I know what you want. You want to date a classy lady, someone with manners and couth, a woman who gets out of the shower to pee. You want someone to be seen with that’ll make the other guys want to lick your arm. You want to date a supermodel.
I can help you. Just follow these simple tips and you’ll have them falling over you, and not just from anorexia.
Don’t tell her she’s pretty. She knows that, idjit. She gets paid for her appearance, and hundreds of people tell her every day how perfect she is. Not only is it unoriginal, it’s also the only thing about herself over which she has no real control – supermodels are very aware that they make a living from being genetic flukes. Compliment her on her attire, her bearing, her jokes, her witty conversation, her amazing capacity for stimulants. Even better, point out her imperfections. She’ll eat it up because she’ll realize that only you can see beyond the beauty to the real her. Make sure you mention every enlarged pore, every pimple, each inappropriate hair, any dangling nasal mucous, the growing bags under her eyes.
“Hey gorgeous, getting a little spread back there?” She’ll swoon.
Be ugly and talented. Seriously. Look at the history: Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel, Heather Thomas and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, Kate Hudson and the straggly guy from The Black Crowes, Susan Silverman and Jack Black… Hot chicks dig ugly, talented guys, so get cracking and start playing. You might not even have to be really good, I dunno. Has Bret Michaels done anything? I don’t really keep up with these kids. Just tell ‘em you play rhythm guitar, then all you have to be able to do is play a couple chords and consume a city bus full of liquor in a single sitting.
Be rich and ugly. A slight clarification: be rich and sick and ugly. I don’t think I need to go into this one, if you can’t figure it out on your own then you might as well not bother. If you have acres of loose wealth, go hang around Anna Nicole Smith and cough a lot.
Be hung like a bull moose. There’s no other excuse for Tommy Lee.
Be political. Another way in which former president Bill Clinton has led the way for all of us. He’s been linked to former Miss America Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former Miss Arkansas Sally Perdue, former bad singer Gennifer Flowers, and there’s rumors he’s even been intimate with New York Senator Hillary Rodham (unsubstantiated at the time of this article). At least democratic presidents remember how to have sex! Lots of senators, congressmen, consultants, diplomats and appointees have been seen with the glamour world’s best and bright… um, best. Keep in mind that at the grassroots level you’ll have to settle for housewives and the occasional starry-eyed teenage campaign volunteer, but if politics teaches you nothing else it will teach you how to compromise.
Be funny. 91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own data sheets included “sense of humor” in the turn-ons section, as far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out of his nose. A guy that can say just the right thing at just the right time is obviously perceptive and sensitive enough to know just how to touch her. Funny men make the best lovers.
Okay, granted, women prefer funny men who are also drop-dead gorgeous. And yeah, it’s really easy for funny guys to fall into the “best friend I can tell anything to but would never dream of having sex with” slot. I hated that slot. I lived in that psychology torture chamber for 6 years. I always had lots of close female friends, the ones that kept telling me “only you really understand me” and then turn around and describe how they blew some guy they just met last night, I just wanted to sneak up behind her with a rope and…
Ha ha! Yes sir, a sense of humor is all you really need. When she’s laughing she’s not affecting a worldly pose, she’s being human, and that’s right where you want to get your basic supermodel. Also, when things start geting really intimate, you can’t go wrong with a good hemorrhoid joke.
Turn her down first. The novelty of it is sure to get her interested. As soon as she’s within earshot, like the other side of the bar or just one balcony up, proclaim loudly that “No, I’m sorry Tyra, it just wouldn’t work out between us. We’re too different, and as exciting as you are I still want to see other people.” See the tricky psychological twist in there? Now she’ll go crazy wondering why she’s not good enough to hold your interest. At least I think she will, haven’t tried this yet. But it feels right. You should probably also drink a lot.
Be gay. Just think of the possibilities! She’ll trust you. She’ll confide in you (see above). She’ll undress in front of you. She’ll invite her friends over to try and convert you. My god, I can’t imagine why no one has thought of this before, it could work!
Okay, she’ll probably just marry you to cover her own homosexuality from the paparazzi, but you’ll still probably get to see her naked, and that’s more than you get now, right?
Well, I’ve done all I can here. Next week we’ll go over your failures, and we’ll discuss how to take the easier step of converting your current old lady into a supermodel. Hey, why buy the milk when you can put a dress on the cow, am I right? Right?