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As any writer can tell you, writing erotic stories can be incredibly difficult. You’ve got to balance story with character, dialogue with exposition, and make it steamy and arousing while still keeping it entertaining and true to itself. Erotica is possibly the hardest genre to write convincingly and well, they’ll tell you.

They’re all wrong, of course. See, dirty stories are like feature films. You write the plot, character, and situations first, and then add the filth in post-production, like CGI effects. Just include notes to mark where the sex will need to go later.

Carlos stood over her, furious. “You’ve betrayed me! How can I trust you ever again?”

Maria eased back and loosened her blouse. “Come to me, lover. Let me [INSERT SMUT HERE]

Bone-tired but with a lighter heart, Carlos lay back against the burst fruit. “I love you, Maria. Could you pull that out now, please? I’m starting to chafe.”

See? Get the story out of the way first without obsessing over the juicy scenes. Once you have your story polished and ready, then it’s time to make it hot, hot, hot!

 

TWEAKING THE LANGUAGE

Even ordinary dialogue becomes sexy when the right adverb is applied.

“I can’t see how investing in such a shaky venture will help your financial situation,” she said lustily.

“Well, time to go,” he said fuckingly.

Or add a simple clause, like “stroking himself.”

“I won’t stand for any more of your bullying,” he said, stroking himself.

“As God is my witness,” she said, stroking herself,” I’ll never be hungry again!”

“Give us Barabbas!” the crowd cried, stroking themselves.

Sometimes all you need is a well-placed adjective.

Samuel stood, mournfully, and picked up his hot, hard, pulsating briefcase.

Burning rivulets of thick, white-hot liquid ran down her sidewalls.

Jameel had never seen such a voluptuous, lust-filled pineapple.

Just look at how easy it is! First, here’s the original text:

Rain beat against the windows and pounded against the door. Lightning blazed through the howling skies to burn demented patterns into my eyes and the thunder was an angry beast, roaring across the night. I warmed my hands over the fireplace.

Behind me, Lucille frowned her disapproval. “I wish you’d reconsider.”

I turned to face her. “That’s my final word.”

Without another word she spun on her heel and stormed out, a worthy addition to the maelstrom outside.

And here’s the same story, after a bit of tweaking:

Rain beat against the yielding windows and pounded sensually against the reddening door. Lightning blazed through the howling, moaning skies to burn demented patterns into my thighs and the thunder was an angry, aroused beast, roaring across the gasp-filled night. I warmed my hands over the fireplace, reveling in the heat against the taut skin of my throbbing, two-foot cock.

Behind me, Lucille, resplendent in lace and burlap, frowned her disapproval. “I wish you’d reconsider, you golden-skinned stallion without whom I could never find climactic release.”

She walked up behind me and pressed her massive breasts against my back, her diamond-hard nipples scratching a message into my kidneys. I turned to face her and, within seconds, was thrusting my enraged dick past her botoxed lips while I closed my eyes and thought furiously about the Indian woman on the margarine box. After a few more seconds I was zipping up and Lucille was gargling with brandy. I limped to a chair and collapsed, spent.

“That’s my final word,” I gasped.

Without another word she spun on her heel and stormed out, a worthy addition to the maelstrom outside.

Go ahead, tell me that didn’t turn you on.

Writing erotica can be as simple as taking a well-loved story and cramming sex scenes in it. Just change the names and who’d know? If you steal children’s stories, make sure you up the ages so the cops don’t come calling. I’m still doing public service for my thrilling novel “Sherri Futter and the Order of the Penis.”

A visit to your local library can offer thousands of stories that just need some grease to be good. “Wuthering Heights” can be improved immeasurably with a double-penetration scene, and how much more poignant is Carton’s sacrifice in “A Tale of Two Cities” if he had shared a baby oil threeway with Lucie and Charles beforehand. Then there’s the Dr. Seuss stuff…

Write your stories first. The rest will come. And come. And come.

Over the past few years there has been a small but growing wave of news articles reporting that several governmental agencies have changed their publicly-available health information to reflect the current administration’s ideology. Specifically, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention web site has removed information on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing HIV transmission, including a section called “Programs That Work” which focused on HIV and highlighted several proven programs that involve condom use. Studies that showed education about condom use did not lead to earlier or increased sexual activity have also been removed.

Is this, as has been claimed, the act of an agency that wishes to ensure their web site reflects the most accurate information available? Or is it, as has also been claimed, the act of a bunch of wussies terrified they’ll lose their funding if they don’t get with the program? We talked to Marcus Hamilbee, spokesman for the Department of Health and Human Services.

