Archive for the ‘Articles’ Category

[Scene opens as the camera tracks through heavy white drapes over white french doors. We enter a brilliant white bedroom, luxuriously furnished in white and silver. Violin music is playing - low and sensual. A stunningly beautiful blonde woman is laying across the bed, legs crossed at the ankles, arms outstretched, head propped up on a pillow. Her makeup is impeccable. She begins talking as we reach the foot of the bed]

PROSTATIA: Hi. [licks lips] I’m Prostatia Jones, porn star and part-time waitress. And I’m here to offer you the Spraybelline Challenge. You know how easily mascara smears, how easily lipstick smudges, how tough it is to get those messy stains off your cheeks without ruining your blush. Well, Spraybelline’s new BukkakeTM line of makeup can handle anything you can throw at it. Just watch!

[The background music seques gracefully into a fully-orchestrated rendition of the theme fom "Deep Throat" (arranged and performed by Vanessa Mae). A naked man enters from the left. He is large, muscular, and obviously very interested in Prostatia, or at least portions of her. He begins stroking his penis very quickly.]

PROSTATIA: Can your makeup handle this?

[She immediately turns just in time to catch the massive dollops of thick ropy fluid all over her face. She turns, smiling, making sure she's completely coated. When he finally subsides, she turns back to us, dripping.]

PROSTATIA: You girls know what to expect now, right? Wiping, drying, washing, cleansing, moisturizing, and then starting all over from scratch in time for the next scene, without even enough time for a quick toot. Well, you might be surprised.

[Another naked man strides in and hands her a small towel. Prostatia draws it across her face once; she is once again immaculate. The second man also begins stroking himself. More men enter the room.]

PROSTATIA: See? Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM can handle anything! When you do as many sex scenes as I do every day, you need makeup that can bounce back when you do.

[She spins around to take another face-full. The towel makes short work of this as well. There are now six men around the bed, with more coming in.]

PROSTATIA: Whee! And Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM can do a lot more than this! Mud, cole slaw, body paint, urine, whatever you need to get off your face right away, Spraybelline’s… glub…!

[She is interrupted by another shot in the face. The other men are starting to jockey for position. Prostatia grabs for the towel but it's a bit damp, so she makes do with the coverlet.]

PROSTATIA: Cough! Um, Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM is there to help protect your delicate skin from anything they can offer. Just… blub gurk…

[We can no longer see Prostatia behind the wall of men standing around her, but we can see their arms moving furiously and we can hear her over the music.]

PROSTATIA: (shouting) Just look… ack… look at this testimonials! Whoop!

[CUT TO: a beautiful Asian woman walking out of a massage room, carrying her robe. She is covered in spunk, but smiling a dazzling smile.]

HOOTCHIE: I’m Hootchie Mintrale. I just love Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM. With the time I save not having to reapply makeup between spoogings, I’ve doubled my income!

[A quick swipe with a convenient dress shirt and she's sparkling new. A potbellied man enters; she waves him into the massage room and turns to us with a wink before following.]

PROSTATIA: (voiceover) And BukkakeTM isn’t… gulp, gulp… just for professionals!

[CUT TO: A seedy biker bar. A ring of large burly bikers, all facing inward with their pants down, breaks up. As they move away we see a young girl kneeling on the floor. She appears to have taken a cream pie in the face. And the chest, and shoulders. And hair.]

JIM: (from offscreen) Honey? You ready to go yet?

[Rather than panicking, the girl runs to the bar and swipes her face with a bar towel. Instantly she's fresh and wholesome, just in time for a Richie Cunningham-type of guy to come in the bar. He is clean-cut and wearing a letter sweater. He embraces her.]

JIM: Hey, you look great. Ready to go to my parent’s house for dinner?

[She nods happily. He hugs her again and gives her a big kiss on the cheek, then starts to pull her by the hand out the door. The bikers wave.]

JIM: Say, is that a new perfume? It’s very musky.

[CUT TO: PROSTATIA. She is alone on the bed, submerged in a soupy puddle. Perhaps 15% of her skin is visible, the rest is covered in goo. Another naked man comes in carrying a garden hose and begins to hose her down.]

PROSTATIA: Cough, cough, ptui! Whew! I could never have gotten the “Most Prolific Slut” award without Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM! Splut! Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM line of cosmetics includes everything you could ever want: foundation, blush, mascara, eye shadow, lipsticks, the whole works, and in all your favorite colors! Made with Spraybelline’s patented mix of the finest makeup ingredients and urethane. Try it and see! If it doesn’t wipe off with a damp cloth every time, we’ll give you some more of it! That’s the BukkakeTM Challenge!

