A friend has been insulted and I feel I must complain
cuz the fat jokes are demeaning and I think you should refrain.
Now I know you won’t believe me and you’ll swear I am a nut
but I’m going to have to offer a rebuttal for your butt

I’ve heard you say it bulges and you’ve told me to my face,
“It’s huge, obese and big enough to photograph from space!
Getting it in proper shape is always on my mind
since it looks like hippos mating in a Hefty from behind!”

I’ve tried before to tell you but I just can’t make you see
all the magical and wondrous things your hiney means to me.
When I’m working forty hours and I’m getting gumball pay,
your bottom brings me to the top and brightens up my day.

It helps me when I’m all alone and feeling like a martyr
(but I’ll tell you, confidentially, it makes a hard day harder).
It’s gentle curves will wave at me when walking down the aisle.
I’ll even drop behind to see my favorite sideways smile.

I glance down every chance I get and everything I’ve seen
looks rounded, firm, delectable, Olympic gymnast lean.
It’s a perfect double handful with a shape just like a heart’s.
It constantly perks up my eye (and several other parts).

So when you’re speaking poorly, without thought to whom it hurts,
just remember I’ll be standing up for what’s beneath your skirts.
No more cracks about your crack or I will have to take offense
and confront you for its honor, as I rise to its defense.