often. Nothing reawakens a relationship more than simple and honest affection. Your coworkers may look at you funny when they hear you in the stalls or stand next to you at the urinals, but mature adults don’t let their friends dictate their love lives. After all, whom do you want to impress? Your friends, or your juicy bits? Find unusual times during the day to open your pants and whisper sweet nothings into your crotch, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Set aside regular times to masturbate. Your genitals need to know they’re aren’t just being toyed with when nothing else is going on. Make time in your busy schedule, and don’t break a date. “Sorry Bill, I promised my pussy we’d get together tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

Make your masturbation special. Don’t do the same old jerk-n-wipe, add some romance! Frame a favorite picture of you and your genitals and put it next to the bed. Enjoy a long bubble bath together, or go out and treat yourselves by masturbating at a fine restaurant.

Spontaneity is vital to a sexy relationship. Next time your genitals are least expecting it, like when you’re vacuuming or working on the car, just jam your hand down there and go at it.

Pamper them with new clothing, jewelry, or a day at the spa. Try new hairstyles together, or pierce something you’d never considered piercing before.

Introduce new elements into your masturbation to keep the spark alive. Try a new lotion, or lay the other direction on the bed. Buy some new magazines and movies. If you think your relationship is strong enough to handle it, try switching to the other hand (to quote Adam Corolla, “It’s like falling in love all over again.”). If you’re the adventurous type, introduce a second hand into your bed and get a threesome going.

Don’t keep your genitals separate from your other friends, there’s no surer way to ruin a relationship. Make a point of introducing them at parties and company functions, and make sure your genitals are an integral part of everything you do.

Most of all, communicate. Take care to listen to your genitals and stay aware of their needs and desires. What dream did they have in high school that they’ve never been able to follow? Make it happen, as far as privacy laws and restraining orders will allow.

Just take a few extra moments a day to pay attention to your genitals, and you’ll find that your genitals will pay more attention to you.

Are you famous? Can we watch you fuck?

It’s all the rage these days. Celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Vince Neil have all seen their careers skyrocket after the public got a gander of their sexy shenanigans. Well, maybe not Vince Neil.

Within minutes of the word getting out, people all over the world were beating their computers with sticks to make them download faster, even if they didn’t like the nekkid celebrities. And this frenzied attention translated to increased public awareness, more job offers (some of them even legitimate) and good times for celebrity stalkers who no longer had to fantasize quite as hard.

But it’s not as easy as just throwing a tape in the camera and greasing up. For the maximum media penetration your porn debut must be carefully orchestrated so that a) you can get the publicity while still keeping your reputation safe, and b) everyone in the world gets to see your wobbly bits at least twice. You can only do this kind of thing once before it becomes your career, so do it carefully. Here’s some tips.

Wait until your career is on the skids.

This is vitally important since a badly-timed “stolen” video can ruin your life if you’re riding high. Not only because of the scandal, but because celebrities with successful careers don’t have time to have sex and any evidence to the contrary might suggest that you’re no longer A-list material. Seen any Tom Hanks porn around? See?

But when you’ve got nothing to lose a good sex tape can get you your own show, a movie deal, even a Grammy!

Pick an attractive partner.

Not too attractive (you don’t want to get upstaged) but someone that’s decent enough to look at. It’s the kiss of death to be seen sleeping with losers, it’s like getting caught showing up at the Oscars in a Chevette. Vince Neil filmed himself with porn stars, Pam had Tommy’s massive joint, and Paris was smart enough to keep the camera focused below Rick Solomon’s waist.

Use bad lighting.

Just in case the publicity turns ugly you should take care to leave a smidgeon of doubt that the naked person dripping with apple butter and strapped to the taffy puller is actually you, especially if your partner is underage, visibly using drugs, or a member of Congress. That kind of publicity you don’t need. The first night-vision release of Paris Hilton’s tape was perfect, she looked like a raccoon doing a Courtney Love impersonation.

Check out Rob Lowe’s tape for examples. You can barely tell there are humans involved, much less make out features. It could have been a Loch Ness sighting for all I could tell. And lawyers are going to have their work cut out for them trying to prove that R. Kelly’s ass is unique in all the world, like a fuzzy snowflake.

Choose awkward positions.

One of the best things about celebrity sex tapes is that they let people see that their sex symbols are human, too. Better looking humans, but still human. When we see celebrities in movies, on TV and on magazine covers they look larger, better, brighter than life, but in your tapes we can see you as just as human as the rest of us. Make this even more obvious by squatting, scooting around awkwardly, fumbling a lot, or falling off the bed halfway through. Not only will this endear you to your fans, it’ll make your later denial more believable. Like you’d let any director get your bad side like that? Please!

Be enthusiastic.

You might look human, but you don’t want to lose your sex symbol status, either. Fuck like you’re trying to move the bed outside with your hips alone, and suck like you lost your car keys in there.

Dump your partner afterwards.

Bad enough that everyone will know just what you did with this person, but from that point on every time you bump uglies with that person you’ll wonder if it’s just a sequel and the first one was better. Also, you may not want your partner around where they can be subpoenaed, at least not until they’re old enough to drive to court themselves.

Show it to friends.

How’s it going to get stolen if no one knows you have it? It also helps to leave it out for the movers marked “Sex Tape, Do Not Steal.” If you get desperate enough or if there’s an opening on “Ellen” coming up, just stick it in a video rental box and cram it into the overnight slot at the local Blockbusters. Self-promotion was never so easy!

Time the release to break before your new project, whatever it is.

Paris’ tape came out just when her new show “A Simple Life” was starting to advertise, and it went through the roof. Pamela Anderson’s new exposure helped her launch “V.I.P.” And would Rob Lowe have made it to “The West Wing” if the producers hadn’t seen him picking up cans on Ventura Blvd. for his community service hours?

Where Tonya Harding made her mistake was letting her honeymoon tape get out after her knee-whacking scandal. If she had released it beforehand, America might have let her slide and she would have been the one in the Disney parade while Nancy Kerrigan was banished to Celebrity Boxing.

Deny it outright.

At least initially. So what if everyone can tell it’s you? So what if, during the video, you faced the camera and said clearly, “This is me!” and displayed on-screen DNA testing? You still have to deny it or you’ll be labeled a slut. You need to build up the pity opinions and get people thinking “It’s a damn shame that poor little girl got her personal, private orgy tape exposed like that. What’s this world coming to?” instead of, say, “What a whore.”

Fire lawsuits left and right and accuse everyone of libel, even if you were the one that mailed the tape out. Especially if you were the one that mailed the tape out. Then after the news dies down you can tearfully admit it, just in time to hit the next news cycle.

Give six hundred exclusive interviews explaining why you just want to put it behind you.

After refusing to talk to anyone, have your publicist approach a few respected news outlets like Barbara Walters or Jon Stewart and say you’re ready to talk about it, just this once. Cry and be brave and admit that it was you, you were deeply in love, but now you’re stronger and more confident than ever before! Also you’re single now.

After you cry at Barbara it’s time to do the stolen movie promotion junket where you appear on every TV show with more than seven viewers, host “Saturday Night Live” to make fun of yourself, and do a layout in Maxim mimicking your video poses. Strike the right combination of pride and self-deprecation and you’ll be starring on FOX inside of two months.

Sell it to Russian websites.

Hey, might as well make some money off this thing.

Handled carefully, a stolen sex tape can make your career. And you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that a movie starring you is being watched every minute of every day, somewhere in the world, often in continuous loops.