HI: Mr. Hamilbee, why were these passages removed from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention web site?

MH: These changes reflect purely scientific judgments. Recent studies have shown that our previous fact sheets were incorrect, and we have a responsibility to our country to be completely accurate.

HI: That’s certainly understandable. May we see these studies?

MH: No.

 

HI: Excuse me?

MH: No, you can’t. Neener neener neener.

HI: Sir, the latest studies show that condom use does, in fact, help tremendously in the prevention of HIV transmission.

MH: Nope, nope, that’s inconclusive.

HI: Maybe in the sense that condom use can’t prevent it 100% of the time…

MH: Ha! See? See? Inconclusive! That’s science, that is! It’s a scientific word and everything, I heard Stephen Hawking say it once. Well, type it, anyway. Or does he talk into that thing? I could never tell.

HI: But that’s absurd, it’s like saying that because seat belts don’t prevent 100% of all traffic fatalities, you shouldn’t tell people about them.

MH: And we don’t. Bad habit, seat belts, they encourage people to drive more, gives you a completely unfounded feeling of safety. Will they protect you against a meteor strike? No!

HI: But that’s crazy!

MH: No, no, “crazy” isn’t scientific at all. It’s “inconclusive.”

HI: But sex education that explains condom use doesn’t increase sexual activity. Your own studies have shown that comprehensive sex education, with birth control information along with an emphasis on abstinence, is the best way to go.

MH: Not my studies. That was the other guy.

HI: Dr. David Satcher? The Surgeon General of the United States?

MH: Former Surgeon General. Real nutbar. Something to do with the job, I guess. Remember that other one, the black chick? Thought all our problems could be solved by whacking it?

HI: That’s not what she… never mind. Even if you suspected that condom use might not be as efficacious as previously thought, isn’t it irresponsible to remove the information entirely?

MH: Damn, that was a good word.

HI: What?

MH: Effywhatever. Damn good word. And you’re right, that’s why we put the information back right away.

HI: No you didn’t, you put it back after enough people complained. And what you put back was different. All we’re asking is, where are the results of the studies that caused you to change the factsheets?

MH: I’m sorry, but allowing the release of that information could reveal vital vulnerabilities to terrorists.

HI: What?

MH: You don’t want them to win, do you?

HI: What has that got to do with condom use?

MH: Don’t you know anything? Look, teaching kids about condoms encourages them to have sex, right?

HI: No!

MH: Really? It did me, boy, one health class and I was ready to tear that shit up. But trust me, it does. We have conclusive evidence that it does.

HI: And what evidence is that, exactly?

MH: President Bush told us it did.

HI: So you’re admitting that the changes were made for ideological reasons and not scientific ones?

MH: Not at all. Exhaustive tests were performed with thousands of people from all walks of life, over a period of many years, and these results were, ah, resulting.

HI: Why is that no one has ever heard of these tests?

MH: It was kept a secret. National security, you know.

HI: May we see the list of people in the test?

MH: Well, I shouldn’t, but okay. Here.

HI: This… this is the membership list of the Catholic League, Project Rescue, and the American Family Association! How can you think this is impartial?

MH: Because they promised they would be. And you can trust them, because a lot of them are religious and shit, and they gave us lots of money to show us how sincere they were.

HI: And the results were?

MH: People who remained abstinent, or monogamous married couples, avoided the HIV virus way more than the sinful, lecherous, multiple rapist people who used condoms.

HI: That’s never been in question, but I don’t think-

MH: Therefore, married people can’t catch AIDS. Proven fact.

HI: What?

MH: So everyone should either be a virgin or married. That’s the only way we’ll ever stop this terrible epidemic.

HI: We can’t stop it, but we can slow it down with more comprehensive-

MH: Which is why I’m pleased to announce that President Bush will be announcing his newest program, “Operation Matchmaker.” Starting this May, all Americans will be expected to be married or celibate and be prepared to prove it to inspectors.

HI: What? You… that’s… you can’t…

MH: Perfect, isn’t it? Won’t be any AIDS or underage sex or nothing ’round here, that’s for sure. Singles bars will be outlawed, and all dating services will be nationalized so we can use their databases. Anyone not currently married or affianced will be matched up with another unmarried person, based on carefully analyzed criteria. Probably Social Security numbers, we haven’t worked that out yet.

HI: But even leaving aside the horrendous invasion of privacy and the massive violation of the Bill of Rights, what about homosexuals who can’t legally marry?