[The hose is turned off. Prostatia is once again perfect. She stands and walks away from the bed as two men come in wearing thick rubber gloves and begin rolling up the bedcovers. They squish. We follow Prostatia to a small table which is displaying some small bottles and a wire brush.]

PROSTATIA: And if you order now, you’ll get a year’s supply of Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM Primer, Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM Remover, and this lovely cleansing brush.

DIRECTOR: (offscreen) Prostatia! I need you on the rock star dressing room set in 5 minutes!

PROSTATIA: (smiling) No problem! (whispers to us) Not with Spraybelline’s BukkakeTM. Remember, when you want your face to look as good as it can, you want BukkakeTM.

Do your kids know about sex? How to prevent pregnancy? How to prevent disease? How to prevent anything?

Better teach ?em quick. The current administration has a major hard-on for abstinence-only sex ed, countering all protests with the perfectly valid argument that if you never have sex, you won?t get pregnant or have icky stuff oozing out of you.

Of course, if you do have sex anyway and don?t know anything about protection you?ll have all sorts of bad things happening to you, but then you deserved it with your wicked, wicked ways.

And yep, I talked about this just last month when the report broke that out of 13 abstinence-only programs, 11 were providing inaccurate information, a polite euphemism for ?lying.? Now oversight of the two largest abstinence-only grants are being moved to ?friendlier? departments in the government and President Bush is appointing more advisors and directors to continue the never-ending battle against informed students.

Want to fight this? Support comprehensive sex ed programs, support sites like Scarleteen, and give your own kids complete freedom, total knowledge, full disclosure!

I believe that Saturday morning cartoons should contain full-frontal nudity. The Japanese ones do and look how sane they turn out.

I believe that every year of school should include increasingly more intricate lessons on proper sexual techniques, birth-control and that thing you do with your tongue.

I believe that kids should be allowed and encouraged to play “doctor,” even to the point of providing them with speculums, stirrups and boxes of latex gloves.

I believe that masturbation should be a PE elective, possibly even a competition sport. Root, root, root for the home team! Just think how proud you’ll be when your daughter gets a varsity letter! Maybe your son will take the district distance record!

I believe that instead of keeping your children in ignorance and fear, you try the “scared straight” method of taking them to the nearest Welfare office or food stamp line instead and show them the number of teenage mothers there. This is not only beneficial to your children, but if you’re a single parent it can be a great place to pick up chicks.

I believe we should see book reports explaining exactly why the hooker was so happy, or which bits the Marquis deSade left out.

I believe that “irrumerator” should be a spelling bee finalist question.

I believe you should take your kids to the hospital to watch different women going through labor. Not many things better suited towards teaching the responsibilities of sexual behavior than hearing a soccer mom cussing like a longshoreman.

I believe parents should have to stay up until 1 in the morning helping their kids finish the huge paper-mache science project genitalia that the kids forgot was due the next day.
You know, the immense penis with the baking soda eruption. Go ahead, tell me you haven’t thought about it…

I believe that all post-pubescent kids should be administered oral sex by the school nurse. This isn’t a new belief, when I was in junior high school I fervently believed this.

I believe the Hardy Boys adventures should be republished with the original “racy” passages restored.

I believe that breakfast cereals should use porn stars as mascots. (Captain Crotch! Fuckenberry! Honeycome! Fruit Loops! Oh, wait…)

I believe that Nerf should redesign their soft, playful weaponry into fun, instructive shapes.

I believe that all senior proms should be “shirts vs skins.”

Maybe these simple steps would result in more teen sex — only time and study will tell. But at least they’ll know what they’re doing.

Many American youngsters participating in federally funded, abstinence-only programs are being taught that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teen-agers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus, and that touching a person’s genitals “can result in pregnancy,” a congressional staff analysis has found (read one of the many articles about this here). I didn?t know half this stuff.

I favor comprehensive sex education – although I’m not sure how “comprehensive?” it could be when there’s no lab work or humorous skits involved – but I could reluctantly accept abstinence-only teaching as being better than nothing. I can even see an upside to it since my children, being better-informed, will have clear advantages over lesser-trained teens when it comes to putting the moves and layin? down the velvet hammer.

