So. You talked your lover into it, your lover talked you into it, or you both decided what the hell, and your lover is strapped down spread-eagled to the bed, helpless and waiting. Now what do you do?

If you’ve fantasized about this since junior high or if your reading habits regularly include books with titles like “Chains of Lust” or “Mistress Jones Goes to Washington”, you probably have a pretty good idea where to begin and what voltage to use, but if this is your first time you might be a bit nervous.

This is perfectly fine. The thing to remember is that the person you just tied down with your best scarves is now completely under your control. You decide what sensations they feel, you decide how fast or how slow to proceed, you decide when or if to finish. You should also decide what your ultimate goal is. Are you “just” out for the hottest sex you can whomp up, are there some domination or humiliation fantasies to consider, or are there some unresolved issues between the two of you that you’re interested in addressing?

Here are some handy suggestions for what to do now that everyone’s in place.

1. Pop a dirty movie in the VCR and lay down next to your lover to watch it. Touch yourself occasionally. Hey, go ahead and masturbate, no one can stop you.
2. Take a lipstick and use your new canvas to play tic-tac-toe. If your lover objects, use a marker. Or nail polish.
3. Kneel between your lover’s legs, smiling devishly. Make eye contact and hold it, moving your head back and forth in a hypnotic fashion. Now, quickly drop your head to their tummy and blow loud bubbles.
4. Take the opportunity to throw out all those old clothes of his you hate.
5. Shave your lover. Make a production of it, bring out the razor and foam and hot towels and a bowl of hot water. This doesn’t have to be a vital area, you could always shave his toes, or one armpit. If your lover is especially hirsute, consider shaving drawings or words into their pelt. Pubic hair, male or female, lends itself well to intriquing shapes – arrows, hearts, barcodes, palm trees, exclamation points…
6. Take a nap.
7. If it’s torture she wants, get her strapped down good and tight and then turn on the Three Stooges Marathon (“Commercial free, nyuk nyuk!”)
8. Give her a makeover.
9. Give him a makeover.
10. Take the time to discuss how you really feel about your in-laws.
11. Go shopping.
12. Watch a tv show and return to go down on your lover in a wildly ferocious manner during the commercials. When you hear the show starting, stop abruptly and go back to watch. See how many shows you can fit in this way.
13. Is your lover ticklish, by any chance?
14. Find out just how many wooden clothespins you can fasten onto your lover’s body. Four bags? Five?
15. Take off your own clothes, oil yourself up slowly and sensually, lay down so that you’re touching your lover from shoulder to feet, then turn on the Playstation and play Jackie Chan.
16. Get a marker and use their body surface to make notes to yourself, to make shopping lists, to do the budget, to find the integral of y*e^t*arccos(xy^2) with respect to x.
17. Light candles and let the wax drip on your lover, creating tantalizing bursts of pain-pleasure. Test it yourself beforehand to discover the optimum height to drip from without causing embarrassing emergency room visits. Experts advise using only dye-free candles, I prefer candles in loony cartoon shapes to add just a touch of levity.
18. If they’re strapped down to a waterbed, bring in the garden hose, run it out the window, and start the bed emptying. Leave.
19. Get your man erect and use his penis to catapault M&Ms into his mouth. He gets a smack on the head for every missed one.
20. If your man’s impressively hung (or under 19), exchange the M&Ms for tangerines.
21. Pick up the phone where your lover can hear you and call your lover’s best friend to ask if they want to come over to watch videos. If you’re the kind sort you can fake it and speak to the dial tone.
22. If you’re not the kind sort, call your lover’s parents.
23. Or your lover’s ex.
24. Or just order some food delivered. Be nice, let your lover pick the pizza toppings.
25. Lay across your lover so your body covers theirs completely, and see if you can, through body undulations alone, cause them to pop a good one.
26. Get on an internet chatroom and ask for suggestions. Avoid the quilting bee chatrooms, those are some sick fucks.
27. It is truly amazing what can be done with a water pistol full of hot water in one hand and a water pistol full of ice water in the other.
28. Pick a square inch of your lover’s body and make love to it. Doesn’t matter which one.
29. Invite your best friend over to help you decide what to do next. If your lover is shy, have the friend stay in the next room and call out ideas.
30. If they’re getting nervous about their imprisoned condition, lay a 48″ pair of bolt cutters on the headboard and then sit back and watch.
31. Preparation is everything. Make sure you tuck lots of newspapers or towels under your lover’s body before coming back in the room with a bucket of chocolate syrup and a whitewash brush.
32. Leave the room to change into something more comfortable and then scream “Ohmigod! Fire! Fire!” Come to think of it, newspapers or towels may help here as well.
33. Rub a balloon across the carpet and then see if you can get every single hair on your lover’s body to stand up.
34. Use your lover’s body as a handy work surface. Bellies work well as mousepads (avoid the navel), firm chests make good writing surfaces, and inkpots can be balanced on the pelvic bone. Don’t sneeze!
35. That body would also make a great serving tray. Lay out your fruits and dipping veggies, get some cold cuts and chips, and balance the dip bowl in the V of the legs. Or use it as a plate for your entrees. Eating Ramen noodles off a collarbone is a blast. Be considerate and feed your lover occasionally, and avoid anything really uncomfortable such as prickly pears or fondue pots.
36. Kneel over their face and allow them to orally service you while you read a book. If they get too spirited (or make you lose your place) lower yourself a few inches until they calm down again.
37. Rub raw hamburger over some portion of their body and let the dog in.
38. Experiment to see how many different ordinary household objects fit into your lover’s major orifices. Separately, I mean, not all at once. Don’t insert anything you aren’t absolutely sure you can retrieve, such as a raw egg.
39. Stand by your lover’s side and allow a silk scarf to float lazily on their body, then begin moving it back and forth, allowing only the slightest touch of the fabric to brush their skin. Do this for about twenty minutes.
40. Sit on the opposite side of the room and see if you can hit your lover’s erect penis with a rubber band. Extra points if you get a ringer. No fair leaning forward.
41. Remember all those times you complained that he would never listen to your poetry? Well…
42. Now’s a great time to bring all those tools out of the garage to figure out once and for all what they do.
43. Did you know if you place a chocolate bar on a human’s chest at room temperature and they don’t disturb it, it will completely melt in about an hour? Are there places on the human’s body where the process might be faster? Let’s find out!
44. You would be amazed at how much better wines and champagnes taste when slurped off an aroused woman. You would.
45. Hell, you’d be amazed how much better Mad Dog tastes when slurped off an aroused woman.
46. Got a camera? A video camera? A webcam?
47. You can get some interesting results with those household vacuums, the ones with the hose and different attachments. Don’t let a suction seal last more than a few seconds or so, you don’t want to cause permanent damage and perfectly round 2″ hickeys are a bitch to explain at budget meetings. Dustbusters can be fun, those little computer keyboard cleaners are ideal, but avoid shop vacs.
48. You don’t need expensive BD/SM gear to intimidate your prisoner. The contents of the everyday silverware drawer are sufficient.
49. Make fierce love to your lover, spending hours on slow and careful foreplay before jumping on and giving them the ride of their life until they come hard and fast and, if possible, more than once. Then, as they slip into that glorious post-coital languor, they’ll be so happy and relaxed they won’t notice you reaching for the hidden bucket of ice water.
50. After you’re done and they’re free, lay down and spread ‘em. It’s only fair…