MH: Who cares? They don’t have real families anyway, the perverts. We can always ship ‘em to Africa as volunteer medical assistants or something. They can help the other freaks and wear those dashiki dresses they like. Best part is, once they’re gone, that’s most of the people who have been doing all the complaining, right there! A win-win!

HI: You can’t believe that Americans will put up with this.

MH: Sure they will. A couple of newspapers will bitch but no one believes them anymore anyway. How many people on the street noticed when we started stacking political nominations with religious demagogues? None! They don’t care, they just want their tax refund. We’ll just say it’s necessary for our national fiber. Can’t beat the ragheads if we’re morally impure, right?

HI: So you’re saying that a country who’s policies are determined not by reason, democratic decision, or science, but by draconian enforcement of government-sponsored religious belief is bad?

MH: Hell, yeah! Can’t wait to nuke ‘em off the map!

HI: Mr. Hamilbee, thank you for clearing that up for us.

MH: Glad to be here.

Folks, how many times have you been in the throes of romantic stickiness and suddenly gotten the unbelievably great idea to stick something unusual up your lover’s hoo-ha?

Well, we’ve all been there. It’s certainly understandable. There’s the naughtiness of it, the playfulness as you both conspire to see what’ll fit, the thrill of the forbidden. And some things around the house just beg to be turned into impromptu sexual aids – candles, wooden spoons, broom handles, garden hoses, Marge Simpson figures – so as long as you wash everything before and afterwards (and possibly during), everything’s cool. But there are many items that should never be introduced into your lover’s body, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time and no matter what you’ve been drinking. Just to head off potential injury, here’s a partial list to use as a guide. You may wish to print this out and post it prominently in your bedroom. Read the rest of this entry »

My 11 year old son has quickly learned how best to devote his time and energies towards learning and defeating any and all video games that cross his path, and he does so in a very direct and forthright manner: he gets online and looks up cheat codes before the game is even finished installing.

He hasn’t quite figured out why I’m not at all impressed with the way he swept through the opposing forces to win the day when I know for a fact that his character couldn’t be killed and was probably whistling during the bloodbath, all because of some letter combinations he typed in at the beginning of the game.

“But dad, I won!” he says, turning toward me while behind him his character keeps winning without him.
Last night, after he scooted back into his room with a fresh batch from the web, I looked at my wife and said, “Imagine when he starts dating and tries to find the cheat codes for it.” And we laughed.

And then we looked at each other, and grew thoughtful. Why the hell aren’t there any cheat codes for dating? My mission was clear.

 

DATING CHEAT CODES (for use with the DateSharkTM adapter)

At the begining of your date, type these codes into your DateSharkTM handheld unit and keep it in your pocket throughout the date. Do not turn the DateSharkTM off! Please be aware that the Spony Corporation does not guarantee the social success of any of these codes, they are presented here for entertainment value only.

DATECASH – grants you $100. Can only be used once per evening.
DATESPIFF – restores your health, cleans your clothing and freshens your breath, for those abrupt meetings.
DATEWHEELZ – lets you cycle through the available automobiles until you find the one that’ll make the best impression.
DATEGAUGE – gives you a heads-up display that tracks how well you are (or aren’t) doing.
DATETALK – allows you to simulate sensitive and informed conversation. Political or religious conversations will require modifiers.
DATECHAT – provides a hidden drop-down list of your date’s interests and favorite foods
DATESCENE – lets you change backgrounds, so the grubby dockside pub becomes a four-star bistro.
DATEJERK – provides a dial so you can adjust your date’s intelligence level from “Moron” to “Professor”.
DATEGULP – allows you to eat any and all home-cooked food with impunity.
DATEZOOM – lets you jump levels so you can move straight from “1st Date” to “Sleepover”. Also works in the opposite direction, for dates that are moving along a little too fast.
DATENOBABY – grants you immediate birth control, lasts until the next round
DATESHROOM – makes you twice the size and adds speed and endurance. Also you glow.
DATETOOL – grants you all of your weapon.
DATE69 – makes your date do that thing you like, whatever it is.
DATEGARD – prevents the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, such as line-dancing.
DATEAMYL – grants you full energy.
DATEZONE – provides a graphic map of your date’s body, pointing out specific strategies and areas of interest (hint – perfect for discovering hidden surprises and easter eggs)
DATESHIELD – protects you against all ex-es, irate family members and protective pets.
DATEDEUS – god mode. Allows you to score anybody, regardless of your own personality or physical charms. Also known as the Scott Baio maneuver.
CTR-W – save date. Allows you to save the date whenever you’ve mastered a level, so as not to jeopardize your standings if you screw up. “Hey you got to ‘Hand Under the Bra’! Save! Save!”
CTR-O – open date. After you do screw up, just hit CTR-O and restore the date to the previous level of success.
CTR-ALT-DEL – for when the evening is tanking bigtime. Restores you back to your home, alone, in good health, dressed, and undiseased.
CTR-Z – clear memory. Ideal for the next morning when you’d really rather your date didn’t remember how to find you, ever again.
CTR-YOW – spouse mode. A few quick keystrokes and your date turns into an old, ugly, fully dressed business associate.

