Story: Jim Jackson, Clitoris Hunter

[Theme song plays as we see images of a burly man in outback gear fly past us: standing in front of a jeep; creeping through bushes outside a beauty salon; rappelling down the side of a cliff; crawling across the roof of a sorority; working his way across a chest-deep river; moving stealthily through a mall disguised as a cellular phone booth, etc. Final scene is the show's logo, swooping in from above: Jim Jackson, Clitoris Hunter! A departure from the usual logo, this one has "Celebrity Edition!" added to the bottom. The logo rushes towards us and we zoom through the "o" in clitoris to see today's show. Jackson is standing on a sidewalk outside an elegant restaurant, wearing a red vest, black pants and white shirt buttoned to the neck. He is still unshaven, wearing his trademark Australian bush hat.]

[sounds of traffic]

JIM: G’day, and welcome to “Clitoris Hunter”. I’m Jim Jackson, and tonight we’ll be going after a particularly tasty specimen – Academy Award-nominated actress Jacqui Harmony, star of “The Last Barhopper” and Disney’s “Gargantua and Pantagruel.” Now, as you know, approaching a big star requires confidence, stealth, and a hunter’s knowledge of the terrain. I happen to know that tonight Ms. Harmony will be dining at Chez Frommage here in Los Angeles, and that’s where we are now.

My assistant Bill…


JIM: …and I have scouted out the area over the last week, hiding in the bushes and observing the native wildlife, and I believe I have come upon the ideal camouflage so that I might steal up on this rising and influential young lady, and bag her.
[sound of car driving up, car door]
Oh, excuse me. Yes sir?

DRIVER 1: Here ya go. Be careful with it now, it’s an import.

JIM: Oh, yes sir, I will. Bill, could you…?

[JIM jump in the car and squeals off. There is a distant sound of metal crumpling against something large and unyielding]

BILL: Jim is now parking the man’s car, both to cement his disguise and to help defray the costs of our show. Here he comes now.

JIM: (out of breath) Right. We should be seeing her any moment now…
[Another car drives up]
Oh Christ.

DRIVER 2: Hi, here ya go. Hey, what’s up with that car over there?

JIM: Ah, which one, sir?

DRIVER 2: The one that’s on fire?

JIM: Irritable bowel syndrome, you never knows when it’ll strike. Thank you ma’am, enjoy your meal. Be right back.

DRIVER 2: Oh my god…
[She watches, horrified, as Jim peels off]

BILL: Any moment now we’ll see Jim’s remarkable tracking skills in action as he tries to accurately locate Jacqui Harmony’s clitoris. Wait! Wait, I think I see… yes! It’s Jacqui Harmony now, with her current boyfriend and co-star from her latest movie “Not My Proctologist”, Lucas Fromm. Jim better hurry if he wants to… Here he comes! Ooh, this is going to be tricky!

JACQUI: Hi, park it somewhere close, would you?

BILL: Um, yes ma’am. Um, say, um, could I have an autograph?

LUCAS: Oh jeez…

JACQUI: C’mon Luke, gotta be nice to our fans. Thank you, I’d love to. Your clipboard?

BILL: Yeah, that’d be… (coughs, lowers voice) ahem, that’d be great. Right here.

LUCAS: Bad enough you have to make us late with your damn “I don’t know what to wear, I don’t know what to wear!”

JACQUI: (smiling sweetly at Bill) Shut up, Luke. I’m really sorry about this, he’s still pissed about the Golden Globes.

LUCAS: I am not!

[JACKSON comes running up and stops on the other side of the elegantly-manicured bushes next to the restaurant. He is breathing heavily and seems to have a stitch in his side, but at the first sight of JACQUI he drops immediately into a crouch and peers at her through the branches.]

JACQUI: (to BILL) Anyway, thanks a lot. Here you go. What’s this on your clipboard, anyway?

[BILL tries to hide the paper - JACQUI's itinerary, on "Clitoris Hunter" stationery - from her and a brief struggle ensues. Meanwhile, JACKSON skulks around the car and eases forward, step by step. The background music turns dramatic. A small crowd begins to form on the sidewalk around them.]

JACKSON (voiceover): I saw my chance. While her attention was on my assistant and their sissy fight, I worked my way around her. I remained downwind at all times, as ingénues have an incredible sense of smell, plus I had to avoid the direct gaze of her mate. I knew I had to time it just right…

[With a triumphant cry JACQUI wrests the clipboard away from BILL and turns to show it to LUCAS. With the speed of a jungle cat JACKSON sprints forward around her other side and thrusts his arm down JACQUI'S stretch pants.]

