Posts Tagged ‘parody’

Parody: Harry Potter and the Unquenchable Fire

Millions of glazy-eyed people, young and old alike, have been captivated by the adventures of this young wizard and his friends. Each book has taken you through Harry’s life as he escapes from life with the dreadful Dursleys to learn about magic at the amazing Hogwart’s Academy of Wizardry. Unless you’re a hopeless pathetic loser Muggle you know how Harry has progressed in power and skill every year, always triumphing over the sneaky Slytherin House and thwarting the plans of the evil dark wizard, Lord Voldemort, with his own courage and the help of his loyal friends Ron and Hermione. Now it’s Harry’s 18th birthday, it’s his last year at Hogwart’s, and the fun is just beginning!

The release date will be near Christmas, just in time for us to make another mountain of money, but as an exclusive bonus for you loyal Hoot Island fans we’re offering an excerpt. What follows takes place after the final year students arrive back at Hogwarts for the new school year…


Harry and Ron stepped through the fat woman painting into the Gryffindor common room in some consternation. “I hope Hermione hasn’t passed us completely,” Ron said. “I can’t believe she took summer classes.”

“I would have if I could,” Harry said, “but I didn’t have the O.W.L.s to manage it. Remember, her last letter said she was going to go on to post-graduate work.” They waved to familiar friends and began introducing themselves to the new students. Quite a lot of the younger students kept passing them and then looking back at Harry and stopping dead in surprise.

After eight years, Harry was used to being stared at. The dark Lord Voldemort’s attack on him as a baby left him a distinctive lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead, and the reputation of being the only person Voldemort couldn’t kill outright did the rest, with some help from the reputation Harry had built for himself since. After discovering he was a wizard and could attend Hogwart’s School of Wizardry, Harry had gotten wind of several of Voldemort’s evil schemes and had thwarted them all. He had faced death, humiliation, basilisks, dragons, evil wizards, malicious spells, foul odors, the undead, and even the Inland Revenue and remained unscathed. Oddly enough, Voldemort’s schemes seemed to be losing oomph, as if he could no longer pull together enough power to get a really good evil plan together. The last attempt had been to place Harry on a chain letter mailing list.

As more and more students kept staring at him, Harry began to realize that there was a different class of attention. He recognized the star-gazers, the well-wishers, the groupies, the jealous, and the envious, but he kept noticing female students looking at him in a funny way, almost as if they were hungry. One pretty blonde student even went so far as to lick her lips and use her hand to smooth out the front of her robe, although Harry hadn’t noticed any wrinkles..

Ron noticed it as well. “Cor, Harry! You outta be able to get some serious schtank this year! And we’re finally of legal age to learn Sex Magic, so you’ll have an excuse and everything.”

“But why are they staring at me? Why not both of us?” Harry asked, blushing furiously.

“Well, look at you. You’ve been playing tournament-class Quidditch for eight years, you’re in fantastic shape, you’ve got the scar (chicks love scars, Harry), and Daniel Radcliffe turned out to be a hunk.”


“Look, there’s Hermione!”

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