Announcer: Good morning everyone, and welcome to Misty in the Morning! Today Misty talks to City Councilman Irving Blatt, actor Tom Arnold, and Billy Jackson from the San Diego Zoo. But first, it’s time for our monthly visit from fitness guru Zachary Zakmann. Here she is, Misty Morrison!

Misty: Hi, everyone! I love you all! I’m so glad you could come visit with me today! We’ve got such a great show for you today, and let’s jump right in with my favorite guy, Zachary Zakmann!

Audience: Yay! (applause)

Zakmann bounds onto the stage, waving and smiling at the crowd. He is fit, tanned, and sporting a mane of shoulder-length white hair. He bows to the audience and then crosses to Misty, air-kissing her before standing next to her behind a waist-high counter.

Zakmann: Hi everyone! Hello Misty, you’re looking beautiful!

Misty: Oh, thank you! You’re so sweet! It’s so good to see you! What have you been doing with yourself since we saw you last?

Zakmann: Misty, I’ve lost over 23 pounds!

Misty: (squeals) Oh my god, that’s amazing! Liposuction? Botox? Radical experimental chemo-treatments?

Zakmann: (laughing) No, no, no. You know I never use invasive medical techniques for something as natural as losing weight!

Misty: Okay, you’ve got me, I did know that. So how did you do it? And (turning to invite the audience in her question) how can we do it too?

Zakmann: Well, I suppose I can let you in on the secret. I’ve been masturbating like a fiend, and it works! (strikes manly pose with fists on hips)

Misty: Wow! That’s really… what?

Zakmann: (beaming) That’s right! Masturbation gave me the trim figure you see before you!

Misty: (uncertainly) Uh, Zak…

Zakmann: It’s long been known that pleasuring yourself has many excellent healthy benefits, as well as being good for your sexual well-being. But recent tests have proven that regular masturbation can be a superior non-contact aerobic exercise. Good for the heart, good for muscle tone, and you get a much better night’s sleep, am I right Misty?

Misty: (staring wide-eyed at the audience, visible sweat on her forehead) I… um, I suppose so, I really don’t…

Zakmann: But before I go further, some of your audience seems to have questions for me. May I? (he takes the microphone from her and walks towards the stands to where several women are waiting) Yes?

Woman #1: Are you serious?

Zakmann: Completely. A simple act, that many of us do every day anyway.

Woman #1: But how can you lose weight doing it? I mean, if that was true I’d weigh about 30 pounds! (the audience laughs, woman blushes)

Zakmann: The same way you do every exercise! At regular intervals, and with gradually increasing repetitions. (he strides back to where Misty is in furious argument with the producer) Misty!

Misty: (she gives a small scream and turns around to face him) Yes?

Zakmann: Your audience seems skeptical! Tell me, how do you masturbate?

Misty: (panicking, frequently darting glances off-camera at her producer) I, uh…

Zakmann: You know, one of the reasons I love coming on your show is your brutal honesty, your passion for clear speaking and up-front discussion of vital issues.

Misty: (visibly wringing her hands underneath the counter) I’m, uh, happily married, and I really…

Zakmann: Ha ha, of course you are! But everyone needs a little extra release now and then, maybe when hubby finished his ride before you were finished fastening your seat belt, am I right? (he turns to the audience) Am I right? (the audience cheers) So tell us your technique.

Misty: (looks towards the producer, who is communicating through surprisingly expressive mime how many phone calls are coming in and why she should keep going, dammit) Uh, wow, thank you, I uh. Um. Well, I just, you know, touch… myself, and… that’s it really. Isn’t it?

Zakmann: (booming) Misty, that’s pathetic! No wonder you don’t lose any weight! How strong would you be if you went to lift weights and just kinda tugged on one! You need a program, and that’s where my technique comes in. I’ve developed a way to improve your jacking and jilling methods for maximum calorie burn as well as maximum orgasmic pleasure!

Misty: How… (clears throat and begins to rally back to hostess mode) how do you do that?

Zakmann: (produces strange white device from behind counter and slams it down) With my new invention, the Whack-O-Matic! (Misty eyes it warily) The Whack-O-Matic forces you to modulate your masturbatory movements by driving you to near-climax, and then shutting down for a pre-set interval.

Misty: And how does that help?

Zakmann: By causing muscle spasms all along your abdomen and pelvic girdle. You see, the Whack-O-Matic dedects, through this easy-to-attach monitor patch, where you are on the arousal scale at any given time. As it brings you closer and closer to your sensual cloudburst, it knows when to click off, leaving you frustrated and desperate to come. Your body then automatically flexes the appropriate muscles in an attempt to finish the process. After you’ve given up in sobbing grief, it starts right up again and brings you to the edge all over again.

Misty: But how exactly does it do that?

Zakmann: I’m so glad you asked! The Whack-O-Matic is, simply put, the single finest sex toy ever designed. Equally adept at satisfying men and women alike, it features seven speeds, a vast array of attachment heads, easy-to-clean reservoirs, and it’s dishwasher-safe! And it’s energy efficient! How long do you think the average vibrator battery lasts?