Keep in mind that this is a two (or more) player game and your date may also have a DateSharkTM, so your results may vary. Happy hunting!

Coming soon – the DateSharkTM web site. Head to our online database and type in your date’s name to get responses from other players who have played your date. Tips, tricks, even complete walkthroughs!

You’ve been together a long time, you and your genitals. Been through good times and bad, high times and low. The bond between you and your fuzzy parts is powerful since it represents the longest relationship you’ll ever have, and you know you’ll never leave each other no matter what happens, not without drastic elective surgery.

But even in the strongest relationships, sometimes things can slow down. You might find that over the years, without you noticing, your masturbation has become half-hearted and perfunctory. When you’re mentally replaying your favorite fantasy do you find yourself trying to mentally fast-forward? Do you find excuses not to masturbate? Have you ever masturbated and faked an orgasm, just to get it over with? Have you ever looked your genitals in the eye and said you just wanted to be friends? Is it all over?

Wait! It’s not too late! It’s important to realize that as a relationship matures, highly charged emotional and sexual feelings naturally give way to a calmer, more steady love. The magic is still there, but it’s a deeper magic. So you’ll have to dig a little harder to get to it (and that doesn’t mean to stroke harder, you’ll just give yourself a blister). Here are some handy tips.

Type your cut contents here.

 

First of all, let your genitals know that you treasure their company without sex. Spend some time together just hanging out. See a movie, or enjoy the park together (trench coats and skirts are a big help here).

Start each day with a little cuddle. Don’t get sexual, not then. Just a tender squeeze and a loving pat to reassure your genitals that you’re glad to see them. Touch is important to intimacy and even a light caress during long lines at Starbucks can bring a smile. Don’t be shy, nothing more wonderful to other people than to see someone in love.

Leave little notes in your underwear or treats that your genitals will appreciate, like furry panties or an extra dollop of hand lotion before you go out.

Tell your genitals you love them, and tell them often. Nothing reawakens a relationship more than simple and honest affection. Your coworkers may look at you funny when they hear you in the stalls or stand next to you at the urinals, but mature adults don’t let their friends dictate their love lives. After all, whom do you want to impress? Your friends, or your juicy bits? Find unusual times during the day to open your pants and whisper sweet nothings into your crotch, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Set aside regular times to masturbate. Your genitals need to know they’re aren’t just being toyed with when nothing else is going on. Make time in your busy schedule, and don’t break a date. “Sorry Bill, I promised my pussy we’d get together tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

Make your masturbation special. Don’t do the same old jerk-n-wipe, add some romance! Frame a favorite picture of you and your genitals and put it next to the bed. Enjoy a long bubble bath together, or go out and treat yourselves by masturbating at a fine restaurant.

Spontaneity is vital to a sexy relationship. Next time your genitals are least expecting it, like when you’re vacuuming or working on the car, just jam your hand down there and go at it.

Pamper them with new clothing, jewelry, or a day at the spa. Try new hairstyles together, or pierce something you’d never considered piercing before.

Introduce new elements into your masturbation to keep the spark alive. Try a new lotion, or lay the other direction on the bed. Buy some new magazines and movies. If you think your relationship is strong enough to handle it, try switching to the other hand (to quote Adam Corolla, “It’s like falling in love all over again.”). If you’re the adventurous type, introduce a second hand into your bed and get a threesome going.

Don’t keep your genitals separate from your other friends, there’s no surer way to ruin a relationship. Make a point of introducing them at parties and company functions, and make sure your genitals are an integral part of everything you do.

Most of all, communicate. Take care to listen to your genitals and stay aware of their needs and desires. What dream did they have in high school that they’ve never been able to follow? Make it happen, as far as privacy laws and restraining orders will allow.

Just take a few extra moments a day to pay attention to your genitals, and you’ll find that your genitals will pay more attention to you.