One-Handed Jack

Tired of your friends bragging about the all-night strip poker game? Frustrated at all the fun adult games in novelty stores or porn shops, games with names like “Around the World in Bed” or “Between the Sheets” or “Shutes and Garters” or something? The ones with blurry-yet-sensual pictures of an impossibly handsome man and a centerfold woman playing a board game in front of a fireplace?

Or you’ve seen dice that always seem to be bright pink, with words on them instead of numbers (one die has verbs, the other invariably lists body parts). And you’ve thought to yourself, “Wow, you can really have a lot of sexy fun when you have a playful lover. Now, if only I had a goddamn lover!

Hey, hey, imaginary person! Calm the fuck down. You don’t need anyone else to have fun, unless you’re trying to seesaw. Any game ever designed or twisted for adult purposes can also be used for some solitary pleasure. And why not? Why should you limit yourself to quick, furtive wanking when you can enjoy the same sorts of playful, competitive, gonna-end-in-sex fun as anybody else?

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I don’t mean just playing naked Solitaire. That’s pathetic and boring, especially after the first twenty-five times. No, you want something lively and sensual, something designed to tantalize and arouse so as to bring about greater and more powerful sexual satisfaction. Sex games are also a good way to ease yourself past your own shyness. Maybe you’re not sure if you want to take the relationship you have with yourself to the next level. Maybe you’re uncomfortable with your body, and you’re not sure if you’re ready to let yourself see it. Sex games are a great way to break the ice and get yourself into a relaxed, excited mood, especially when used in conjunction with vodka. So give it a try! Here’s some examples.

Jack Poker – Like the strip variant, only with a few less people. You can play it the old fashioned way, by dealing out two or more hands and playing them all in turn, losing bits of clothing as each hand loses, but it gets complicated trying to hurriedly dress and strip again as you change hands. Positions. You know what I mean. Much easier to go online and find a virtual poker game to play against (Yahoo has one). Play against the computer and bid as directed, but lose articles of clothing every time you lose a hand. Naughty, isn’t it? Can you feel the excitement building as you unbutton your shirt? Do you find yourself hunching to conceal a raging erection from yourself? Damn, this is hot!

Twisted – Naked Wesson Oil Twister is tricky to play by yourself, but don’t give up. Keep the spinner near whichever hand isn’t currently load-bearing. Then just spin the spinner and call the shots! The oil gives your body a slick and sexy feel, and playing in front of a mirror allows you to catch surreptitious glances of parts of your anatomy you don’t ordinarily get to see, such as your own perineum. But the real fun of playing Twister is the close contact. You?ll never know if you’re going to direct yourself to move your hand or your leg in such a way as to come into contact with yourself. Will you get offended? Will you get aroused? Will you get lucky? Get Twister!

Truth or Dare – Now we’re talking! Get in your pajamas, make some s’mores, huddle up on the bed and play. Each turn you have to either answer your own question, no matter how personal or embarrassing, or you can choose an intimate task for yourself to perform. Hours of fun, and you’ll be much closer to yourself afterwards. Feel the heat rise as you wait breathlessly to hear what erotic task awaits!

Role-playing – It can get boring doing it the same way, time after time. Hop into bed or slink into the bathroom and do what needs doing. Where’s the excitement in that? Liven it up by trying different costumes, be different people. Every sex guide, even the respectable ones, suggests role-playing as a way to spice up your sex life, so give it a try! You can dress up and be a masturbating priest, a pirate, a president! Whack off the way Humphrey Bogart would, or Madonna, or the Secretary General of the United Nations. Pretend you’re a babysitter pleasuring herself, or Cleopatra after an unsatisfying date with Marc Antony.

Please note I am not referring to the Dungeons & Dragons type of role-playing. I’m sorry, but figuring out your masturbating experience on graph paper and rolling for encumbrance would just be pathetic.

Sensations – Masturbation is a powerful erotic experience, but it tends to lack surprise and spontaneity. You can bring the sparks back into your love life by bringing back the element of uncertainty. Next time you’re sitting there watching the game, sneak up and grab yourself without warning. Surprise yourself in the bath, or pounce on your unsuspecting body in the car wash. Blindfold yourself and feed yourself different types of food – you’ll get lost in the rapturous sensation of helplessness and trust, and the delighted surprise and sensuality of never knowing what you’ll tantalize yourself with next. Avoid hot soup.

There’s lots of others, just take any game you enjoy and assign smutty penalties, rewards and prizes. Monopoly (long, but worthwhile), Hide and Seek (thrilling and adventurous), even Checkers can be a wildly arousing activity when you know you’ll have yourself naked and wet at the end of it. Try it! Liven up your sex life with a little playfulness, and I promise you’ll be amazed at the reaction you get. Especially if your roommate walks in to find you playing naked Wesson Oil Twister by yourself.

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