Teach Your Children Well

Do your kids know about sex? How to prevent pregnancy? How to prevent disease? How to prevent anything?

Better teach ?em quick. The current administration has a major hard-on for abstinence-only sex ed, countering all protests with the perfectly valid argument that if you never have sex, you won?t get pregnant or have icky stuff oozing out of you.

Of course, if you do have sex anyway and don?t know anything about protection you?ll have all sorts of bad things happening to you, but then you deserved it with your wicked, wicked ways.

And yep, I talked about this just last month when the report broke that out of 13 abstinence-only programs, 11 were providing inaccurate information, a polite euphemism for ?lying.? Now oversight of the two largest abstinence-only grants are being moved to ?friendlier? departments in the government and President Bush is appointing more advisors and directors to continue the never-ending battle against informed students.

Want to fight this? Support comprehensive sex ed programs, support sites like Scarleteen, and give your own kids complete freedom, total knowledge, full disclosure!

I believe that Saturday morning cartoons should contain full-frontal nudity. The Japanese ones do and look how sane they turn out.

I believe that every year of school should include increasingly more intricate lessons on proper sexual techniques, birth-control and that thing you do with your tongue.

I believe that kids should be allowed and encouraged to play “doctor,” even to the point of providing them with speculums, stirrups and boxes of latex gloves.

I believe that masturbation should be a PE elective, possibly even a competition sport. Root, root, root for the home team! Just think how proud you’ll be when your daughter gets a varsity letter! Maybe your son will take the district distance record!

I believe that instead of keeping your children in ignorance and fear, you try the “scared straight” method of taking them to the nearest Welfare office or food stamp line instead and show them the number of teenage mothers there. This is not only beneficial to your children, but if you’re a single parent it can be a great place to pick up chicks.

I believe we should see book reports explaining exactly why the hooker was so happy, or which bits the Marquis deSade left out.

I believe that “irrumerator” should be a spelling bee finalist question.

I believe you should take your kids to the hospital to watch different women going through labor. Not many things better suited towards teaching the responsibilities of sexual behavior than hearing a soccer mom cussing like a longshoreman.

I believe parents should have to stay up until 1 in the morning helping their kids finish the huge paper-mache science project genitalia that the kids forgot was due the next day.
You know, the immense penis with the baking soda eruption. Go ahead, tell me you haven’t thought about it…

I believe that all post-pubescent kids should be administered oral sex by the school nurse. This isn’t a new belief, when I was in junior high school I fervently believed this.

I believe the Hardy Boys adventures should be republished with the original “racy” passages restored.

I believe that breakfast cereals should use porn stars as mascots. (Captain Crotch! Fuckenberry! Honeycome! Fruit Loops! Oh, wait…)

I believe that Nerf should redesign their soft, playful weaponry into fun, instructive shapes.

I believe that all senior proms should be “shirts vs skins.”

Maybe these simple steps would result in more teen sex — only time and study will tell. But at least they’ll know what they’re doing.

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