My 11 year old son has quickly learned how best to devote his time and energies towards learning and defeating any and all video games that cross his path, and he does so in a very direct and forthright manner: he gets online and looks up cheat codes before the game is even finished installing.

He hasn’t quite figured out why I’m not at all impressed with the way he swept through the opposing forces to win the day when I know for a fact that his character couldn’t be killed and was probably whistling during the bloodbath, all because of some letter combinations he typed in at the beginning of the game.

“But dad, I won!” he says, turning toward me while behind him his character keeps winning without him.
Last night, after he scooted back into his room with a fresh batch from the web, I looked at my wife and said, “Imagine when he starts dating and tries to find the cheat codes for it.” And we laughed.

And then we looked at each other, and grew thoughtful. Why the hell aren’t there any cheat codes for dating? My mission was clear.

DATING CHEAT CODES (for use with the DateSharkTM adapter)

At the begining of your date, type these codes into your DateSharkTM handheld unit and keep it in your pocket throughout the date. Do not turn the DateSharkTM off! Please be aware that the Spony Corporation does not guarantee the social success of any of these codes, they are presented here for entertainment value only.

DATECASH – grants you $100. Can only be used once per evening.
DATESPIFF – restores your health, cleans your clothing and freshens your breath, for those abrupt meetings.
DATEWHEELZ – lets you cycle through the available automobiles until you find the one that’ll make the best impression.
DATEGAUGE – gives you a heads-up display that tracks how well you are (or aren’t) doing.
DATETALK – allows you to simulate sensitive and informed conversation. Political or religious conversations will require modifiers.
DATECHAT – provides a hidden drop-down list of your date’s interests and favorite foods
DATESCENE – lets you change backgrounds, so the grubby dockside pub becomes a four-star bistro.
DATEJERK – provides a dial so you can adjust your date’s intelligence level from “Moron” to “Professor”.
DATEGULP – allows you to eat any and all home-cooked food with impunity.
DATEZOOM – lets you jump levels so you can move straight from “1st Date” to “Sleepover”. Also works in the opposite direction, for dates that are moving along a little too fast.
DATENOBABY – grants you immediate birth control, lasts until the next round
DATESHROOM – makes you twice the size and adds speed and endurance. Also you glow.
DATETOOL – grants you all of your weapon.
DATE69 – makes your date do that thing you like, whatever it is.
DATEGARD – prevents the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, such as line-dancing.
DATEAMYL – grants you full energy.
DATEZONE – provides a graphic map of your date’s body, pointing out specific strategies and areas of interest (hint – perfect for discovering hidden surprises and easter eggs)
DATESHIELD – protects you against all ex-es, irate family members and protective pets.
DATEDEUS – god mode. Allows you to score anybody, regardless of your own personality or physical charms. Also known as the Scott Baio maneuver.
CTR-W – save date. Allows you to save the date whenever you’ve mastered a level, so as not to jeopardize your standings if you screw up. “Hey you got to ‘Hand Under the Bra’! Save! Save!”
CTR-O – open date. After you do screw up, just hit CTR-O and restore the date to the previous level of success.
CTR-ALT-DEL – for when the evening is tanking bigtime. Restores you back to your home, alone, in good health, dressed, and undiseased.
CTR-Z – clear memory. Ideal for the next morning when you’d really rather your date didn’t remember how to find you, ever again.
CTR-YOW – spouse mode. A few quick keystrokes and your date turns into an old, ugly, fully dressed business associate.

Keep in mind that this is a two (or more) player game and your date may also have a DateSharkTM, so your results may vary. Happy hunting!

Coming soon – the DateSharkTM web site. Head to our online database and type in your date’s name to get responses from other players who have played your date. Tips, tricks, even complete walkthroughs!