But teaching our kids inaccurate information driven by agenda rather than science is reprehensible and dangerous. Out of 13 curriculums studied, 11 of them had factual errors and suspicious wording. Some examples:

Despite the claims of such crackpots as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Department of Health and Human Services, it turns out that contraceptives are remarkably useless in preventing sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. One curriculum says that “the popular claim that ‘condoms help prevent the spread of STDs,’ is not supported by the data”; another states that “in heterosexual sex, condoms fail to prevent HIV approximately 31% of the time”; and another teaches that a pregnancy occurs one out of every seven times that couples use condoms. Also, condoms are less effective as water balloons or bachelor party decorations as previously believed, and the ribbed ones actually provide no pleasure for her whatsoever no matter what the package says.

This is even more terrifying when you read further and find that HIV can be spread by tears, sweat, buying someone a drink, or blowing someone a kiss from less than 25 feet away, even if you pull a condom over your face first.

The only sure way to prevent sexually transmitted disease or pregnancy is to avoid any and all sexual relations forever, ideally by moving to another city, changing your name, and wearing loose, non-trendy clothing.

As everyone knows, 5% to 10% of women who have legal abortions will become sterile; that “premature birth, a major cause of mental retardation, is increased following the abortion of a first pregnancy”; and that most women who have had abortions go on, tragically, to vote Democrat.

Some of the curricula also present as scientific fact the religious view that life begins at conception, when scientists know that life really begins at 30. For example, one lesson states: “Conception, also known as fertilization, occurs when one sperm unites with one egg in the upper third of the fallopian tube. This is when life begins.” Yeah, baby, unite that egg!

Did you know that women need “financial support,” while men need “admiration?” Scientific fact, apparently! Forget all that feminist crap, and remember that “women gauge their happiness and judge their success on their relationships. Men’s happiness and success hinge on their accomplishments.”

Some other teachings in the abstinence-only curricula:

Over 45% of teenage girls who have sex before marriage, despite their family’s financial status, ended up living in a trailer. And not one of those nice double-wides, either.

When you have premarital sex, your forehead breaks out in a reddened “A” shape that is plainly and permanently visible to your friends, teachers, and parents. You don?t want to know what happens if you have oral sex, trust me.

Sex really isn’t that interesting. Just ask your parents.

Engaging in unhealthy sexual relations before marriage can cause irreparable psychological damage that could haunt you for the rest of your days. Far, far better to wait until you can have unhealthy sexual relations after you’re married so you can pass your twisted neuroses on to your children.

You can get AIDS from toilet seats, sparkly lipstick, and Playboy.

Condoms make your dick look smaller. Honest. And then it drops off.

Birth control pills are Satan’s candy, according to a four-year study by the American Family Association.

Touching another person’s genitals can give you warts.

Merely flashing your firm young breasts at a teenage male can cause permanent damage to his retinas. Watch where you point those things, ladies!

Passing out eggs for assigned couples to “parent” in Health Class is no longer allowed unless the students are legally married first. What kind of future do you expect to give that egg if you’re riddled with disease, huh? Huh?

Masturbating makes Jesus cry. Teabagging just pisses him off.

Penises have minds of their own and can encourage their owners to make grave errors in judgment. In fact, penises actually possess tiny brains of their own, the same way dinosaurs had extra brains in their tails. Except of course that dinosaurs are part of that “evolution” crap, so forgot I said anything.

You really don’t want to have sex at all. You just think you do because of the constant emphasis on sexuality present in all forms of media. All those near-naked bodies in commercials, in TV shows, in movies, just wiggling around and jiggling right in your face, bouncing and swaying and bobbing and… class dismissed.

If your child is receiving abstinence-only sex ed, I suggest you augment this at home with additional information about healthy sexual relations. You don?t have to go too crazy, simply slipping your youth a copy of “Hustler’s Barely Legal” or letting him or her read through a few days worth of your e-mail ought to do the trick.

Or you could be responsible, I guess, and send them to worthwhile sources of accurate information such as scarleteen.com. Your kids will get all the facts, learn a lot more about themselves and how to have a safe and responsible sex life (married or not), and they?ll be able to talk to other kids to find that they?re not alone in their feelings or problems.

In fact, you might want to hurry. It’s getting awfully “moral” out there…

Hey, cool, glad you could make it! Great costumes! Don’t you get cold like that?

C’mon in, I’ll get you set up. Mind your step, the fog covers the floor and we’ve already discovered how dangerous that can be around here. Whatever you do, don’t walk around barefoot. I’ve got little latex booties for everyone and you can hose your feet off later if you want. Worth it for the effect, though.