Misty: 2 1/2 weeks, unless it’s sweeps week. (claps hand over mouth) Um, I mean…

Zakmann: That’s right! And the plug-in models are just too awkward! But the Whack-O-Matic is powered by a battery-powered flywheel which uses electrical energy to tighten, and then replenishes that energy as it slowly unwinds. It’s quiet, it’s powerful, and it’s environment-friendly!

Misty: That’s a lot of torque. What happens if the flywheel breaks?

Zalmann: That’s only happened a very few times, God rest their souls. But just look at these attachments! (he pulls out several white components of varying shapes and sizes) Why limit yourself to poles and prods? Let Whack-O-Matic take you back to your earliest memories! We have Bedpost, Horseback, Firm Pillow, Washcloth, and that’s just for the ladies! Tell me Misty, did you grow up in a two-story house?

Misty: Three, actually.

Zakmann: Great! (he swiftly snaps an attachment on the device and whips it behind the counter into Misty’s lap – we cannot see it in action, but Misty reacts immediately, gripping the counter with both hands and moaning loudly)

Misty: Jesus God! Oh, God…

Zakmann: You’ll appreciate this one then, it’s our popular Bannister head! (Misty is obviously pumping her hips and seems to be heading towards a massive orgasm) And, any time now… (the humming stops abruptly, and Misty nearly falls over the counter)

Misty: (wild-eyed and husky-voiced) What the (bleep)! Turn it back on! Now!

Zakmann: Feel the burn, Misty! Can you feel your buttocks clenching, your stomach contracting, as your body reaches hungrily for the climax that it was expecting? (Misty is frantically clawing at the device, trying to get it to come back on) It remains inactive for a full two minutes, the time it takes for your arousal level to subside. It’s also great for your Kegel exercises. Can you feel it?

Misty: (running one hand over her chest and driving the other between her legs) Turn it on turn it on turn it on oh god turn it on now!

Zakmann: Uh ah, this is why beginners may want spotters to help them out. (he grabs her wrists and gently pulls her arms away from her body – Misty begins weeping) It doesn’t work if you don’t let it work, Misty. Are you calmer now? Starting to relax a bit?

Misty: (pulling herself together with exaggerated dignity) Yes, I’m fine now, thank you. Mr. Zakmann, why do you feel that this devi-i-yi-yi-yi! (the device starts up again and Misty throws her head back in exultant joy) Yes! YES!

Zakmann: (turns towards the audience as Misty writhes on the counter next to him) The best thing about this exercise machine is that it’s truly fun to use. It won’t end up on the scrap heap along with your old exercycle, your Stairmaster, your Abdominizer, your Thighmaster, your Tai-Boe tapes, and your Subway coupons. The Whack-O-Matic uses your already-existing desires and uses them to build you up. Guys, don’t think this is another woman-only device – the Whack-O-Matic has powerful suctioning apertures with lots of attachments for you! Just dial the opening to the preffered orifice simulation, and choose from Tight to Professional, from dry to dripping, from Schoolteacher thin to Angelina Jolie full! (next to him Misty is laying across the counter humping the Whack-O-Matic, which cuts out again – she bursts into tears and begins hitting it with both fists)
(he looks towards the audience, where several women are waving their hands) Yes?

Woman #2: Can you control the timing?

Zakmann: Yes! The Whack-O-Matic has several settings to help move you along in your quest for fitness. There’s the beginner, which simply throttles down occasionally. There’s several intermediate modes, where it cuts off for a few seconds at just the right time, and there’s the expert setting which is what Misty is experiencing now. It’s best not to start with that one though, I advise working up to it. (Misty is clutching the device in both hands and attempting to rub it against the floor – it kicks in again and she screams and drops to the ground, arms flung wide)

Woman #3: What if you change your mind once you’ve started? Can it be turned off?

Zakmann: No, I’m afraid not. There are several safety features, mostly to keep you from being electrocuted or dehydrated, but once you’ve turned it on it has to run through its cycle. (Misty is snaking across the stage floor, involuntarily, as she shimmies underneath the device’s pulsating vibrations) You see, it’s important to stick to your exercise regime or you won’t lose weight at all

Producer: (walking out hesitantly before the cameras) Uh, excuse me? I’m afraid your time is up, Mr. Zakmann.

Zakmann: (waves to the audience) Thank you, everyone! Look for the Whack-O-Matic at your favorite store! Comes with a 90-day warranty, handsome carrying case, and a free monogrammed towel. Tell your friends! Thanks Misty!

(Misty continues to gyrate, gripping the base of her chair to keep from moving around and arching up until only her hands and feet are touching the floor – she’s now whipping her head back and forth and yelling “(bleep)! Me! (bleep)! Me!” over and over. Tom Arnold walks onstage, looking nervous and confused.)

Arnold: Misty? Hi? Am I on?