JACQUI: Hey! What the hell are you… whoa!

JACKSON (voiceover): I was fortunate in that she was wearing Lycra, which has an easy give so that I could get in there before she had time to react. If you’ll remember, last week’s target was wearing Faded Glory jeans which made my job that much tougher.

LUCAS: What the fuck are you doing to her, man? Goddamn pervert, get off… (he moves to manhandle JACKSON away)

JACQUI: Whoo! Oh god, god!

JACKSON: Easy mate, I’m Jim Jackson.

[LUCAS changes expression instantly.]

LUCAS: Wow, the clitoris hunter? Aw, man, I watch you every fucking week, man! (he starts looking around for the camera and finds it, grins widely) Yeah! (he flashes a double thumbs up)

[Meanwhile, JACQUI is twisting happily around JACKSON'S arm. JACKSON has a grim, determined look on his face. BILL works around him with the hand Arriflex, getting close-ups.]

JACKSON: Now, the… unh… celebrity clitoris is a different beastie fro our usual prey. It can be easy to find, like with your Angelina Jolies, your Drew Barrymores and your Judi Denches, or it can be a hidden thing like with your Sandra Bullocks or your Hillary… Almost…Ha! There she is!

[JACQUI shrieks once and wraps herself tightly around JACKSON, who gently pries her off and, never losing his grip, uses his other hand to carefully spread her across the hood. JACKSON is sweating now, but his self-confidence is apparent as he takes out his hunting knife and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y cuts around his hand until he can lift the piece of fabric away to expose JACQUI'S entire groin. His right hand never stops stroking, and he uses his left to delicately spread her sweet flesh to reveal his right forefinger squarely on the ridge of JACQUI'S clitoris. LUCAS and the crowd gather around.]

JACKSON: Isn’t she a beauty? It is truly amazing that such a common creature is so incredibly difficult to find, but it takes years of training and practice, as well as a certain natural cunning.

LUCAS: (looking close) Wow. So that’s what it looks like.

JACQUI: Yeah, right there, right FUCKING THERE, yeah, yeah…

JACKSON: Now she’s a shy beastie, and likes to hide under her little hood, but let’s just see if I can coax her out, shall we?

[He drops his face down between her legs, and she convulses once before flinging her arms wide and grabbing the gull-wing mirrors for support.]

BILL: What Jim is doing now is soothing the clitoris with his own tongue, hoping to relax it enough so that it trusts him and is comfortable with its surroundings. He’s very good at it.

LUCAS: I’ll say.

JACQUI: Jesus! Fucker! Jesus! Fucker!

[Around them the crowd begins to applaud; a few take pictures. From behind JACKSON can be seen pulling his head back and forth, darting here and there almost too quickly to be seen. His hands are deft and sure, pulls away. BILL steps up with a Jim Jackson brand neckerchief and JACKSON wipes his face. JACQUI'S clitoris is extremely visible now, and we switch to BILL'S handheld camera for a closer look.]

JACKSON (voiceover): See that pulsing bit, that’s the clitoral glans, at the end of the shaft. (On the screen a small arrow appears, pointing as JACKSON speaks) These lips here, these are the… hold still girl, that’s the way… thems the crura. Very sensitive they are, all by themselves.

LUCAS (voiceover): Right there?

JACKSON (voiceover): No mate, that’s the labia majora. Easy mistake, they tend to run together, but an experienced guide knows. Ah, she’s latherin’. Better back up, this could get nasty.

(We’re away from the close-up and the crowd and LUCAS are being gently but firmly moved back by BILL.)

LUCAS: What’s he gonna do now? Is he…?

BILL: Yes, Jim is a true sportsman, and doesn’t believe in unnecessary cruelty. He only hunts what he is prepared to eat.

JACQUI: YES! YES! Lick it lick it lick it lick it lick it lick it lick it lick it suck it YES! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!

BILL: Well, that’s all for tonight’s “Jim Jackson, Clitoris Hunter.” Thanks for watching.

(Theme song plays, credits roll over slow-motion shots of JACKSON licking long and hard, JACQUI twisting the car’s windshield wipers into knots, and LUCAS beaming excitedly.)


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