Drinks are over at the bar, leave your keys in the bowl. Food is buffet-style over there. The orgy’s “come-as-you-are,” leave your proof of birth control and blood tests with Marcia, she’s the blonde over on the couch, the one dressed like Lady Godiva’s horse.

Try to keep a sense of style about you if you can, work it so that if you fuck someone your costumes match or at least conflict in an amusing way, like that couple over there dressed as Pat Robertson and the boy scout, or that group trying to make a star. Nice grouping, guys!

Lotta great costumes here tonight. The guy by the punch bowl? Naked guy on skates? That’s Billy, he came as a pull toy. Jennifer, the one with the black gloves and black shoes and interesting trim job, she came as the 5 of spades. There’s at least six or seven human condoms walking around, two sets of testicles, one guy came as Margaret Sanger, and one courageous woman came as a female ejaculation (with hidden hydraulics, careful around her). Oh, and Bernie by the stairs is a dick. What? No, I didn’t notice what his costume is, he’s just a dick. Not many ghosts, though, No spare sheets.

We’ve got lots of party games going on. Out by the pool they’re playing “Bobbing for Boobies.” They float, you see… You can’t use your hands and most of the girls don’t fancy the kind of jaw strength that can grab an apple, so it’s a game for masters. Well, as it happens Sharon is an apple girl, so she only counts as half points, but the rest of them you gotta be more careful.

Let’s see what’s in here… hey, what’s with the lights?

“So I reached out and took her ripe, taut buttock in my hand. Here, pass this around. Feel how full, how sweet it is.”

Just back out quietly. That was Dave, doing the body parts game. Ever been at a Halloween party where they turn the lights off and one guy tells a scary story while he passes around creepy stuff? Like talking about a witch’s eyes and passing around peeled grapes or something? Well, we don’t go in for scary stuff too much here.

In the next room they’re doing the same sort of thing but they’re passing around a flashlight. Under their faces? Not hardly…

For those of you who have always wanted to live a childhood fantasy, the back bedroom is three feet deep with candy. It’s by far the most requested romantic rendezvous room of the evening. There’s just something about the smell of it, the crinkling of the paper… If you’re interested you’ll need to sign up. You can tell who’s been in there already; I had a Butterfingers wrapper stuck to my ass for an hour before anyone told me. The bastards.

Out in the backyard they’re trick-or-treating. Yeah, the backyard. You go up to someone and go “trick or treat” and you get one or the other, usually right there on the spot. Be careful approaching groups, they might all chip in.

Upstairs we’ve got a haunted whore house set up, tours go through every half hour. Ghoulish ladies of the evening, in several sense of the term. You walk through spooky State Supreme Court hearings on sodomy laws, there’s a room decked out like your parents’ bedroom, and I still have nightmares thinking about the Hall of Impotence.

There’s a group experimenting in the kitchen. See, they started out making caramel apples, but they ran out of apples, so they’re making do. They stuff wraps nicely around so many things, you know? And it just gets gooier when it heats up, but then, so do I. Oh, safety note – do not insert candy corn anywhere you can’t shake it out of. We had an incident earlier. Amazing what you can do with a pumpkin scooper when you really have to.

Hmm? Oh, that’s the local witches’ group celebrating Samhain on the roof. Ordinarily this is a time when witches and pagans celebrate the final harvest time of the year, the halfway point between winter and spring, the final turn of the wheel of life, and they put themselves in harmony with the elements of the universe and seek to honor those who have gone before. Our group just fucks, mostly. The Hoot Island coven call themselves Waccans; they’re a bit goofier and more whimsical than your average pagan. Right now they’re raising a cone of power with three cases of aerosol whipped cream cans.

Just settle in and enjoy yourselves, I’ve got more guests to greet. Happy Halloween, everyone! Hey, you folks need another hand in the back bedroom? The candy man can!

Do you have any idea, any idea at all just how sick and twisted the people around you really are?

You do? Seriously?

Good, you’ll ace the quiz. Each of the terms below is an actual clinical term that describes a specific sexual kink, preference or action. All you have to do is guess which definition is accurate. Go wild. You sick fuck.

1. A harpaxophiliac is aroused by:
a. Aborigines
b. from being robbed
c. a Marx brother
d. stringed instruments, especially upright – oh god, upright ? ones
e. wigs.

