Romancing Alone: Putting the Magic Back in Your Masturbation

You’ve been together a long time, you and your genitals. Been through good times and bad, high times and low. The bond between you and your fuzzy parts is powerful since it represents the longest relationship you’ll ever have, and you know you’ll never leave each other no matter what happens, not without drastic elective surgery.

But even in the strongest relationships, sometimes things can slow down. You might find that over the years, without you noticing, your masturbation has become half-hearted and perfunctory. When you’re mentally replaying your favorite fantasy do you find yourself trying to mentally fast-forward? Do you find excuses not to masturbate? Have you ever masturbated and faked an orgasm, just to get it over with? Have you ever looked your genitals in the eye and said you just wanted to be friends? Is it all over?

Wait! It’s not too late! It’s important to realize that as a relationship matures, highly charged emotional and sexual feelings naturally give way to a calmer, more steady love. The magic is still there, but it’s a deeper magic. So you’ll have to dig a little harder to get to it (and that doesn’t mean to stroke harder, you’ll just give yourself a blister). Here are some handy tips.

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First of all, let your genitals know that you treasure their company without sex. Spend some time together just hanging out. See a movie, or enjoy the park together (trench coats and skirts are a big help here).

Start each day with a little cuddle. Don’t get sexual, not then. Just a tender squeeze and a loving pat to reassure your genitals that you’re glad to see them. Touch is important to intimacy and even a light caress during long lines at Starbucks can bring a smile. Don’t be shy, nothing more wonderful to other people than to see someone in love.

Leave little notes in your underwear or treats that your genitals will appreciate, like furry panties or an extra dollop of hand lotion before you go out.

Tell your genitals you love them, and tell them often. Nothing reawakens a relationship more than simple and honest affection. Your coworkers may look at you funny when they hear you in the stalls or stand next to you at the urinals, but mature adults don’t let their friends dictate their love lives. After all, whom do you want to impress? Your friends, or your juicy bits? Find unusual times during the day to open your pants and whisper sweet nothings into your crotch, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Set aside regular times to masturbate. Your genitals need to know they’re aren’t just being toyed with when nothing else is going on. Make time in your busy schedule, and don’t break a date. “Sorry Bill, I promised my pussy we’d get together tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

Make your masturbation special. Don’t do the same old jerk-n-wipe, add some romance! Frame a favorite picture of you and your genitals and put it next to the bed. Enjoy a long bubble bath together, or go out and treat yourselves by masturbating at a fine restaurant.

Spontaneity is vital to a sexy relationship. Next time your genitals are least expecting it, like when you’re vacuuming or working on the car, just jam your hand down there and go at it.

Pamper them with new clothing, jewelry, or a day at the spa. Try new hairstyles together, or pierce something you’d never considered piercing before.

Introduce new elements into your masturbation to keep the spark alive. Try a new lotion, or lay the other direction on the bed. Buy some new magazines and movies. If you think your relationship is strong enough to handle it, try switching to the other hand (to quote Adam Corolla, “It’s like falling in love all over again.”). If you’re the adventurous type, introduce a second hand into your bed and get a threesome going.

Don’t keep your genitals separate from your other friends, there’s no surer way to ruin a relationship. Make a point of introducing them at parties and company functions, and make sure your genitals are an integral part of everything you do.

Most of all, communicate. Take care to listen to your genitals and stay aware of their needs and desires. What dream did they have in high school that they’ve never been able to follow? Make it happen, as far as privacy laws and restraining orders will allow.

Just take a few extra moments a day to pay attention to your genitals, and you’ll find that your genitals will pay more attention to you.

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