2. Bradycubia refers to:
a. an overpowering attraction to Marsha Brady
b. an overpowering attraction to Greg Brady
c. an overpowering desire to watch Greg nail Marsha
d. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of his partner’s vagina or anus
e. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of Greg and/or Marsha Brady

3. If you’re an ochlophiliac you really get off on:
a. crowds
b. summer squash
c. Scottish accents
d. the Spider-man bad guy with the arms
e. spitting off highway bypasses

4. If a lover offered you a little scrotal infusion, it means they’re about to:
a. kick you in the nuts
b. kiss you on the nuts
c. help you kiss your own nuts, with ropes and a fence puller
d. let you force your scrotum into one of their orifices
e. inject a saline solution into your ballsack until it looks like a hairy water balloon

5. A wild evening of formicophilia would require
a. a hydraulic jack and a can of Fix-A-Flat
b. a kitchen countertop with a hole in it
c. a jar of honey and a jar of ants
d. a wire brush and a bottle of iodine
e. a pile of dirty laundry

6. A stupprator is only sexually interested in:
a. newlyweds
b. virgins
c. uniformed people
d. comatose people
e. stupid people

7. A gomphipothic person would be intensely aroused by the sight of your:
a. Social Security card
b. Aunt
c. Jesse Helms hand puppet
d. Incisors
e. anorak

8. If you hop in the bed of an ophidicist, watch out for:
a. snakes
b. beetles
c. novelty lunchboxes
d. piles of sand
e. unspooled cassette tape

9. If your lover offers you a quick round of genuphallation it means you get to stick your dick:
a. in your lover’s armpit
b. in your lover’s toaster oven
c. between your lover’s earphones
d. in a moistened light socket
e. between your lover’s knees

10. Kokigami is the art of wrapping the penis in:
a. aluminum foil
b. piping hot towels
c. darling little paper or cloth costumes
d. bacon and held in place with toothpicks
e. hundreds of rubber bands until it looks like a balloon animal

11. If you engage in amatripsis it means you masturbate by:
a. stroking your penis with your own heels
b. rubbing your labia together
c. rubbing up against a public official
d. thinking about pop stars
e. rubbing fistfuls of money all over yourself

12. An albutophiliac would just lose all control in your:
a. hiney
b. lobby
c. attic
d. sprinklers
e. socks

13. Tripsolagniacs could probably pick up a cheap thrill at:
a. the local beauty salon
b. the local grocery store
c. the local cemetery
d. the local courthouse, especially the witness stand
e. the local slaughterhouse, especially by the runoff area

14. If a thlipsosist sneaks up behind you, you’re about to get:
a. hugged
b. mugged
c. showered
d. goosed
e. pinched

15. Siderodromopjiliacs are aroused to a remarkable degree from:
a. voting
b. soap operas
c. trains
d. a guy named Sid
e. scuba suits with the nipples cut out

16. Hoot Island patrons would probably appreciate a knismolagniac – they get get turned on from:
a. laughing
b. tickling
c. falling off furniture during sexual congress
d. falling off a municipal bus during sexual congress
e. engaging in an act of sexual congress with a member of Congress

17. Which word does not mean “arousal from person of same sex”:
a. iterandria
b. uranism
c. sexual inversion
d. selglalia
e. lung-yang

18. I could be considered a nanophiliac because all of my lovers have been:
a. short
b. incontinent
c. indiscriminating
d. big busted, thank heaven
e. blind, deaf, and apparently unable to smell

19. Pareunasthenia is a fancified word for:
a. a sexual attraction to sea bass
b. male masturbation with the hole in a 45 rpm record
c. sex involving runny cheese
d. a desire to pollinate flower displays in store windows
e. a limp willy

20. Perhaps the strangest fetish of all is normophilia, which refers to:
a. an attraction to fat guys on barstools
b. a desire to have sex the same way your neighbor does, but better
c. a preference for being ravished by William, Duke of Normandy
d. those only aroused from acts considered normal by their particular society or religion
e. a fetish for men with penises of exactly average size, to be determined by means of a measuring tape, a micrometer, a weight scale, and the latest copy of Cosmo

Answers:
1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 e, 5 c, 6 b, 7 d, 8 a, 9 e, 10 c, 11 b, 12 d, 13 a, 14 e, 15 c, 16 b, 17 d, 18 a, 19 e, 20 d

All terms taken from Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. I recommend it; it’s guaranteed to make you feel better about your own twisted perversions.